Directly inside the sanctuary door was an empty pillar, completely surrounded by a layer of wooden flotsam.The remnants of a small boat maybe, if that boat had been attached to long poles and toted cupboards as its primary cargo.

What was this thing? I asked Bert.

A sacred barque, he replied. They were used to carry the carved effigies of the temple’s god out into the public eye. Mostly during festivals, though the barque would also be used to enable gods to visit other temples, particularly those of their husbands or wives.

My brows rose. The gods were sent out for conjugal visits?

That…isn’t specifically mentioned in the historical record.

I leaned over and allowed the torch to linger over the wreckage. The shine of the boat’s keel suggested it had once been well-cared for. Probably regarded as the Temple’s marketing flagship.

Sad. Such a waste.

But though it was perhaps the grandest, the barque was by no means the only thing that had been destroyed in this room. Tables had been tipped over, leaving plates and other assorted pieces of crockery smashed across the floor, their fragments mixing with small statues and artefacts that had suffered the same treatment. Larger statuary, mostly fixed to the walls, were covered in chips and slash marks, looking like they’d been used as scratching posts by my old friend Meowzilla. But it was the dents in the walls that set the hackles upright and crackling.

What kind of being can punch through walls? In Egypt? The pharaohs weren’t exactly known for doing things on the cheap. Hell, they’d built so well that many of their creations were still standing today. That was an honorary Builder’s Certification right there.

The only piece of furniture that seemed to have survived the devastation was a bookcase centred across the far wall. Potential loot? The shelves were gone but some of the books could perhaps be salvaged. Knowledge did seem to be a theme in this particular quest.

I tiptoed through the wreckage gingerly. Maybe I was being overly cautious, but there was no need to hurry. I’d either missed the battle or come late to a truly epic rave. But, as everyone knows, there’s always that special someone who gets left behind, too drunk to find the exit, and I had no desire to trip over the snoring body of whoever could do this sort of damage.

As I got closer to the bookcase, I realised I had mistaken its purpose. It was not used to house books at all, but instead a statue of a woman, about the length of my shin. Her eyes were undefined, without pupil or iris, giving her a faraway look, and the arms, outstretched ninety degrees, were covered in brightly-coloured feathers. Oddly, she was clothed in an actual dress, the metallic threads of the material shimmering in the torch’s light, and a big red and white hat that wouldn’t have looked out of place in the Vatican. It was like someone had used the statue as a giant Pope Barbie.

What is it made of? Like any idiot with a pair of hands, I reached out to touch it. It looked smooth, but I couldn’t determine what could make that strange—

Then the statue disappeared and the lights came on.

Like a barfly at closing time, I staggered backwards, free hand going up to cover my eyes. The sudden glare was overwhelming.

And potentially hazardous.

Spinning towards the middle of the room, my mouth opened in the first note of Banshee Shriek’s activation key. Whoever had fired up the lamps could attack at any moment. But, no. The only movement was Gerdy, who had launched herself free of my cleavage and was hovering mid-air, sword foremost. It shook slightly.

And the only sound was coming from a woman slumped on the floor, weeping into her hands.

“Stand down, Gerdy. I think we’re good.”

“Who is that?”

“No idea. But I don’t think she’s a threat. At least not at the moment.”

I edged closer to the woman and lowered myself into a squat. Lovely how knees bent that way in the virtual world. In reality, my left would have refused the assignment in a very insistent manner.

“Miss?” Lady, ma’am, Mrs, Mr.…who knew? Her hands were covering her face like the entry point to a game of Peekaboo. “Are you okay?”

Her hands lowered and what looked like…diamonds?…trickled to the floor. Then she shifted her body upright and I noticed the shimmering blue material of her dress.

All information was collated and dots connected. Effigy, clothes, hat, miracles… “Mut? Goddess Mut?”

“I am She.” The goddess sounded remarkably snuffly for…well…a goddess. Somehow I didn’t connect snot with deities. Too mundane. Next I’d be learning that there was a sacred toilet around here somewhere.

“Who are you? You do not resemble any of my usual servants.”

“Actually, I don’t belong to this Temple. Or any other for that matter. Truth is, I don’t really belong anywhere at the moment.”

“You are unclaimed? Curious.” She pondered. “And from a different land, it seems. It is nice to see that my creations have spread and evolved into so many shades and conformations.”

“You Created us?”

“Certainly. I raised the land from the primal waters of the Nu and populated it with living wonders. Man, animals, other gods…. Exhausting, really, just thinking about it.”

“Oh, definitely,” I agreed. Creature-creation was hard. Spore had taught me that much. “Is that why you were upset?”

Her eyes widened, and she smiled. “Bless you, no!”

There was something about that smile that made you realise, despite the lack of wrinkles, that she was old. Ancient. Like she’d employed a really good plastic surgeon, but couldn’t keep time from seeping into her eyes.

“Then why?—If you don’t mind me asking,” I addended hastily. Goddess etiquette hadn’t exactly been on the school curriculum, though I guessed extreme politeness was my best bet. Smiting was traditionally high on a god’s list of duties.

“I have recently taken on the responsibility of a newborn,” she sighed. “With all its attendant needs.”

That explains Superbaby. “Your acolytes can’t help?”

“Montu is…difficult. I cannot in all good conscience allow them to take on his care. It is bad enough that they are required to clean up after the mess He leaves behind.” Her hand indicated the devastation around us. “I just wish I had the skills to control Him. But it is all so new to me. I wasn’t prepared…”

“You’ve never raised a child before? But I thought you were the Mother of all.”

“Creation does not necessarily mean birth. Creation is the manifestation of imagination. I conceived the idea of earth, then seeded it with my essence.”

“That does sound…less messy.”

She smiled again. “Indeed. You know, I think I like you. The servants who maintain this Temple are so staid. Not many have experienced life beyond the walls. A kind of sacrilege in my informed opinion. After all, with all the vast lands and creatures we have laid before Man, denying the opportunity to appreciate our efforts is surely uncivil.”

She leaned one hand against the floor to lever herself up, causing two of her feathers to bend sharply. She winced. “Blasted things.” Then she froze for a few seconds, and when she began to move again the feathers were gone.

“Have you considered a life in the clergy?” she continued, as if changing parts of oneself was easier than taking off a glove. “I have always wanted a Chapter House in the northern lands. Such a delightfully restless people.”

The Goddess Mut has offered you a new Class!

Do you wish to change your Class from Lone Disranger to High Priestess of Gaul? Y/N

I browed No even as I stood up. “Sorry ma’am, but I’m a bit stretched at the moment. Maybe another time.” Recruitment certainly was brisk in this place. First Memshavit, now her goddess. Quite flattering, really.

On the other side of the room a large statue began to rock. One foot to the other, before it crashed to the floor. A gurgle of pleasure accompanied it.

“Montu!” Mut admonished, standing and dusting off her dress. “Stop that at once! And please show yourself. We have a guest.”

Okay. I can see why she’s so stressed, I thought, as Superbaby dropped his cloaking skill.

Montu wasn’t just super-strong, he was also super-sized; seven feet tall if I had to guess. He was also sporting a bodacious accessory that I tried to convince myself was a mask. No one but a minotaur should have the head of a bull. Especially not when that head was placed on top of the dimpled body of a cherub. It was like one of those mix-and-match picture books where you flip half the page over to create a monstrous hybrid; fun to look at, but disturbing at some primeval level.

He was also pouting, though how he made that work with the whole muzzle thing going on, I don’t know. His mouth opened slightly and a small wail of complaint began, clearly building up to something bigger. If I’d been at work, this is the point where I would have been trying to find a wall to cower behind.

“That’s enough, Montu. What is it you want? Food?”

The wail picked up pace. Not food.

“Entertainment, then. Where’s that sword I gave you? You know how much you like to slice things.”

Mut and I had vastly different ideas on appropriate toys to give to children. Though any BuzzyBee would need to be upscaled to the size of a hoverbike before it could be gifted to this particular baby.

Along with a towel-sized bib. A trail of drool trailed out of Montu’s mouth and dripped to the floor. No diamonds this time. Evidently he didn’t have a creator-god’s powers. Bummer. I would have to be content with the tears I’d already swiped.

Which reminds me…. Untying the lacings on my holding bag, I retrieved an item that I had only recently acquired, and headed cautiously over to the enormous mutant baby.

“This, I think, is yours.” I handed over the battered cup from the alcove. Unfortunately, Montu refused to take it, screwing up his muzzle in disgust.

“You kept it?” Gerdy said with righteous indignation, fluttering backwards in a manoeuvre that would have made a hummingbird jealous. “The academy was right! Humans are all thieves!”

The wail abruptly shut off. “Goo?” Montu’s eyes were fixed on the tiny fairy.

Gerdy looked back, then turned midair to get a better perspective.

“Goo?” he repeated, eyes big as they followed her movement. Fingers reached for her, bottom arching up to lessen the distance.

“Oh, aren’t you simply darling,” Gerdy cooed and shot towards him. She easily avoided the clutching hands, choosing instead to fly about his head. Once there, she had to dart about like a firefly to keep from being smacked by his waving hands.

“Geee!”

At least she’d managed to stop the godawful wailing. Though the squeals of laughter weren’t any quieter.

“Myyy…” Mut’s lips parted in wonder. “Humans have evolved farther than I could ever have imagined. Wings! Oh, how happy this will make Amun! He has always thought you should learn how to fly. Although she is somewhat diminutive. Is her environment so very small?”

“I’m not sure. We met on the road.”

“Well, she certainly has a gift for making children happy.” The goddess watched as Gerdy slid down one of Montu’s horns and sprang away before he could brush her off. Both were giggling and screeching with laughter. “Do you suppose…but no. The adoption of a god does have minimum requirements. If only she had super strength! Or a translocation skill!”

“Sorry, I don’t think she has either of those. Magic maybe, but—“

“Magic! Well, that’s something.”

Montu’s ass slammed down in an ankle-to-butt crawl as he tried to give chase. Then again, and again. He had absolutely no hope of catching her. Air superiority was key in any war.

“What about you?”

“Hm?” I was too busy watching Gerdy and Montu to pay much attention to the goddess. She was so much more normal than the beings in front of us.

“Do you have any particular skills?”

“I’m a Bard.”

“Oh.” She sounded…disappointed?

And so I found myself adding absently, “I have magic, too. Spells that activate when I sing.”

Interest replaced her disappointment. “What kind of spells?”

“Well, there’s Banshee Shriek. That’s my general attack skill. Then there’s Lullaby, which puts people to sleep. Sound Gives Me Wings is pretty obvious, and Clamorous Cacophony, which is a directed attack.” Why was I telling her all this? Was I so starved for validation that I was seeking it from a goddess?

“Impressive.”

“That’s nothing,” I blurted. Shut up, shut up, shut up. It was like something was forcing me to blurt out all my stats. Demonstrate… “Watch this.”

Unhooking my harp from its necklace I walked over to Montu and commanded it to “enlarge” until it was the size of a door. When one of his hands slapped out to smush me it rebounded off the harp, activating my Hail Mary skill. It must have stung, because he flinched and began to cry. Again. Whoops.

Gerdy fluttered down to my shoulder, face screwed up in anger. “Why did you do that?”

“I don’t know! I just did it. I think Mut must have some evaluation skill.” I turned back to her, only to find her gone.

“Where is she? Is she back in her statue?”

I am still with you. The voice came from the very air itself. But not for much longer. I have many of my Temples to visit and I haven’t seen my husband in many moons.

“But what about…you know…him?”

Now that I have found Montu parents that will both love and protect him I am no longer bound to his care. I cannot tell you how pleased I am that you chose to take on this responsibility. I felt a warm touch on my forehead, like she’d laid her finger there. Then it was gone. Along with the amorphous presence that I had only noticed when it was no longer there. Like a a low-level noise suddenly turned off.

“What? No I didn’t! This is some kind of mistake. I don’t even like children!”

But Mut wasn’t the one that replied. Bert did. I may have had something to do with that.

“What do you mean?” It was more threat than question.

I accepted the adoption prompt before it appeared on your UI.

“Why?”

I thought you would refuse.

“Obviously. But why accept in the first place?”

Montu is a war god. Young, yet strong. We are somewhat lacking in the muscle department.

“And you thought a seven foot tall infant—that can’t even walk by the way—was an appropriate choice for a tank? I think you need a system-wide defrag.”

You really don’t know much about computers, do you?

“Don’t change the subject. Whatever way you look at it, Superbaby is a liability.”

His wails increased in pitch, making my eardrums vibrate like they were about to explode. Gerdy was trying to get him to chase her again, but he was too upset to be distracted.

“And damned annoying. I’m getting out of here. Without him.”

You can’t.

“Oh? And why not?” My arms crossed. “Are you going to stop me?”

What? From my vegetable? he said wryly. Hardly. But I can help you. As an adoptee, Montu is going to follow you wherever you go, whether you like it or not. I have an idea—

“Nonsense.” I walked around the baby and out through the door, increasing my speed on a floor clear of broken obstacles. No one, but no one foists a child—

Behind me, I heard the slam, slam, slam of a diaper-clad butt against stone.

“Mama!” I looked back to see Montu determinedly propelling himself in my direction.

It LIVES! I began to run, neck twisted as I tried to keep one eye on where I was going, and the other on the horror that was behind me.

“Mama.” Montu stopped and grabbed at me, fisting air, then toppled forward into a crawl position. It seemed to give him more reach and speed; he was now gaining on me. With a sudden burst—

Agility +1!

—I shoved through the hidden door, into the antechamber, and reached the comparative safety of the small corridor that we’d started in. Safe. There was still the small matter of finding the door, but—

Smash! The stone blocks around the entry cracked as Montu’s horns smacked into them. It made me realise just where the gouges in the Sanctuary’s walls came from. He’d been charging them.

Holy shit.

“Okay, Bert. I give in. What’ve you got for me?”

As my mob boss, any allies you gain become mine. Gunga is an excellent example of this.

Thunk.

“Faster, Bert. I don’t think we have a lot of time.” Was that a piece of horn I saw on the last pass? “Chop, chop.”

Perhaps I should simply demonstrate. The AI sounded positively smug.

Within seconds the battering sounds had ended, replaced by the clink of something small and metallic hitting the floor.

“What did you do?”

Why don’t you go see for yourself?

I peered warily through the opening, half expecting a hand to grab at me. Instead, I saw a small figurine, lying discarded on the floor. No Superbaby. “Where’s Montu?”

Look closer.

“I’m not going out there. That’s how everybody dies.”

Gerdy flew around the corner, into the chamber beyond, puffing heavily. I knew that girl was out of shape. Safety, my ass. Then again, she had already had a workout playing with Montu.

Dipping down, she landed clumsily onto the floor beside the figurine, then carefully picked it up and spread her wings again. Then she changed her mind and let them fall back to her sides.

“Flibbert it,” she, um…swore?, walking the rest of the way. When she reached my feet she looked up in challenge.

“Well? Are you going to help me up?”

So I scooped her into my hands and lifted her into her accustomed position on my shoulder. It wasn’t worth the argument.

It was only when I felt her hands at my neck that I realised I should be worried. “What’s this? Have you finally decided to replace me with a better mob boss?”

“I’m only…”—she fiddled about with my necklace—“…attaching this to your collar. There,” she said in satisfaction, and patted my cheek. “Good doggy.”

I lifted the medallion she’d just attached. It had the head of a bull engraved on it.

There. One transport-ready tank at your disposal. Just be careful where you decide to initialise it. No confined or fragile spaces.

“Bert…”

No, no. Your gratitude is unnecessary. It is enough that you recognise the ramifications of the service that I have extended. You will need every advantage to traverse the Dungeon inside the Pyramid, after all.

“It’s going to be bad enough that I need a demigod as an ally?”

My dear Arline. He actually sounded amused. You are an adventurer. You’re surely not afraid of a little danger?