The weather will be abysmal this week from Lands End to John O’Groats.

In a bid to improve the moral of the shadow world, all of which are thoroughly tired of the bright sunshine and dry days, the weather brigade have pulled out all the stops.

On Monday it will be raining cats and frogs across the Shetland Isles. Then on Tuesday the Isle of Lewis will be swathed in six feet of snow and Edinburgh will be provided with a murder of crows, the number will be of Armageddon proportions.

A cold chill will wend its way south on Wednesday via the Pennines and flood over the far southern counties. At the same time there will be a smattering of level one to three tornados to ravage the fenlands or Norfolk and on Thursday a plague of flying queen ants will descend on Suffolk.

On Friday Dark Lake in Northern Wales will be graced with thick fog all day and heavy hail at night to keep the local occupants awake.

In fact, a large part of the west country will be immersed in thick cloying fog all week. The zombies of Brecon are pleased as this event co-insides with their centenary celebrations, allowing them more daytime mobility than usual.

There will of course be the usual localised weather events as well.

Allthornan village will have a cloud hanging over it all week interspersed with heavy rain.

Mrs Goody Twoshoes of Llandudno will be haunted by sea mist and drowned sailors.

Farmer Jones of Lampeter will be receiving violent thunderstorm all week along with a visit from the Mari Lwyd for disturbing the spell stone on his property.

Witch Discordia has bargained for a gale force wind along the Dover coast. Rumour says that she is trying to keep her ex husband in France for an extra night. Many would like to know why.

In a climatic turn around Knot Witch of Nantwich, (centuries of mis pronunciation of her name have led to a miss identification of her home territory) has ordered more sunshine, working on the principle of too much of a good thing.

Working on a similar tactic the witch of Lands End has ordered very hot and humid weather to make the infestation of holiday makers miserable. Her justifiable complaint is that she has access to all those stone circles and she can’t get one to herself because of all the tourists.

On an international note its rumoured that the USA is delaying the tornado season until everyone has reason to hope that it is all over and then slamming the territory with all of the twisters one after the other.

On an even more global scale it is disappointing to hear that it seems that global warming is looking less likely each day.

Lastly Warlock Willls in Southampton, a great cat hater, has asked for it to rain dogs only.

By-line, Quothe, the raven