Meanwhile, in Arx, there was another debate of sorts going on. Grigori was coming to grips with everything he'd learned after his failed suicide attempt, everything that Hadar had taught him by saving his life even when he didn't think he wanted to be saved. The Inquisition had long taught that saving a man's body while failing to save his soul, or even doing so in a way that would allow him to fall from grace later, was not a favor to the man but rather a transgression against him. Grigori had been taught his whole life that the first lifetime didn't matter so long as it set one up for the next. Death for the faithful was merely a passage into Heaven, an escape from a body corrupted by demons. But if that was true, if life only needed to be lived long enough to seek redemption, why not kill people the instant they've found it? Why allow them to keep living, giving them the chance to fall from grace again?

In spite of all he'd been taught, it was impossible for Grigori to not feel tremendously grateful to Hadar. Grigori could remember how when it came down to it, when he was actually faced with death, his true self came out. This true self desperately wanted to live, so much so that he'd almost clawed his way through the rope with his short-cut nails, which were still bleeding. He remembered how much despair he felt, how the suffering of not being able to breathe was far worse even than the self-flagellation that he'd subjected himself to every day since he was six, and how this was what Sandalphon would have him do. If that was the way Sandalphon wanted them to live, how enjoyable could his “Heaven” truly be? Hadar saved his life. Hadar would not have him suffer. Hadar had showed Grigori far more compassion than Sandalphon, Father Gonen, or anyone else in the Inquisition had ever shown him before, and this was even after he admitted to Sarahi that the Inquisition would like nothing more than to execute all of the Arxian heretics. The Inqusition talked of killing people for spreading belief that disagreed with theirs, and they followed an angel who was domineering and controlling, one who told them exactly how to live their lives every step of the way and told them not to stray a single step from what he said. The people of Arx forgave Grigori, tolerated other people's religions and beliefs, and believed in angels who trusted them well enough to let them live their own lives, to let them figure out their own way based on the Law, the virtues, and the Sacred Scriptures. Honestly, Grigori would much rather have the Agalmite Heaven than the True Way's Heaven. One could contrive all sorts of reasons and justifications for what the “True Way” taught and make it sound right, but instinctively, in his heart, Grigori felt, no, he knew that Hadar's way was right. Could such basic instincts as wanting to live truly be the corruption of demons?

Furthermore there was the issue of the paladins themselves. Grigori had seen first-hand how three paladins rushed into the thick of battle, against a foe far larger and stronger than they were. They showed no fear, and prevailed. Any Inquisitor or Witch-Hunter facing down a demon was far more cautious. They hid when they could and took cheap shots. Grigori could describe the kind of valor these paladins had as nothing less than divine favor. Sandalphon taught the Inquisition that shortly after mankind had been corrupted by demons God had allowed himself to die because he couldn't deal with the sorrow of seeing his creation so tainted, and he had left the world in the hands of his angels. Sandalphon, supposedly, was the only angel who truly upheld what God asked of them before he died. How could God be dead if the paladins obviously had his favor? Did this make Sandalphon a liar? Yes, it did, Grigori found himself believing that now. Why was Sandalphon deceiving the people of the Inquisition? Who knew? Maybe Sandalphon was secretly a demon himself? Maybe he was an angel who had grown arrogant and hateful and wanted his own followers? Maybe he was no angel or demon at all, but rather a golem, made of diamond, who had gained a will of his own and was simply confused? Whatever the case, Grigori decided that what Sandalphon taught all that time was falsehood.

And so, after following the True Way for as long as he could remember, Grigori turned away from the Inquisition's path. He didn't know as much about the Agalmite faith as he'd have liked, but he was confident that Hadar could teach him more. More importantly, he decided to do what Hadar told him, “Stop worrying about trying so hard not to sin and start worrying about embodying virtue.” Were truer, simpler words ever spoken?

Grigori didn't know where to start, how to begin actually enjoying his mortal life while he still had it, and at first his actions were small and subtle. He looked himself in the mirror for a moment, trying to figure out how to make himself look a little better. God had given him this form, why not enjoy it while it lasted? Of course, Grigori couldn't think of anything to make himself look more attractive to the eye, he was unaccustomed to thinking about such things, so he moved on. Soon he'd want to buy new clothes, or perhaps persuade someone to give him new clothes. The cassocks he'd been given were intentionally uncomfortable. Grigori had forgotten the true reason why, and at the moment didn't care. Maybe it was just part of the Inquisition's general hypothesis that misery led to salvation or something. To make it slightly less uncomfortable Grigori undid the very top button. The cassock's buttons went up high enough that when it was worn as it was meant to be breathing was just a little difficult, one never quite got used to the way the collar felt on one's neck, and Grigori felt so relieved at doing even something that simple.

Grigori then decided to seek out Hadar. He knew not the exact reasons why, but he knew he wanted to see him. “Have you seen the King?” he asked the servants.

“Not yet,” they replied.

“Have you seen him?”

“He didn't come to breakfast,” one of the guards said.

For a while Grigori was worried, afraid that something may have happened to the man to whom he owed his life, to the man who had convinced him that his life was worth living in the first place. Had assassins Grigori had somehow missed in the castle gotten to him? Grigori could think of nothing more horrible, and he began to search the castle more frantically.

Not in the library. Not in the stables. Not out hunting. Guards said they didn't see him leave the castle at all, in fact. Then it occurred to him the specific wording of what these people said to him. “Not yet,” “he didn't come to breakfast,” and it occurred to him where Hadar might be.

Grigori walked to Hadar's bedroom and knocked on the door. Pressing his ear to the door Grigori heard a muffled voice from inside the room say, “I wanna sleep more.” To be heard through such a thick door Hadar was likely shouting.

“Hadar, it's Grigori, can I come in?” Grigori allowed himself to laugh a little. Hadar had been sleeping in, enjoying his comfy bed. Normally an inquisitor would find this to be slothful and worthy of correction, if not disgust at the very least, but in a strange way Grigori found it endearing.

Hadar was a bit surprised to hear Grigori referring to him by his name rather than by “Sire” or “your Majesty” like he usually did. “Certainly, let me just unlock the door.” Hadar groaned as he climbed out of bed, clad in silk pajamas that hung loosely over his body. They'd previously belonged to his brother, who was considerably bigger than him. True, Hadar could have had pajamas tailored for him, but he didn't really care to. These were clothes he slept in, not clothes he showed off for fashion. He walked over to the door and turned the skeleton key, opening it for Grigori.

“Can we close the door?” Grigori asked.

“Certainly,” Hadar closed the door and turned the key again to keep out any possible interlopers.

“Well...” Grigori found himself at a loss for words for a moment. His mind was racing with all sorts of things he wanted to tell this wonderful man, who looked cute with his hair all a mess and wearing pajamas that were obviously way too big for him. “First of all...thank you so much for saving my life!”

“...You're welcome,” Hadar said as he scratched his head and yawned.

“I swear, I'll never try to take my own life again! You've shown me that life is worth living, Hadar.”

Hadar laughed. “Considering I was the reason you were so ready to kill yourself the other day I'm glad I fixed what I broke.”

“It was already broken...I was already broken...my whole life I've been broken,” Grigori said. “That's what the Inquisition does, they break people, even their own. They turn us into hollow shells of what were once people, turn us into...golems, really. You didn't make me want to kill myself, you made me want to enjoy living, and according to their twisted rules that meant I needed to die.”

“Rules you're not going to live by anymore?” Hadar asked.

“I can't live by their rules any more, I can only die by their rules. At this point if I kept following their way I'd have to give up my life. I don't want to do that! I want to live! I want...to be with you!” Grigori said.

“With me?” Hadar blushed intensely. He knew Grigori was attracted to him and that was why he was struggling so much, but he had no idea it had gotten that intense.

“Yes!” Grigori said. “And I know...you're married, so we can't be...” Grigori searched for the right words. “Lovers, but I just want to be near you...all the time, I just want to enjoy your company...and your beauty! By Heaven, Hadar! You're so beautiful! I thought it was because you were vain and trying so hard, but I see now, as I see you like this that it's just the way you are!”

Hadar felt his heart jump at this. Before now no man had ever said such kind words to him, no man had ever expressed a desire to be with him. Hadar had never been with a man, he only knew he preferred men because he had looked at other men and felt his heart dance, admired the beauty of their forms. “You're pretty handsome yourself,” Hadar said and started to walk towards Grigori. “Even though you try to look plain.”

“Sire?”

“You were doing well calling me 'Hadar' for quite a while there, don't spoil that.”

“Sorry.”

“Well, you see, Grigori, I'm not exactly married.” Hadar went on to explain the whole matter of the technicality in the Law that he and Sarahi had exploited, that in the eyes of Heaven they were not wed, that Milo and Sarahi were. He explained to Grigori that the reason he was unable to conceive heirs had nothing to do with his physical capabilities, but rather to do with the fact that he simply didn't find women attractive. “But you must understand, this is a secret that must not get out.”

“Of course!” Grigori said. “I was willing to keep your secret back when I just thought you were infertile, I'm more than willing to keep this secret, especially now!” Hadar was now standing close enough for Grigori to reach out and touch his soft, blonde hair, and he did. Grigori enjoyed the way it felt in his fingers. Deep down, he'd wanted to do that ever since he saw Hadar, but he'd put up a defensive wall, lying to himself that he was disgusted by Hadar's vanity rather than in awe of his beauty. Grigori looked over Hadar's face as they leaned in close. The face he'd seen in his dream just didn't compare to the real thing, Hadar's face was far more attractive in real life. Those big, pretty, blue eyes, that perfectly shaped nose, those soft lips. Hadar started leaning in towards Grigori more. He placed his hands on Grigori's shoulders and closed his eyes, his mouth slightly open. Grigori knew what this meant, and part of him feared he was just dreaming again, but even if it was a dream he at least wanted to enjoy it. He closed his own eyes as well and leaned forward to Hadar, closing the distance between them, and kissing Hadar deeply on the lips. The feeling of their lips together was so nice, and Grigori couldn't imagine anything that could feel any better than is, until Hadar surprised him with something that did feel better. Hadar's tongue probed inside Grigori's mouth. It twisted with Grigori's and licked his lower lip. Grigori gasped in surprise and instinctively pulled Hadar's body in against his, twisting his tongue with Hadar's and moaning softly into Hadar's mouth.

Imagine, though, what this would be like for a man who has only taken a hand to himself to inflict pain, a man not allowed to do anything to bring himself pleasure in any way, who had kept to such strict rules his entire life. In mere moments Grigori had a certain physical reaction that couples more used to such attention often take at least a few minutes, not to mention far more intimate attention, to achieve. His head violently arched back and he cried out loudly. His whole body shook as if he were having a seizure or going into convulsions. His knees gave out from under him and he collapsed onto the floor, accidentally pulling Hadar down on top of him.

“What was that?” Hadar asked in concern.

“I don't know...” Grigori replied.

“Are you hurt?”

“The fall hurt a little...but I feel amazing! My whole body's shivering!” Grigori said. “It...tingles all over!”

“Did you...” Hadar thought of how to phrase the question, but soon realized that if Grigori had experienced what Hadar thought he had just now he wouldn't know anything about it.

“I want to do what couples do!” Grigori said. “Not just kiss, I want to do it all! I want to...fornicate with you!”

“What?” Hadar was surprised, to say the least. This had certainly progressed faster than he'd intended, and faster than he could have expected it to. Just a few weeks ago this same man believed that enjoying physical intimacy, or engaging in it for any purpose other than procreation, was evil. Now he wanted to sleep with him? Hadar was certainly flattered, and for a moment he did consider going through with it. That cassock of his couldn't be comfortable, it would be all too easy to unbutton it all the way down for him. Hadar imagined exposing that thin body of his to the cool air, running his fingertips all over him, but he knew this was far too soon. “I'm sorry, Grigori, I'm not ready.”

“What do you mean?” Grigori asked. “I'm not sure how to engage in physical relations with another man, exactly, but if there's something I'm supposed to do to help you get ready I can do that, just tell me...”

“That's not what I mean,” Hadar said. “I'm not...emotionally ready to lose my virginity. And it's not like we've been a couple for long...I mean...all we've done so far is kiss, we haven't talked to each other about our hopes and dreams, truly gotten to know each other, or anything.”

“But...I'm so ready!” Grigori said. “I want to take that plunge with you! And the Void with the consequences! If Sandalphon damns me for the way I feel about you I don't care!” Grigori could barely handle all of the emotions washing over him, they were overwhelming. It was like a dam that had been holding back flood-waters for years finally burst and released an ocean of feelings that Grigori had never learned to deal with.

“Grigori, I'm sorry, it's just too soon! I want to take it...a little slower than this, alright? There are plenty of things we can do and explore as a couple without having to have sex right away.”

“Other things? Can you teach me? I want to learn everything!”

“Of course.” Hadar gave Grigori a quick kiss on the mouth before climbing to his feet and helping Grigori up as well. “Can't say I've ever been in a relationship before, but we'll learn everything together.”

“I love you!”

“I...it may also be too soon to say things like that.”