Chapter 10 : Zion

Silence screamed in my ears. Pain caressed my whole body. Darkness filled my sight, while cold occupied my senses.

Weak gasps came out of my mouth, sounding soft and little. Through the silence while in pain, I could hear the beating of my heart from my chest.

*Thump*

*Thump*

*Thump*

It was slow and weak. While I slowly lost control over my breathing, I couldn't help but choke as I felt my throat being blocked. It's like my lungs just gave up and stopped working just like that.

The pain doubled as I suffocated without air. The cavity within my nose burns as well as the inside of my throat.

It hurts so much, I very much wanted to relieve myself from this pain. But I can't move!

Every inch of my skin itches painfully like I am being pinned by tiny needles. My veins hurt like they would explode and erupt any moment, but can't. The pressure keeps building up and it brings me tremendous pain.

I don't know what's going on. I thought that once that woman was satisfied and finished drinking all my blood, I could finally be free and death was just around the corner.

But I was wrong. Even at death Zee would still get lost. This "corner" doesn't seem to be around at all! Death seems to be hiding through the long way. And the road along the way seems to be filled with pain and torture!

Zee simply couldn't take it!

What's more, even with this torturous pain, I could still keep my rationality and consciousness. This is unscientific, ah!

Every jolt and piercing pain stab through my mind like a tattoo being curved forever in the skin. From Zee's 22 years of life, this is the first time I got to experience this kind of excruciating pain that etched through the bone! Maybe it is a pain within the soul!

Zee couldn't differentiate anymore. It hurts so much, if I could move, I would certainly want to hit my head hard on the concrete floor to end my misery and die early.

But for some reason I could move. Even moving my eyelids is hard and I could only keep my eyes tightly closed. I couldn't even bite my lip or tongue. Every bit of my cells are out of order. The nerves in my body didn't listen to the order of my brain.

It doesn't hurt.

It doesn't hurt.

Zee certainly doesn't feel hurt.

But no matter how much I hypnotized myself, the pain only got worse and worse. Feeling desperate, I could only repeatedly say the chant over and over again in my mind.

It doesn't hurt.

It doesn't hurt.

Zee certainly doesn't feel hurt.

It doesn't hurt. Nothing hurts. There's no pain.

Everything is okay. Everything is fine.

Still, the pain only increases. I couldn't shout nor scream for help. I feel helpless, scared and anxious. I didn't know what was happening. I can only feel despair. Hopelessness keeps building up inside me.

Why? Why is this happening to me? It hurts so much. Why can't I just directly die? Why should I have to experience this pain? Can't they just let me die off peacefully?

Cold tears flowed continuously from my eyes, soaking my face. I cried silently, as I felt more and more suffocated. I tried to gasp hard but the pain hindered me from doing so. I don't know how to stop this pain.

I tried to breathe but a stinging pain cut through my lungs. I stopped but I could feel a clear sensation running throughout my whole body.

It hurts so much; I just wanted to die and finish this all off. I wanted to pass out, but still up to now, my mind is clear and is hurting.

I wanted to pass out, or die off directly but I can't. Why can't I? It's like I'm being punished?! What did I do?! This pain is like a punishment for me to remember for all eternity. Why?! Just why does it have to be me?! Is it because I don't want to work? Is it because I'm too lazy to go out?

I didn't steal anything. I didn't kill anyone. I didn't scam, nor hurt anyone. Why is this happening to me?

I keep questioning everything, while suffering this so-called punishment. Amidst this torture, as the pain heightens to the extreme that I couldn't take it anymore, my heart finally stopped.

And for what I thought to be the end...

Is only just a beginning for me.

I lived again. But not truly living.

I woke up nearing four in the morning. The streets were already buzzing like busy bees going to and fro. Though the sun was still not up and some were still dead asleep. And even with the pandemic, these crowds were unstoppable. But even so, it's like no one saw a collapsed person that looks like a corpse in the middle of the street.

They ignore me. Those who were walking will avoid my area like plague. And it seems that they never saw me.

My appearance is wrecked. If anyone could see me, the first thing they would think is that I was raped. My hair is a mess, the buttons in my shirt were all torn off. My face is dirty and sticky. And my whole body is full of mud and dirt. It's like I rolled around the street and played in the canal.

Anxious and confused, I tried standing up wanting to speak but couldn't. My feet wobbled and I fell down on my knees. I'm pretty sure I scraped my knees because when I got home, the knee part on my pants had a hole and there's a slight smell of blood coming from it. But when I saw my knees it's still shiny and smooth. Even the scars and birthmark in my leg were gone.

I thought I would be surprised to know all of this. But I guess I still didn't know myself very well. Or maybe from the way I walked home after my initial confusion, Zee was able to accept everything easily after that.

That time, I walked home dazed after trying to stand for several times. My body is weak and my limbs ache and numb. I can feel my body is hollow and empty. I was scared at first, but then when I felt my heart was not beating nor was I breathing... All my anxiety, all those fears, those confusions went puffed and went to dance with the wind.

But one thing in my mind is that... I'm already dead.

When that realization struck me, I didn't know but in my dazed state I was finally able to stand. Step by step I walked home. The half an hour walk became an hour. I came home when the clock almost turned six.

By the gate of our house, I met the old man, my grandfather. But I ignored him and walked straight into the house. Like how those people in the market reacted, the old man didn't even notice when I passed him.

When I opened the door of the house, I was welcomed by the warm wind carrying the delicious scent of bacon and eggs. With this I knew mama was already awake and was cooking breakfast for the family. And papa, by this time I'm sure he was at the store preparing for its opening.

I stopped by the door, staring blankly ahead as I didn't know what to do or what to say.

I actually wanted to run, and directly hug my mother and cry my heart's out.

I was so scared! So much! I am hurt! I experienced so much in one day! I don't want to go out any more! It was so painful! It was so scary! I am alone, it was dark and cold! It was scary and painful!

And mama I died! I died! I'm not alive anymore! I died! What should I do? What should I do? I don't know what to do? I'm so scared. Help me. This is so hard.

I wanted to say all that, wanting to be comforted. Wanted to throw all my grievances and problems to them.

But I can't. I know I can't. I closed my eyes tiredly and walked upstairs slowly and silently.

I went straight to the bathroom in my room and took a bath. Without drying my hair, I let my body fall on the bed and closed my eyes to sleep thinking maybe this is all just a dream that will vanish like all those years from my childhood.

...

...

...

Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock.

Time passed for no one cares how long. From within the dark void of my consciousness, I could hear sounds. It was like this the first time as well. Even while sleeping I could hear sounds from the outside. Sounds normal people can't hear with their normal capabilities.

I heard the sound of the clock from down stairs. And some other sounds coming from the kitchen. It was screeching sounds of metal rubbing into something.

Screech. Screech. It was a slow and steady sound. Screech. Screech. Then it stopped with a click. And the sounds of kitchen utensils sounded quite loud. Porcelain plates rang as stainless forks or spoon touches.

Hearing these noises, I knew what's going on down below. It must be that old man again. When I heard the sound of footsteps, I knew that old man was walking from the kitchen to the living room. He must be planning to watch TV again. And I was right.

Like drums beating near my ears, as the TV downstairs was turned on. Deafening sound immediately assaulted my ears, making me frown and immediately wake up from my sleep.

I opened my eyes and I immediately saw two eerie red lights with a woman's shadow reflected on the mirror. I stared at it and found out it was me. I was startled, it was dark and gloomy, I looked around and found myself lying on the cold tiles of the bathroom, almost hugging the bottom of the toilet.

The mirror where I saw my reflection was hanging above the sink in front of the toilet. What I saw is the silhouette of my head to my shoulders. From my perspective, it looks like someone is peeking out from the mirror and this almost freaks me out.

I was really surprised; I'm sleeping in the bathroom. What happened? Why am I here?

As if me questioning myself is a cue. I started to feel the pain in my body and finally remembered what happened earlier.

I passed out.

My sister came home, I ate a lot of donuts, ate dinner and finally vomited everything and passed out from pain.

I already expected it. Shaking my head awake, I stood up, carrying my weak body. Trying not to fall down, I walked like an elderly with arthritis.

I went towards my closet and changed my half wet and dirty panda overall into a XL size hoodie. Wearing it for my size and stature, this oversized hoodie became a knee length dress perfect for night clothing.

After changing I let my body fall in the bed again and roll the blanket around my body like a sushi roll. Before going to sleep I peaked at the digital clock on my bedside table.

1:34 am

Seeing the time, I closed my eyes and fell asleep again.

Anyway, these changes. There's nothing I could do but to accept them.

My only problem is whether these people around me could accept these changes themselves.

Zee could only hope that they were strong enough to know these changes. Or Zee will really have to result to suicide, just so Zee could hide everything forever.

This is Zion's only fear.

It's best to disappear if that happens. At the very least I wouldn't know what they look like after everything is said and done.