《Yin-Yang》55 - Van (4/6)

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Neely gave Andreas a puzzled glance over one shoulder, but shrugged. "That's fine. Chance, answer whatever they ask, and tell them the truth, not anything you think I want to hear. I'm not going to be upset with you no matter what, this is important, and you're covered under the same oath I am."

"Yes, my Lady," Jonathan said quietly.

"What's your name?" the Santiago Matriarch asked.

"Chance, my Lady."

"What would the answer to that have been a month ago?"

"Jonathan, my Lady."

"Your thoughts on the change of your name?"

"I'm not the same person I was before, my Lady."

"How so?"

Van could see the tension across Jon's shoulders and upper spine, and wished there was a way to avoid this—but at the same time, was all the more awed by the young sensitive's courage as his voice stayed steady.

Do they really expect him to say anything, truthful or not, that could support torturing sensitives? Well, probably they don't expect much of anything, anyway. But I thought Benita Santiago and Vasanta Kalindi knew better than to underestimate sensitive intelligence.

Hm, or maybe they aren't underestimating him at all.

"Before, I believed that mages were... I'm sorry, my Lady, but I believed mages were all alike and only cared about their own desires, and I believed that I had a limited time to live free and that when I was captured by a mage it would mean my life was effectively over. I didn't know what mages want sensitives for or what I could expect. I didn't know whether a mage could change my mind and memories, or about channelling energy, or about shapechanging, or about how sensitives are expected to behave, or, well, anything that would happen. All I knew was that sensitives vanish and don't come back and that it had something to do with mages wanting us. Lord Van was extremely accurate in his book about how free sensitives view life. It's a very hopeless way to live, sort of... bleak. When I came to this city, I met the Donovan sensitives who belonged to their mages but were happier than any free sensitive I'd ever met, and then I met Lord Van and Lady Grania and the other mages involved in Cornucopia and York House. Being able to read about mages and sensitives made it easier to not be afraid all the time and to see things as they are. Once I knew what I could expect, it was much less scary to think about a future beyond just surviving today and hoping to stay free for a bit longer. Then I could see that mages are all individuals and can be very good people. That's a really huge concept for a free sensitive to come to accept and understand, my Lady. And I met Lady Neely, and I thought a few times that belonging to her wouldn't be a terrible or scary thing at all. I think... I think with more time, I would have asked Lady Neely if I could be hers, all on my own."

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Utter silence in the hall. How much was sheer shock at the thought of a willing sensitive, Van wondered, and how much was fear of missing even one word of this?

Andreas leaned down to whisper something to his sensitive, who got up and left in the direction of the hall's kitchen, though it meant making his way through various standing bodies between him and his goal.

"You honestly believe you would have voluntarily given up your freedom," the Kalindi Patriarch said, intrigued.

"My Lord, freedom isn't that straightforward a concept. Living in fear, watching behind you all the time and afraid to plan for even a few days ahead, and sometimes not knowing where you'll sleep or what you'll eat, is technically freedom, but there really aren't very many choices you can make that amount to anything. Mostly it means being free to choose whether to take an unpleasant and usually unsafe job or sit on a street corner panhandling or have sex for money or not eat. When I was afraid of what mages wanted sensitives for, I was like any other sensitive, I thought absolutely anything that kept me free was worth it and was better than belonging to a mage. Sometimes I thought killing myself might be a good idea, because it would mean never being not free. But once I understood, that wasn't true anymore. And... I knew from Lord Van's book and from the Donovan sensitives that helping with magic is a lot like sex, it can feel terrible if it's forced but it can be wonderful if you're open to it, and I knew that none of the tame sensitives I'd met would ever have been willing to lose that, and that made me even less afraid and more, well, open to the idea. Since I've experienced that for myself, I'm not the same person I was before it, either. I'm not the free sensitive who first came to this city or even the free sensitive who read Lord Van's book. I'm Lady Neely's sensitive, and that's an amazingly awesome thing, not a bad thing at all."

"By our laws, Neely is responsible for your behaviour in public around other mages. Yet she's never given you any reason to fear the consequences if you behave badly and she gets in trouble for it. Is that not an extraordinary amount of trust to expect her to place in you?"

Say nothing of the extraordinary amount of trust Jon places in her every time she touches him, of course...

"Yes, my Lord, but I would never willingly do anything that would cause trouble for Lady Neely. Helping willingly with magic feels wonderful. Shapechanging feels even better. But the thing that feels better than either is Lady Neely's approval and praise, and for that I'll do anything."

"And maintaining contact yourself during magic?"

"I know there are lots of kinds of punishments that are possible, my Lord, but the thought of Lady Neely being hurt because she trusted me and I failed her is more than enough reason to be very careful that never happens. The thought of that feels at least as bad now as the thought of being caught by hunters used to before I understood anything. Maybe worse. Betraying my Lady's trust would be..." He faltered, shook his head. "I couldn't."

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"You realize that by mage law, which is the only law relevant, you are property," the Vladislav Patriarch said bluntly.

"Yes, my Lord. But I think a mage would feel very different from a sensitive about being valued and useful property rather than being free but of no value and no use to anyone at all including yourself. Sensitives are... flexible, my Lord. And I would belong to Lady Neely in some ways even without that law."

What still couldn't be said, of course, was that Neely belonged to him in an equally real sense that had nothing to do with laws. But that particular battle was far in the future, and they had to win this one first.

"You've been here and heard this entire hearing so far," the Santiago Matriarch said gently. "I'd like to hear your thoughts on it. Truthfully. You have my word, nothing you say will get you or Neely into trouble."

And what he's said so far, and what he says right now, is going to be an immense part of what influences the verdict in this hearing, and determines what happens to me and to my book and to the future of sensitive rights in this entire domain.

And Jonathan knew it, he was sure of it—Van saw him shiver, saw him fold his hands more tightly together.

"My Lady, I..." Jonathan hesitated, then swallowed hard and took a deep breath. Neely's hand moved, the beginning of a gesture of support and reassurance Van was certain, but she stopped herself and closed that hand into a white-knuckled fist. Making certain no one could lay accusations of her having influenced anything her sensitive said. But every instinct wanted to encourage him, her body language simply screamed it.

"Take your time," the Kalindi Patriarch said kindly.

"I... my Ladies, my Lords... Lord Andreas said there were four questions. There's nothing I can say about Lord Van's qualifications, but I do know that there's nothing in his book that I know of that isn't accurate. Anything I've experienced myself is true, and sensitives who have been around a lot longer than I have have told me that I can trust what's in it because they've found the same thing. I definitely can't say anything about mage society being harmed or not. Since I read that book before becoming Lady Neely's sensitive, I can only go by what other sensitives have told me about reading it after being with their mages for a while, and you could get more useful answers from pretty much any tame sensitive who's read it." He paused again. The silence of the hall was so absolute Van couldn't blame him for being nervous—he was the centre of attention of easily a couple of hundred mages, if not more, and their sensitives.

Andreas' sensitive wove his way back to them, respectful of the mages he needed to get past but firm about his need to do so. He glanced at Andreas, who nodded; without a pause, he went to Neely and Jonathan, dropped to one knee to give Jonathan the glass of water he held. Both being sensitives, it was inevitable that hands touched in what was almost a caress, wordless sympathy; Jonathan's eyes flickered upwards to meet those of Andreas' sensitive, and anyone not looking for it would probably have missed the ever-so-brief smiles, one encouraging, one grateful.

There was, superficially, some resemblance between the two in appearance and age, though that disappeared after a closer look.

Jon reminds Lila of someone who was caught... nah, it couldn't possibly be, that's seriously pushing probability. It's just a couple of male sensitives who both grew up undernourished and perpetually scared. Given Andreas' age, his sensitive is probably not as young as he looks.

"Thank you, Andreas, Topaz," the Donovan Matriarch said quietly.

Topaz? Van had heard much worse.

Jonathan took a couple of sips of the water, wrapped both hands around it and rested it on his legs, while Andreas' sensitive Topaz resumed his position. "As far as free sensitives reading that book, my Ladies, my Lords... information, even without contact with friendly mages, will make free sensitives less frightened and less easily panicked by being hunted. But that won't mean there'll be no sensitives to belong to mages. If free sensitives are less frightened, there will be some who will choose to belong to a mage. Without the fear, it's a choice to go with the unsafe jobs or panhandling or hooking or not eating. And it won't mean sensitives who don't belong to their mages, because that has nothing to do with force or laws. I... I hope Lady Neely will let me help at Cornucopia sometimes still, so I can help sensitives who are free right now to understand and to decide what will make them happiest. Because being happy doesn't have to be something different from belonging to a mage, like they think. And the ones who don't choose to belong to a mage will have a better chance of surviving instead of dying from work accidents or health problems they're too scared to get help with or being reckless because it just doesn't matter. More sensitive children will survive to grow up, so there will be more who can make that choice. Right now, an awful lot of sensitives die without ever belonging to a mage or having children who survive, and there aren't infinite numbers of sensitives. More sensitives staying alive seems like ultimately a good thing for everyone." He faltered, stopped to take a deep breath. "You don't have to scare us or hurt us to make us do things," he said, more quietly, but in the dead silence it still carried. "Just tell us when you're happy with us. Or not. That's all."

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