Slowly I reach for the door handle and turn the lock. The door opens with a slight creek, finally the revealing the man behind it who’s leaning against the doorway and I’m suddenly stunned.

The sight of him almost takes my breath away; His golden blonde hair falling on his forehead in playful locks, his beautiful jawline and soft lips. I had forgotten how much his looks stir me up and I shudder at the immense urge that wells up of wanting to feel his lips against mine once more. But more than that, I feel trapped by his eyes. Those eyes as blue as the sky, looking at me with such warmth and intensity that I fear they may glimpse my very soul.

Was he always this beautiful?

A relieved smile spreads on his face and I swallow.

“Can I come in?”

I nod and take a step back to let him enter the hallway and he takes off his jacket and shoes. I find myself staring at his broad back, the muscles moving only lightly obscured by his t-shirt. His nape visible, his tan summer tan paled since I last saw him. Then he gets up and starts heading into the living room and I follow as he sits down on the couch.

It seems like it’s been forever since I last saw him, only it isn’t. It’s only been a few weeks. What is this trembling in my chest?

“Uhm…” he begins, and his voice brings me back to my senses, “I’m sorry”.

His voice is soft and his gaze sincere.

“I shouldn’t have left you last time… You were scared and…”

“She told you, Jen, didn’t she?” I interrupt him, the coldness of my voice surprising even myself.

“Not exactly… She had me and a friend, Jonathan from Law, over the other day and she explained a bit about a ‘hypothetical’ case… but I knew it was about you…”

I swallow and feel my face burning with shame.

“She said it was about a young woman who was abused by her brother when she was younger and how they needed a restraining order against him now… She texted me earlier, saying you’d found out she told me… So I thought I had to come over and explain…”

There is a long pause. My emotions are a mix of anger, shame and… immense sadness. I don’t even understand it all myself.

“Mona…?”

“How much did she tell you?” I ask, none of my raging emotions even hinted in my voice.

“That’s about it. That you were abused by your brother when you were younger and that’s why you moved here.”

I can’t even look at him. The pity in his voice, the fact that he knows… it’s unbearable. He reaches out for my hand on the couch, but I shift away, so he doesn’t touch me.

“Do you pity me now?” I ask him, feeling both hot and cold at the same time.

“No… I wouldn’t call it that…” he says and the way he draws out his words makes me clench my teeth. Don’t lie to me.

“I’m here because I worry about you, I still care about you…” he says.

My fists curl into knots as he speaks, as if the gesture might calm my raging emotions. I can’t believe in his words; I can’t let myself be swept away. It was so easy for him to leave when he found out I wasn’t going to give him what he wanted. Now he’s back because he pities me.

He chuckles nervously, then adds:

“I know it was too early to tell you last time, but I’m sorry: I love you.”

His words make my body tingle strangely. ‘Don’t trust them’ I try to tell myself, but something in his voice makes me want to look up. Don’t look. Don’t get swept away, don’t get swept away…

“I-I can’t…” my voice trembles.

“I know, I’m not going to pressure you anymore. I understand now why you are so afraid…”

I’m afraid?

I look at him in surprise and the look on his face sends shivers throughout my body; It’s so warm, gentle and sincere. The shock is so great that I don’t notice that he takes my hand and when I finally do, I can’t muster the strength to pull away.

“I know your brother made you afraid of other people’s affection. You’re scared that they’ll leave you or use you… but I’m not going anywhere, and I don’t need anything from you other than your permission to stay by your side… So won’t you let me?”

The look in his eyes makes me want to melt. My heart is beating so hard in my chest and I can barely focus on anything but the warmth of his touch. Why does this man always make me want to give in? He makes feel emotions that I thought I had forever sealed away and it scares me. If I let him in, if I let myself love him… I’m afraid I might break… But strangely he also gives me courage. He makes me feel like I might be able to overcome my fears as long as he’s beside me. How does he do it?

I notice that tears have begun flowing down my cheeks when he leans in to wipe a drop from my eye. His breath is so close to my face I can feel the heat. I want to give in, to accept his words and feelings. To kiss those lips and let myself be comforted by his embrace.

As if he’d read my thoughts he leans in, and for a brief moment I’m sitting frozen under his gaze, then I feel his soft lips on top of mine. The sensation is pleasant and gentle, that I feel all my resistance and fear wither away. Like raindrops under the summer sun they vanish as his arms wrap around mine and I feel the warmth of his body pressed against mine and with their disappearance emerges a desperation. To feel more.