It is a sad fact, that some members of our society have mental conditions, and we have to applaud the well-paid folk that tolerate the goodly insane.

Take the case of Arthur Belchamp, born to the upper Belchamps, whose family we have paid well for this report. It is a shameful fact that Arthur adores stuffed ‘cuddly’ toys.

On entering his cell, you are assaulted with floor to ceiling shelves, weighed down with the multi-coloured things, their faces so often cute that their staring eyes do nothing to stir the blood.

On many occasions, Doctor Caesar Brutus has tried unsuccessfully to ease Arthur away from the soft toothless ‘toys’.

He has tried providing stuffed animals with the correct anatomy, but Arthur complained that they are not soft enough to hug, and he almost bled to death, when he reluctantly tried to hug a stuffed bear, and nicked an artery on a fang.

This has led to a fear of fangs, and Arthur doesn’t like creatures with fangs as much as he did, no doubt exacerbated by Doctor Brutus’ second attempt to re-habilitate him, by giving Arthur real animals as pets.

The first was a snake that promptly bit Arthur. The second was a young live grizzly bear. This tried to hug Arthur and flattened him. He was almost suffocated under the weight, and received scratch marks from the claws.

Giving up on bears, Dr Brutus took a hint from a pink dragon in Arthurs collection and went to a warlock, who provided a miniaturized dragon. The dragon was not amused at being shrunk, nor at being cooped up in a cell. The bedding was burnt and Arthur and his clothes were scorched. The dragon was re-sized and released.

Dr Brutus has even tried providing a variety of other animals. Arthur doesn’t like foxes, dogs or wolves, and Dr Brutus stepped on the hedgehog and needed treatment himself.

Arthur didn’t like feeding dead animals to the owl, and there were aggression issues with the lions, leopards and tigers.

Koalas were too much trouble to feed, as was the horse.

A cow was tried, but its milk curdled in the dark environs of the sanatorium and stank the place out. Elephants, hippos and rhinos were too bulky and the giraffe too tall.

With gritted teeth Dr Brutus tried a slightly cute sheep but its constant baaing kept everyone up at night. A rabbit was just too cute to be considered a suitable subject for re-habilitation material, and a unicorn, well, it goes without saying what was wrong with that.

Eventually a fluffy gremlin from Arthurs collection was animated as it represented some hope, being based on a dark creature in name at least, and Arthur was so happy with it, he hugged and fed it. Living up to its persona it was not surprising when it turned evil, and the sanitorium had to re-capture half the inmates, including Arthur, who was found grinning with delight, and smelling the roses in a nearby park. He’s asked for another cute gremlin, but the sanitorium has unfortunately banned them.

By Quothe, the raven.