♫Swans - Can't Find My Way Home♫

Same July, Same Day

Another Hour...

...

Okay, I guess I should stop hitting the door.

Those don't seem to be knocks, althought they do sound alike. Either way, Lennie might be mad by now, seeing how long it took to hear those steps. Maybe she was sleeping, or taking a bath, or both. If I could reach that knob up there... Why this house needed to be so big, on first place? Not even daddy, or Lennie, are that tall. Though, Lennie sure is tall, like mother. Oh... I know, I know. Stop aching, please. There's time for anything, but now I need to open the door. Maybe I could await for Lennie to come open it for me, but I had been awaiting for this for too long. Yes... the time I shall open the door by myself. Althought, I may need some help. Not Lennie's, but someone else. Maybe if Dan lifted me up, or Fratley?... Well, for some reason, Fratley just followed me to my house. I didn't even noticed his, unlike how he do notice me, with those eyes, even behind that hair of his.

Maybe he was bored of being left on his own, so he just followed me, the one who became the nearest to his, since the moment we bumped on each other. Well, we didn't meet each other this way, but it sounded alike how things went, even if they might sound different to anyone else, like Fratley himself. I had a reason to left him on his own, since I thought he wasn't alone, because he had been enjoying catching some butterflies, to later release them, but not before he watched them keenly.

Others, mainly adults, would kill these kinds of butterflies, or any other insect, so they can look to them for an eternity, but Fratley's eyes aren't just a pair of green glasses, a color unlike the glass where the corpses of many butterflies are kept against their will. A fish and their eggs also goes deep into my throat against their will, and I am feeded of watercress and bell peppers by Lennie against my will as well. Though, I am beginning to like the taste of oats, or maybe its the milk that comes with them as well.

Hngg!... Her will is above me, as much as this door seems to be above me. Hng! Hnng! Ahn!... Damn, I jump, and yet, I can't reach that knob... Pant... Pant... Whew. I wish I could jump, like a Dragoon Knight does, like mother used to jump, like Lennie used to jump. What a pain. I am bouncing, rather than delivering straight jumps. I guess I should ask Fratley to lift me up, or maybe I could lift him, because that sounds easier than the first option. No, both are equally hard enough, 'cause it's hard to convince someone to do things for you, without going unrewarded. I don't think Fratley has any kind of attraction towards rewards, other than being satisfied after any kind of conversation. The same couldn't be said of his stomach, who needed of another kind of food, other than words to be eaten.

— Hey, Fratley – I said, as I turned my back to the door. I just said the name of his, since he was the only one nearby, and also the one who I had been looking at. I had no idea of what should I be talking about with him. With Dan, it's another story, since he share of a bunch of stories, but without Dan, or father, my conversations seem meaningless. So, I take a glare to that face, some would say its cute, but in that way, I would be cute too, and then, I noticed that something was gone, the same couldn't be said for that sparkle in his eyes, or whatever was that coming up from between the black and green half of those. Maybe it was me, but I couldn't see clearly, with those flaxen strands above them – do you know whatever happened to your lucky clover? You know, the one you wore on the back of this ear?

— My lucky clover? – Fratley said, as I came up with that sort of question. He was surprised, if I may say, and who wouldn't? I guess nobody else asked to him about that clover, or ever noticed such at the back of his ear. Well, except me. I'm akin to details, or so the devil belongs to them. Anyway, that 'lucky clover' of his was gone, since it once stood at the back of one ear, same one who listened to me, belonging to the kid who always seemed to listen to me. And answer me too, since he was not a baby anymore – Oh, I know. Sorry, but I lost it.

— Oh, that's okay. I do not mind, you see. I just asked, because... well, you had been carrying on that clover at the back of your ear last day, don't you remember?

— Yeah, that's right. Maybe the clover fell somewhere else... – Fratley said, crestfallen to his pockets, as if there was a clover hid in one of them. Unfortunately, for his, there was nothing in there, not even dirt. This may be as meaningless as the talk I had , but since Lennie may be changing her clothes by now, what else should I do, other than await for that arm to spin the knob of this wooden door? And, to be fair, I'm bored of being too quiet, unlike those hands belonging to that boy. Now, after those hands had been put to be later taken out of both pockts, they now stand above his head, under that hat of his. Maybe that clover could be hid below that hair, below that hat, but each doubt has its flaws, that only I had the time to perceive of such

— It may have fell somewhere else, other than yourself – I said. Fratley didn't paid that much of attention to my words, as usual, althought he listened to me clearly. But everyone's ears do listen to another, paying attention or not. Sometimes, it's hard to make someone follow of your advices. Not that Fratley is reckless as me, but it's just that... how could I explain? I... nevermind. He's just a kid, and I am a kid as well, althought I'm a bit older than his.

— Uh... – he muttered, with a sort of dissapointment on his face. I guess Fratley couldn't find that clover, as much as I expected he couldn't. Not that I expect in contempt for this, but I hoped he could find that clover, somehow. It matched with his appearance, althought no one else, other than me, seems to bother with small details. Fratley sure is small, alike the details belonging to his.

— What's up, Frattie? – I asked, when I couldn't hear of his voice. 'Frattie'... how seldom I do call him by this way. Same goes for Dan, whom I often call by 'Gappys', and Lenneth, who I choose to call by 'Lennie' instead. Now, I became quiet as much as Fratley did, or so I thought for a moment. That dissapointment of his, unlike this one of mine, soon turned into a sign of gaiety; like, he was about to tell a funny story, or so that smile told me to be that kind of story. I just had to ask, after all.

— You know, uh... no, you don't, so let me tell you what happened – and so I went all ears to his – you see, when I came home, to find those cards daddy had hidden on his closet, and as I heard the door opening, I came downstairs. Mommy was there, and your mommy too, see? My mommy told me to call my brothers, because I was the only one there, besides my little brother, but he's so little that he can't even walk yet, and your mommy didn't knew where my brothers were, so I had time to do it so. But your friend said otherwise, with those yes, back that day. I didn't knew back that day that you two were so upset, and who wouldn't? You two where awaiting for me, or for those cards, or whatever I needed to bring to yours. I forgot to bring those cards in time, and then, I dissapointed both of you...

— I don't mind – sure, I don't mind. Yesterday is yesterday – please, continue – Lennie didn't opened this door yet, so all I can do is to keep listening to his. I'm rather tired of listening to myself already, unlike the words of this kid.

— Either way, I forgot for a moment that you two needed me, because, between you and mommy, she comes first, you see. So, I had to call my brothers, my priority was that, no matter the rest, I just had to call them. Mommy had gone to the market all alone, but then, she came thanks to your mommy, and... what is her name, by the way? Was it Lenneth? Oh, yes, that's her name, I thought about that when I went walking, you know, to see my brothers.

I guess she didn't spoke that many, but I know I've heard of same before, maybe I had saw her once, or someone who spoke of her name, I know, but I don't know how. Not so many know about me, or my name, you see. So, I thought about your mommy, and her name, before and after I called my brothers, and just as I went walking to meet you, and that friend, cousin, that boy with a gap between the front teeth, a stone made me tumble, because, well, I was distracted, and then, I felt, just as I went rolling into a ha-ha, and I kept rolling, rolling, rolling...

— ...And then, you stopped rolling? – I asked, just so that talk didn't lasted forever. I paid attention to his words, and gestures as well. Speaking about gestures, mostly done by both hands, varying from zig-zags to full circles, I could see, and feel, thatFratley was excited to be able to talk about it, and still he wanted to keep talking. At this point, many would have already gave up of this boy, and the story within his. Well, what else should I do, other than keep listening to his?

— Of course I did. I had hit a wall, or the wall hit me... either way, I had to stop rolling. Fortunately, you see, I feel fine, since that day. The cards and I landed atop the green, a bit yellow, grass, and other plants. Those seeds with spikes went glued to my skin, as much as they went within my clothes as well, and I took then all, shaking my head, turning my fingers into pinchs because those spikes were itchy, except for a clover that went stucked at the back of my ear. I didn't even noticed that thing, until you noticed it.

However, what you, your friend, even myself didn't noticed, besides the green of the clover, was the purple, not the one belonging to those Quad Mist cards, but the purple of my knees and elbows. Mommy did noticed them, even before I had showed them to her. She surely knew I had been wounded, you see, althought I felt fine, as usual. I had to drink a spoon of castor oil, whom mommy usually served to my brothers as a sort of punishment, but because I had been kind with her all along, she also had made me prove a bit of maple syrup as well.

— Interesting – to prove of some castor oil, to later taste the flavour of something alike maple... now, I know Fratley sure is lucky – and what happened to your lucky clover? Wasn't it stuck at the back of your ear all along?

— Well, it was, until today. I took a bath, I changed my clothes, mommy washed my clothes, as she did with the ones belonging to my brothers, we all had dinner, and nobody asked about that clover, not even mommy. And, like, I woke up today with a strange taste in my mouth. Strange, because I had a dream where I stepped on moss carpet, then I went sit on a dinner table, and I had been drinking only water, glasses of water, it was raining outside, then I drank a whole cactus daddy brought from the desert, I felt its spikes into my pants, then mommy gave in my hands a dish full of cut like squares watermelons into my mouth, I spited those black seeds, and then I woke up, with my nose telling me that my bed became wet, once again.

It happens. Like, one of my tooth had fell on the same day, see? So, I had to sleep, not on the same bed, but on another, belonging to one of my brothers. But before, I changed my pants, because, you know, they were soaked, and they stinked, just like my bed. I took a bath on my own this time, and my hands instead of mommy washed me instead. Each one of them refuse to divide a single space, even when I said that I could sleep at the tip of their feet. It was getting cold, so I had to sleep.

— And the clover was there, at the back of your ear?

— Yes, the clover was there, on my ear, unlike now. My tooth was under the pillow, whose feathers didn't had any smell, so I took them both. I hoped that I could find the Nezuminoko, maybe even be able to speak with him; however, my eyes said otherwise. How could I talk to that mouse if I had been affected by his sleeping powder? It was then that I was about to fell asleep, the wall and the floor seemed so comfortable at the night, until I saw the light, orange light, of that candle, coming from mommy's room.

I holded of my pillow, as I crossed the corridor between my room, where my brothers stood on their beds, to came above the only remaining bed belonged was the one who belonged to mommy, where daddy used to sleep with her. My little brother was sleeping on that crib, where I and my brothers used to sleep too, but now that crib belonged to his, and only. Besides the crib, mommy's arms where also there, to hold him, as much as she uses them to hold us as well. But, with my little brother, she holded tightly with him, and not so much, unlike the way she touches, or even washes me, and my brothers as well. So I had to sleep with mommy that night.

— And that was when you had lost your lucky clover?

— Maybe. Seeing how much I had tried to convince my brothers to hire a space on their beds, which I failed to do it so with them all, mommy allowed me to sleep on her bed, as I layed on the same space daddy used to sleep with mommy. I could even smell his scent, on that pillow and those blankets, as much as mommy could too. I couldn't sleep yet, with that candle lit, so I had blown it with a single blew, aside a mouth covered by a bit of spit.

So, as the room went all dark, like almost the entire house did, as I put my head on my pillow, mommy layed above daddy's pillow, to feel more of his scent, and my tooth rested under my own pillow, covered by same blanket daddy used to share with mommy, and now I shared of that blanket. It was that big, even bigger than me, the blanket, the bed, and mommy too. With that big bed, I hoped that I had a big dream as well, until I felt something that made me woke up sooner than I expected. I felt a bit of something watery falling in my skin, and this time it didn't came under my pants, but atop my face, like it wasn't spit, or sweat, but a tear. Not my tear, and that wasn't my eye, but mommy's.

She was crying, like a willow does. Seeing that hair and face crestfallen that way, she looked like a willow to me. I couldn't even hear her moaning, like when people do when they cry. Mommy then holded onto me, the nearest person who had been there, closer than my little brother sleeping in the crib. He uses to wake up in the middle of night before mommy does. Not that she wants to wake up, but she needed to do it so, because my little brother would be crying, and crying, and I don't think its polite to tell a baby to be quiet, even when hungry. I was hungry too, even after the dinner I had, but I couldn't complain to mommy, seeing how tired she was, even before she came up to sleep on that bed. So, mommy holded me, instead of daddy's pillow, on same way as daddy used to hug her.

I guess that was more than a mere hug. A cuddle, if I could say. Daddy always told me to treat a lady right, no matter the age. I never asked to him if it was my age, or the lady's age, that counted. But then, I had no way to ask him that night, or the nights that came before that day. Maybe mommy had been crying because she had doubts, and daddy wasn't there to answer then. I couldn't answer mommy's questions, like daddy would do, because I couldn't even hear then, like daddy would listen, and only he listened what mommy said to him.

But, I had to find a way to calm mommy, so I told her, on the first try, that I enjoyed the dinner of that day, althought I had peed on my bed that night. Second try, and I told to mommy that I took a bath on my own, for the first time. See? Those were good things. And, for the third try, I told, no, I sang a lullaby to mommy. On each night, she uses to tell me and my brothers a lullaby, for so we could sleep, more than we could under the blanket, and above the pillow. I never had told mommy a lullaby so she could sleep before that night.

And guess what? It worked. Mommy even grated me, and that effort I had to sing, because, well, I only sang to myself all along, but never to anyone else, besides me, but then, mommy heard of my voice. Though my voice ain't that sweet, like mommy, she then released those arms away from me, unlike that look, same look that could be seen even with those eyes closed. Before mommy closed her eyes, she told me that, despite my lullaby, a song about spiders being washed down the wall, I couldn't think of anything else, she also appreciated that I stood on her side as well. Not that I wanted to, but my bed went soaked by an invisible yellow of mine, or maybe it was clearly as water, but it was dark, so I couldn't see. It was dark on mommy's room as well, althought I could feel her kiss, on my cheek, the nearest place besides the lips, whom only she kissed thoses belonging to daddy. So, after that good night kiss, we had a good sleep. I guess she did, seeing how I didn't felt the blanket moving unusually. Fine then.

I had another dream, and it was a dream unlike another I had. I had been sitting on a table, only me and mommy, we both sitting on chairs belonging to same side. I was eating lettuce, prepared by mommy, who looked at me, and the more I coulse see the look of her face upon me, more I ate of same lettuce. When I finished, mommy clapped, and then, I picked up a pretty red strawberry, mommy's favorite kind, with same fork, then I raised that fork to mommy, to put that strawberry inside her mouth. And it was then that I felt a strange taste in my mouth, a sort of leaf taste. Oh! Now I know whatever happened to my lucky clover. I ate it, Jack.

— ...What!? You ate it? – I said, rather surprised, after all I had been kept to endure. No distraction, only to hear this. I guess nothing else can surprise me after this. Or maybe I am utterly wrong, as usual with Fratley.

— Had you ever eaten a spinach leaf? It's the same thing – Fratley said it, as if it was the most lifelike thing that may happen.

— No. I despise spinach, as much as I despise watercress as well...

— Really? I like then both! – Fratley said, surprised as much as I had been, when he said that he ate that clover. And now I had find someone who likes what I don't like – It's only my tongue that dislikes their flavour. See? – he opened that mouth, and with that index, he pointed to his teeth, from the left to the right – you put the spinach, the watercress, whatever it's the vegetable you don't like between your teeth. Try to chew then, wthout letting your tongue touch them, and when you had chewed enough, you just swallow everything deep into your throat. If there's a flavour remaining in your mouth, you can drink water, or milk, or eat a watermellon as well.

— Thanks for the advice – I can see it was a pretty good advice of his. Think of how many carrots and peppers I could had been eating, without tasting then, only to feel them deep into my throat... that's why Fratley is a good boy.

— There are lucky clovers anywhere I go, so don't worry if I had eaten one by a single mistake, okay? – okay. I said that I didn't minded about it before, but thanks for reminding me of this detail. Fratley sure reminds a lot of things, for someone with a small skull – you know, speaking about food, and those things you put in your mouth, daddy once had to prove of his own pee. He said it tasted like hot beer, and guess what? He was right – what? Uh... I can't believe it. Is there something that hadn't been there, on that mouth, other than food? And why I am interested to ask more? And where's Lennie to open this door already? Whatever.

— ...And did you drank beer just to know if it tasted like pee?

— Nah, I only had to taste it. The flavour, if you could call it by such, later made me spit in a wall. I'd rather drink my own pee than drink beer once again.

— Well, 'good' for you... – I am speechless, althought I want to speak more, and listen more as well. That's one of many faults belonging to my design. Fratley's as well.

— ...Daddy said to me once that if you pee on your feet, they'll be clean of any kind of fungus...

— Ughhh... Couldn't he just treat both feet with some kind of medicinal herbs? – enough of that. Where's Lennie to open this door? Not even the windows are open, unlike Fratley. Besides hearing Fratley, I heard some steps, same steps I heard before Fratley came up with his explanation. I guess I was so interested, or distracted as well, by his words that I didn't even noticed, or bothered to hear those steps.

And, as I expected, the knob belonging to that door twisted, as same door opened, allowing us, because Fratley was still there as well, to see the owner of same hand, and the house where she had been all along. Lennie, or if I could say on her face... thinking about it, she sure is beautiful, on the way daddy speaks of her. Forget Dan. Even with that belly, huge by now, prominently becoming the detail that hids the smal ones, like those purple eyes, or that silver hair, wrapped like a ponytail with an orange ribbon, akin to the one tied into that tail, and my tail as well.

Geez... Why do I feel this way? Can't I just tell how do I feel? How 'I' feel... I had been calling her by 'Lennie', yet what does ever that mean? A sort of mockery? Why only now I came to realise of such? Argh... I can't even grim these teeth without she notices them with those eyes. I need those eyes to notice me, somehow. Yet, I want her to notice of my words too. Not those words, but... I am speechless of words I never had the time to tell. Some I don't even know yet. 'Lennie', As much as I, stands quiet, briefly to say so. I can see whenever a question may come in, to be uttered by those lips. Mouth, I mean. Those lips are for daddy, and only. A mouth belongs to anyone else; however, am I anyone else to her? Of course not.

— So it was you who had been knocking the door before, Jack? – she asked. I agreed with a nod, and a look on her face. Maybe I could had said a 'yes' instead, but I couldn't. I don't know why, or maybe I do know. I already know why. At least, I made a signal for Lennie, proving that I was alive – well, I guess I can trust your scent, after all – she said, looking into another direction, to the kitchen, instead of a straight look into my face, like before. Her nose sniffed, or maybe she just breathed, as usual.

— Why you took so long to open the door? – I asked, in a tone unlike mine. Sure, I would ask to Lennie this same question, had I been prepared to ask it so even before I came here. That's why I knocked the door, at first place. But, speaking about how I said that question... I asked on a desperate way, on a way I did needed to know why that door hadn't been opened yet, unlike how I do used to not bother, to not give a damn about anything, but ask just because I felt the need to do it so, like now, but I never sounded that... soft by now? There may be another word that means the same, but better.

— I had been busy – Lennie just said, quickly as she noticed Fratley, glanced to his, and turned his head to the kitchen. Also, she scratched that nose, carefully due to the size of those nails, and with same hand, and nails, she scratched the back of her neck, until that head had been turned to the kitchen, same instant that same hand ended up laying above that stomach, all done after another. So busy that she didn't even looked at me... Well, she did. For an instant.

— Sniff, sniff... what a wonderful smell – said Fratley, who had been sniffing with that nose of his. I didn't even noticed, until I turned my head to his, like how Lennie did, and still is doing, to the kitchen's direction, which is just the opposite direction of Fratley's, whose direction is near the kailyard of my house.

— Boy, that's only hot water and salt – she said. That face had been kept on same way, looking at the kitchen's direction, except for a brief turn taken by those eyes, after those ears heard of Fratley's voice, and words of praise, who suggested that her cooking skills were amazing enough; that the food about to be prepared, as it seemed to be, tasted good even before they went inside that bowl. Lennie left a smile as well. A smile unlike her turn, who only lasted briefly. Though, she remained a bit worried, like before, even with that smile. How easy it is to make someone smile, don't you think, Jack? No, I don't.

— I wonder what shall be prepared for lunch... – I said, and also wondered. Giving that there was nothing, anything being cooked inside that bowl, I guess Lennie was worried about what she needed to cook, at first place.

— The usual, Jack – ...vegetables once again. I know, and Lennie knows. I may not like them, but as Fratley said, I'll try to chew them with my teeth, without letting my tongue touch a single leaf. Lennie didn't even looked at me, not even a bit. At least, she heard me, but ears can hear anyone, looking through or not. Once again, I saw that look on her face.

It was like Lennie did knew what to do next, yet she didn't wanted, or had been worried about it. I know Lennie is truly worried not because of her expressions, but the way she acts. Her arms may not be crossed upon that chest, but at least, there's an arm there, and how often she puts that same arm there. My brother, who is below that arm, that chest, is a reason for Lennie to be worried about. Not that she is worried because of my brother and only. She is also worried about me as well. I know she is, always had been. This morning, the morning of yesterday, the day before yesterday... so many days. I've had this feeling before, but I just rejected it. I threw it away, yet I want them back. But there's time to do many things, and less time to do all things.

Now it seems to be lunch time, yet there's no such lunch at the table, but hot water, and a bit of salt, where food used to be prepared. Still it is prepared on same way, to be later served on same dishes. Well, only two had been currently served above the table. But today, it seems there'll be three dishes, or so that kid's stomach hurled, even if I couldn't hear of such, but Lennie sure did heard it. Since Lennie knows about Fratley's mother, the same goes for Dan's mother, she allowed him to share of a dish, and a sit as well, for later. So we, I included Fratley, came inside that house, crossing between Lennie's legs, who, like the door, had opened it to allow us to get inside.

I didn't had any reason to run, unlike Fratley, who already reserved a sit for his. Funny though, because I am an only child, and yet, there are like five, six chairs, each one with four legs, awaiting for someone to sit at them, and by these someones, now it remained only two of us, each one with six legs in total, counting my little brother. Before, there was once three of us, each one with six legs in total; I hope daddy didn't lose a leg, or an arm, for good. By the way, I already sat into all of these chairs, Fratley. It was raining outside, as usually had been for an eternity, but who else to care, other than those who had been there? Though, this house is under the rain as well. Only the ceiling gets soaked, as we stand in there, drying up, or trying to do it so. The wind also dries the cloths hanging into that line outside, althought in the end, they all get soaked anyway, like those vegetables, and fruits hanging in that kailyard, where Lennie soon will be, to collect pieces of our lunch.

Now I do know why she had been so worried. Lennie thought that I wouldn't come back, or maybe she did though that I would, but then, what would I do next? Ask her about any kind of food? Do I ever asked to her that I wanted a bit of watercress to be served anyway? I guess I didn't. Not even now. An empty basket is lying above this table, as much as forks, knives, spoons, dishes and our hands. That basket used to be filled in by any kind of vegetables, or leaves belonging to them. Leaves of cabbages, roots of carrots, stems of potatoes, fruits of tomatoes, tiny alike cherries, seeds of beans... a variety of food served on a single dish, who had been all empty by now, alike that basket. Lennie also noticed it, and as she came near us, near the table, I raised that basket, so I could deliver it to her hands.

— Thank you – she said. I think I deserved way more than a mere 'thank you', seeing how Lennie stood, on that same position. She didn't even turned her back so she could hold of that same basket on her arm. I recall she once said that her back hurted, or maybe she didn't ever said it after all.

I saw her back hurt, back that day, and today as well. As if that chest, and that back weren't enough, Lennie's ankles were a bit swollen, but a bit had been enough for I to notice of them, on both feet. So, Lennie couldn't turn her back, because of how painful it was to do it so, and those bubble feets must be painful as well, althought she keeps standing anyway. I follow Lennie, to where she goes, the kailyard outside this house, because she doesn't seems to be okay. Never she had been a kind of 'okay', but 'fine' instead. Or so she insists, and still does, even without words, that she is fine. Fratley stood on that same chair, knowing that Lennie wasn't alright as well. He looked at me, as if he had been saying 'your turn' with those eyes. Fratley had no idea of what to do next, other than put a piece of food into that mouth, who stood quiet, unlike that stomach only Lennie could hear, like any other of her kind. She's a kind of mother. My mother.

If I could, at least, find a way to say that, on her face. Of all the things I said to her, and none of them had ever sounded alike this word. Yes, this word. So near of me, yet faraway, yet so close. I wished that I could be near Lennie, like that basket, but also that I could be more than what that basket does for Lennie. To be holded by those arms, and also to hold of same arm with my own. From the front door, to a few steps, I came where she is, and so we stand on same soil, same position. Speaking of position, Lennie only stands on that position, alike a statue does, but she isn't dead yet to turn into one. Althought she is already gray, like they all seem to be, like a dead does seem to be.

Besides the rain, I felt a tiny strand of hair falling upon me. A white strand, belonging to that same white hair. That thing fell like a leaf, once again, into me. Atop my nose, to later fall into the ground... Alike how a tree does when autumn comes, because Lennie isn't bald like a tree on a winter, like many trees by now, althought the white in the ground slowly starts to came in when winter comes. The rain seems colder than usual, yet I do feel a kind of warmth, and aching of same level as well. I can't even speak to Lennie... It's like there's a mirror between us, and I am the bird who cannot see them. I know it, because a bird once had gotten his head beaten into my bedroom's window. If I had left that window open, maybe that bird wouldn't had died that day.

However, there is no such mirror on the ground beneath my feet, Lennie's feet. As I said, she can't even turn that back, without feeling that pain, unlike how I do keep crouched, digging in the dirt with these tiny claws, of tiny hands, to find some potatos, carrots, any kind of onion, to be put into that basket. I can also take some okras and lettuces, cabagges, tomatoes, those kinds that I do not even have the need to dig to find and take them to that basket. But they are unreachable for Lennie as well. She does keep watching me, and these actions of mine, on same position as before. No kind of 'thank you' had been uttered this time, because Lennie, as much as I, went speachless as well.

I know I have the touch, and I had been wanting some contact all this time. I know I'll be served of a good lunch, because the same had been made by a good mother like you. If, at least, I could say that to you, instead of looking at you, and thinking that I once had said that to you once upon a lifetime.

...