"Knowledge of what is possible is the beginning of happiness." SANTANAYA, George

♫David Sylvian - Let The Happiness In♫

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Lenneth... she's gone.

She said she would come back soon. What is soon? Is it sooner than I can think? I can't believe, I just can't that she left me here, on my own. It's too dark from outside the window, as dark as it is inside there. The only lightning I am able to see frightens me. Besides the clouds, many houses from the neighborhood had been lit by the candles. I wish I could lit some, but I am a kid, and that's all. I am not tall enough, not responsible enough, not mature enough; this green I wear is the same one belonging by those green apples, but apples aren't even fruits, so, I am green like a tomato, and the adults are the eggplants... boy, I'm so hungry that I'm thinking about food. Mine and her bedroom's are empty, unlike the kitchen, resting on that I walk downstairs, without ever tumbling with my feet on the staircase. I had been walking there so many times, with or without a hand or a lap to guide me, wherever it pleased me, and my stomach. If it wasn't for these windows, I would be in complete darkness, me and my soul. Do kids have a soul? I guess they do. Don't know how it is like, as much as I don't know if Lenneth will be back on my concept of 'sooner'.

The rain is splashing towards the window. I can see it's curves, and their shadows moving down into me. Who else other than those arms to be down to grab me? At least, unlike the front door, the cabinets aren't closed, and those fruits above the table aren't that rotten yet. The bread I took with these claws began to crumble even before my teeth had gotten to bit a small piece of it. It tastes like broken glass, althought my tongue didn't had gotten cut. There is a pretty red apple, stripped by some yellow, in my hands, a bit mushy on it's sides, and a bit had gotten inside my mouth... SPIT! Yuck! It's rotten from inside. The cheese is rotten as well, my favourite kind, but it tastes... like someone's feet mycosis! Oh, what the hell am I doing!? Lenneth wouldn't even be that late, only if she had been on her duty, but she can't, because of my brother. Soon he'll be there, or maybe he's already there. Sniff Sniff... at least, my nose ain't that much clogged up. Thanks, Lenneth...

Maybe she went to some relative's house, but without bringing me? And what if I stumble across a legionary ant's raid on this darkness? What would I be after they crawl onto me? What if she's on danger? As dark as these roads are, maybe. And if she ain't even here, but on the big city, and those big buildings? No, no more 'ifs', Jack. There is only a truth, and you'd better find it out. Geez, I don't know where to start. Maybe I could call some of my friends, but their mothers wouldn't let them in on such hour, and they may be falling asleep by now. I walk upstairs to check the clock... XX-VI. Time for sleep, but how could I sleep without a lullaby told by her? My bed is already made, but my worries aren't finished yet. They seem to overcome me, like spiders crawling up to my belly. There is a portrait hanging there, on the corridor. It's Lenneth, but she ain't here just like that painting, althought her colors are there, but anyone shares of those tones of green. I can't look at her, as much as I can't say it, damnit...

I can't even get out of this house without a key. I'd better check her bedroom once again, because there may be a duplicate inside those boxes, those closets... nothing else, but clothes, and others things that I'm not interested into. I open that creepy wardrobe, creep because of it's sound, a crackling coming from that wood that no single door there seems to share of same sound, besides the basement one, but never that I'll get there. Lenneth wouldn't even be there as well, not even in daylight. Daddy would be there to find some tools of replacement, and only. As this wardrobe is fully open, I can see barely, if it wasn't for the red, that Dragoon outfit, together with some other clotheswhom Lenneth wears as well. They all look the same, except that red coat. She didn't took it from there, althought that rag doll is gone as well, and there is not a single key so I can get out of this place, damn. Well, why they had built these windows, you still wonder why, Jack? The window... my head surely fits there, as much as my body does. Well, that's your chance, and look, there's a tree too. You sure are that lucky, Jack.

Hnng! I wish I could jump like a Dragoon Knight. I wish I could jump like Lenneth... Hnngaah! Aah! Get out, Jack! Get out! Get out! Get out!... Whew, I've made it. I once saw a lightning bolt hitting a tree's trunk, and that willow never grew up again. Instead of sliding to the grass, I've climbed up that tree as fast as I could, until so I've reached the roof of my house. I can see the lights coming from the Kingdom; they are some sort of stars for me. Daddy sure is seeing some stars outside there, and I hope he isn't near them already. Hi there, Bahamut. Had you seem my mom and my brother? I guess you did, but you can't tell me exactly where she is. I know I had been a troublesome child, but that's my nature. Soon I'll grow up, I'm already doing it so by the time I think about Lenneth, my mom... I'll find her, I'm sure of that. My brother as well. I'll take care of his too, even if he bit my tail. I had bitten more than tails when I was little. They tasted like any other meat, but who cares, there is a plenty of time to think about it later.

I slide from the ceiling of my house to be back at the road. I recall I already did it above Dan's house, of course that fat butt won the game so many times, as much as we both won injuries, not because we fell from that high, but because we couldn't decide which one fell first. Dan and I had been fighting against each other on so many times, by so many sorts of silliness that we even forgotten why, but now that I think he would be a sort of help, he felt asleep, or his mother told it so for his. He doesn't seem that much interested on me because of that Learie he met on these days. She is one of those girls whose mother is to be afraid of, but a kind girl, unlike the others who just seemed to piss us off. Stop whining already! I would have said, if Dan wasn't there to shut me up. How gentle was he to tell me it in words, instead of a kick in any place who pleased his... A woman seems to change the entire perception of a man even on such age, or maybe it's because Learie was willing to kiss that cheek that Dan did nothing for me, nothing to ruin his image.

Either way, who wouldn't do the same? But I'm not here, walking on these streets, awaiting for Lenneth to give me more than a kiss. And I guess I won't change that all just for saying a word to her, althought I've already changed so much, that I don't even know who am I. Jack is my name, everyone who knows me reminds me of such, same for this age, where they begin to treat me as a child more than I was before. The rain keeps pouring down, same for the times I heard my name to be spoken, uttered, mentioned by them, people taller than me, kids shorter than my height. I forgot to wear that hat, so my hair is getting soaked, same used to happen so many times I used to take a bath, no, those hands were take to give me some bath, as much as other hands were there to pull me at a pile of mud. Or a water puddle, same one I've stepped only to see it's ripples made by me, and the rain as well. I can see those curves, and what seems to be me... I am all over the place, restless, unquiet, shaking, trembling, soaked, cornered, and alone. Just me, on this puddle, and other people walking away from me, this puddle.

This place is surrounded by buildings taller than my own house. There is also a lot of lights and strangers there, and I won't talk with them, even thought I might need of some help to find her. Well, wasn't Fratley a stranger like these people? A stranger, but a kid as I do. As long as this ribbon is with me, I share of some identity between these rats. Yet, I don't even know if I am a Brandford, or a Crescent, just a Jack, althought this ribbons tell me so and anyone else that I am a Crescent. Half of mother, and half of daddy as well. I'm sure that he misses her more than I do, because of the distances between both, but at least, daddy knows that Lenneth is still there, awaiting for his inside this Kingdom. I hope she is still there as well. I may ask someone if they saw her, but who? Well, Lenneth was a Dragoon Knight, so maybe I could ask one of them if they saw her. Maybe they didn't, since that day mom had gotten ill, or so they thought she was ill, I also thought the same, but I didn't bothered, I only felt envy because of my brother, but now I'm glad that he made an appearance instead of a disease, like a liver full of water, or a elephant's leg, I don't want to be thinking about the worse anymore. There is still a small amount of hope in any darkened heart.

— Hi, Mister – I said, as soon as I came over a person wearing of a blue coat. I knew it was a Dragoon Knight, because that coat was so familiar, same for that person. Familiar to Lenneth, not me, althought I may had saw his once. He could had been my father, if it wasn't for his skin. I don't seem to share of any trace belonging to his, but that coat... I pulled slightly that coat of his, and from that instant, besides my voice, he knew I was a child, not just a wanderer, so he was willing to help me on any way he could.

— Well, if it isn't Jack... – he grated me, same I did with my hand. His palm seemed cold, but at least, I knew him, and so he did knew me as well. I guess he's one of mother's many friends she made when she was a Dragoon Knight on duty. Same friends she made on the time she made a child as well... I don't seem to feel any grief towards his, or any other Knight, but I feel as if an opportunity to tell it so to her fell from my hands so many times, like a leaf of cabbaged covered by butter that I didn't ate – by the way, what are you doing here on your own, Jack?

— I don't know – ...as much as I don't know why mother left me on my own – have you seen Lenneth somewhere? – I asked, for the only person I could trust here, on this street. I know there's an answer, and there are many people who speak of answers, but they might sound differently than others. Some have the intentions of helping anyone they can, like the Dragoon Knights, while others just want to help themselves. I want to know where is Lenneth not only because of myself, but because of daddy, and I may feel a bit lonely, so does Lenneth, wherever she may be. Well, if she is lonely, she ain't anywhere I knew she would be. Even when people met each other, they are still that lonely, not on blood, but something more than a warm cuddle.

— Lenneth? Well, I saw her, not a long ago. She said she was going back to home...

— Home? She wasn't there, Mister... – I know Lenneth wouldn't lie to me, or a friend related to her as well. I thought once that she lied, but those were excuses of mine and my stomach. Home... the house I've live only had been built because I was born, or meant to be. I wonder if daddy only stood with mother only because of me. He would do anything for me, before I grew up to do anything for my sake. Now I'm doing something for the sake of another. Only a word, you said. I'll be ready when I'll get there, somewhere, home... well, unless mom had gotten to her home, where she was born, instead of my own home, where I was born, so that's it. I may know where it is, if it's still there – hey! Could you help me find her, uh... whatever is your name, I'm sorry, but I am trying to find Lenneth, and you do know where she had been gone, so would you lead me more than your hand, please?

I don't know how grateful I am, since that man agreed to be on my side. His name is Ezekiel, but whatever; he may know where she is. Sure, I had been doing everything until now on my own, and to where I am going, no more that I'll be on my own. And with that spear on his hand, I feel a bit better. I used to not feel the same thing others felt when mom holded of that spear instead of me... I guess I'm beginning to understand; I'm just a child, but what I do feel ain't only restricted to this age. Just a word, right? Would it really change something? I've already changed, unlike this cloth, but still I remain as a Jack. These must be some growing pains, not only I do felt them in the arms and the legs, but inside of me as well. There is something that keeps poking, I can't describe it clearly, but something is happening to my heart. Is is pleasant, is it angsty; the only thing that it's clear is that it's longing. It's a same kind of feeling felt when I am near the end of my trajectory, althought I am not dead yet. I knew I wasn't, since I've began to cry and cry for those flaccid ears...

Huff. So hard it is to answer the future and it's riddles, when the ahead seems so far behind. I want to turn my head to make the pain go somewhere else, other than the bones of my legs. This aching in the chest didn't stopped, but increased, same for this head, who turned around, for the eyes to see nothing that I have expected to see a long ago. Even if I turn around with the hopes to spot her, that'll be only my imagination, or a mirage, though deserts are dry, unlike this land of sorrow. The trees along the way and the wooden pieces of that cage by the name of crib shares of same creatures, and I was one of them. Still I am a sort of a filth rat, but without the blood, the feces, and the cries, still I am just a child, torn between the light and the dark. Which one should remain and which should be gone? Neither of them. Huff... I wish that I could have brought my hat, but I do know how to shake away those drips of water from my body. They won't dissapear, but instead they will be all over the place, instead of me.

That Dragoon Knight is still following me and this trail. The once green grass who stood in the ground is turning brown as we reach near the, well... there it is, the Burmecian graveyard. Many of my relatives are there, nobody that I knew, besides grandma. Lenneth's mother; she was so old that the fact she was old is the only thing I had ever knew about her. Well, she holded me, not for that far long, same for Lenneth, and yet I can't remember such thing, but I know this happened, somehow. It always happen with anyone else, so why it wouldn't happen with me? There are many tombstones, as much as there are small holes dug there as well. Not only the old die but the children as well. It happens with everybody. I can see Schweighofer's grave from this side of the gates. He was once a piano maker, nobody knew him, until he died, as they built up that statue of his. A beautiful, sorry, handsome statue of a piano maker he was, or not, because nobody knew him, and I don't see people playing their pianos around this city, this if those bells and their sounds can be considered instruments. Those from Cleyra brought us the Rah-ga, I don't know how to pronounce it clearly, but only a few times I had ever heard them being played. I guess it's because I live so far away from the main city in a beatiful place out in the country...

My i-ron ta-il... my bre-ad-cr-ub tr-ail... la la laaaa, la la laa laa laaaa... What an annoying song, though it ain't as I am the only one singing it. Mother used to sing me it for me to sleep, but now that I can sleep on my own, and I have already decorated every single sentence, sometimes I hum some words on a same rhythm, there is no more reason for her to tell those stories who used to either frighten me or to comfort me. How can I still remember such thing while I forget many others? I don't know, but what I do know is that I will forget everything as soon as I die, yet others won't forget me. Now I don't seem to wonder so much about why Lenneth's home is so near the cemetery, yet so far away from there. My legs are tired, as much as my eyes are. But I cannot stop already, it didn't even began to hurt. Only for this stomach, still hungry of something other than my own spit. I could open my mouth to drink the water falling from the skies, but I guess this won't be necessary since I've spotted that someone wearing that same green dress...

— Lenneth! – I shouted. I guess I did, or was it something that I only heard inside my head? The aching on my chest didn't found any relief, not even when I found her. She didn't looked at me, but I know she heard me, as soon as Lenneth acknowledged of my presence near her, and my brother as well. Instead of looking at me, she gazed into a mud hole, near what seems to be an abandoned house, This place doesn't seem to be in rent, or in a good state, wrapped by a lot of kudzus vines around those walls. That Knight didn't even approached, but he just stood there, some meters away from us, as if he couldn't be here, and I didn't knew why. But at least, he was near of us, in case something came out of that house, althought I don't believe in ghosts, but Lenneth look as pale as one, if I could describe what her face looked like, besides crestfallen.

— Lenneth... come on, let's go home – I said, for real, as I holded of her hand. Cold hand, and a cold look as well. This place is awful to look at, and maybe that's why mom decided to look at that same mud for that long. It's the only consistent thing in there, and she only gave a look to me because I interrupted her from that contemplative sight towards the ground to something stepping over it. I got my feet soaked of that same mud, as much as Lenneth got those eyes soaked, for some reason I don't know, or cared that much about.

— Jack – she said my name. At least, she said something. Mother looked at me and said something – did you came here on your own? – that's what I expected her to ask me. Of course, I already know what to say to her, and this ain't a lie.

— No, Lenneth... – I said, as I pointed with my finger to that Ezekiel there, on her back, unlike me, and that pile of mud. I presume this place was once a garden, seeing how the grass grows on it's sides, where a rectangle-shaped area resides in the middle, near the walls of those ruins by the name of 'home'.

— I see – she said, as she pulled me out of her way, as soon as I found myself once again at her back. My brother is the only being in front of her, and what was once a garden. The soil is still fertile, althought this odd place ain't only a garden, given the look of that face, unlike the one belonging to mine. Not only the flowers who once stood there withered away; not even tears are enough to make them grow. This is the graveyard of someone, another one I don't even know who it is, or maybe I knew him for so long ago. Lenneth is holding that doll so close of her, as much as she close of that soil, carefully not stepping over it. She isn't even able to walk without feeling that pain, yet I have found her on this place, so far from my home. The pain on those legs is nothing alike mine. I can only say a word, but Lenneth is speechless by result. I don't know how, or when should I say it, but Lenneth can't say anything, shaken like that.

Well, Lenneth said something to me. I was there, same for my brother, who also heard everything that she told to his in thoughts. Mom spoke to his about that house, where she used to live, but we are all condemned to be free, so she said. Free of what? I didn't understood it clearly, because I am her chain. I was once free of thinking about these things, but not free of my stomach, or free of the crib, free of the bath... Some things are meant to kept you locked, while others are meant to free you from something, but they all seem to make you a prisoner. Same goes for the routine, who gets boring because everything is the same. Boring for some, annoying as well; I was both. Bored I was, I kept annoying those around me by throwing screams before I learned to speak, shouts before I learned to speak gently, kisses before I conquer someone with a gentle speech. I still haven't done that kind of speech for another, like Dan did with Learie, but someday I may be able to do it. Now, what you are meant to do is to conquer mother's trust only so this aching ends? So easily this sounded, and how hard it is to accomplish...

There are some things that may sound easy to do, and others that are easily to be done. Everything is easy, until you grow up. Then the dusk starts to sadden you, because the gray morning already had been put on rest. The scratches made on that back were nothing, because they soon would heal. Lenneth is currently looking at one of the main reasons why she became a Dragoon Knight. After all the complains I have done, and that thing just didn't even had the time to do it so, or to be holded as that doll by same name... Karellen. He, she was meant to be my uncle, or my aunt. Just a body, without any soul, unlike me. We are kind of even. I'd want this place to be torn down, just so Lenneth could forget it. But, that would be wrong, althought right for a moment. What is a moment, compared to a lifetime? Karellen only had a month to live, as much as my brother, who shares of more life than he had.

— Mom... – I said. What was I supposed to say other than that word? I would have said it anyway, tomorrow or yesterday, when I attempted to say it, only for myself. Without that sight, but with those ears up, I'm sure that Lenneth heard it, besides the sound of the rain pouring in the ground, makind those ripples flow beneath the muddy waters. At least, I said something,I tried to say, I was willing to say, expected, awaited, and finally I said it to someone else, other than me.

Mom... this aching didn't stopped yet, and it will never disappear. It'll only diminish, as I grow up. Soon it'll become another of those daily words, but the first effect will still remain the same, only for a moment, and later for an entire life. Words may become fray as they are used, everything wears out over time. It's natural for living creatures to fight to protect their own lives, and the place deemed to be their own. We, as well, do the same, but what makes us more than any ordinary creature is that we fight for others. We live for the another. Some may do things for themselves, and I may question if they do have a mother? Any animal does have one, until they are abandoned to live on their own. But before this happens, I learn from her experiences, the ones belonging to daddy as well, until so I can life on my own. Of course, I may visit my parents once in a time I've chosen to do it so, with them alive and still alive within me. I wished that I could feel of this same warmth coming from that arm for a little longer, my bed and those blankets also share of a warmth, but beds can be made, and remade, unmade as well, but they also don't last for too long, same for the nights of sleep before the morning comes.

— Jack – I heard mom, before she left a yawn. Speaking of sleep, I'm so tired. Lenneth as well, and that Dragoon Knight too. It's so dark there, my pants are getting soaked, same for my hair... What if daddy can't return? Well, I'll be there for you, Lenneth. If I may be gone as well, at least, my brother may be there for you as well. Those thoughts seem to dismay most of me, as much as they clear me like those hands do when I am taking a bath. Not only they clean my body, but something else, maybe it's my soul, or my mind, I don't know. I'm still filled in by dirt, as much as I feel clean, the cleaniest I had ever been – I can't turn my back... – Lenneth took some time to say it, while she was searching for something to be taken out of a pocket. She have found some tiny brown seeds, bean seeds. For some reason, I knew what I had to do, as much as Lenneth knew what I've felt.

The bonds that used to connect us may had been severed, but they all seem to tie again, and again. There are some things I know and some that I don't, while I try my best to know the reason about them. Magic, some would say. There are cherry trees that grow up, higher as they can, to sprout of their flowers and its blossoms to anyone else to contemplate, and there are other Cherries, hanging on at the tip of those spears, Blossoms that also wither away, same for those near it's range as well. You can pour salt in the land to make it become sterile, nothing will grow in there, but if you pour same salt on the sea it once belonged, it'll disappear from the sight, as the sea remains. I never saw the sea, but only it's salt, and I don't even know which color is the sea, but these clouds are our sea, and this soil I am stepping above is also a kind of sea, a grave for the sunken ones. The rain never drowned those who live there, because there are plants that demand of same water. Some people seem to borrow many beans on the gardens around this place, any place I go. They work as some sort of lucky clovers making many plants grow on grounds with decay.

I dirtied those hands with mud again. This entire land is a land of decay. That's why there are people like mother who are here to protect me, until I can do it on my own. I'm so confused that my head hurts and it is aching besides this heart, or whatever it may be found inside this chest. Inside that one, here lies my brother, and inside mine, only me. I used to be there too, before I sprouted into this. And this time, no one pulled me into this mess, with both hands. I was pulled there because I'm doing a favour for Lenneth; she already had been doing too much for me, and my brother as well. Finished with these small holes dug by these tiny claws, that other Knight came to mother's aid. Barely she could be walking, and it's still impressive for me that Lenneth had gotten there without any complains, besides the one coming from her back. After I let the rain wash these hands, as much as I've already let it wash me as a whole, I hold of her hand as well, and I was supposed to do it so, or more than that. No matter how great or how low are given the expectations before and after, at least, I've done something meant to be done. Something that makes me happy, and so do others. Mother may not had shared of a smile since then, but happiness isn't only restricted by the looks of those faces, althought it begins there. Seeing the look of that face, I tried what I could to make a smile appear there. it ain't that easy as it is to carve some drawings in the wood trunks; nothing is that easy, but everything is possible, althought not only by my own hands.

Midnight is where the day begins... Now I am beginning to understand it.

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