One Friday, Ruby and I learned that there was to be a fraternity party where the entire first floor was covered in a foot of sand. It was already getting colder and we decided on one last taste of summer, despite the fact that it would probably be mixed with the taste of cheap beer. I had been warned about Pittsburgh winters; they were so cold that it people could get frostbite if they weren’t dressed appropriately (as in covered head to toe in wool). It was also the kind of winter that brought people together, through having something to complain about, a shared enemy. Ruby pulled out all of her cutoff jean shorts and laid them on her desk, which, I had discovered, is what she believed her desk to be for.

“America tube top or tie dye tank top?” she asked me.

“Don’t you think the American flag is a little much for this party?”

“But tie dye is childish…”

It was funny to me the way that people always asked me for advice and then fought against it. They would seem like they were genuine about their desire to be guided. And then, once guided, they would realize that they actually did have strong feelings and I would feel like an idiot for not anticipating what they actually wanted me to say. Perhaps I should have stopped giving advice all together. But that kind of idea about giving advice was hard to explain. And you couldn’t just say no if someone asked you a question. Well, you could, but then you’d be a jerk and no one would ask you for advice…and it was nice to be asked.

I borrowed a pair of Ruby’s cutoff shorts because I had nothing even remotely summery.My mother would never have approved of how short they were. I tried on her shirts but we were different sizes so I wore my bathing suit and one of the tank tops I wanted to care about, but couldn’t. Ruby and I stared at ourselves in the mirror. Ruby admired herself while I wished I was more comfortable with my body. I looked like I was heading out to do yard work, not go to a fraternity beach party.

Ruby was in a bubbling champagne-like mood. “Shots.”

I hesitated, as I was not known for the amount I was able to drink.

Ruby poured me one anyway, a shot of something pink that tasted like it looked.

Flint pushed open the door we had left dead bolted.

“Oh, wow. Where are you two going?”

“A “Minding Your Own” Anonymous meeting,” Ruby said.

I winced. “There’s a party down the street.”

“Aren’t you going to be cold? It’s like 50 degrees out there,” Flint said.

I faltered, running through the female empowerment mantras I had heard all my life about how I should be able to dress the way I wanted to without being judged, without my appearance being commented on. But I just felt bad. When Ruby handed me the shot of pink, I drank it to forget that Flint disapproved of what I was doing.

“I was going to ask if you wanted to watch another episode of West Wing,” Flint said.

“Now’s not really a good time. Maybe tomorrow?”

He nodded, accepting my scrap offering, and walked out of the room.

I probably should have run after him, given him a hug, apologized for not carrying my weight in our friendship for the last few weeks, perhaps even to try to get him to understand what EMS meant to me. I did another pink shot and followed Ruby out of the room, already feeling like my brain was fuzzy and numb.

When we arrived, it was chaos. When we stepped into the fraternity house, we were immediately assaulted by the stale smell of beer. The sand between our toes was fun to play with and we spent some time adjusting to the party vibe and attempting to build castles with our feet, because God forbid we touch the sand with our hands at this point in the night. No one knew what it could be hiding. The DJ was standing on a table, pumping his fist in the air and screaming the lyrics to every song. The group on the dance floor was gyrating their partners into the wall. In the corner, a group of men with large torsos and scrawny legs played beer pong. Ruby and I called the next game and settled in to watch the team before us get drunker and less coordinated with every cup they lost.

When it was our turn, we washed the ping-pong balls off in water and started throwing. I threw overhand and Ruby threw underhand. Her tactic worked and she took out three of my cups in a row. I braced myself before each drink, praying that this one would not have some terrible disease picked up from the balls on the floor. The beer seemed to lubricate my throwing arm and I came back so we were even. We were cup for cup until one of the dancers stumbled off the dance floor and into our table, toppling our game and crashing into the wall. I jumped back. He groaned and his friends helped him up.

Ruby and I grabbed hands and walked out of the room. I was glad to have her beside me. Once outside, we deliberated. Leave the party and go to sleep like losers or try and stick it out for another hour or two and call it a triumph. The door opened behind us and Akul and our adventuring crew with a few extras walked into the hallway.

“We thought we saw you! A bit too much to handle?” Akul asked.

“Let’s blow this popsicle stand,” Carl said. “Let’s go see the skyline.”

“Only if you want me to turn into a popsicle,” I said, trying to be clever.

John stepped forward and handed me his fleece. I reached out and touched it, looking at him again to see if he really had meant to offer it to me. His eyes were softer than they had been at the presentation, like melting chocolate chips. No one had ever looked at me that way. I slipped it on and it fell past my very short shorts. I pulled the fleece up to my hips so it did not look like I was only wearing a sweatshirt. I regretted wearing Ruby’s shorts. I felt ridiculous, something only the dark of the other room had been able to hide.

We bid the beach party goodbye and ended up at John’s car. Akul said that he would drive and everyone piled in according to size, leaving me to be last, as I was the smallest. They had filled up the seats, with five people in the back three seats and Akul and John in the front two. There was no room for me.

“I guess I’ll go home. See you guys tomorrow.”

I began to walk towards my dorm, clutching the fleece tightly to me.

“Come on, you can sit on my lap. We can fit,” John said.

I stared at the packed car. “I wouldn’t have a seatbelt. What if we get into an accident?”

“We’re all dead!” Ruby said.

I took another step away from the car.

John held his hand out to me. “I’ll be your seatbelt.”

I contemplated the offer on the table: almost certain death and John’s hand or reliable safety and no John. In the moment, my choice seemed pretty clear. I took his hand and got into the car. He wrapped his arms around me and rested his head on my shoulder. I felt a blush slide up my neck and warm my face. As we drove, I tried to stay as still as possible, a difficult feat when balancing on top of another person. When we took a turn, his arms would tighten around my waist, keeping me from tipping too far towards the window. His hands were so gentle but it felt like something more. Was John drunk or was he actually interested in me? I hoped we would get out of the car soon so I wouldn’t have to figure out an answer to that question.

When we arrived at the overlook, the highest point outside of the city, we all piled out of the car and ran for the railings. The chilled metal grabbed my hands as I tried to take in every part of the skyline. The buildings illuminated the sky, creating a glow that felt to me like the heart of the city. It pulsed and changed with the gusts of wind but it always continued to glow.

I shuddered as the wind hit me from the side. Everyone rushed together into a penguin huddle, hoping not to be the one on the outside. I arrived last so I was left on the outside, trying to block the others from the wind with my naked legs and John’s fleece. I wished I had been faster or just a few steps closer. After a few minutes of listening to Ruby, who was in the center, talk about how warm it was, I gave up. I decided to deal with the frigid temperature and enjoy my time, floating above the city.

I heard footsteps from behind me. Someone had noticed my departure and come to my aid. I didn’t turn around, in case they saw how upset I was at having been left on the edge, again. John’s hands gripped the railing on both sides of me. I instantly felt warmer, but I wasn’t sure if it was adrenaline or his body’s heat.

“Do you know what that one is called?” he said, pointing to the building with the pink lights encircling the top like a laurel.

I shook my head, too mute to think of a response.

“That’s the US Steel building. It used to be where the US Steel Corporation was housed. Now, it’s pretty much owned by UPMC. It’s a symbol of the renaissance as the city switches from tech to healthcare,” he said.

I wondered if the others were watching us. I wondered what they thought.

“If you follow that river, do you know what that bridge is called?”

I turned my head to see what the rest of the group was doing during my history lesson. They were still huddled but it was looking more and more intimate. I looked away.

John’s hand brushed mine on the railing. I felt heat clamber up my abdomen and lodge in my chest. I shuddered again from the cold.

“You must be freezing,” he said.

I tried to control the spasms I was having from being at a high altitude at three in the morning. The spasms didn’t necessarily mean I was freezing. It meant my body was trying to prevent me from freezing.

“Would you want to hang out back at my room to warm up?”

“Maybe another time,” I said smiling, as if we hung out all the time.

“Well, if you’re not going to let me warm you up, we have to do something. I have a duty to act,” he said winking.

I laughed into the sleeve of his fleece at his cheesy line.

“Come on guys, let’s pack up and go home,” John said to the group.

I looked up, surprised that someone had decided to single-handedly change our plans. The even more surprising thing was that the group listened to him. They all gathered the bags they had dropped and started towards the car. John guided my shoulder around and we followed, even though John led. I wished that I could be more like him.

When we arrived back at the dorm, Ruby and I fell out of the car in our haste and ran towards our rooms and our beds, waving behind us.

“Are you okay? He doesn’t have to do that if you don’t want him to,” Ruby said.

So they had seen.

“I don’t know what I want,” I said.

Ruby took me by the arm in an oddly maternal way. “That’s all right.”