“Gasp!”

Alright I’ve gone back in time again. Ah! I immediately spot the girl I’m looking for. Her hairstyle is rather unique isn’t it? I can’t quite describe it properly.

Long bangs at the front but the back of her hair is like a regular bob cut. What would you call a haircut like this? Half bob?

It’s rare that I’m ever fixated on someone like this. There’s something about her, I can’t look away.

And does she seem to be getting bigger? No wait, it's my field of vision that's shrinking. She’s just coming closer. No it’s not her that’s coming closer. It’s me that’s approaching her?! GACK!

I couldn’t see her clearly from far away so I instinctively walked towards her. Hurry! Think of something!

“Umm do you want to play basketball?”

Not good but not bad. Good recovery me. Self-five.

“I’d be glad to if you could teach me.”

Eh? Somehow we’re going to play basketball in the court at the back of the school. Away from the rest of the class. How did I get into such a situation? Calm down, me. It’s just a dream!

“Umm we’re here now.”

“Oh! Yeah! Let’s play!”

My voice cracked. I feel like dying. Please end me now.

“You’re funny. What’s your name?”

I made a fool of myself…

“I-I’m Zhang Shun, Zhang meaning Archer and Shun meaning good natured.”

“So are you a good swimmer, Archer?”

Swimmer? What’s with that sudden question? Is this how people break the ice? She called me Archer... That’s a pretty cool nickname I guess.

“I’m pretty good at it…”

“Oh. I asked because your name is Zhang Shun. Like the Zhang Shun from Water Margin, the White Stripe in the Waves, one of the 36 Heavenly Spirits and a great swimmer”

I am unworthy of so much praise. She’s looking at me expectantly now. I think this is the cue for me to say something? Ah.

“So what’s your name?”

Nice recovery Shun.

“My name is Li Jun Ling. Li meaning plum, Jun meaning truthful and Ling meaning spiritual being.”

“That’s. Not a name you hear every day.”

Her surname fits her though. She’s small like a plum.

“Right?”

She seems to be in good spirits. Alright, continuing this good mood!

“So you wanted to learn how to play basketball?”

“Ah yes. I wanted to play with the others but I couldn’t ask them. Thank you for going out of your way.”

Shy to boot. She’s an honest to goodness angel on Earth. This wave of cuteness, it almost swept me off my feet.

“To start off, I suppose I should ask what you can do.”

“I can dribble the ball and shoot a little…”

“Alright then let’s have a 1 versus 1 practice match here. We’ll know what to practice after seeing you perform. You can go first.”

She starts to dribble. She’s stiff but she doesn’t lose the ball when I pressure her. Her speed is decent, she can post up. She probably could be a starter for the girls’ team if she practices more. And as for her shooting…

Swish. A great fade away jump shot with excellent form.

“How did I do?”

She has such an excited look on her face again. This is cuteness given human form! She is the embodiment of CUTE!

“Great! You’re really good. You could be a starter for the girls’ basketball team right now! Nationals wouldn’t be a dream with you on their team.”

I wasn’t exaggerating just because she was cute. Few guys could post up like that and nail such a closely defended fade away like that. Her height would make her one of the shorter ones but that was alright. Her skills are the real thing.

“Thank you, Archer! I’ve had lots of time to practice by myself.”

By herself, meaning she has never had someone defending her shot before. And yet she could swish that?! So this is true talent. No. I can’t disrespect her skill and hard work by calling it talent. Now that I notice it, her ball is really battered and the leather’s almost gone. She must have practiced a whole lot for that to have happened.

Did this girl really exist in my class before? Why didn’t anyone take notice of her? Maybe this is why I’m stuck in this dream. To enjoy the times that never happened. All because I was always self-absorbed in my own world.

Before I knew it class was over. I managed to snag her number just before I left for home. It seems she was staying back for more practice.

Bye Archer, she said. Such a cute girl calling me by a nickname. My heart might stop.

When I went home, I immediately hopped in bed, eager for the next day. I hope this time sleeping doesn’t reset me.

It didn’t. The next day came. It was still February XXXX. Thank you for this wonderful dream!

Today we have physical education for first period! People in our class complain that our physical education classes are too close together but I don’t mind it at all. I can’t wait to play with Li again!

Right now, I barely even remember that this is all supposed to be a dream. Because if it is a dream, I want to enjoy it to its fullest. This dream where I have a friend and I haven’t broken my ankle.

Today, I’m going to compete with her for real. Yesterday was just practice matches. I can’t let a girl, a full head shorter than me, keep beating me.

Coming into the gym, I spot her sitting by herself on a bench, already dressed in her gym clothes.

“Li! Let’s play some basketball to warm up before P.E”

“Mnn!”

That sound she just made in agreement and that cute little nod… my heart can’t take much more of that.

Today, for first period, we don’t have any juniors using the gymnasium so we have free rein. Juniors have priority for the gym because of a heat stroke incident involving a grade schooler.

But today, our timetables don’t clash and the seniors get to avoid the scorching sun.

In other words, today Li can show off her skills in front of the class since everyone will be gathered in one spot. She’ll get noticed and she can get the chance to join the basketball team.

We talked to a few classmates and found a few girls who were part of the basketball club and asked if she could join. She got a tryout game and had a break out. She scorched the other team for 50 points. 50!

She was accepted into the team of course.

Somehow joining in the last year, she and her team went on to win Nationals…

Then we graduated. She became a national basketball athlete, I became a renowned artist. We got married, we got jobs and we had children. We were a family.

But that never happened. This is just a dream after all. Lately I’ve felt as if everything is a lie. I realized something. I might have friends and family in this dream world, I might even have everything. But what is the point of all that if it isn’t real?

I have to wake up. Sometime after meeting her, I began to stop thinking about going back to the real world. How could I dream of someone that I can’t even remember? There’s clearly something wrong going on here. I have to get out! Let me out!

As I was running to school, I saw an ambulance pass me by. Wait running to school? Where was I before? How am I here now? But all I feel is that I need to reach the school. But as I approached the school and saw the ambulance parked there, I felt a strange sense of foreboding.

There was a body. Teachers were called to identify the body. I volunteered but was turned down. She wasn’t in class either… Class? Weren’t we graduated? I can’t make any sense of what’s happening. My mind really, really hurts...

I left class to go look at the basketball court where we played. It was taped off. I snuck through the tape around the area. Each step I took seemed to get heavier and heavier. As if I were weighed down. No. It was as if there was a current pushing against me.

I noticed something in the hedges. Its colour was very similar to the hedges so I almost didn’t see it.

It was her basketball. That same beaten, weathered ball of hers. The same one I picked up on the last day of high school. I pushed my way through the medics and teachers to look at the body.

It was her.

Please let me out of this nightmare! I DON’T WANT TO STAY HERE ANYMORE! LET ME WAKE UP! Upon my wish, the world around me shattered and I woke up. This time for real. I woke up in the basketball court of my high school, clutching her basketball. No it was a dream. This could be anyone else’s ball.

That was a nightmare. I never want to go through that ever again.

“Thank you Archer.”

Huh? No way, that voice. Where is it coming from? I’m awake now aren’t I?

“I’m here, Archer…”

I’ve gone completely insane haven’t I?

Wandering left, wandering right. Slowly her voice got louder. No her voice wasn’t getting louder. I was getting closer. I was approaching her.

“Archer!”

By now I had wandered past the fence, past the hedges and had reached the river bank. Her voice drew me towards her, I couldn’t resist it.

And there she was, still in her P.E uniform, cute as ever. Could I still be dreaming? No. Li Jun Ling is real, she is not a figment of my imagination. It wasn’t just a dream. I just know it! But how, why?!

I run to embrace her but she pulls back immediately.

It hurts me slightly that she would react like that to me. But she must have a good reason.

“Don’t come any closer! If you touch me, I’ll possess you. If you’re confused, I’ll explain but please just stay there. I don’t want to hurt you…”

Hurt me? Why? How are you here? I don’t, can’t understand anything right now. What day is it? What time is it? What has happened?

“I, Li Jun Ling, drowned in February XXXX and became a water ghost, capable of possessing bodies. In order to fulfill my wish to play basketball, I entered your dreamscape while you were passed out on the court by the river. After I played one round of basketball with you, my dreams were fulfilled but you kept me there, trapped. Just because you wanted me to stay with you. In time though, I started to feel the same way too. But you got scared. Scared that I didn’t love you. Scared that everything was a lie and that your dreams were never really going to come true. So with no choice, I showed you the truth, Archer.”

I was the one who trapped us. I was the warden and she, my willing prisoner.

“I’m sorry, Archer. I’m sorry for deceiving you.”

She’s on the verge of tears. With my selfishness, I did this to her.

“No you weren’t tricking me at all. I knew it was fake all along but I just wanted to enjoy it.”

It’s true. Somewhere along the way, I thought it wouldn’t have been bad to live in it forever. Just being able to spend every day with her and play basketball without an injured ankle, I thought I would be happy. Then it somehow became even better. Marriage, dream job, children and a family. It was never messy or difficult and all my wishes come true.

But that is not how reality works. Reality hurts, reality stings and reality demands hard work. I realized it was impossible to truly fulfill my dreams while trapped in a place, where everything was handed to me for free and I panicked. But even after I panicked I still sorely bemoaned the thought of losing everything in my dream, especially her. Like a petulant child, I stubbornly refused reality and desperately clung on as long as I could. So to save me, she turned the dream to a nightmare and showed me the truth that allowed me to leave. The truth of her death and her dreams that would never come true.

With that, the door to the dreamscape was unlocked and both of us could escape from the dream world. After remembering my weakness, I slumped down not in relief but in utter exhaustion.

My head’s spinning so hard, and a migraine so extreme that I had never ever experienced in my life, hit me. I threw up. Not only do I feel physically ill, I’m disgusted at my own attitude as well. I ran away from reality and I ran away from the dream world as well when I couldn’t take it anymore. I’m… pathetic.

It feels like I just ran a marathon across the Earth and back.

“You’re exhausted because we were within the dreamscape for too long. Our spirits could have died.”

She just read my mind!

“We’re still connected mentally because of how long we spent in the dreamscape.”

So this separate feeling within me, this is Li? It’s oddly comforting while being slightly disturbing all at once.

I laid on the river bank for an undiscernible amount of time, trying to balance my thoughts and my gut. She seemed to be suffering too. She is just resting on the water surface, unmoving. She really is a ghost. Or I’ve gone completely mad. Honestly I’m scared of having to face either of those two scenarios.

… The atmosphere is really tense now. I don’t like having this atmosphere between us. My time spent with Li is supposed to be fun and carefree, not this gloomy and brooding.

“By the way, that was a pretty morbid question to ask in our first meeting, don’t you think? Asking me whether I was a good swimmer.”

I tried to alleviate the tense feeling between us. It isn’t working. The exhaustion and stress both of us are feeling, are feeding off of each other in some vicious cycle.

“Haha… It was pretty morbid, wasn’t it? But isn’t it kind of funny now that you’re in on the joke?”

She still banters back however.

“Yeah in a sick, twisted way, the joke is kind of funny.”

“Right? Hahaha…”

Where are we finding the energy to even talk?

After that slight banter we completely clammed up.

This is painful. I can’t find any approach. No open routes to her. I spent at least 40 years with her in that dream world, but I have no idea what to say now. In fact what exactly is our relationship at this point of time?

She is someone I’ve spent 40 years’ worth of time with. But on the other hand, she is someone I’ve hurt for over 40 years.

“I’m sorry, Li.”

“Sorry for what, silly? Don’t apologize for things that aren’t your fault. It was my fault for dragging you in in the first place, I got my just deserts for hurting you.”

No. In the end it was my fault. I placed the most burden on her for refusing to confront my lies. I kept lying to myself for over 40 years. And by doing that, forced her to keep lying to maintain the delusion of our dream world until I myself couldn’t take it anymore. I had been dodging my responsibilities and letting her shoulder all the weight.

“There was no helping it, Archer. Nobody wants to wake up from a good dream. To be honest, if you never wanted to wake up, I would’ve been fine with dying a second time by your side, trapped in that dream world forever. Thank you for finding my ball, for playing basketball with me, for marrying me and for making a family with me. All my wishes and more have been granted. Thank you for sharing such a wonderful dream with me.”

In sync, the same words slip from our lips.

“I’m glad to have met you.”

Despite how horrible both of us are feeling right now, it’s kind of refreshing isn’t it? Better than that sickly sweet fantasy.

…There isn’t much left to say is there. She’s dead and I can’t cause her any more problems than I already have.

“Are there any last things I can do for you?”

I can feel the tears welling up but I don’t want to cry in front of her. I can’t be the first to cry. I’m not the one who should be crying. I’m the only one here who can still make their dreams come true after all.

“Go have lots more fun, Archer...”

“I will have lots more fun… More than enough fun for both of us. And Li?”

“Yeah?”

“Thank you for saving me. I was feeling really lost after graduating and I felt like I didn’t know what to do. But you saved me from that. You gave me purpose.”

I need to say it. It’s now or never.

“Li Jun Ling, you are an honest to goodness real angel right now, lying on the water like that. You are the first person I ever loved. There was never a boring moment to be had with you around.”

“Archer… I know how much you wanted to say those words to me in real life but that’s a really cruel thing to say to a girl who can’t return those feelings. Well it’s almost time for me to go…”

“But what if I really want you to stay? Can’t God let this go just once?”

Why do I have to be so stubborn? Why can’t I let her go gracefully like a real hero?

“I can’t. Go finish your dreams for real this time, Shun. I’ll be waiting. I promise.”

“Please. Please. Please no. I’ve grown to rely on you for over 40 years, I’m not willing to let you go now.”

I can’t see anything out of my blurry vision anymore. All I can tell is that she is looking at me too. No… I need to reach her hand. If she possesses my body, she’ll be able to stay, won’t she? Take me instead! Don’t take this girl please! God! Are you listening?!

“I do love you, Shun. Please find true happiness this time because we were never meant to be. I’m sorry I couldn’t-”

And with that she disappeared. Before finishing her sentence. Before finishing her goodbyes. Not even a puff of smoke or a gust of wind.

Aaaa…. aaaAAAHHHHHHH!!!

I don’t care how pathetic I look. Please come back! Please! PLEASE! Don’t leave me!

I crawl towards the water where she was just lying. She was just here! SHE WAS JUST HERE!

Couldn’t what? Why did you leave me with such a cliffhanger? Please, tell me. PLEASE TELL ME! What did you want to say?!

I bawled like a child, although that should be expected. I may have spent 40 years in the dreamscape but my physical age hasn’t changed, my mentality is also still as immature as a child.

The best way to describe the current state I was in would be uncool, pathetic, childish, selfish and sad.

I can’t believe it ends like this.

All her likes, her dislikes, her hopes and dreams. She shared all of those with me. But did she ever love me? No, that is the one thing I am sure of. If she hated me, she couldn’t possibly have gone against her inherently good nature and kept up her white lie as long as she did. The white lie that was our reality. She and I, were both hopelessly in love. That at the very least was real.

The fact that I had to continue living in a world without her… frightened me. If I died right here, right now, I’d be okay with that. But I might not be able to visit her in Heaven if I do that huh… so I’ll keep living, keep struggling. To respect her last wish. Hopefully one day we can meet again, fall in love again and make a family again, but for real this time.

In conclusion, nothing had really changed since yesterday. A lover was there and a lover was gone. One minus one. Nothing was truly lost. Everything had just gone back to normal.

This story which started with me going to sleep had ended with ‘it was all just a dream’. The lesson for today? Learning to let go. And fulfill your dreams but don’t run away from reality.

But asides from those not so happy lessons, there is no happy ending with all loose strings tied today. No hero. No villain. Just a girl, her not really fulfilled dreams and her last wish: Make my own dreams a reality. How can such an unselfish angel actually exist?

To fulfill your wish, I will accomplish my dreams. That’s a promise I intend to keep.