《Terms and Conditions》Finale 5

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“SEE? THIS WASN’T SO HARD.”

Exflibberaguil shared none of Nick’s joy. He huffed and turned around facing the wall. His eyebrows furrowed in concentration, yet he kept glancing back at Nick and the three adults, obviously hoping that one of them would enquire about his strange occupation.

Nick knew Exflibberaguil well enough to know exactly what he was thinking. The adults didn’t care much and simply assumed Exflibberaguil was sulking, which he often did in front of them. Nick snickered, her back turned toward Exflibberaguil. She was not going to give him the satisfaction of asking.

“What’s he doing there?” Timothy asked in a loud whisper. Nick saw Exflibberaguil twitch, but he did not answer.

“He must have gone insane,” Nick replied as loud as she could while still passing it off as a whisper.

“Insane?” Oakley asked. “I thought he was just throwing a tantrum and giving us the silent treatment.”

“I’ve had my fair share of tantrums, and they have all come from five-year olds who don’t want to get a shot,” the doctor replied. “Tantrums are loud and noisy and full of spit and tears. That you see, is just sulking, what happens five minutes after the shot is administered. The child has already been comforted by Mom and had their boo-boo kissed, and then they begin to sulk at me as if I enjoyed the mess they make on my chairs and tables. Usually, however, this is easily cured with one of those cheap temporary tattoos Donna gives them. I don’t think I have any on hand though. Do you suppose we should draw on him?”

Finally, Exflibberaguil huffed angrily, evidently giving up on being asked. The adults all glanced back in surprise, as if they didn’t notice him staring at a wall and weren’t talking and attempting to throw their voice across the room.

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“Please do not draw on me,” Exflibberaguil snapped, sounding very childish. “My skin is sensitive.”

“Oh my, look at him! He’s talking! Quick, put him in a straitjacket before he harms himself!” Nick exclaimed.

“But don’t you all see, this must be a trap!” Exflibberaguil said, throwing his arms out to show a point.

“What clued to off? The dark maze we are currently trapped in and unable to get out of?” Nick replied sarcastically. “Gee, what a genius.”

“You can continue being sarcastic. It won’t get you anywhere!” Exflibberaguil yelled. “But this has been too easy. In a maze this size, it should have taken weeks to find you all. But it only took a little more than an hour. Why would they want us like this?”

“They thought we’d die if we were lonely,” Nick replied dryly. “Like little fishies.”

Nick and Exflibberaguil continued to bicker and argue, while the Doctor, Timothy, and Oakley shared bemused looks.

“Imagine if we were younger,” Oakley began.

“I like to,” the doctor sighed heavily, “but this whole situation here isn’t helping. I plan on going insane in two days, and then committing suicide. You all can eat me to survive, though I suggest you have me cooked well done. You never want to catch salmonella.”

“If we were younger, we’d all be bickering like this!” Oakley laughed hysterically. “Over the craziest things, can you imagine! In fact, I think I have had some dreams about this very thing!” Her giggling became more high-pitched, and Nick’s and Exflibberaguil’s argument faded into silence as they stared with terrified expression at Oakley.

“Y-you know,” Oakley continued, unaware of the stares she was attracting. “You know, I had the craziest dream that I interrupted your date, Timmy! And – get this – you were furious about it! Ha! Imagine that, you with a girlfriend!”

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“Timmy?” Timothy exclaimed.

Oakley doubled down in laughter, her shrieks echoing off the walls. Tears squeezed out of her eyes. “Imagine that! Who would ever want to date you?” She couldn’t say anything more, and hugging herself in a ball, she began to roll back and forth.

Timothy looked very hurt know. “Fancy that, I believe I had the same dream.”

“Timothy, you’re nuts too!” the Doctor hissed. “It happened!”

“How does that matter? We’re going to be in here forever. It’s better to imagine things are just a dream. You won’t feel the pain and regret as all your friends and family slip further and further away from you, and…”

“Oh, get a hold of yourself you—” the Doctor glanced at Nick and Exflibberaguil, waiting for him to continue, “—you, um, big fat blubbergrandma! What are you, some Shakespearian tragedy playwright?”

“I propose we just stay in this room and conserve our energy,” Exflibberaguil said weakly, turning back to his wall.

“Oh my god, you too? And you’re a child!”

“I’m probably older than your great-great-grandfather,” Exflibberaguil muttered, “considering how many years I spent back in time.”

The doctor turned to Nick.

“Hey, don’t look at me with pleading eyes!” Nick said, inching backwards. “I like life as much as the next guy, but I’m not lugging these useless corpses around this maze. No thank you!” Nick scanned her companions with a careful eye. “Though I guess we could use them as a food source, should that run low. And I’ll be happy to cook the salmonella out of them, if you have a fire.”

“What am I doing?” the doctor groaned. “I graduated out of college, got my medical degree, and now the only person sane in this maze with no exit is a thirteen-year-old runaway!”

Oakley’s hysterical giggling now transformed into a sob. She cried and screamed, throwing an actual tantrum. She screeched intelligible phrases, something along the lines of “Help! I’m going to die! The lions will eat me!”

Nick turned toward the black ceiling. “A little help here please? Rabbits? I know I have eaten my fair share of you, but if it makes you feel any better, you are delicious. And ferret, I’m sorry, but I still haven’t got to eating you yet. But I’d appreciate it if you’d let us out and give me a little taste.”

“Never mind. She’s not sane either,” the doctor groaned. “But then again, I’m talking to myself. What’s this?”

He picked up a piece of paper that had fluttered down from the ceiling. The doctor glanced up, but could make out nothing in the darkness.

“What do you have?” Nick asked, hurrying over. Exflibberaguil moved to come look, before remembering he was sulking and turned around, putting on his best pout.

Suddenly hundred of pieces of the same, thin brown paper flew out of the ceiling from some unseen opening. Hundred upon hundred of them rained on the five insane people. Oakley stopped screaming. Exflibberaguil reluctantly looked around. As if all of them were once again controlled by one universal force, they all looked up and glanced at each other.

Nick snatched out of the air, and everyone followed. She eagerly unfolded the wrinkled paper, revealing indigo ink printed neatly on the page, spelling a single word:

“MAP.”

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