Not long after we left the little body curled up by an oddly luscious patch of grass and wildflowers, were we back to base both of us looking worse for wear. A lengthy report was given from Tommy and I, Tommy leading the conversation, to be honest though my mind didn’t occupy the same space as my body I felt completely, wholly, numb.

Day after excruciating day I lived in an oblivion of gray. The incident blended with my past every time. Sometimes ,without noticing I was doing so, tears dripped from my chin turning the pale dirt and sand dark. I felt the urge to be warm to feel light and I knew one thing would give me that feeling, alcohol. I’d promised to never drink, after my father how could I? Yet here I sat a bottle of warm vodka poured into a metal container, a burning in my throat as the liquid carried me into a time where I could feel something. One drink made me feel hope, the next made me feel light, a whole bottle later and I was unimaginably happy.

About a week after I started drinking I was full of courage, I held a gun to my head and played a little Russian roulette Tommy frowned at me across the bunks

“ Jesus Michael, put the gun down!” Tommy said as he stalked over and yanked away the gun.

“ Oh come on Tommy I’m just having some fun, lighten up” I couldn’t help noticing the last part of my sentence slur just a little.

“ No pardon me I’m just not a sick fuck that wants to see my friend’s brains scattered across the room” scowling Tommy stalked off.

“ Geez what did I do?”

When night fell I was all alone my eyes would droop until finally heavy lids sent me off to a dark nightmare.Dirt would cover my body each grain weighing more than a ton. The child would appear with pale skin and dark circles under a now pair of lifeless gray eyes. Staring he’d search me looking through to my very being invading every part of me he’d tilt his head once he knew exactly who I was, and say “ where’s your brother’s? Why can’t you save us?” Then he’d simply whisper

“ I’m so scared” as tears rolled down both cheeks making a sea of blood that I’d gurgle and drown in glimpsing Ray’s pale face in the bloodied sea.

I couldn’t help them hell I could only see or hear their voice in my nightmares. I was stuck in a hopeless place, I wanted to tear myself apart for my weakness, instead I simply reflected on humanity.