My eyes burned as they were flooded by sunlight. I blinked, going to rub them when a hand closed around my wrist – it wasn’t tight but I still jumped. One eye opened and I looked at the hand’s owner: Freda, pale and petite, eyes that seemed nervous; her sword and shield were at her back, the former obnoxiously long while the latter was smaller and metal, with the picture of a flying bird in a circle of thorny, golden vines – the bird’s eyes were made from small earth gems.

“Your hands are dirty,” she said, her voice soft. “We’ve fought a few beasts and their innards might have spilled onto your gloves. If you touch your eyes they will burn fiercely, it might cause blindness.”

“Thanks,” I said, trying to smile. It didn’t work. My expression was pinched and my teeth clenched, making me look tense. The adrenaline from the battle was gone, leaving me tired in body and mind. We hadn’t stopped to rest, only moved from one fight to another, going deeper into this labyrinth.

The ceiling was lined with stalactites, each studded with pieces of luminous gems that replicated sunlight; there were places where water dripped or sprayed out, rainbows appearing where the spray and light came together. The cave floor was covered in stalagmites – spikes of varying lengths and thickness, grass or flowers growing on and around them.

Lying in a niche that was dark and out of the water was a bed of silk stretching from floor to ceiling. The creation was heavy at the centre, reinforced with thick bands of silk before they got thinner as they connected to the floor, wall and stalactites on the ceiling. Our quarry – the eggs – were at the centre of the bed, covered with so much silk that they became bigger than my head.

“The Fates favour us,” said Allycea. “The carrier mother has left her nest to hunt.”

“We should not rely on that luck for too long,” said Jaslynn, eyes scanning every crevice. “It is a fearsome foe.”

Allycea nodded. “Champion.”

I expected to jump and didn’t. My mind was disconnected to my body, which meant that though I heard and understood her, the feelings took a while to reach my body – detached was the word that found root in my mind.

Allycea continued, “You, Jaslynn and Cybill will guard our exit along with those points of entry.” She pointed at a tunnel in the ceiling, a cave that opened near the bottom covered with purple flowers, and another tunnel that I had missed. “Mage, your kind are usually slow to move, is that true for you?”

“Yes, Your Highness,” said Leonard, leaning lazily against her staff.

“Then you too will guard the exit,” she said. “The rest of us will move in, working carefully so we do not disturb the expanse of webs until we are at their centre. Ellora will act then, water has been known to remove the stickiness silk hold. Sir Norbert will call forth a Wandering Encasement and we will retrieve our quarry.”

Her words dripped with excitement and everyone else felt similarly. Norbert was the only exception and I felt a kinship to him because he became the least craziest person here. Not that it did much to keep away the bone-deep fatigue finding more purchase the more time I spent around these people.

I pulled out my gun as the others moved, playing around with my spatial sense to get insight on my surroundings. There were a lot of bugs and I filtered them out, tuning my mind to pick up bugs larger than my fist – it worked. After a bit of thought I widened the filter, not just bugs – or there’d be a repeat of the lizard incident – but everything that was bigger than a fist.

More moving forms appeared, some not in the cave but in the walls.

Allycea and her group moved with annoying grace. There wasn’t a lot of space from them to get through the stalagmites, so they jumped from spire to spire, choosing some of the thicker ones that could bear the weight of their armour.

“This is almost over, Champion,” said Leonard, the words with an easy confidence to them. “Your worries and fears will soon be over.”

“What makes you think our Champion has any fears?” Jaslynn asked, her voice low, almost purring. In the ceiling something moved, having to change direction awkwardly but all the same coming towards us.

Leonard’s smile grew brighter. “Why, my lady,” he said, “This is not the first time I have seen the expression that now lingers on our Champion. The deepest of fear, the knowledge that at any—”

My gun pointed up and Leonard flinched as it went off. The spider had only just appeared, coloured in variations of brown, legs thick and hairy, though it was flat as it clung against the rocks. It wasn’t as fast as the white spiders and the ball of fire slammed into it, killing it in a puff of flames.

“Sir Norbert was right, Champion,” said Jaslynn, tone smug. “You have keen eyes.”

I swallowed, gun-hand shaking.

Leonard’s expression was hard to read but the easiness was now gone, Jaslynn’s smugness had only doubled, as if sticking the insult in. My lessons with Odysseus told me that the interaction was supposed to be important, layered with the subtleties of politics, but I couldn’t take that in when only moments before I had almost died.

Ellora fired a wide spray of water as the group reached the web bundle, droplets beading lines and sparkling as they caught the light. Norbert, after saying a spell, called forth a tall box writ in diagrams. The warriors began their work – cutting through the silk cocoons to reveal eggs in different colours – black, bright pink, pale and navy blue or a dull orange. There were a lot of eggs and the team worked with efficiency, with Owain being the odd one out by being slow and clumsy.

“Lady Cybill,” said Leonard, disturbing our peace.

“I’m not a lady,” said Cybill.

“Certainly you must be,” he said. “You are one of Princess Allycea’s ladies-in-waiting, are you not? I would have thought you would had been given the title.”

Cybill frowned and shifted.

“Are you in need of a healer, lord mage?” Jaslynn asked.

“I beg your pardon, my lady?”

Jaslynn shrugged, looking away. “You must surely be in need of one if you are so hard of hearing. You heard Cybill’s words, no doubt had you not? Or do you think one of Her Highness’s companions a dullard unable to answer the simplest of questions?”

“The thought never crossed my mind,” said Leonard.

“Then it must be that you are hard of hearing,” Jaslynn finished. “Were I in your position I would visit a healer, and most swiftly. There are some who might take offence to such foolishness.”

“I shall endeavour to do so, my lady,” said Leonard. He smiled but it looked fake, his eyes strained around the corners. I snorted, the sound low and without humour. All of this was so petty.

Leonard’s smile disappeared as he scowled at me. “Is something amusing, Champion? Have you a joke to share?”

I didn’t answer, meditating on the life around me. Something was drawing closer and it was moving oddly, going in a straight line at a steady pace where everything else had to take convoluted paths. If I was judging its path right, then it was coming towards us.

The panic didn’t leave me, but it felt dulled, distant, detached.

My drive to survive was still there, but it wasn’t the hot flash of agitation. Everything felt far away, which meant it took twice the energy to get me moving.

I almost died, I thought and the memory surged forward was vivid, as if it was happening all over again: thin legs that were bone white, sharpened to points; mandibles that snapped open and closed, serrated edges that I knew would be able to slice through skin without effort; and around me a flurry of sounds and noise that had a cold sweat running down my back.

The same thing happened now and my throat dried, my breathing coming a little harder.

There was motion at the corner of my eye: Owain’s armour was too big and he’d stepped on a spire that couldn’t hold his weight; he fell and the sound of metal scraping against stone rang out. My hand moved seemingly on its own, gun pointing up before a bang tore through the air, hitting a stalactite – water burst into existence, taking on a helix shape that, added with the light, created rainbows.

“Jumping at shadows, Champion?” Leonard said, his voice lightly teasing.

A shuddering breath left me. I swallowed. “There was something there,” I said, my voice shaking.

“Oh?” he said with the same teasing tone.

I nodded. “Bits of dust,” I said, getting into bullshit mode. “I know that earth gems can be used to strengthen things, but I don’t think that’s the only thing they can do. Maybe some of these creatures can tunnel through the earth with ease.”

“There’s some geckos that can do that,” said Cybill. “Scavengers. They usually pop out for some eggs when they don’t need to fight.”

Is that a lie? Are you trying to make sure that this goes well for Allycea?

These people didn’t care about me. I’d known that from the beginning but there was something to being pushed to death that changed things. My plan — getting them to like me even a little — couldn’t work, that was clear now. Jaslynn had pushed me in the way of a spider, but before her Allycea had roped me up in this, and Odysseus had cared more about politics than putting effort into consoling me.

Being useful was still my only option, but…if the past months had shown me anything it was that my mental health was an important part of survival, and there was only one person who would look out for that.

I’d wanted a break and hadn’t gotten one, and I was sure the moment I got out of here Odysseus would already have a plan he wanted me to be a part of. He’d give me more stuff to do when all I wanted was time to regain some mental and emotional energy.

If I wanted out, then…then I’d have to take risks – which was its own sort of terrifying. I couldn’t help but worry that if I went against the current too hard the current then things wouldn’t work out for me.

“Jazz,” said Cybill, “rear.”

I could sense it and if I’d been paying attention maybe I wouldn’t have been as surprised. Jaslynn grabbed two discs, spun and threw in the same motion; pink light burst into existence, illuminating an arrow-headed lizard with a body as long as my arm and a tail that made it even longer. The lizard stood deathly still in the aftermath of the light, staring at us.

“Aren’t you going to spark it?” I whispered.

“It doesn’t work,” said Jaslynn, her hands with two fingers extended pointed out. Her discs were in the air, spinning in place. “They have some control over electricity in addition to the earth element. Any spark that hits them is redirected into the ground.”

“Make way,” said Leonard. Our backs touched the sides of the tunnel as he levelled his staff, pointing the water gem towards the lizard. “Bae-thrill.” A spiralling beam of water hurtled towards the lizard.

The gecko pointed its head down and dove into the wall. Fast as the lizard was, the beam still managed to catch its tail, lopping off the limb. The tail was still wriggling as it hit the ground, carving out an indent as whatever magic the lizards had persisted.

“The Champion was correct about what he saw,” said Jaslynn. “If there are two, there are likely to be more.”

More geckos were coming but my attention was fixated on the tail as it continued to part the tunnel floor. It wasn’t an earth gem but it would have utility. I needed all the advantages I could get and something like the tail would be a card up my sleeve.

But how would I get it? Was it a good idea to try when it could get me in trouble?

“How long until they’re done?” I asked, the words strangled.

“Nearly done,” said Jaslynn. “How disappointed it is that we won’t be seeing a carrier mother.”

“Speak for yourself,” I muttered darkly.

If there’s an attack, though, maybe I can grab that tail.

The thought made me stumble as I thought through what an attack might look like. Allycea and her friends hadn’t been satisfied by the battles against the alabaster lizard and the centipede, how much worse of an attack would have to follow for them to be adequately distracted?

But I needed something like, if only so I could feel like I was making tangible progress.

As terrifying as it was, an attack might be the best thing.

My ancestors must have been listening because gecko heads poked out of the ceiling – two, three, five, twenty of them all over the place. I shot and missed as the lizards rained down onto the ground, their bodies contorting so they weren’t stabbed by the spires. As a group the geckos started to make their way towards the web.

Leonard bumped me as he pushed past, levelling his staff. “Wae-laen,” he said and a wave of water gushed out, flooding the cave floor and forcing the geckos to burrow. “Hopefully this will limit their escape and entry.”

I felt something to the left and behind me. A moment later Cybill cursed. As a group we turned to see a gecko poke out; Jaslynn threw another disk and flicked her hand, it flew faster than her throw and slammed into the lizard’s head, turning it into mush. The thing slid out of the wall and slid into the ground as it fell.

In the cave, more geckos appeared closer to the web. Some scrambling towards Allycea’s group while more went directly for the eggs. I saw as the group abandoned their collection and fought. Ellora was their ranged fighter, attacking with precision to kill only the lizards without breaking the eggs; while the others attacked the geckos who acted as distractions for the egg stealers.

All of the animals here seem so smart.

“Join me, Champion,” said Jaslynn, her voice loud with excitement. She threw all four of her discs, controlling them with sweeps of her hands and the bending of her fingers; they projectiles whizzed around, bashing against the geckos and breaking bone.

I added fire but missed, causing stalactites to rain down. Some of the lizards backed away, all swimming so they were above the web bundle. A second later, stalactites started to rain down, forcing Allycea’s group to jump away from the eggs.

They’re learning.

The sound seemed to call more of the things.

There was something above me. I looked up, gun pointing. I expected geckos and saw a spider – as small as a fist, brown and fuzzy, and with lighter lines all through it; before I could shoot, the spider disappeared, appearing again to our right, scrambling along the wall into the cave.

“Carrier mother incoming!” Cybill shouted as she dashed forward, sword swinging at the little spider. She missed, the sword slicing through stone.

The spider appeared in our midst.

I spun, pointed, shot and missed as the spider shimmered out of existence, appearing on Leonard’s back, scrambling up his armour towards his neck. The mage’s spell stopped as he flailed, one arm trying to bat the spider away. I prepared to shoot at Leonard, scrambling back for distance, finger on the trigger.

The mage’s turned and his eyes went to my gun

“No!” the mage screamed and I stopped.

One of Jaslynn’s discs returned and she threw it. The spider disappeared and Leonard stumbled into a wall as the disc slammed into his back, hitting armour beneath.

I took a few more steps back into the tunnel, my body vibrating and my mind telling me to run. The look that Jaslynn shot me made me stop.

Have to be brave, I thought as a much louder part of me screamed, run, run, run.

“Eyes!” said Cybill, but I didn’t understand. Her sword blazed with a searing white light and for a moment I couldn’t see. Thankfully I had a good sense of where everyone was by the impressions in my mind.

A sigh sprung into existence in the cave, a moment before a hiss cut into the air. It wasn’t one impression that appeared but close to a hundred, all clustered together in a massive heap.

I couldn’t see what it was, but I knew: The carrier mother.

Enough of my vision returned and my stomach dropped. The spider was as large as an elephant, a faded brown in colour with limbs that settled lightly above the water-flooded cave. As big as the spider was, the biggest part was its abdomen, a writhing mass of darker shapes — smaller spiders, I realised, shivers running up and down my spine.

A shuddering breath left me, and the ‘run, run, run’ got louder.

I took another step back, gun hanging in defeat, useless because its master was too much of a coward.

“You run, you die,” Cybill said, her voice a whisper. She’d been behind me, killing the teleporting spider after she’d stunned it. Now she moved forward, going into the cave. “But do that if you want.” Louder she said, “Champion! Protect our exit!” and she joined the fray.

Jaslynn gave me a long look, but she joined the battle with the spider.

If it was a choice between you and them, they’d let you die.

But this wasn’t about them. It was about me.

The biggest fight right now was reigning in my impulses, looking past the immediate need for survival and towards the long-term. There were a lot of creatures in my range and there was a greater chance they would kill me as I got lost in these tunnels; staying here and guarding the tunnel was the smart thing to do.

“Wae-krull!” Leonard shouted and a drill-like beam of water speared towards the carrier mother; some of the small spiders started to glow with pink-purple light, wrapping her in a shimmering effect a lot like an Aurora Borealis. The beam went high, missing the giant spider.

Smaller spiders disappeared, appearing on spires and then hopping to their targets, forcing people to fight the babies instead of their mother. Others appeared on the walls and started shooting gouts of fire down at the fighters.

Different coloured eggs. Maybe different magical abilities, I thought.

Pink electricity flashed and when it faded one spider was left glowing; it spat the electricity towards Allycea, but the arc bent and hit one of the discs floating through the air.

So detached, my mind wanted nothing but to think through why that had happened, to remember the things I’d learned about electricity and how it worked. But my heart hammered and everything screamed for me to run.

I took another step back, and then another, and then another, and almost tripped because there was a hole in the ground. It was the gecko’s tail, still wriggling, though it wasn’t as vigorous as when it had first fallen.

If I run here then I’ll be killing myself. I have to go with the flow, find a solution that gets me out alive instead of just relying on my instincts.

As I looked up and saw Freda’s sword spinning through the air, only for it to be shot out of the way by white gunk.

Run, run, run.

The two drives warred and I was stuck in place, eyes on the tail while my mind focused on the impressions that moved around me, a lot of them getting into the cave. As the others fought the carrier mother, scavengers were going down to grab the now abandoned eggs.

“Waroo!” Leonard shouted. The tunnel momentarily went dark as a wall of water rose up, cutting off a sludge-like substance that had been fired at the mage by the giant spider.

All of me wanted to take another step back but I stayed rooted in place, still looking at the tail. It felt like the embodiment of forward planning, and staring at it gave that aspect of myself more weight. I bent down and picked it up, shivering again as it continued to wriggle in my hand. My clothes didn’t have any pockets but I put the tail between pants and belt, the rest tucked into my pants.

It was a step, but it wouldn’t work unless I was still in the good graces of Allycea’s family. I didn’t know what would happen to me if I didn’t impress these lords and I didn’t want to find out.

The wall of water fell and light returned. Things had changed beyond: Norbert’s swords flew with deadly precision, cutting everything in their way; Ellora was shooting thicker beams; and Allycea carried an unconscious Freda, carting her towards the tunnel.

Gotta be brave, I thought and I pushed, taking one step forward.

One step became two, then three and that became momentum.

“Bae-thrill!” Leonard intoned and a thin beam shot out of his staff, cutting through small spiders chasing after Owain — the man himself was fighting three more spiders, one of his arms stuck to his side by a white, rock-like substance. I could see a similar substance scattered around the cave, sometimes making bridges between spires that the group was using to traverse.

In front of Allycea appeared a spider, the air rippled to call her sword but the spider died, killed by me.

“Good of you to join us, Champion,” said Leonard, irritated.

I ignored him and shot, my heart almost painful in its fervent thumps. Every beat felt like it would be its last but I kept pushing, kept shooting, kept my focus on making sure that Allycea could reach us.

She did and placed Freda down.

“Protect her,” she ordered.

“Yes, Your Highness,” said Leonard.

Allycea nodded and leapt up, swords appearing at her hand as she dropped. The carrier mother pointed its mouth at her but a spark of purple electricity caught its underside. It hissed, stood and shook itself, some of its children falling and disappearing before they could hit the ground.

The princess landed on the spider’s back, amongst its children, some of which were starting to glow. Jaslynn’s discs joined her and the arcs of electricity bent to hit them instead of her. Allycea started swinging, her sword not touching the spider but cutting through them all the same; those in the edges of the effects were blown away, where they were hit by the remaining ladies or Norbert who had now chosen to dual wield his swords, using them to augment how he moved.

“Zeus!” Allycea shouted as she backflipped off the giant spider. There was a boom as all of Jaslynn’s discs went off, hitting a wide swathe of baby spiders and killing them. The giant spider only shrieked.

“Bae-thrill!” said Leonard and another beam of water in an effort to save Owain. He was at the fringes of the fighting, having trouble moving from the spires even though his armour was supposed to help, while Cybill — who didn’t have the same armour — was doing better. Leonard struck a few spiders away, giving the baron room to breathe.

There was something strange there, where the others were too focused on the giant spider instead of trying to help Owain who was having trouble. Ellora and Jaslynn had projectile weapons and it would be the easiest thing to send them near Owain, but they weren’t too focused on the giant spider.

The bangs from my gun were cacophonous, hitting some of the spiders leaping across spires to get at the others.

At a certain point, things sort of became rote. I didn’t have to think, just pointed and shot. I didn’t have to dodge and I wasn’t exhausting my body beyond an arm that was starting to cramp, but each shot, each bang from the gun, hollowed me out.

“Enough of this,” Leonard muttered, after having to keep Owain from being drowned by spiders once again. “Bael-groet!” he said, jabbing his staff forward.

Water started to form, a spinning ball that spat bits of itself in every direction, growing bigger every second until it cut off the light coming from the cave. Even then it didn’t stop growing, the sound becoming like heavy rain as water spun off it, hitting the cave walls.

Pink light shimmered around the spider as it prepared to redirect the attack.

“Bael-shruk!” he said and the ball compressed, becoming as small as a fist. “Away, all of you!” he shouted and the others listened, jumping off the spider and getting their distance wherever they could. “Throok!” He jabbed his staff forward and the ball rocketed forward.

The spider didn’t try to dodge, instead shooting white gunk at Norbert who was trying to find cover, and that was its mistake. In the blink of an eye the ball grew to its previous size, still spinning and cutting into the spider’s carapace. The attack had been directed at its abdomen and that was gone after the attack, as well as most of the babies; above and below the spider the rock was smoothed out, with thin lines from the maelstrom of water.

The carrier mother wasn’t dead, but it was close. Its movements were erratic and without direction, its mandibles clicking and a hissing-squeal echoing in the cave. All of us watched the mother in her death throes, as some of her children tried to close the distance to go to her while the rest scampered away, either getting into the cracks, or disappearing with a rippling of the air.

Relative silence finally fell, only disturbed by the sound of water as it fell from the ceiling, its tinkles filling the cave.

Slowly and tiredly, the others came into the tunnel. Ellora and Cybill stayed behind, looking through the rocks until they found what they were looking for — Freda’s sword and shield. The woman herself was still on the ground, breathing but unconscious.

“As much as I would like us to stay here and savour this moment,” said Allycea, breathing deeply between words. “Lady Freda Oakrite requires attention of healers. I ask all of you to gather what remaining strength you have for our journey back, and thank you all for a glorious battle.”

No one said yes, because even as the princess asked, it was an order.

Still tired, we trudged back.

***

Dedrick was the master of the household for my quarters. He was supposed to be my go-to for the smooth running of everything, and someone Odysseus had been pushing me to use more. I hadn’t because I’d been worried he was a spy, but after the hunt – coming back to a hot bath with salts in the water, lotions for my skin beside the tub, and the sweet smell of candles in the air – I couldn’t help but appreciate the service he could bring.

The return trip had been unexciting, with the creatures in our way easily handled. Freda had woken up along the way, muttered a few words and drifted out of it again. The others had said it was good, but there’d been a bunch of people dressed in white waiting for outside the mine entrance as we’d left – supposedly she was making her way to recovery.

Allycea had been confident enough that she was having a party tomorrow night and I wasn’t going to attend.

My mental health is important and I’m its only protector.

Odysseus wouldn’t like me after our conversation, but it would for the best.

I used the time to meditate, working on all the facets of my spatial sense.

The knock at the door did not surprise me.

“Yeah?”

“Your food is ready, my lord,” said a woman’s voice.

“Thank you,” I said and laid back, giving myself more time.

It was a while later that I left, dressed in a shirt that was too big and shorts I’d made from a jean design I hadn’t liked. The food was out and stilled by time magic. I didn’t sit and instead paced, waiting for Odysseus.

The nervous energy doubled as I sensed someone get off on my floor, walk down the hall that would lead to the entrance of my quarters and finally the door that creaked open. Odysseus smiled as he found me sitting, the smiling slipping away as he saw my shorts.

“Champion,” he said. “It is good to see you whole and hearty.” He sat and gestured for me to do the same.

I did, with a frustrated sigh.

Wrong, a part of me that sounded like Odysseus said, but I didn’t have the energy to listen to it.

“I have talked to my sister and she seems reasonably impressed by you,” he said. “Quite the compliment from her, though she does mention…you attempted to run.”

I swallowed, looking down. Feelings of embarrassment ran through me, quickly taken over by anger because why did I feel that? Running had made the most sense. I had been scared after all.

“She goes on to mention that you had a good showing following that,” Odysseus went on. “Which is good for us. Baron Owain will speak of you, not highly, but passably well when he reports to his father. Mage Leonard will do the same with the elemental mages, furthering your reputation. As shown by the Spatial Order the mages have their own plans and it would do us well to secure their allegiance through their faith in you.”

“That’s good, Your Highness,” I muttered. “Can I eat, or…?”

“Oh, yes, you may,” he said. “Though we should speak about the dinner tomorrow. As a favour I have asked that I be the one to curate the guestlist, and I will ensure that there is room for you to meet people who are young and eager. They will let you do the talking most of the time, allowing you room to grow your legend.”

I’m not going to Allycea’s dinner tomorrow, I willed, though the words didn’t come out. My attention was on my food, appetizing but my stomach too sensitive to take in food.

“Champion,” said Odysseus. “Did you hear me?”

I swallowed. “Yeah,” I said, “But I’m not going to Allycea’s dinner tomorrow.”

Odysseus frowned. “Excuse me?”

“I’m not going to the dinner tomorrow, Your Highness,” I repeated.

“Surely you understand how important this will be,” he said. “You said it yourself, you want—”

“I’m going to interrupt you,” I said, and my heart started beating with the same intensity as when I’d been fighting the bugs and lizards. Odysseus stared at me, his smile gone and his eyes unblinking. “I’m tired and I’ll gonna use the next few days to rest. Social engagements aren’t a thing I think I’ll be up to. Not for a while.”

“There is momentum to these things,” he said. “And it is best when it is capitalised upon.”

“Still,” I said. I took a long shuddering breath. “Like I said, I’m tired and I need those days off. I’m telling you I’m not going to go. You can respect that, or you can choose to force me and I’ll…” I swallowed. I hadn’t meant to leave the sentence hanging.

“Or you will do what, Champion?” he said, tone low and threatening.

A moment of silence passed between us. I used that to calm myself, meditating on the moving impressions in my head.

“Jaslynn told me something,” I said. I wished I could have been a little more intimidating but I wasn’t. My voice shook and I couldn’t look at Odysseus in the eyes. “She said that my happiness wasn’t the only thing wrapped up in all of this. Which was an hour, maybe, before she pushed me in front of a spider that would have killed me just so I could prove myself or some shit.”

I stopped as the memory came to the fore, as real as if it was happening right now.

“You don’t care about me. None of you do. You have an invested stake in all of this even if I don’t know the specifics of it. If…if you don’t care about my shit, then I don’t care about yours. So…if you force it — and you can force it because you’re more powerful than me — then I’m just going to fuck up everything.”

“If you are not useful to Father,” he said. “Well…you will not ever see your home again.”

There was subtext in the words. I kept myself from shuddering.

“If I die I won’t ever see home again either,” I said with a shrug, even though my heart was close to jumping up my throat. “And I came fucking close to dying today.”

I plated my food and then stood.

“I have yet to dismiss you,” he said, the words hard.

Just like running to get into the fight, this was about momentum. I’d started the conversation that would alienate me from them, and now it seemed a little easier to keep going.

I shrugged. “I give too little shits right now to play by those rules,” I muttered. “I’m going to eat this in bed and then sleep. In these sorts of things there’s usually spies, so if you want to keep word of me being a mess out of everyone's ears you’d better keep a lid on that.”

I walked to my room and closed the door behind me. Odysseus sat outside for a long minute before he stood and left.

There was tension in my body, not muscle tension but something deeper. I’d felt like this when Mom had died and I’d kept my hurt and sadness in a ball because boys weren’t supposed to cry. Grandma had told me otherwise, that even the oldest and hardest of men cried, and that there was nothing wrong with it.

But the world had taught me differently.

When I was sure that there wasn’t anyone around a shuddering breath left me, which broke into a sob that became a messy crying fit. It lasted for a while, the memory of almost dying wrapped around it all, which made me feel like I was there again.

I didn’t know how long I was in the moment, either on the floor or on my bed, but soon I was left a different sort of empty. The deep tension was gone and there was a bit of relief. I felt like I could think for the first since I’d left those mines.

I stood and went to a cupboard, pulled out the gecko tail and wound it around my right hand. It had stopped wriggling a while ago and I hoped that didn’t mean it would have lost its magic. I touched the floor with the tail and pushed; the ground deformed beneath my hand, the stone moving out of the way.

I’m strong enough to survive this, I told myself. No matter how. I’m gonna go back home.