“Good, you’re arguably the worst fighter I’ve ever seen”

For a split second I consider a snarky comeback, but the ‘good’ qualifier throws me off balance. Not to mention, I don’t think I have the energy to do more than grunt in response, maybe muster a moan. The hateful woman didn’t hold back. I am thankful she quickly put away her hatchet, seeing quite correctly that it was unneccesary. She was fully capable of beating me back and forth without a weapon. With something between a grunt and moan, I stumble a few feet and collapse to the ground.

“Awkward, no fighting sense, and surprisingly weak, even considering your recovering state. But no bad habits to break since you don’t seem to have any to begin with. I can work with that.”

Laying face down, I breathe in the spicy sent of the pine needle covered forest floor. Happy to do nothing while I wait on the rush of endorphins to balance out the full body pain and mind numbing exhaustion. Over the sound of my labored breathing, I hear a series of light steps getting louder. A heavy thunk sounds near my head and I crack open my eyes to see a half full sack of water.

“Take a drink and a short rest. I’m going to have you work through some stretches.”

“Nooooooo.” The endorphins seem to be finally kicking in and the last thing I want to do is move.

“Okay. Your call. But fair warning: You’ll be waking up stiff, cramped, and in more pain than you can really appreciate at the moment.”

“Good,” I reply in a muffled voice, turning back to rest. I’m quickly interrupted as a swift kick to my side has me curling up and letting loose a long string of curses.

“I lied. You don’t have a choice. Get up before I start aiming for your softer parts.” A slight pause follows and I can feel her breath against my neck as she leans in close. “Or I can just drag you to one of my old shit holes and let you sleep it off. Your choice.”

With the disconcertingly specific threats hanging over my head, I gather up whatever tattered remains of energy I have left and pick myself off the ground.

* * *

I’m actually glad Tolsti forced me to stretch. It’s a bit tedious and painful at times, especially when she ‘helps’ by applying pressure or leverage, but it actually feels pretty good. A satisfying type of pain that’s kind of hard to explain well without coming off as a degenerate. It also gives me some time to think things over. To sift through the last day or so with a more relaxed mind, courtesy of an utterly exhausted body.

“Is this really necessary?” I ask, giving thought to one of my concerns. A sudden increase in the angle of my leg, which Tolsti had been ever so slowly raising up, serves as her answer. The sharp pain leaves me speaking through clenched teeth. “What I mean is, I healed so quickly the last few days, faster than I had any right to. So will I actually wake up bruised and beaten? Wouldn’t I just kind of heal over it?”

“No, it’s necessary.”

I give her a pleading look. By now I’m well acquainted with her penchant for brevity when answering my questions, but I was still hoping for more.

“Take a deep breath and turn to your right.” The new movement sends waves of discomfort down my hips as tight muscles are targeted. “I understand it’s annoying.” The confession catches me off guard and I try to look her way, but my position doesn’t allow for more than a peek of her short black hair. “You want to know more about what’s happening to you. And that’s understandable. It’s human. But there are reasons I don’t give you more.”

Excited at what I desperately hope is the prelude to more and not a dead end, I focus on deepening the stretch, scared of interrupting and changing her mind.

With a sigh she begins. “There are two things that are worth knowing, I think. Things I wish I were told.” Slowly lowering my outstretched leg to the ground she motions me to sit. “Close your eyes, spread your legs and lean forward. And remember to breath.” I feel two hands gently push down on my back, increasing the stretch beyond what I could manage on my own.

“Awakenings are deeply personal things. Not least because of the circumstances surrounding them. You have to open yourself to death. Let it in. And there is never a time that won’t be deeply traumatic. It has to be. That’s largely the point. By opening your heart to death, you open yourself to so much more.”

I’m happy to finally get a little explanation, but at the same time… I never really thought about Tolsti. If this was hard for her. What it means about her and her past. Going by what she’s said, awakening isn’t an easy price to pay. She’s so off handed about everything that It’s difficult to see her as anything but.

“It’s that specific experience, unique to each individual, which shapes their awakening. There are common threads between all awakenings, generalities that appear regardless of the rest. One of these is what you’ve just been through. A rapid period of healing. My master called it a gift from the gods for waking up from the great dream. I’m not sure how much I agree, but the fact that it happens is beyond reproach. If you can hold on and survive for just a little bit, you’re all but guaranteed to make it.”

“Which,” she starts, pushing down a little bit harder, “is why this is necessary. You are by no means guaranteed to keep healing at the same rate. In fact, I would strongly urge against that assumption. From what I’ve seen, it is highly unlikely to be part of your awakening.”

I don’t know nearly enough to dispute her rational, but it still irks for her to say so. Pain is so indescribably horrible. Something I never think about until I’m in the throes of it, and by then all I want, with every fiber of my being, is to rid myself of it. To go back to normal, free from suffering. Healing would be a godsend and I can only hope she’s wrong.

“And the second thing?”

“I’m not going to have all the answers. I’m not even going to have most of them. It’s something to keep in mind. I’m here to help, but not forever. And even while I'm here,” I can almost hear the shrug in her voice, “I can only help you find your own way.”

Her words send my stomach into a twisted mess and a thick knot forms in my chest. The thought of being alone again – it’s not something I want to dwell on.

With a final push, Tolsti gets up and pulls me to my feet. “We can continue this conversation later. For now, let’s fill up on water. Take the water skins with you.” With that, she tosses me two empty water skins, not sacks or bags as I had been calling them in my head. “I’ll stay here and build up the fire. There are a few other things I need to get done. Just follow the sound of running water. You should be able to hear it from here.”

I bend to pick up the water skins, but stop when I hear her voice again. The mid afternoon light reflects off her earrings and back into my eyes, so I throw up a hand to block the intermittent glare. “Take your time, but be careful. The woods should be safe in the area, but never get lazy and assume you are.”

I give a nod in her direction, gather up the water skins and set off with my eyes peeled.

* * *

The stream was closer than I expected, a little less than ten minutes at a fairly easy pace. The forest changed little from the clearing as I moved through it. Tall, straight Evergreen trees dotted the landscape, their fallen needles providing a comfortable walking surface. Here and there, ferns and other small plants grew where sunlight broke through the canopy.

The land itself was fairly flat and, while I could hear the running water, I didn’t see the stream until I passed through a thick cluster of trees. Popping off the tops, I fill up the skins while surveying the surrounding land. Tolsti wasn’t the only one with other things that needed to get done. I just needed to find the right place. Somewhere quiet and away from prying eyes.

* * *

Feeling markably better, I wash up in the stream and let out a contented sigh. The last thing I needed was to ask permission to go to the bathroom. A shallow dip in the land screened by some ferns more than served my purposes. An awkward waddle back to the stream and I was ready to head…

I look to my left, to my right and back again. The forest spreads out in every direction and I have no idea which way to go. I plop down and lay my head in my hands. Stupid. It was simple enough to get here, just follow the sound of the stream. But how am I supposed to get back? I didn’t mark my way and I have no tracking skills. I don’t even know what I would be looking for. Snapped twigs? Disturbed dirt? I didn’t travel too far from the camp, but the forest has this cookie cutter monotony that is doing a number on my head. It’s all so uniform, with little to orient yourself with. As if it could stretch on forever, or stop just outside your line of sight.

I dig my fingers into the pine needles and dirt, trying to work though some of my anxiety when I realize I forgot my dagger. Again. I need some way to keep it on me or I’ll continue to forget about it. Something to ask Tolsti about when I get back. I sprout a weak smile. See Henry, when, not if. Stay positive!

My syrupy encouragement, annoying even to myself, is enough to get me up and moving. Picking what I think is the general direction I came from, I hope for the best and start walking.

* * *

With a final swing of her hatchet, the nail sinks into the stripped wood of the tree. Just in time as the the viscous golden sap was beginning to flow out. The only thing left was to hang a small bucket from the nail and wait for her prize to drip down and collect. With a stretch, she stole a gaze upward to check the time, not wanting to be gone when Henry returned. She liked the kid, polite when the situation called for it and showed a good amount of respect. Maybe even feared her after their spar. It was nice to receive some proper treatment every once in a while. Too long she had been surrounded by people who made her feel well adjusted in comparison, no small feat.

Returning the hatchet to her belt, Tolsti checked the other tapped trees one last time, making sure they were properly set up. She didn’t need too much, but better to do this right. Normally she would hesitate to go this route, but she’d been away too long this time. The rest of the band would be gossiping like washerwomen. Little chance they don’t collectively decide to stick their noses in her business again. Yes. Much better to do this the fast way. She has been upfront with Henry from the start. She couldn’t and wouldn’t be there forever. At least this way she might leave him with a semblance of skill and her with some peace of mind.

Confident that everything was ready, she headed back towards camp. Mulling it over, she decided to skip the lecture she had planned. Basic survival knowledge: how to pick and prepare a proper camp site, collecting the right type of fire wood, how to start a fire, which plants to forage in the area and so on. She wasn’t a monster, despite everything Tectos had to say on the matter. Yep, Henry could take it easy the rest of the night. Feeling good about her magnanimity and with a skip in her step Tolsti wondered how things would turn out. Tomorrow would be interesting indeed.