《Say That You Want Me》Episode 23: The Leak

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My hands tremble as we exit the lawyer’s office. It wasn’t even a real meeting, just introduction and talk about payments, but I’m so nervous. I think Jen notices, because she grabs my hand and gives it a gentle squeeze.

“It’s okay. This is just the first step, but we can do this” she says, and I cringe a little at the statement that sounds like this is both of our problem and not just mine. But she’s trying to comfort me, so I take a deep breath.

I can’t believe she got me convinced to go through with the process of getting a restraining order. I nearly ripped her head off when she told me she had spoken about my case with a student from law, but she assured me they had only spoken in hypotheticals and that she’d just asked about the procedures and burden of evidence involved. I guess I’ll trust her for now… I could use the support and I probably couldn’t do it without her. Which is an odd feeling, by the way. I had become so used to not relying on anyone that my dependence on her right now, makes me slightly nervous.

We walk a little hand in hand to the bus stop, when she suddenly says:

“I talked to Aaron, by the way. I think he misses you…”

I pale a little. Why would she talk to him suddenly?

“You didn’t tell him about this, did you?”

“N-no” she stutters, and her eyes flicker a little.

“Jen, you didn’t?”

I feel my heart beating faster. She better not have, I don’t want him involved. Her eyes better not have flickered because she’s lying to me.

“Mona, I-I…” she can’t even look me in the eye.

“Jen! I can’t believe you!” I shout and pull my hand away.

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I feel tears and anger welling up. I didn’t want him to know, why did she tell him? The last thing I want is for him to look at me with pity. Not him!

Jen looks at me with a regretful expression and tries to reach out for me again, but I won’t have it. Fucking betrayer!

“Don’t touch me!”

Then I start running. Down the crowded street without a care for who I bump into, tears clouding my vision. I can’t believe this. Then I spot a cab that has just dropped off someone and I hurriedly make my way over.

I hear Jen’s voice somewhere behind me:

“Mona!”

I jump into the backseat and tell the cabbie to drive and as he turns onto the road, I notice Jen’s visage in the rearview mirror. But I don’t care, I just need to go home. To get away.

I make my way into the complex elevator and reach my front door. When I enter, it’s dark inside. The curtains are drawn closed and the air is stagnant in here. I haven’t been back for more than a week but stayed at Jen’s apartment. This dreary environment is oddly appropriate to my mood.

I throw my keys on the kitchen table on my way to the living room and fling myself on the couch. This is the worst.

A few hours later my doorbell rings and I stiffen.

My phone’s off so it could be Jen coming to apologize in person. I don’t want to talk to her yet, so I hope it’s not… though it would still be better than the second option: That it is my brother.

I’m suddenly hit with a dread. Even if I was angry, maybe I shouldn’t have left Jen and ran home. I don’t know if it’s safe here…

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The doorbell rings once more and I move a little to get up and I notice my heart is racing as I approach the front door.

It rings again and this time I hear a voice call out on the other side:

“Mona, you in here?”

I almost shudder with relief when I recognize the voice. It’s not my brother. Though I don’t really feel more inclined to open, because it isn’t Jen or a salesperson either; It’s Aaron.

What the hell is he doing here?

“Mona! You’re in there, aren’t you? Jen told me what happened, and we need to talk”

What, Talk about what exactly? I don’t need your fucking pity. I don’t need you in my life, I don’t need you! I don’t really know why it makes me so angry that he’s here, why I’m so angry that Jen told him. Would I have felt differently if it was someone else who knew?

“I don’t know if you’re in there, but I’m going to wait here until you show up or talk to me.”

‘Wait until you rot’ I think to myself, but for some reason I find myself leaning against the door unable to move away.

It’s quiet for a while, then his voice sounds again and for some reason it tucks at my heartstrings.

“Mona, I’m so sorry I just left before. I shouldn’t have. I was just so angry… hurt by your words. But I know you might not even have meant them.”

“I did!”

The words fly out of my mouth before I have a chance to stop them and I quickly cover my mouth. There is a short silence.

“So you are in there… Won’t you open up and we can talk?” he slowly speaks.

“We don’t have anything to talk about Aaron! Wasn’t it clear that we ended it last time? I don’t need you coming crawling back now – I don’t need your pity!”

The volume of my voice is steadily increasing and before I know it, I’m shouting at him. I don’t know why I’m so angry.

“It’s not pity!” he yells, and he also sounds agitated. “It’s not like that. It’s not like that…”

I wonder what face he’s making right now…?

“Mona, I promise I’ll leave after if you want me to, but can’t we talk?”

I hesitate. On one hand it’d be good if I could make him leave, but on the other that’d mean I’d have to face him…

“Please?”

I sigh, my heart clenching and my head swirling with confusion.

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