Have you ever felt as if the world would be a better place if you didn’t exist?

I also felt it as well...my name is Estrella Rossi...I am 12 years old...I was born in a small town named Akateko, Guatemala...since I was little, I was treated different from others, I was feared because of my appearance… I have white hair and bluish eyes...something so weird because my mom and dad had black hair and brown eyes...the priests said that I was cursed…

The reason was because I have the ability to communicate with strange creatures in the jungle named “Sombras” I thought of them as my friends because the other kids treated me badly...I used to sneak away from my house to go play with them...

One day, 3 years ago...my town was destroyed and my parents were killed...on that night, I also wanted to die...but the Gods didn’t let me...I spared by our leader, Calakmul... who called me a “Shadow Tamer” ...they forced me to order the Sombras to attack and destroyed towns...I know I was doing terrible things but I was scared…I had one friend called the “Ales” of the Chupacarbas like people screamed when they saw him...he was someone good who was killed by El Muerto...

On the night of the Invasion...I really wanted to die...but Uriel Di Fiore saved me and told me that I had reasons to live...I decided to trust his words and pushed forward...The Ministry of San Juan took me in...Father Clemente is such a nice person and Sister Carolina is very nice to me…

Abril and Mariana are always with me and Fabiola acts like my older sister...I feel so happy, but still...I look back at all the horrible things I’ve done...and I always think...am I allowed to be alive?

March 16th

(GGGGGYYYAAAHHHH)

Once again I woke up from a nightmare...a nightmare in which I saw my parents get killed...I immediately ran to the bathroom and threw up...after finishing throwing up, I looked at the mirror, again, I had tears in my eyes…

I washed my face and I heard someone knocking at the door; “Estrella, it’s me Mariana...are you alright?” Mariana was at the door. I tried to act normal, I went to the door and slowly opened it so that half of my face was showend; “ Yes I am okay…” I quickly replied to her. Mariana looked suspicious but smiled; “Oh okay...breakfast is almost ready so hurry up…”

I heard Mariana going down the stairs, I slowly sat on the floor and cry a little more...after a few moments, I stood up and put my uniform on...I went down to eat...in the kitchen, I saw Maria doing some pancakes...I never tried ones in my life and the first time I did...they were delicious…

“Good morning mjia, I made your favorites...enjoy…” Maria smiled at me, I smiled back at her...when I’m close to her, it reminds me of the time I spent with my mother...I entered the dining room like always and see Daniel...I remembered the words he told last night on how I he considered me part of the family...I was so happy…

“G-G-Good morning…” I said nervously, he didn’t answer, he just lifted his hand with a smile…-BBBAAADDUUUMMPP- I felt my heart pounding faster, I immediately went and sat down with Mariana and the others.

“Estrella, did you do your homework?” Fabiola asked me with a strict tone...she is scary sometimes… “Y-Y-Yes...I did…” I replied immediately, Fabiola smiled and said; “Great, remember that studying is important okay…”

I felt relieved...after breakfast, we headed to the door because it was time to leave...As we walked outside, we saw Sister Carolina, she looked at us with a warm smile; “Have a great day girls...Estrella, don’t forget to smile okay…”

I nodded in agreement, then, we heard someone calling from above; “Girls...have a great day...and don’t forget to…ahhh…” We saw Father Clemente hanging from the ceiling and falling down to the bushes. Everyone began to laugh, including Father Clemente who waved at us as we headed to school.

Middle school is fun...I need to say that I was nervous the first dayI went...that’s because the kids from the school asked me questions about my appearance and last name; “Wow, is your hair natural? Are you related to Fabiola? Do you have a boyfriend?”

Honestly it was too much, luckily...I have a friend that helped me adapt; “Estrella...over here…” Someone was calling me, I turned around and saw Naomi waving at me. I smiled and waved back...I met Naomi last December, she was being abducted by some men, so I made them pay...ever since then, she has been my closest friend…

(RRRIIINNNGGG)

The school day started...I am not really good at studying but I tried my best, the things that I don’t understand, I asked Fabiola or any other of the girls...When I first arrived, I was really nervous...Because of my appearance everyone was asking things like:

“Why is your hair white?

Are you from another country?

Are you single?”

That was overwhelming...but Naomi was always there beside me...she has changed ever since that night, she has been acting a little braver than before...I wish I could also do that…

I try not to be the center of attention, but the boys always come and try to talk to me...I try to be nice but I don’t want people close to me...what’s weird is that the Chuco Clan likes to speak to me really often...Those boys who think of themselves as delinquents however, they are really good at school…

I think because Daniel is their leader...those guys always speak to me...especially Diego who his group calls Apá...he is really nice but very clumsy…

After school, I went with Naomi and Mariana for some ice cream at an ice cream shop across the school...Mariana and Naomi also became good friends after the incident which I am glad...but still...as I talk and laugh with Naomi...I still have this feeling...the fear of losing her…

I know that I am dangerous, if I were to lose control again...everyone would die...and that makes me tremble…

That night, after dinner...I went outside, I saw the night sky, because the Ministry is away from the main city, we can see the stars and the moon.

(BBBAADDUUUMMMPPP)

At that moment, I felt fear as if I was going to lose control again...I decided to run into the church...I entered it and slammed the door as if something was chasing me...the lights of the church were on...there was someone on the prayer stool...it was Father Clemente who was praying to the Son of God…

“Estrella, come here, my child…” Father Clemente said without lifting his head, how did he know it was me?

I slowly walked to the front of the Church towards the altar, he slowly stood up and sat on one of the wooden benches; “Oh man, I’m getting old...hahaha…” Father Clemente laughed, he looked at me and said; “Come...sit next to me...I know that you want to talk about something…”

How did he know that as well? I sat next to him, we remained quiet for over a couple of minutes, I didn’t have the courage to speak. But he didn’t say anything...I looked up to see his face and suddenly; “ZZZZZZZZ” I was surprised, he was asleep...I tried to move him around; “Father...Father…” He suddenly woke up, and said; “Hahaha...sorry, I thought you were asleep so I slept as well…”

“No it’s not that…” To my surprise I chuckled as well. Father Clemente looked at me and asked; “So, how are the other girls treating you...do you enjoy your new life here?”

“Yes...I am, I really like it here…” I replied to him...and I wasn’t lying, I really love leaving here...but...I looked at him and asked; “Hey, Father? Why did you adopt me? Why did you make me part of your family when I did some horrible things?”

Father Clemente did not answer at first, he looked at me and said; “Because I wanted to...that’s all…”

I began to feel desperate and angry...tears came out of my eyes as I exclaimed; “That’s not true...you should've killed me that night...I was supposed to die...I’m a sinner, I killed people...I really can’t be alive right now...please tell me...is there a reason for me to be alive? Will the world be a better place without me?”

“You foolish child…” Father Clemente sighed, I began to cry harder...Father smiled at me with tears; “You know, you’ve been here for almost three weeks and this is the first time I see you opening up to me like that...I am so happy…” Father Clemente began to say:

“Hija...it’s okay if you feel that way but let me tell you this...I forgive you...and God forgives anyone...even sinner as you call yourself...You want to know why I adopted you? Because to me, you're a young girl who needs a family...you have suffered a lot from the past...”

I tried to understand him...but there were many thoughts crossing my mind. He continued to explain; “You need to live the present my child...if you keep clinging to the past...it will consume you...I know that you feel fear of losing control right...here?”

Father Clemente gave me a rosary as he explained; “This special rosary will protect you, it has a special spell that will prevent you from losing control...put it on…” I put it on...and suddenly felt more confidence, as if my doubts were gone...the rosary really worked; “Thank you…” I hugged him, Father patted my head as he said; “You are not alone anymore...and remember, you’re not the only sinner here...everyone has a past that they need to get rid off…as for your question...I think you will find your purpose for this world in the future...”

I didn’t understand that, but I felt much better...I walked outside the church and Abril was waiting for me; “Estrella come with me...we’re playing cards tonight and it's true or dare...want to play?”

“Yes...I would love to…sister” I smiled at her and ran with her. I looked at my rosary and thought to myself...I WON'T LOSE CONTROL AGAIN…

I decided to live the present and accept my past...I can’t change it but at least I have to embrace it…

Father, Mother and Ales...please watch over me as I am beginning a new life…