The ensuing conversation - well it was more like an argument, or whatever you’d call wrangling a particularly idiotic puppy. Either way, the next morning we ate breakfast, gathered our tools and equipment, and set off. Myself, Henrique, May and Raufa. Henrique so his stupid little catrips could do their work, and May because she had some sort of attachment to Henrique’s being alive or something.

A rough trail led towards the nearby rocky hills. Along the way we spotted the odd patch of exposed dirt and gathered as much as we could in buckets hauled by Raufa, until the cracks in the earth widened into crags and rifts in stone. Grandfather’s rays helped us spot our wish, a down-ward shaft of split earth, deep gouges rounding out the edges, like a house-sized cat had found something new to ruin.

“A bit of a climb down,” I said, setting down my share of the load a ways away from the entrance - a single bag. “Not too bad. Alright. Let’s review the plan. Henrique, take this last opportunity to rub it in May’s face.”

“Ahuhm,” the boy said, using a coyly curled finger to wipe a drip of sweat from his brow in a ‘I’m cool but not going to bother saying it’ sort of move. “Well, Raufa and I are going on a hardcore, epic mission. Crawling into the Dragon’s Lair itself, where even the mighty fear to tread, and with my unique, precious cantrips, I’m to keep a blanket of darkness in front of Raufa while she sneaks up on the bastardly beast, does her whatever, and help soak up all the piss. Then we, dashingly, escape this hell pit, return to the city victorious and collect our well earned spoils. And I’m the one who can do it, the only one who can save us and our company. Me, and genius collection of cantrips. Bravo.” He gave himself a series of tiny, barely audible claps.

“Excellent,” I said, patting the boy on the shoulder. “May, as the twin with all the attention span, care to fill in everything he got wrong?”

“We’ve gotta slather them in mud, lower them down. He needs to keep the fuck quiet or he’ll die, he needs to stay directly behind Raufa as they crawl, or he’ll die, he needs to not fuck up in any way really, or he’ll die, he needs to not look when Raufa does her whatever, or he’ll die, and we both need to never ever talk about this again or we’ll both die. By Raufa’s hands.”

“Excellent.” I spread out the straps and tubes as Raufa spread her arms for her dressing. “Raufa, anything to add?”

“No.”

“Excellent. May, water bags are on the sled, start mixing us up some mud, would you dear? Henrique, sit down and prepare yourself for the most dangerous thing you’ve ever done.”

“Piece of cake,” Henrique said, arse down, fingers laced behind his head.

“No, dumbass, it’s not.” May said, water in hand. “You’re an idiot, and you’re going to die.”

“Piece of cake!” Henrique shouted back.

I started a harsh shush, but couldn’t move faster than Raufa’s casual backhand across the side of Henrique’s head, hard enough to concuss, sending him sprawling from his leisurely seat on the rocks.

“Quiet.”

“God they’re so dead,” May muttered. Having been topped off with water, the two buckets of dirt slowly melted into thick, sludgy mud as she swirled them bare-armed.

“Henrique, we’re right next to the entrance, Dragon’s can hear pretty good, and it’s a cave. Sound carries. Hence May’s helpful advice for, what was it? Staying the fuck quiet.”

Rubbing his skull, Henrique flopped over, sighing.

“You’ll all appreciate me properly soon enough.”

“We appreciate you pal,” I said. “We just dislike you almost as much. But don’t worry. We all grow up eventually.”

May nodded.

Preparations continued in glorious silence. Raufa well strapped, the both of them thoroughly coated in mud of just the right consistency. Raufa set a rope about a sturdy trunk, tested the strength, and all but leapt down the hole. Henrique soon followed.

And just like that, things were off. We sat down to wait, eager to soak in some early morning rays while all the difficult work was done by my for-now unpaid lessers.

“What if it goes badly?”

“Nuh-uh.” I raised a finger at her. “Don’t say stuff like that. You’re all but begging for it to go wrong.”

“That’s not how that works, Oskar. It’s ‘Prepare for the worst, hope for the best’, not, ‘Think hard enough and things work out magically.’”

“No, you’re wrong, and I can explain why mathematically. See, you only have a certain amount of prep time. If you spent all your time preparing for a task to go wrong, it’ll never go right! If you spare a little bit of time to prepare for failure, whos to say that time wasn’t the final smidgen the plan needed to fully mature? But spend all your time preparing for, and hoping that it’ll go right, and you’ll maximize the chances that it will, all but guaranteeing it! It’s simple.”

“That didn’t include even a single number but, fine, whatever, moving on.” May rubbed at her head, pacing.

“Sun’s breath, you’re worse than Henrique was. Sit down girl, stay positive, and stop thinking things will go wrong, because they won’t.”

Anyway, shortly after she settled down, things went wrong.

A Dragon’s scream - not the usual terrified, violated sort, but something more akin to a regular angry dragon, erupted from the cave. Followed by a shrieking that sounded vaguely like Henrique that sounded vaguely like my name.

My first thought was that May had proven me wrong, which irked me. Then I realized this could only have happened because she’d secretly continued worrying, which meant I was right after all. Thus validated, my next move was to consider what we ought to do to fix it.

“Right, well then, how much mud is left? Nevermind.” I batted my skull through my hat. May was gathering up the rope in a hurry, binding her hand in it. “What are you doing?”

“We need to go down there!” she yelled, not so much as looking up.

“Yes, yes, alright. Bollocks and shit. Uhm. No, we can’t! Or I can’t! But need to!”

“Oskar, stop panicking and help me!” She held out the line to me. “Lower me down!”

“No, shut up, listen!” I said, yanking the spool from her. “I’m not strong enough to lower you down, but I can go down and help! I know what to do, just get me down there!”

I had no idea what to do, but my golly I’d figure it out when it came to it. From the crag a fresh spew of roars, screams and pleas erupted, as well as a few bouts of fire. That set my stomach to ice. Had one of them just burnt to cinder?

“Oskar, that’s a bad-”

“Shut up! There’s no time to argue, I’m your Boss and I’ve done this before. Grab me a lantern and lets get me down there!”

I took a loose end of the rope, wrapped it tightly about my waist. For once May hopped to it with aplomb, fetching and lighting the spare lantern we kept perpetually full and tied to the sled. I ran the rope through is handle, such that it hung neatly at my hip. Together we approached the edge, illuminated now by the gentle heat of the dragon’s rage.

Trying my best not to shudder in sheer dread, I got one foot over the edge, clinging to the rocks and thin weeds for dear life. May, her hands firm on the rope, stood over me with a grim expression, my life in her hands.

“If you drop me, you’re not getting paid,” I said.

“Go, Oskar!”

“Yes, yes.”

The slow climb down - well let's not go over it shall we, I’d rather not relive the experience. Needless to say I managed to get down the twenty or so feet where the chasms reached some sort of leveling off, escaped the rope and set off towards the dull glow, lantern in hand.

Another squeal.

“Yes, yes! Hold your horses!”

“ROOAAA On second thought I’m not going to write it out. The dragon roared, and between the climb down, the sudden, deafening echo of the sound, and the memories it recalled of the first time I managed to bravely shit my only a little bit. I did pause for breath for a moment, but another of Henrique’s cries added some grease to my wheels.

Twists and turns, lead by the unmistakable heat, glow and, what many people don’t know, stench of Dragon’s breath. I’m not sure if it's their fire that smells like that, or if melting rocks have their own stink, but I’ve only gotten to experience it when Dragons are about, but it’s like if two skunk glands made love and birthed a stinky skunky rock baby. I’m rambling because this was a horrible time and it makes me feel better. It’s my book. Fuck you Stefan..

The chambers opened, a high ceiling ranged up above, freshly forming stalag-whichevers were forming from the freshly melting rock above in a fair few patches. On the far side the Dragon raged, not much more than a silhouette, wings flexing, tail whipping back and forth, filling up most of the grandiose space. It sort of spun and flailed, occasionally scratching at a particular spot of rock it had blasted white-hot.

I managed to maintain my bowls, partly due to the confusion of the scene. Dragons didn’t usually do this sort of thing. It was either a stalking, slinking, waiting predator, or it was in your face and then your face was in it. This ineffectual tantrum wasn’t their sort of thing. Movement caught my eye, Henrique’s wiggling hand beckoning me. I ducked over.

“Os-”

I slapped my hand over his mouth, shaking my head. He huddled behind and somewhat beneath a rocky outcropping, shielded from the Dragon’s fire. Where Henrique crouched, Raufa lay flat on her back, shuddering. Another beast acting very strange, this time even more concerning. A slow scan of lantern light revealed the gradual left-to-right gradient from mud to clothes to skin to burnt skin to charred nastiness. Hard to tell exactly how bad in your current situation, but not great certainly. The whites of her eyes near shone against the blackened flesh and mud, staring straight up at nothing, mouth firmly shut practically choking through her nose.

“Bollocks.”

“Oskar, what-”

I damn near backhanded him, but he hushed and ducked faster than I could move. I placed afinger on my lips, set down the lantern and ever so slowly pushed up to peek at the Dragon. Still angry, still clawing away at its chosen corner. Bizarre.

I slunk down again, came very close to Henrique and whispered.

“Explain. Quiet as a mouse, now.”

Henrique nodded and came to I ear.

“We got close, I was doing my shadow thing, but it swung its head around. I maybe might have sniffled a little bit, but I didn’t sneeze so you can’t blame me. Anyway it nudged into her and I was like Oh Shit but then she fucking reeled back and punched that sucker right in its eye just as it was starting up some fire! But it got some out and got her a little, but I guess she got it good too cos it fucking freaked out. She grabbed me and dashed back, but I think she might have gotten hit again covering me, and now it’s bad, so I used my little shadow thingy and caught its attention, made it look like the shadow was hopping over to the corner, and its been hacking over there since then. I done stayed quiet like you said, but it keeps shooting flames over this way anyway and I dont think I can carry Raufa that quick so fuck shit man what are we gonna do?”

I grabbed Henriques mouth and forced it shut. Shoving him aside I crouched over Raufa, moved into her line of sight. Her eyes flicked the short distance to me.

She was scared too. Just like the first time. She’d even let out a tear or two. Not right.

I ran a hand over her hair. “I’m going to get you out of here.”

I leaned back, wiped my face dry and took a deep breath.

“Henrique, ready to become a real Dragon Piss Merchant?” He opened his mouth to speak. “Don’t answer that. Here’s what you’re going to do. Stay here. I’m going to get its attention and pull it over there.” I pointed to the slim crack that had served as your entry. “I’ll find cover in the smaller turns. When it starts squirming in, you erupt from cover…” and use the patented, proprietary, revolutionary technique of Dragon Piss Merchant’s Piss Extractiontm, I told him. “It’s gonna freak out and start spewing out of both ends. Get to cover with Raufa and hide until it leaves. Then we can get her out of here and collect our bounty.”

Thankfully Henrique just nodded, though he did squint and twist his head when I described the technique. That was a good sign.

I stood, grabbed the lantern, and backed off to the entrance. A painting of shadows, wings and shimmering scales squirmed before me, unbelievably massive, powerful and furious. Dragons are absurd, really, it’s just unfair. It’s tail could almost reach me from all the way across the cavern, the spiked end carving audible rifts through the air as it twitched hysterically.

“Hey!” you called. “Stink! - uh - Flame! - uh - Scale? - uh - Mouth face!”

It spun, curling in somewhat like a snake. Dragon’s eyes tend to have that cat half-glow thing going on, and I could easily make out where one eye in tact, the other was closed and kinda funky looking. Raufa’d got it good, the beautiful maniac!

“Yeah! We got you good! Come bite me you, uh, Oh fuck-”

It launched, and I launched too, straight onto my knees as the twist on uneven ground sent me sprawling. The lantern cracked in my hand. I abandoned it and scrambled. Every inch of my skin facing backwards ran icy, anticipating the incoming fiery death. I ducked around the first corner I could find, curled as far away from the Dragon’s screams. It, thrust its head into the entry way and let out a stream of flame that, even without touching me, scorched my face and neck just from the ambient heat

It paused. Not good. Couldn’t let it retreat, so I let out a calculated cry of immense owies. Claws scraped, a growl growing louder. It was crawling into the space. I dashed again into this quickly narrowing gap around the last corner of refuge I had, said my goodbyes to Mary.

The growl hiccuped, and rose and intensified into a horrific squeal of unbelievable agony and suffering. Covering my ears couldn’t help the re-doubled sounds battering my eardrums. I curled up and rode out the various pains and anxieties until the beast retreated. The ringing in my ears hasn’t stopped, even now.

Dazed, hurt, wrought dry with fear and exertion, I staggered up against the wall, started out, before realizing that, oh yes, the dragon had shot rock-melting fire all throughout my exit tunnel. And by the looks of things, cooling would take a while.

"Oh.” I collapsed against a wall, face and neck seared, hearing near gone, emotions drained, bowls emptied. Honestly, sometimes I feel like life is just taking the piss.

***

Cleanup and recovery was slow, tedious and dull. May fetched water from a nearby stream in the buckets, chucking it down the crag over the course of an hour until it had trickled down the descending path and cooled enough rock so that I could hop and skip my way safely along the ground, back to Raufa and Henrique. The two of them, with nothing to do but wait, had helpfully began gathering up the haul in the fading light. Or rather Raufa watched and directed Henrique who, by his cloud-white complexion, had gone beyond nausea and vomiting into a full on fugue state.

A veritable slurry of the stuff still remained across the stone floor, a glorious haul, all things considered.. I helped Henrique, gave Raufa the occasional glance and pat on the shoulder the - good one, not the chargrilled one - and asked if she was alright. The answer was a stern no of course. Not even my joke about it still going better than the first time helped to cheer her up. And she told me I needed to get over things! Hah!

Anyway it was well into night by the time we managed to haul ourselves out of the cave. May, it seemed, had abandoned bucket-chucking to fetch Madeline and Pritchard. All three helped pull and haul and such. I climbed up in a fairly optimistic mood. Well, that went away as soon as Raufa arrived, and stepped into lantern light.

She stared at diminishing twilight as Madeline ran a lantern around her, revealing the black, pink and red flesh that covered most of her shoulder, neck and back on one side. Her every quickened breath quivered.. A couple fingers caught a nasty breath, too, probably trying to defend herself. A difficult sight, one that culminated once more in trying to intercept her gaze. A gaze that, once dead and lifeless, was heart-wrenchingly alive with suffering.

“Let’s get you to camp, dear,” I said, taking her good hand. “Stefan will know what to do.”

Her eyes didn’t meet mine this time, but she nodded nevertheless, and let herself be led to the cart. She sat on the edge, stiff as a board, clinging to the edges for dear life.. I whipped the horses into slow action, night well and truly set. No one said a word. Not on the ride, not those two hours later when we helped her down, not even as we guided her to Stefan’s wagon.

He guided her in and shut the door, and we all were left out in the cold, unsure of what came next. Frankly all I could think about was my cot.

“Okay,” Madeline said, more a breath than a word. “Oskar, let’s see your burn. I think we can handle that ourselves at least.”

“What?” I said, touching my face. It ached, true, but hardly anything worthwhile. “No, no, it’s a nothing, see? A good nights rest, will…” Strength abandoned my lungs.

“Oskar,” May began.

“I said not now.” I waved them off and came here to write. It’s light out already, but I think I’ll go to sleep now anyway. We could all use a a day off.

Despite it all I think everything went fine. My face hurts but not so bad, we got a nice haul for Mr.Me, we’re on track to get back our contracts, make a real go of this whole underground drug business thing. Raufa, Raufa’ll be fine. I’m sure. I’m

I'm going to bed.