SUBJECT // violet 'vee' lane // citizen violinist //

THEORY POTENTIAL // dim //

They're all looking at me, why me, I'm just trying to breathe, that's all I can focus on right now, just breathing without screaming. I can still see the boy, not actually, just in my mind, I can see his chest the way it came open like people are made of nothing, like we're just blood and bones and other stuff and now what I'm trying to do is breathe without vomiting.

The girls are looking at me. The other boy is looking at me. The one who's still alive. The one who still has all his blood and bones and other stuff inside his skin. I can't remember if I know any of their names. I guess I'm the oldest? Is that why they're all looking at me? But I don't know anything!

Keep calm, that's what North told me and he knows what he's doing. I can trust him. He's protecting us—yes, yes, HE is protecting US, not me! I can't fight or anything like that, I'm just a girl! I can play the violin and that's all I can do! Why am I here, that voice said 'chosen' but why would anyone choose me for anything, why these little girls, why the old man, why the Stoxan boys, why is any of this happening?

I take a sudden heaving desperate breath. I forgot. I forgot I was breathing. Thinking took over. Thinking isn't so good.

"What now?" the boy asks and his voice is shaking so hard but at least he can talk, I couldn't even do that. I can hear the fighting. I can hear North and the other one talking but not the words. Who is that man, the white haired man, where did he come from and why is he killing us and no, no Vee, thinking again, that's not good. But what else is there? Breathing. There's breathing. Remember to keep doing that because oh I want to, I want to keep breathing so badly.

"Do we run?" the boy says, staring at me like I guess I'm staring at him but also like he thinks I have any kind of an answer which I don't. "Help the guy? What we supposed to do?"

He says 'to' like 'tah', that must be a Stoxan thing.

"Stupid," I say and realise my teeth are chattering. "Stupid ridiculous stupid," and then I have to stop I mean I want to stop because I'm just burbling but I also have to stop because if my mouth is open for another second I'm going to scream forever.

I look down because something pinched my wrist, some kind of horrible insect or no, it's the girl, the littler one, the one with the patchwork cloak, she's pulling my wrist and pointing and her eyes are so big but I can't see what colour they are, just black.

Pointing. Just at a tree? But they're not trees, are they? Trees don't look like that. Is that tree special?

Three lizardmen step out from behind the special tree and I stare at them. It's not a choice. I'd move if I could. I can't. Maybe it's easier to just die. But you don't just die. We all saw that. They don't kill you. They crush your arms and legs and drag you away and eat you bit by bit, that's what North said and he knows, he knows—

The lizardmen aren't moving. They're just standing there. Looking at us, and we're looking at them. We're all of us frozen. It's so stupid and ridiculous I want to laugh until I die. Are they scared? Why? Why would anything be scared of me?

There's a sound like a crunch and a squelch from behind me and I know what it is and I don't tell my body to turn around but it does it anyway, and I don't tell my eyes to look at the little girl, not the patchwork cloak girl, the other one with hair like mine, but I can't look at her anyway because she's just a bone with bloody meat trailing off it and a soggy dark lump in a lizardman's claw and strands of red stretching between sharp teeth.

We're all of us nothing. Blood and bones in a bag made of skin. Lizardmen stand there and watch us while other lizardmen eat us and they're not scared because there's nothing we can do to them and they can do anything to us. Even if North comes back, he beat one lizardman on its own but there are three in front of us and three behind us and more in the trees because this is their jungle and we're nothing.

The boy makes a noise that's a scream and a snarl and a sob all at once and he hurls himself at one of the lizardmen.

I beg my eyes to close and blessed beneath they do.

I can't tell my ears to close, though.

I can't tell myself to die.

"You can run."

Oh, I've gone mad.

"When the time is right."

My eyes open and I'm looking down and the last little girl is looking up at me with those big dark eyes.

"You can run," she whispers, and she smiles. "You can run."

I know they'll catch me and I know they'll eat me and I know there's no hope. I can't run. The little girl lies. I'm just imagining this anyway.

She shakes her head, still smiling, and she points at the path, at the place where no lizardmen are standing. It moves towards me, the path does, and the trees move around me and oh, I'm running, I'm running as hard as I can even though it'll never be enough, they'll chase me and catch me and eat me in bits—

"Ah," as something heavy hits against my face, warmth on my cheek that gets hotter and hotter until I'm crying and still running and I hear them now behind me their footsteps heavy and strong and I can't ever run fast enough or far enough—

"Ah," again as my foot catches and I stumble and stagger and my shoulder slams against a tree and I clutch at it but I'm going too fast and there's a slope and I'm rolling and dirt fills my mouth and I gag and my head splits open on something sharp and I'm dead except I'm still rolling and it's almost nice, better this way, roll and roll and roll and when I stop rolling I'll be dead and won't have to worry about anything.

I stop rolling.

I'm not dead.

My ear tickles. I should be hurting. My cheek was burning before but I don't feel it. Just my ear tickling. I scratch. It feels wet. I can see up. The trees. The way the branches touch other branches, wrap into and around each other. It's like a cave. Dark, but light. Things floating in the air. Tiny white things floating like dandelion puffs, fluffy and pretty. Even the ground is soft and nice and white. Better than that ugly dirt. The only bad thing is a buzzing that's getting louder and louder and black in the air a swarm of bugs coming for me I open my mouth to scream but there's nothing to breathe just those white puffs and they fill my mouth and nose and eyes and the buzzing is everywhere and I feel the first stings and