Those words pierce like a dagger. Lilith watches him disappear behind the closing door. Shutting with a tiny click. She should’ve apologized. But there’re so many thoughts, emotions, running through her simultaneously that it’s only now she’s registered fully of all the things Killian’s said.

Spinning around, she decides to address the one that’s the most urgent,

“Cyan!” the panic in her tone must’ve startled him because he’s tensing up with a flinch. As if a child’s been caught playing staying up late to play video games by their parents.

So, he is awake.

Rushing beside him, she examines his wounds,

“Does it still hurt?” profusely apologizing, “I’m so sorry!” it’s completely closed up by now. Leaving behind an explosion of scars beneath his diaphragm. He’s trying to get up, perching himself on an elbow to lean against her headboard with a grimace on his face. Looks like the internal injuries are still gradually recovering. But he doesn’t address anything, neither is he giving her any approval nor disapproval. He’s analyzing her actions, as much as she’s analyzing him.

It’s making her unnecessarily nervous.

Is Cyan mad at her? What’s going through his mind right now? She can’t definitively tell, but there’s definitely skepticism somewhere deep in his eyes that he keeps hidden away with a shroud.

Very difficultly, he wheezes,

“Come nearer.” to which she takes as a command to abide,

“Yes?” he’s putting a hand on her shoulder, dragging her forward that she has to perch a knee on top her bed to balance herself. He’s leaning in really close. It’s starting to get disarming... His lashes are white and fluttery, catching the moon in scattering light. It’s actually distracting her out of her frazzling emotions when she whispers again,

“Cyan?” his gaze, half lidding from exhaustion. A dullness in his pupils smeared out of focus. She can feel his stuttering breath against her lips, is he still hurting? What is he up to?

“Are you oka-” she tries to ask, until a sharp pain abruptly bolts up her spine. Nausea chasing from her gut. Causing her to double over, slamming her forehead against her pillow beside.

That was so shit of him to do. He just punched her completely unguarded.

Hard. That she’s still wrapping her arms around her stomach and shaking from the echoing twinge. She’s coughing when she hears him say beside her,

“We’re even now.” guess she deserves this. She reluctantly agrees,

“This means you won’t be angry at me?” his response makes her understand what he was skeptical about,

“Depends. Will you force the maple grass down my throat?” he’s been conscious for that long? Was he afraid that she would?

“Of course not!” she reassures with a scowl, flickering her head up when the pain finally fades. He’s not looking at her, instead, he’s anchored his elbow on the window sill to gaze out of it with a contemplating face. It’s getting late now so the noises have died down. Townsfolks have either returned home or passed out from their drunken stupor.

Cyan’s being serious when he solemnly pries,

“Aren’t you afraid that I’ll betray you, that I’ll hold it against you? I overheard some serious information that can turn you into a fugitive in an instant.”

“But you promised, right?” he’s chasing his pupils to watch her say, “when we first met, you promised me that you won’t stab me in the back.” it’s dumbfounding him. Widening his eyes at her as if she’s incredibly stupid. Before he admits very silently, empathizing with her,

“If I were in your position. I would’ve forced the maple grass down your throat.” but he doesn’t understand her, if he did, he would’ve known,

“That means I’ll forget you!” she sits herself down at the ledge, “I don’t want to forget you. And I don’t want you to forget me.” he’s laughing at her statement,

“You really are awfully selfish.”

“How am I selfish?” he nonchalantly reminds,

“You just poked an entire hole through my liver, and you’re expecting me to unconditionally forgive you.” this is making her quieten. Averting her gaze, she fully realizes what she’s asking him of, that’s why, she can only offer another,

“I’m sorry...” before she flicks her eyes up and demands, “but you have to forgive me!”

“Why do I have to do that?”

“Because friends forgive each other! That’s what friends do.”

“Yes, because it’s totally normal for friends to casually go around stabbing arms through each other.” he’s being awfully sarcastic. She changes up her tactics,

“Then what can I do for you to forgive me?” scooting nearer to pressurize him. But Cyan flinches away, pressing his back against the wall, there’s a brief shimmer, like the turn of a knife, in his eyes that’s quickly suppressed. Pulling his ears back on instinct, Cyan soundly swallows.

It makes her understand what he’s expressing.

Fear. Despite he’s tried to conceal it but she’s felt it in that split second instance.

Cyan’s actually frighten of her right now.

A part of him is afraid she might hurt him again. And the weight’s wrapping around her ankles like shackles to drag her under.

Retreating, Lilith clutches into the fabric before her chest. This doesn’t feel good. It feels like she’s drowning. This concoction of regret for trusting Luci, guilt for hurting Cyan and confusion for the entire ordeal. It’s so frustrating. But she doesn’t have the confidence to reassure him it won’t happen again. She doesn’t know. She can’t control Luci. So instead, she drops her gaze towards the mattress and shuffles away to give him breathing space,

“I just don’t want you to hate me...” she gingerly admits. Staring at the white sheets she’s unknowingly crinkling beneath her fist. She pours these emotions that’s been bubbling inside her out,

“I don’t want to be Luci. I don't care about her ideals. I don't want to hurt a bunch of people to become Armageddon. And I don’t want to hurt you and I don’t want you to fear me.” it’s such an annoying sensation irking her that’s making her eyes water when she actually lines it up like that,

“I don’t want to lose anything...” Cyan and Killian are important to her. And if anything Feno’s memories have persuaded her of, it’s that, wars aren’t fun. Wars take things from people,

“Even if Luci can ressurect the dead and make everyone a Demigod, there are still going to be way too many disintegrated corpses in the cross fire Luci can never revive." Lanara's gone forever. Feno has to live with that weight. And that's just a single perspective. Luci creates too many tragedies she can never amend, never justify,

"I don't want that. I just want to go on adventures and do fun things with you. And the thought that everything’s going to change because of Luci,” claws at her throat like a pinpointed blade.

“Nothing’s going to change if you don’t change.” Cyan advices quietly. Flicking her gaze up,

“What does that even mean?” her vision’s still cloudy with tears. So, she blinks into focus. Cyan’s not addressing her, he’s looking out of her windows again. At the clocktower far into the distance. It’s midnight. Storm clouds are beginning to cloud the skies, autumn wind breathing in, rustling through his hair,

“Things will only change if you become Luci.” he sighs defeatedly, poking at her chest, “you said she’s trapped inside you, right?”

“Yeah.”

“If you keep her trapped, then you won’t be Luci.” he’s right. If she doesn’t let her out of the cage again, then she won’t lose control to Luci. But she’s more surprised of the notion,

“You don’t despise me?” because he’s wearing his heart on his sleeves for once. Cyan’s starting to look a little regretful as if he’s blaming himself for making her feel bad. It isn’t his fault.

She knows he’s reassuring her when he gives her a small shrug,

“I already said we’re even.” after that punch? She widens her eyes at the statement.

“But aren’t you afraid of me?”

He scrunches his brows as though it’s a weakness she’s just pointed out,

“That was reflex.” clicking his tongue, Cyan shrouds his gentleness in bristles again,

“Getting stabbed hurts like hell. You got to give me time to adjust.” Lilith lowers her gaze at his wound. It looks completely recovered now, reaching a hand forward she brushes her fingers against the scar lightly. Very softly, she tries,

“Does it still hurt?” it jerks him like she’s startled an abused animal, so she quickly snaps her hand away,

“Sorry.”

“Quit apologizing.” he grabs her fingers, “it’s unlike you." and reiterates,

"I know it's not you that attacked me. I won't hold it against you.” flushing her palm beneath his diaphragm, he’s inviting her to examine him like she always insisted to,

“Besides, it doesn’t hurt anymore. I’m fully healed.” looking at his face makes her notice how reluctant he is. He’s forcing himself to drop his cynical exterior around her. It’s reminding her of a cat, rolling over to expose its belly only to draw claws at those that attempt to pet it. But he’s trying his best to suppress it. Trying his best, to cheer her up.

It’s suddenly making her realize with a little gasp. Straightening her back. Cyan’s raising an eyebrow at her gestures,

“What’s wrong?” she’s figured it all out, the second thing Luci's wanted to show her. The reason why Luci’s stabbed him! It was all just a test, to see if Cyan still cares about her even after that. To let Lilith know if she should trust him. That’s so cruel,

“I’m so sorry...” she doesn’t like Luci’s methods. But Lilith’s lack of explanation isn’t letting him understand, so he frowns again,

“I already said stop apologizing. I’m not that stingy!” she’s reaching a hand forward to stroke his hair,

“I’m so sorry, Cyan.” understanding that is pinching her heart tighter, she feels like crying. Cyan got hurt for a stupid reason like that. It’s panicking him now,

“Wait. What the hell? What did I do?” he’s getting a bit frantic because he’s misinterpreted that he’s responsible for her tears. But she’s just throwing her arms around him. Collapsing both of them towards the pillow, Lilith presses her face into his neck, she admits,

“I just feel bad...” he struggles for a bit,

“Why the heck do you always do this?” her continuous sobs made him stop. He defeatedly asks,

“Would hugging me make you feel better?” she nods,

“It comforts me.” wiping her tears into his skin that's ice to the touch. Cyan was freezing. It’s starting to rain outside, wind howling through her room, fluttering her curtains frantically in a dance. So, she pulls the covers over them and tightens her arms. She selectively confesses,

“I don’t like the idea of you getting hurt...” she doesn’t like the idea she’s the reason why Luci’s hurt him. Cyan was right to call her selfish. She shouldn’t seek Luci out anymore. She shouldn’t covet her anymore.

It snaps her out of her thoughts when he sighs quietly,

“You’re really weird. You know that?” picking his head up but he isn’t making eye contact, glancing towards her bedsheets, his voice is a little wavered when he accuses in the next statement,

“I don’t know half the things that’s going on in your head, and you just do what you want all the time without giving me warnings and expecting me to go along with your whims.” she’s made him flustered. So, she asks,

“Do you dislike it when I do this?” he looks reluctant to reply, tensing up for a split second, suppressing his immediate response to call her stupid. Forcing himself to admit after a few moments of darting his pupils about,

“I guess I don’t.” he untangles their legs, leaving space between them, “I’m just not use to being hugged.”

“Why’s that?” he isn’t answering immediately. Backing away. He’s trying to build walls between them, pushing his face into the pillow, he muffles his replies,

“Because no one’s ever hugged me so intimately before I met you...” his voice trails off quietly, “I don’t know how I’m supposed to react.” she doesn’t need to keep prying to know that his family has never showed him warmth. No one’s taught him that it’s okay to seek comfort. Despite Lilith doesn’t remember her own family, she has Killian to love her. But Cyan... Cyan doesn’t have anyone even though he is surrounded by family.

“Then, can I hug you?” he points out,

“You’re already doing it.” she still isn’t letting go of her arms around his waist,

“No, I mean. Can I keep doing it?” inching forward to press against his torso. Closing their gaps. She doesn't like the distance. It makes her lonely. He looks at her, gaping his mouth a little as if he wants to admonish her again, but instead he swallows his words. Trying to figure out what she’s up to. She tucks her head into his neck. Insistingly snuggling herself there and wiping her tears away before finishing her sentence,

“It’s really warm. Isn’t it?” she explains with a hitch in her throat, “this makes me feel better when I’m sad, confused or in pain, or even when I’m happy.” it’s a nostalgic feeling. The sky’s the same dark and stormy. Blistering rain beating upon tinted windows in pitter-patters of an unseasonal drummer, but she’s away from the cold. As if someone long, long ago, held her like that. Told her, everything will be fine. But she can’t put a name, a time, to it. She’s waiting for Cyan to respond, tilting her head up to look at him when he finally does,

“I don’t dislike it... but-” he cuts himself off. Even in the whispering darkness she’s able to see, he’s blushing. Cyan’s nervous. She prompts,

“But?” there’s an awkwardness in his voice when he stutters “I-” he’s repressing himself. He doesn’t exactly know how to put it, so he’s grabbing her hand to show her. Pressing it in the center of his ribs. It’s so quick, she can hear his pulse. It’s deafening,

“When you get this close to me, my heart won’t stop going haywire.” what is this? Fear? Panic? No... his expression is showing her something else. Something soft and vulnerable. The sharp focus has dimmed away when he averts her glance. Parting his lips, just enough for his fangs to peek at four corners, he mumbles,

“Let me get used to it.” in shallow breaths, misting from the chill. But his skin is flushed, feverishly warm. It’s infecting her too. Swallowing the lump in her throat, she can tell how hoarse her voice’s gotten when she skeptically asks,

“Do you want me to stop?”

“No.” he breathes, clasping her hand before his chest and decides,

“I don't mind it.” before closing his eyes with a small smile, "I kinda like it actually."

She’s watching his lashes cast elegant shadows on his cheeks. The tension dissipating with storm’s euphony lulling him asleep. Deeper and deeper he sinks into her pillow. Entrancedly, Lilith brushes a stray fringe from his face. It’s odd, because a different thought’s now ringing in her mind, and it doesn’t stop repeating to her, Cyan’s really precious. She shakes it away. Snuggling next to him, Lilith crushes her eyes shut.