I rode with a merchant and a wizard. I say wizard but from what I’ve seen, he’s a goddamn clown. He couldn’t make a fireball if his life hung on it, I’m surprised he knows the alphabet.

They loaded boxes of hay onto the carriage, they’d transport it to the capital and I got to hitchhike a ride. Lucky me I guess. After they finished loading the boxes, they jumped onto the front and whipped the horses.

Alongside the cart, there were two mercenaries. They didn’t talk much, but they seemed tall and strong. I wasn’t complaining that they were around.

“People’ been sayin’ that the world ain't flat!” The merchant muttered.

“I’ve been hearing the rumours.” The wizard said.

“Fucking clowns.” The merchant laughed.

I’ll tell you a clown, you. And, you’re a goddamn Buffon. Fatter than that fat slag Marga. He’s so fat, he can’t see his own cock. I can imagine the conversation.

“So how big is it? “ The girl would ask.

“Well. I’d guess that it’s big. It certainly feels big. Girls have certainly been shocked.”

Then he pulls his pants and it’s a little worm. I let out a small giggle, they turned to me and I quickly shut up.

“I just can’t wrap my head around it. Don’t they know that they’d fall over if it wasn’t flat?” The wizard proclaimed proud as if he’d said something really clever.

“They've been saying that there’s a fool...” He took a breath. “A fool that travelled one way and found himself in the same spot. I wager that the fool got lost and walked back the same way he came from.” The merchant snapped.

That fool ain’t a fool at all, he’s my father. He’s currently somewhere in a desert, at least, that’s what the last Pidgeon he sent me told me. I’ll be an adventurer like my father, I’m planning on travelling all around the world.

“Eyy boy.” The merchant spat, “what d'ye think?”

“It's flat of course, only a fool would think that it’s round,” I said.

The man laughed. “You’re wise I’ll tell you that. Make it far in life. Say, you said you were an adventurer. What class?” He said.

“I’m a rogue,” I said.

“A rogue, how come?” He asked.

“I think daggers are cool.”

That is a lie. The truth is that there are some countries and regions that are restricted to outsiders. Having the skills of a rogue comes very handy in those scenarios, but there’s no use in telling that to these fools. They’d ask senseless questions to big for their own head to comprehend.

A few hours later and the strangest things happen. First, the horses have a complete breakdown. They begin kicking and neighing; they’ve lost their shit. They managed to break free from their chains. They ran into the forest and the merchant loudly cursed.

Shortly after, an ogre ran out of the forest, he roared and screamed at us. “Coins!” He roared. “Coins!” I swear that I almost pissed myself, I could feel the piss travelling down my cock but I stopped it before it exited. See that’s why it's handy to have a large cock.

The mercenaries that I proclaimed as strong took action. Their armour clanged as they rushed at the ogre. Their spirit and swords were raised high, I could feel a sense of comradery. They got a few cuts in, I chanted for them as we exited the carriage ready to make a run for it. I certainly didn’t believe in them, and I was right, after the ogre landed a successful strike, it was over.

It was a nasty move really. He spun his arm as if he’d swing it around, but instead raised it and smashed it into the ground. The mercenary's spine shattered, and I could hear the awful “squish!” The ogre quickly grabbed the second mercenary and crushed him with his teeth. The mercenary had shoved his sword balls deep into the ogre's palm but the ogre didn’t mind. He chewed him like grass and spit him out.

Instead of eating them, like we thought it would. The ogre proceeds to smash the carriage, still roaring might I add. He searched through it but the hay wasn’t to his liking. He ran up to us and screamed, “coins!” Saliva came all over me, but that was the least of my problems. Both the fat merchant and the wizard pissed themselves as they threw him the bag they’d taken. I was frozen in fear; I guess I didn’t do much better.

Thing is. I’ve never seen a greedy ogre before but there’s a first time for everything as they say.. After the ogre got our coins he urgently ran back to the forest as if he had somewhere to be and couldn’t chew on us. And, I’m happy for that!

We got our wits back. The merchant stomped his feet on the ground, proclaiming, “damn merchants, couldn’t do a thing?” This petty fuck. Here they were dead, and here you had lost a goddamn carriage and some hay. Totally of the same equivalence, totally.

The wizard wasn’t much better. He began spouting off nonsense about how he’d gotten shocked and how he could have taken the ogre, and how he’s lucky that he ran off. I dozed off fairly quickly.

We walked forward and stopped. I had to piss. I had held it in, but barely. After I’d finished, a man came out of the woods. He greeted us as if coming out of the woods isn’t totally off. The man had a trusting smile, but his eyes told me something different. I had to keep my guard up. Competent men were dangerous men.

“Where are all of you headed?”

“To the capital... At least we were headed there. Then an ogre attacked us out of seemingly nowhere.”

“An ogre! I can’t believe it.” The man said. Something felt off about his tone. Wait, didn’t the ogre run the way he came from...

“At least you survived. By the way, let’s exchange names. I’m Jack, what’s yours?”

“Call me Ody, short for Odysseus,” I said.