Forget facing down Tolsti in a spar, I had a new high mark for stress in my life. Tentatively crouching down to reach towards one plant after another, utterly unsure whether it was going to be the start of a fresh salad or hours of pain and misery. Each and every time I would look back hoping, foolishly, for a sign either way. No, all I got was the same cheerful smile. Was this okay? Smile. Am I even close? Smile. Will this plant decimate my digestive system? Smile. She would smile at me. I would smile back at her. Everyone would smile.

Maybe she would have stopped me before I did serious damage to myself. I’ll never know for sure since enough time had passed for the sun to reach midday and I seemed to be fine. There was a point where a string of stomach growls nearly set off a panic attack, but Tolsti’s reaction calmed me back down. I was pretty certain she wouldn’t giggle herself into a fit if I were really dying.

I even managed to relieve myself without cutting off anything important. Sure, I could have just dropped the dagger. I was fairly far away from the camp and Tolsti with it. There was no reason she would have known. And yet, the mere thought left me uneasy in way that all but begged me to take notice. She could have been watching me, I doubt it, but she could have all the same. It was the kind of off-kilter worry she probably wanted me to stew in, but honestly, I was fine giving Tolsti her due. An extra minute while I worked out the logistics of getting everything ready one-handed was a small price to pay. And as simple as it seemed, there was a visceral satisfaction to doing so. The type of mindfulness that only a sharp blade and an open fly can bring.

At the moment I was cutting the loose threads off my shirt and pants, a small bit of self care that I found oddly relaxing. The sun was in the perfect position to send a warm ray of sunshine onto my back and a comfortable silence had settled over the camp. I looked up from my busywork and took a steadying breath. It seemed as good a time as any to voice some questions I had been working through. There were glaring holes in my knowledge that I had been hesitant to draw attention to, but time and a new perspective had blunted the edge of those worries.

For one, this was exactly the kind of thing Tolsti had warned me about. I would never get the information I wanted if I feared to even broach the subject. If pressed, I would tell the truth, simply a version that invited assumptions on her part. Namely, that I wasn’t from here. It was technically true. Sure, I was banking on the likelihood that this was a very large world without the inter-global connectivity I was used to. I didn’t want to lie to her, but neither would I fight against misunderstandings. I wasn’t from here. Whether that meant some backwater on the other side of the world, or whatever twisted relation my world held, it was up to Tolsti to infer. And if even that fell through? So be it. Tolsti had already proved herself to me many times over. If she really pushed, I may as well lay my cards on the table. At worst, she would think I was insane. Not the outcome I desired, but… agreeable considering the dwindling time frame we had together. That being said, she seemed to respect my need for privacy. I didn’t see it going that far.

“Tolsti?” She stopped whatever she had been doing, some kind of wood carving if the thin ribbons of bark on the ground were any indication. “I was wondering if we could talk?”

“I knew this day would come. I had hoped – no, I can’t say I’m surprised. It’s just never easy.” With a heavy sigh, she dropped the wood she had been holding and turned around. A forlorn expression settled on her face before she began again. “It’s perfectly natural. I saved your life after all. Nursed you back to health with my gentle ministrations.”

“No, I–”

“Shh, it’s okay. It will hurt at first, but it’s best we get this done now.” A few steps brought her over to my position. Looking into my eyes, she knelt down and gently grabbed my hands in hers.

“That’s–“

“The pain will fade in time,” she started, raising her voice over mine. “You aren’t the first to fall for my charms, and you won’t be the last. But…” She paused with a wistful glance to the sky. “It would never work. Flattering, yes, but ultimately doomed to fail.”

The seconds stretch on as I considered the best way to get her back on track. It felt appropriate to meet her farce halfway.

“Woe is me, however will I recover from my broken heart. I’ll never – oh, look at that. Good as new. Now with that taken care of, there were a few other things I hoped you could help me with.”

“Sure, just remember, it’s okay to hurt. Hide your pain if it helps, but you’re not fooling anyone.”

Giving her a vague grunt of affirmation, I tick through my list of questions. I think it would be best to ask around what I want. Frame it in ways that led intent in other directions. I could always be more direct if needed. First on the list, where exactly were we? Hopefully I could shake some of the local landmarks out of her.

“You said you were leaving eventually. I was wondering where you planned on going.”

She gave me a sad, knowing look at my question, confusing until I realized it played into her soliloquy on my unrequited love. As if I just couldn’t help asking after her. Unable to hold in the exasperation, I curtly motion for her to get on with it. I was getting wrapped up in her pace and feeling less sure about my indirect approach.

“I’ll be taking the hunter’s trail to Deirden before cutting West to Allvirs Bay. But that’s not what you wanted to know now was it?”

Oh my God. Lord, give me the strength to continue.

“No, Tolsti, that very much is what I wanted to know. I’m sorry, but can we just put this whole infatuation joke aside for now. I’m being serious. Please.”

I stressed the ‘please’ with a tone that bordered on desperate. She had yet to release my hand and I was getting increasingly uncomfortable. I know she enjoyed keeping me off balance, but this was getting tiring.

“So am I little Henry. Ask what is truly on your mind. I’m not here to judge nor belittle. I am still here for one reason. To help. Opening yourself up is hard, much harder than simple words can paint. But know that I am here to listen if needed.”

I watch her open gaze with the wariness her personality demanded, waiting for the other shoe to drop. But… nothing came. She continued to kneel in front of me with an understanding look that set my heart racing, more urgently than any hackneyed jokes about love. It would be so easy to just – just tell her. She had all but asked me to.

My hands were sweaty in her soft grip and my thundering pulse was making it hard to think. All my clever plans and rationals clashed against the growing desire to just let everything out and pray she understood. I wanted to. Needed to. The stress was twisting my blood to battery acid, making every beat of my heart a struggle to endure. And through it all she gave that same smile from this morning. A smile that drove me crazy. A smile that endured, unflinching and steady no matter what I said, no matter the situation. A smile that said she was there for me, whether I made the right choice or not.

“I–” The word was croaked out, soaked through with emotions held together by my fingertips. I broke away from her face and turned my head to the side. Running my fingers over the rough corded grip of my dagger as I watched the fire crackle away. I had to stuff down the self loathing that derided the move as cowardly. It wasn’t something so easily denied; It just was easier if I didn’t have to look her in the eyes. “I know you’re leaving. And that’s – it is what it is. I understand. And I want to tell you. To talk to you. It’s not that – I just don’t want you to think I’m crazy.” By the end I was nearly at a whisper. The words seemed to wring the energy right out of me.

“Oh Henry, I already think you're crazy.”

I didn’t know how to respond. I wasn’t sure if I could. An iron clamp had tightened around my chest, choking any further response. I was looking down from a precipice, sliding and stumbling, about to tumble down. I dug deep to stem the tide of tears when she suddenly let go of my hands, only to firmly turn my face towards hers.

“But in this, you are in good company. I may think you’re a bit crazy, but I know I am. It comes with the territory. Henry, in this world… power never comes without a price. For us, that price is steep”

“There are people that could burn this entire forest to the ground before the sun sets in the sky. People that are suns unto themselves. They know fire so deeply it is a part of themselves. Indistinguishable from any other limb. But to welcome fire into themselves is to know the pain of its burn. It is to know the frantic glee with which it will consume and consume until all is ash.”

“To awaken is to see things in ways others do not. To see things we should not. We must peek behind the curtain and bring something back… but just as often we must leave something behind. Whole peoples have found their doom, seeking what you have found. To creep to the edge without falling is no easy feat. If you were to end up a little crazy afterwards… well, it wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.”

I wanted nothing more than to break away from her large brown eyes, but she held my head firmly in place, waiting for a response. “You keep saying that, saying that I’m awakened. How do you even know? It’s not like I’ve done…” It’s all I can do to throw my hands up into the air. “...anything.”

“Besides recovering from death's embrace in only a few days, you mean?” A poke to my chest drives the point home. “You don’t need to take my word for it.” Although the set of her face implied it better if I do. “Tonight should reveal a lot. Until then, my words are simply words. Maybe they will reach you, maybe not. What I can do is listen to what you have to say.” With that, she let her last hand drop down from my face. “So don't worry that I'll think you're crazy and talk to me.”

* * *

“That… does explain a lot.”

I had broken down and told Tolsti everything. It had taken a few retellings and a good deal of back and forth. Mostly to clarify what I was trying to say. Between bouts of tears that cascaded into shuddering sobs and my manic drive to finally have someone to talk to, I hadn’t done a great job. It was like a faucet had been turned on, rusty and sputtering at first, but flowing out freely soon enough. If anything, I applauded her patience. Surprisingly, she didn’t seem to care a lot about my world, instead focusing on sussing out a clear timeline from when I first arrived to when she found me. Questioning me here and there when something caught her interest.

I felt like I could float out of my shoes at any moment. A buoyancy that stood all the more clear when I thought back to the grinding worry and heavy stresses I had stewed in before. In hindsight, it seemed so silly. I felt this profound gratitude towards Tolsti, yet refused to trust her. Didn’t allow myself to believe she might take things in stride as she had everything else. I had set myself towards making the most out of the time available, but I was unwilling to ask the questions that mattered. Instead, trying to steal table scraps in fear of what she may think. Always one foot turned towards the door. Just… silly.

And now I had a crooked smile that I couldn’t wipe off my face. The sheer relief had me giddy in a way that I couldn’t help but bask in. I was so caught up in the stark relief that I nearly missed her response, the echo of her words bringing me back out of my head.

“That’s it? You…” I didn’t want to ask if she believed me. It felt cliche at best and insulting at worst. She was here and that was all that should really matter. Should, but the disbelief was a needling itch that demanded to be scratched. “Just like that?”

“Come help me with something. We’ll talk while we work.” Getting up with a long stretch, Tolsti guided me over to her side of the camp, near a small collection of her things. Grabbing a leather satchel, she motioned me to follow.

We moved off in the opposite direction of the stream, an area I had yet to see. I lengthened my strides to catch up and soon settled in beside her as we made our way through the woods.

Tolsti gave me a quick look before affecting a shallow shrug. “I hate to repeat myself, but things will be clearer tonight. I guess it all comes down to perspective. The more you see the more you can imagine. Where you once saw a few trees,” she continued, gesturing around us, “you can begin to view the whole forest.”

A sharp slap on my back followed. “Who am I to say what’s over the next hill? It’s a big world and I’ve stopped assuming I know what lies in the shadows.”

* * *

For the first time, the numbing monotony of the forest began to break. The relatively open spaces gave way to a series of obstacles: half buried rocks, rotting tree trunks and thick roots that burst from the ground, taking the surrounding earth with them and turning the footing to a more tiring and treacherous fare. Before long I was breathing heavily and struggling to keep up with Tolsti, despite her relaxed pace.

We moved in silence, giving me time to let the whirlpool spinning around my head to calm itself. It left me with an emotional and mental languor that began to seep into my body. An almost surreal state, as if the frame rate of the world had been turned down. At least until a splash of color caught my eye.

It seemed so out of place. A ferocious smattering of bright red, almost pink, that burst from a thin tree up ahead. A blossoming smear of leaves that dragged me out of my daze. Surrounded by the tall, earth-toned evergreens I had come to expect, the red hued tree was a glimpse of fire on a dark night. My interest piqued, I twisted my head side to side, catching more flares of red in the distance.

A rustling drew me back to Tolsti. Digging through the satchel, she removed a tiny wooden box before tossing the leather bag to the ground. Starting towards the nearest red leafed tree, she unhooked her hatchet and gives me a ‘come-hither’ motion. Following right behind, I notice a few details that I had overlooked in favor of the eye catching canopies. A collapsable metal bucket hung from a nail driven into the tree. Above the nail sat a small metal tube, poking an inch or so out of wood. Angled slightly downward, it had a clear liquid of some sort dripping out and into the suspended bucket. Was she collecting sap?

“What is that?” With a practiced ease, Tolsti removed the bucket before knocking out the nail and tube with the back of her hatchet. Opening up the tiny wooden box, she dug a finger into its contents and removed a sticky yellow bead which she used to close up the hole.

“Alden Wood Sap, a potent poison. Intense delirium, usually followed by loss of motor skills and eventual organ failure. Properly prepared though, it can be quite the useful ingredient. Intense, but very useful. Grab the rest of the buckets and bring them here. There should be three more in the area. And don’t forget to knock out the nails and taps. Be gentle with the taps, a little back and forth should do the job. I’ll be over to seal up the holes. Always good to leave as little a mark as possible.”

I didn’t want to ask the obvious question. For better or worse, Tolsti answered it for me. “Don’t look so uptight Henry, I’ll have everything ready by sunset. You’ll finally be getting the answers you want. Probably. Either way you’ll never see things the same way again. Now hurry up and try not to get any on your hands.”

Wonderful.