Vem On A Skewer.

I’d activated my auto-scribe when I entered the main gate, but to be honest, it was kinda creepy. I just couldn’t handle the eye over my shoulder, so I just did what Napoleon said, crushed it in my hand. Oddly, it turned into sand… which didn’t make it any less unsettling. The feeling of being constantly watched was NOT on my to-do list after yesterday.

After I walked inside the gate, right after a ten to twenty-minute stroll inside, there was this giant bubble over a field. I got a bit closer before I noticed one of them getting near, seeing me. They were kind of like goats, with short stubby legs, a swirly green symbol kind of carved into them… or was it natural? It’s hard to tell, anyway. It literally floated over to me inside of the bubble, staring at me from the other side.

“Baaaaaaaaaammmmmmmmmmm”

“Oh, It’s a vem!” The words came out of my mouth before I could cover it. The vem close to the one already looking at me heard my reaction and moved in closer. A light green Kobold came out of the front of a white plank shack in the back of the property. Farmland stretched behind the house with a couple of silos and a barn to match.

“Okay girls, just what are you lookin’, aahhhhhh…….” When he cut off, he had reached the inside of the twenty feet radius, seeing me appear out of the ether, with seven hover-goats all looking at me funny. He quickly jumped and got ready to run, bracing himself for some sort of sprint.

“Shhhh, shhhhh, please don’t be loud, I’m the Paladin, I’m here to help!” I say, as quick as I can, not moving too fast as he slowly nods at me.

“Uhm, help with what Sir Paladin?” They start to raise up but then look at me funny again. “Wait a second, how do I know you’re the Paladin?”

I really hope this works as I try to will the sword back into this plane of existence. “Please?” I figured asking politely wouldn’t hurt if it was indeed intelligent. And yeah, the sword sliced open a hole between dimensions and floated to my hand. This made the kobold hop back down and bow before me.

“Oh Paladin, how may I help you in your quest?!” I walk over and raise him up, dusting him off.

“We were told the Spiral Mercenaries took over the town, they sent me to save you.” After he got back on his feet, he offered to let me inside. There was a sign above the gate to the house. ‘Cobb’s Ranch. Vem and Veggies.’

I explained that Lord-Governor Leere had sent us to assist the village. The Spiral Mercenaries had taken over, and we were here to rescue them in our carriage full of supplies for relief. The response I got was not what I was expecting.

“Oh, those guys? Nah, they showed up about two weeks ago, they’ve been a pretty big boost for the town revenue-wise, they said they were on the lookout for bandits.”

That doesn’t sound right.

An explosion in the distance loud enough to rock the house echoed through the walls. We both ran outside, seeing a large plume of smoke in the distance, around the area of the carriage. “Charlemagne, Grimalkin, NO!” I start running toward it as a man walks up in front of us, wielding a sword over three feet in length.

“Now, I gotta stop ya right there Paladin, I’ve got orders saying your little ‘Fellowship’ ends now.” The fire-eyed man cried out, his bronze hair waving in the wind as he slung his sword toward me. He was well over twenty feet away. There was no way he would hit me.

I had forgotten a very important factor; I had already been told of a whip-sword user. The blade struck against my armor, a stabbing pain as it lands in front of my heart, not piercing the armor, but the impact rattling me.

“Oh, made of stern stuff I see. Here, let me give you a look.” The Swordsman flung his blade toward a metal silo on the ranch, slicing it in half easily. The top half slid off slowly, then stopped, somehow not all the grain falling out. “This thing’s a beaut. Every mission I had it enchanted with most of my paycheck. She truly is a legendary weapon, and now, I will finally get a chance to prove it. I think the name ‘Paladin Slayer’ sounds nice, don’t you?”

Slinging it toward me again, I pulled out my weapon, spinning and blocking the blade with two of the segments crossed in front of me. A line of electricity raced up his blade. The arc stopped at the hilt, however, dispersed by some effect as the unhinged man laughed to himself.

“Now, that’s actually impressive, fine, I’ll tell you the name of your killer before you die. I am David, son of Ashborrow, greatest raider of the five seas, Slaughterer of…” He went on for another minute, but truthfully, I’m not even sure the vem cared at this point.

I jumped forward before he could retract his extended weapon, flinging my blade forward the lightning crackled around it. I turned my wrist at just the right moment and the poles wrapped around his wrist, delivering enough shock to put a cattle prod to shame.

He quickly pulled his sword back, curling it around the links and forcing the pole off of his arm. No blood had came out of him, so he shouldn’t be able to use any healing magic like Charlemagne. He just tossed the handle into his other hand and flung it toward me, the blade barely grazing my cheek. But then I saw the whip’s actual target.

“You thought you could win with elementals? Against me? You, who has been here maybe a week, while I’ve fought to survive here all my life.” At the end of his blade, where the sword met its tip, it impaled a vem. The sword is leaching the blood from its body as I saw it shrivel up, the handle now glowing red in the man’s hand. “Repair Shock!” As soon as he cast his ability some red glow from the handle shrunk, not using up all the blood. His arm glowed green, the aura overtaking it as the scorch marks and shaking left his hand.

Like hell, I would let this continue. I jumped at him, willing my partitioned pole into a bo staff. I tried poking him from long range, getting just far enough away that the sword form couldn’t hit me without extending.

He was laughing as I grazed and zapped him over and over. He would just keep repeating the same spell. Finally I backed off, jumping away. I needed to get this sword away from him somehow.

“Pain Vampire.” I whisper to myself, activating my skill and infusing my weapon with it before the spear tip pops out of one end. Made to focus and redirect the energy from the weapon, and being near indestructible, it should be a match for whatever he was packing.

I swung forward, bringing my spear down and causing a large crackling hole to appear where the soft grass before had been. “Bring it!” He jumped away, clutching his right leg as the shock wave from my attack had burned him.

I went back to trying to medium range. However, right as I got my fifth slice in, I was starting to feel it. Draining away at me, feeling the pain of my own attacks is a bit of a mind-screw. The more damage I do, the worse I feel. Still, I bet if I can get this to a point where he doesn’t notice how much damage I’ve done, he’ll just drop the blade.

After my eighth small cut plus jolt that caused my body to buck slightly, he noticed that something was definitely up. Curling his arm back and pressing the hilt to his belly, he aimed it right at me. A crashing sound comes from the tree behind where I just was. It would have been where my head had been.

“Minor healing, Repair Shock!” He announced, holding the sword in front of him, drawing power. Now’s my chance. I lunge forward, separating my weapon into three poles connected by a chain again, however, this time both ends had a blade on them. I feel much better, which isn’t a good thing. It means his injuries are cleared up, and that I suffered those attacks for nothing.

I land a good blow on his arm, forcing him back. The sword is out of blood as the handle isn’t glowing read. “Oh, it’s time for me to get serious, is it? I thought you’d be some fool newby, but you have some guts, let’s see just how many! Tallon Storm!” The blades from his sword separated. There were now three of them I had to keep track of.

No, this idiot is right, I’m in way over my head here, and as long as we’re on this farm, he can heal that arm wound if I give him a moment to get another one of those vem, or deity forbid; the farmer.

I run into the barn and he quickly follows suit, throwing the bladed whips forward, destroying the back end of the barn as I continued running. Hopefully, I would reach the middle of town. If I can find some unlucky bandit and knock him out, maybe I can transfer enough of the pain from him to get rid of this maniac with the extendo-sword.

It wasn’t easy. All of this dodging is cutting into my stamina.

Personal Exhaustion Level at 76% Rest is recommended.

Would you like to restore oxygen and nutrients through Mother Bird?

Yes, or No?

“Yes, yes, YES! A thousand times Yes!” While that man is human, this demonic sword of his never rests.

Initializing… Initializing… Initializing… Success.

Skill Gain: Second Wind.

Mother Bird storage capacity down to: 73%

Total Capacity needed to activate skill: Second Wind: 25%

I hadn’t heard him casting spells, but I saw more than one animal get impaled. He must have a supply of reagents, knowing where we’re going. “Get back here and fight me like whatever Legendary Hero you’re supposed to be. This blade is thirsty and vem just doesn’t cut it anymore!” he called. A blade shot past my face, giving me a deep cut on my cheek.

Whatever spell he’s using to patch himself up. It isn’t enough, he’s been getting sloppy because he doesn’t feel it, trying to save up the blood for when we’re away from the farms. He’s not healing himself enough. My body is screaming at me when I move, getting worse and worse.

“Stop attacking me now, turn over your weapon, and you might make it out of this alive,” I say, stopping my run as I turn around, a large water fountain behind me. The streets were deserted due to everyone hearing us fighting. Sure, reinforcements are sure to show up, but I mean, really. Where else would Themis and Napoleon be, other than in the middle of a pile of cannon fodder mowing them down?

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Emergency Congressional Session.

Month 7 Day 18 Year 427

Called by the right of Speaker Vansen.

Eighth to speak: Lord-Governor Julius Ozymandias Leere.

“I come to you all, not as Lord-Governor, but as a businessman, Fellow Merchants, do you not know the pain of labor wages? Wouldn’t you just like to pay upfront, once, and then never have to pay your employees again? Humans are expensive to employ, we all know this.”

“With this measure, Non-Humans will finally be able to have a job again. The job you deem appropriate. Goodbye, monthly wages, salaries. Say hello to bidding wars and labor abundant. Think of how many different skill-sets are down in the clay city. Think about what you could do if those skill sets were yours and not theirs. Well, you wouldn’t have to daydream about it anymore if you can just own them with their skills.”

“The church is on our side, and with no Paladin to protect any of us, even the likes of Blue City may fall if the Demon Lord is not crushed now. Do it for your children, do it for your parents, do it for your investment returns!”

The head of the committee then interceded because of the eruption of cheers from the merchant and church thirds. “I beg you all to order right this instant! Now then, continue honorable Lord-Governor.”

“Should we instead let the Demon Lord lead them all astray? Should we allow such unsalted soil to become a mire in our way? How will we conduct our business under the constant threat of a Demon Lord attack?”

“Don’t you see the trash we let accumulate outside of these jade walls? Well, I for one have always made good money selling trash as treasure, the only difference has been the way one looks at it!”

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Record of Grimalkin

Time of Activation 12:07:17:427

Entry 1

Oh boy, these things again, ECHOOOOOO!

It’s been a while since Papaw deployed me with one of these. To catch up the log, we’ve just been attacked, the carriage where we were sleeping was assaulted. Small explosions scattered around outside woke me up. Before we wound up getting hit, I lugged Charlemagne and the pile of cases off the table through the window.

“What!? What just happened, why is there fire? How did you know that was gonna happen?” I quickly stuffed the paper note Napoleon wrote about the auto-scribes into his mouth.

“First, the carriage just exploded. Second, I don’t know anything else you don’t know. Now, grab those cases, jump on my back, and shut up if you want to live.” Surprisingly, he responds well to a direct order. Before I had gotten the last word out, he was up on my shoulders, ready to go.

Eyuch, I just got this suit, still, jumping through the trees, you're bound to get some bird poop on ya. “So, uhm, I take it this is not going according to plan? So how did they find us?” he asked.

“They threw a few small explosive spells out first to find us,” I said, and he just responded with a dejected grunt, clearly rattled by the event.

“Grimalkin…. I have something to confess.” I hear a sniffle or something.

“Okay, tell me, just don’t sneeze on me!” I quickly bounce back.

“Vansen sent me here to spy on you, I don’t know how but this may be my fault, please don’t leave me here to diiiiiiie.” He’s crying, he’s crying a lot… He’s crying LOUDLY!

An explosion hit the tree in front of us, forcing me to stop and let Charlemagne get off of my back. “I will not leave you… Now, just stay safe, all right?”

I grab my upgraded arrows and bow, leaving the cases with Charlemagne.

A fire-red kobold appeared out of a burning segment of the forest. Three balls of fire spinning in his hand as he chucks another one at me, I quickly dodge and rush at him, but the closer I get, the hotter it is. I don’t think I can step within fifteen feet of this walking volcano.

“Oh, you must be Grimalkin, the Paladin’s tester-slave. There’s a price on your head, and I plan on taking it!” He flung the other two at me, one right after the other as I bounced from tree branch to tree branch avoiding them, pulling my bow off of my back and knocking an arrow.

I let it loose, flying right at the kobold as it hit a wall of flame. It sunk a good two inches into the wall, but was stopped when the wooden shaft was incinerated over a foot from my target.

“Oh, you think you can beat me? We’re the finest mercenaries in the Blue City, you aren’t going to be that lucky.” Two large spinning pillars of flame lunged at me as I ducked behind a thick tree. The fire not burning the tree so much as crushing it with destructive force.

I nocked another arrow, pulling three feathers out of my pack and a gem. This would be a lot of reagents for a single arrow, but I doubt I will have anything else make it through. “Wind Piercer, Dusklight Cold, Bitter End” All the spells crackled around the arrow, the surrounding aura an ever-changing kaleidoscope of colors. It hummed as I pulled it back. This arrow ready, aching to for release, but I needed a better angle.

Those pillars haven’t quit. Whatever fuel that Kobold is packing, he’s confident he won’t run out soon. Using the claws on my feet and with one hand I climbed the back of the tree, placing myself on a high branch I aimed down at the short pyromancer. Right as I pull back, aim adjusted, he just has to look up. I lose my arrow and……. It misses, shooting right through the Kobold’s barrier but not hitting his body.

I check my pouch; there are only enough reagents in there to give me two more shots with all of those spells on the arrow. A lot of good this Dread Metal will do if I can’t get it in contact with my enemy!

I dodge from tree to tree, looking back and see Charlemagne on the ground, running after me, trying to keep up. The pyromancer, however, was riding a giant bird made of fire he’d manifested himself, it was shaving off the tops of whatever trees it touched.

Charging forward, I hear an odd “SCREEEEEEE!” from behind me, the sound feeling like it was getting further away. I quickly look back to see Charlemagne, pushed up against a tree, crying his eyes out.

NO! I will not let you take him from me, not you, not Vansen, not ANYONE! I pull out a vial of purple liquid, crushing it in my hand; the glass cuts open my fingers, mixing with my blood. “Dawn’s Blight.”

Fire runs through my veins, my skin is thunder. I leap as quickly as I can, slamming into that heat barrier with my bow I send the Pyromancer flying as it connects squarely with his snout. He goes flying a good thirty feet across the forest floor, a fire burning up the forest behind him.

I collapse on top of Charlemagne, gasping. “What did you do, you foolish kitten? Was that an army drug?! Where did you even get that?” he asks me, I’m in no place for this twenty questions routine.

I put my hand over his, trying to lift myself up, I do so very shakily, “So many questions doc, It’s just an old family heirloom.”

My muscles feel like they’re falling off of my bone like a well-cooked roast. There’s no way I’m able to keep this up, I hope that pyromancer is down for the count. Charlemagne grabbed his bag. “Fine, just tell me what it costs from you so I can fix you up.”

Always thinking about others… I still remember when I would see you in the academy. Sucking up to those bullies, bringing them whatever they wanted. Charlemagne might not know it yet, but those bullies are the exact thing that puts us on the same side.

Oh wow, my mind is kinda nuts right now. Hey look, there’s a magic frog. “Hiiiiiii froggy!” I say in an airy, echo-y voice.

The frog then spoke to me. It had a very hairy piece of gum in its mouth. “Hold still or this incantation won’t be able to find all of those little tears you gave yourself all throughout your body.”

That’s a silly frog! But I felt kinda better….. “Hey, wait a minute, what happened?”

Charlemagne laughed, patting me on the head, “Shut up if you wanna live.”

So there I lay, my mind wondering about the infinite complexities of the universe. While an adorable frog tried to save my life… Just your average day in the woods.

After around ten minutes we heard rustling in the distance where I had thrown the kobold, most of the wildfire has calmed down by now, the trees and grass were still pretty wet from the rainy season. By the time I noticed, my mind was working again as a fireball had sailed over my right shoulder. Slamming into Charlemagne, causing him to grab his right arm in pain, burns and small patches of fire up and down it.

After they put it out, I looked over to see that Kobold I thought I had knocked out. Apparently he doesn’t enjoy staying down “Charlemagne, stay here… take care of yourself, I have something I need to do.”

I looked down at the case with the finger holes. I’d designed it when I was 14, told Hephy I was making my very own ‘Forbidden Weapon’. Pulling the strings out, the case opened; six small puppets were all inside. All forged after the mighty heroes of the ‘Army of the Five People’. Colored black and purple by what might as well be the very flesh of their greatest foe.

Testing it out I pull out the Puppet designed after Erinth, a small two-foot centaur dual-wielding spears with large cleavers on the end. “Oh wow, you think you can beat me with toys?” the kobold gleefully interjected.

Controlling the puppet with strings placed on the ends of the fingers on my right hand. I commanded Mountain-Crasher Erinth to take the battlefield once more. Once I felt the ease; I put my left hand into controlling Varn, the human sword-master. While not height accurate, the Varn was slightly smaller. I’d guess it’s hard packing away an eight-foot-tall Centaur.

A giant ball of fire hurdled toward the pair, charging at their enemy. Erinth crossed his mighty spears above his head, bringing them down, cleaving the blast of plasma in half. “That won’t work on legendary heroes,” I respond; heart racing, I’m getting into it as I hear Charlemagne yell from the distance.

“Protect Effigies!” I look back to see him healing up his arm. It looked a lot better, but he is sweating more, he may near his limit. Dawn’s Blight does not just inflict ‘minor damage’.

When my eyes dart back around to my puppets, my hands controlling them through mostly raw muscle memory. The Pyromancer, upon hearing the support spell from Charlemagne, unleashed another torrent of fireballs his way. I commanded the glowing duo to intercept.

“Come-on, come-on!” The controls feel heavier, I can’t see them behind so much fire, but I can feel their movements. It’s like they put on several pounds.

Slicing their way through a fireball toward me was Mountain-Crasher Erinth, eleven feet tall with Varn and Charlemagne riding on its back. I flicked my wrist, Erinth picking me up as he galloped by, leaving the pyromancer in the dust.

I hug tightly to the back of the Mountain crasher, nimbly moving my fingers to keep his movement constant as I look back at Charlemagne behind me; gripping onto my torso with the strength of a newborn child.

As I look back from riding on my legendary puppet, I see a large tornado of fire; chasing us toward the center of town.