“ I can't believe it took you this long Sarai” I laughed flashing a grin, for a second I was actually having fun.

‘you should just kill yourself’ the thought cut through what little happiness I was feeling.

‘Right I don't deserve happiness not with everything I've done’ I let my smile fall.

“Hey! I've been busy I was a bit preoccupied with the present not the past mainly Jackson, so it's natural I didn't remember right off the bat”she stated defensively.

Without any joy I forced a pleasant smile for her, I didn't want to show her (or anybody for that matter) the weakness that lurked just underneath the stretch of my lips and show of my teeth.

“So where'd you go anyway?’ She asked.

“ I joined the army”I put simply.

“J-joined the army? Why didn't you say anything what if you had gotten hurt? Someone who cares for you should've been told, someone should have known” a hint of anger echoed in her words, anger at me or herself? I wondered silently.

“Sarai… can we just bought talk about it?” My question was really a plea. I didn't want to think about the boy, or Ray, or Tommy. Every memory was filled with an aching pain, a pain that rose like a dragon taking flight when even the slightest mention of my time over there was brought up. My mind flooded with scenes of violence, of blood splayed in the dirt and on my face soaking my hands, dying my world red, I was back there holding a tiny warm body that was quickly chilling the smell of pungent vomit burned my nose the stillness of a body the spinning of my world… I will never forget these sensations, his death will always be my sin.

‘What about Tommy? What if he's hurt or-or’ I grew pale at the thought of losing someone else. Each person I'd lost had carried a piece of me with them and those pieces died with them; the scariest part was knowing I could lose another piece at any moment, I'd seen it happen.

Her eyes closely examined me until, gently, she said “ okay we don't have to talk about that, I'm sorry Michael”

I laughed “Sorry for what? You didn't do anything”after all she was too good to have done the same things I'd done.

“I'm sorry I brought it up” she said I noted a look of pity in her beautiful features.

“It's okay really” I reassured her ‘ no reason we should both look so glum’ I thought.

“I know! To make it up to you why don't you come with me to the fair? I was going to ask you later but now looks like the perfect time to me” she said with a look that said I couldn't refuse.

“The fair?” I asked confused as to why she'd invite me of all people.

“ Yeah I work at one of the exhibits putting up pictures, so I get in for free they always hand out a few spare passes so I can get in a few more people, but since Jackson I don't really have people to invite and you've helped me so much it would be nice to just hang out and have fun” Sarai explained with a wide smile clearly excited.

‘I don't deserve happiness’ the words rang in my head. Those words were fact I didn't deserve anything let alone happiness, but I also couldn't deny her.

“Okay, sounds like fun” I smiled again trying to show a decent attitude.

“Great you can name the day” she smiled back, but her smile was genuine.