《Youth Unsupervised》Chapter 16- Razor's Edge
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After that whole mess with Kataoka, and given my track record, it was my hope that word would spread that I was some insufferable asshole who thought relationships were a joke. If someone else asked me out, I was worried I was finally going to have to say no, and that scared the crap out of me.
Relationships just weren't in the cards for me, not at that point anyway, and that was fine, because they would've just gotten in the way of my only goal at that point, help the only girl I would say yes to and mean it. And also the only one who I knew would never ask.
I had finally made some progress on that front. I'd thought up a plan, or at least a few suggestions, but I was biding my time. Saki wasn't one to agree to anything easily, especially something that pushed her out of her comfort zone. This wasn't something that could be bought with strawberries either. I was going to need her to agree to try it based simply on her trust in me, which from what I could tell was fairly shaky.
It's not that my plan was hard. In fact, it was stupidly simple. I realized I'd been over thinking things. She'd been doing all the reckless things that she was used to doing, which was anything but the stability I thought she needed so badly.
Until now, our relationship had been balanced on a razor's edge. Would I pull her up or would she drag me down? It really hadn't mattered to me before. As long as we were together, that was enough for me, but I'd finally realized that wasn't good enough. If I was going to save her, the only direction was up.
I found the moment I'd been waiting for on a day in early autumn. I was on my way to school. As I approached the front gate, my jaw nearly dropped. Leaning on the wall to the left of the gate, was Saki. I blinked a few times while I walked, thinking I must be imagining things, but she didn't disappear.
"Did hell freeze over?" I asked, walking over to her.
She rolled her eyes and lifted herself off the wall. "No. You just died in your sleep last night."
"My afterlife is a perpetual school day?" I asked. "That seems pretty harsh."
She grinned. "Nope. Your afterlife is a day with me."
I smiled. "I'm in luck then. Sounds like heaven to me."
She chuckled. "Yeah. Yeah. Come on smartass." She punched me in the shoulder as she walked past. "We're going to have some fun."
"You're serious?" I turned to look at her, but didn't follow.
"No, I got up early to get a head start on academics," she scoffed. "Have we met? Yes, I'm serious. And since you got your panties in a wad last time I skipped, I figured I'd invite you along this time."
"Alright." I nodded and took one final look at the school building. "I have some things to ask you, but you have to agree to hear me out."
"What things?" she asked.
I smirked. "That would ruin the surprise."
She laughed. "Yeah, I guess I deserve that one. Alright, it's a deal. Now, come on."
I followed her across the street, away from the constant flow of other students. I assumed it wasn't going to take us long to turn heads. I was sure someone was going to notice we weren't going in the right direction. That was alright though. I'd gladly get chewed out if Saki accepted my ideas. I was guessing it didn't make a single difference to Saki. After all, she could've just come to my house to get me instead of waiting right outside of school.
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"Seems a little dumb to ask now, but you weren't going to invite Hiromasa?" I asked as we walked.
She shook her head. "I can get that wet blanket to do a lot of things, but I doubt I could get him to skip school once he was already there. Plus, he'd make a scene."
I laughed. "I guess that's true. What are your plans for today, anyway?"
She just smiled in response. I'm not sure why I even asked. I should've known better.
Our day started out on a train ride that dropped us at the edge of the city. From there, we made our way to the nearby temple, but instead of entering the temple grounds, we continued past it until we were at the beginning of a nature trail.
I took a look around at the trees that were starting to turn their beautiful autumn color. "I have to say, this is one of the last places I expected to be today when you said we were skipping school."
She smirked. "Didn't have me pegged as much of a nature buff, huh?"
I laughed. "No. I really didn't."
"The reason why will really freak you out then," she said.
"What's the reason?" I asked.
She smiled and folded her hands behind her back with her eyes closed. "Because it's peaceful."
She wasn't wrong. That definitely wasn't the answer I was expecting. Peaceful? This was Saki I was talking to, right? The same girl who delights in mischief and destruction?
"Come on." She jerked her head in the direction of the trail.
She started up the mountain and I followed alongside. She was right about it being peaceful. It had been a while since I'd been out of the city. I forgot how the air feels different, lighter almost, or how the woods have their own smell, especially in the fall, earthy and damp.
"Is this one of those rare days where you don't feel like putting your fist through a wall?" I asked.
She smiled and nodded. "You should be happy to witness it. They're almost nonexistent these days."
I was happy, but the feeling was bittersweet. The fiery rage that I usually saw in her eyes was replaced by something else- loneliness. Pain is pain. The way in which it is expressed is of no consequence.
The conversation during our walk consisted mostly of mindless chatter, like how pretty the trees were, or how pissed Hiromasa was going to be when he figured out we were skipping school together. I sent him a text telling him where we were, which I finally got a response to when we were a little over the halfway mark. There was a lot of name calling and whining in his message. I sent him back a picture of me and Saki smiling with our thumbs up. All I got in reply was a picture of his middle finger. He stopped talking to us after that. I guess he didn't find our picture very funny.
Uniforms and school shoes aren't exactly made for hiking, but the path up the mountain wasn't very tough going, so we didn't have very much trouble. The whole thing took under an hour and we were going at a pretty leisurely pace. Near the summit, there was a break in the trees that gave way to a large grassy slope. Saki stepped off the dirt path into the grass to take a look at the view, which was pretty captivating. The tree tops with different hues of green, orange, and red speckled their way down the mountainside giving way to the city below. You could see the whole thing from up there.
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"Wow," I said. "This is really great."
She nodded and sat down in the grass. "Clear days are the best."
I sat down next to her and she passed me a bottle of water from her bag.
"Thanks." I unscrewed the top and took a long drink.
She took a drink from her own bottle and we just sat there for a while, staring at the city.
"Do you know why I hate the name Higoshi?" she asked.
I turned to her. "Because of your father?"
She nodded. "Because I hate him so much for giving up on my mother."
I assumed he was also the reason for Saki's skewed views on relationships. I'd never met her father, but I'm pretty sure I hated him too.
"She wasn't always like that," Saki said, continuing to stare ahead. "She is the way she is because I am what I am."
"A monster?" I asked softly.
She nodded. "A monster. I broke her and now she yells and screams. Says things she doesn't mean. She feeds the monster and the monster grows bigger. Soon it will be all that remains and she will just be an empty husk."
I felt the sadness seize my chest and a lump grow in my throat. I expected her to be crying, but she wasn't. She just continued to stare forward with that same focused look she had those three years ago. I balled my hands into fists and fought to stay still. All I wanted to do was squeeze her as tightly as I could and kiss her until my lips went numb and we both forgot how to breathe, until there was nothing left in the world but the two of us.
"It's alright," she said, turning to me before I could think of a single thing to say. "All I have to do is hold out until graduation. If I can make it until then, she and I might stand a chance."
"Let me help," I said, trying to force my voice to a normal tone.
"Help?" She chuckled. "There is nothing you can do."
"That's not true," I said. "I've thought about this."
I couldn't let what she'd just told me eat me up inside. I had to stay strong for her. If I wanted to convince her, I needed to sound sure of myself.
She shook her head and started to get up, but I grabbed her arm. "You told me you'd hear me out, didn't you?"
She turned back to me without saying anything.
I took her silence as an invitation. "Do you remember what you told me before about shaking up my routine and doing things that I wouldn't normally do?"
She nodded.
"I think the same thing might be good for you." I finally let go of her arm. "I saw you that day at karaoke. You were having so much fun doing something normal. You can't tell me you weren't."
"I was," she said.
"What if we do more things like that? Instead of breaking or vandalizing things every weekend, let's do something every other high school student does."
She laughed. "Like going shopping or seeing a movie?"
"Yes." I nodded eagerly. "Exactly like that."
She rolled her eyes. "That sounds so mundane."
Stone skin Saki was starting to come back, but I didn't care. I was going to get through to her anyway. I had to.
"It won't be. I swear it won't be. Just try it for a few weekends. If you hate it, we can go right back to doing what we were doing."
Her eyes drifted to the side.
"Please, Saki." I leaned down and to the side so I could catch her gaze. "You helped me, now let me help you."
"Just a few weekends," she grumbled.
I smiled the biggest I think I'd ever smiled. "Thank you."
"Don't thank me for it, idiot." She shook her head at me.
"There's one more thing," I said.
"Don't push it," she growled.
"This one is simple. Instead of sleeping at that dump of an abandoned apartment building, you can come sleep at my house anytime you feel like you have to get away."
She smirked. "Want me to come sleep with you, huh?"
"I'm serious," I said, refusing to take the bait. "It's going to get cold soon."
She shrugged. "I've slept there in the winter before."
I sighed. "That does not make me feel any better. What difference does it make where you sleep? You just need an escape, right? Wouldn't you rather have a heated building?"
"Alright, already. God, you've gotten pretty demanding all the sudden."
I grinned. "Tha-"
She pushed her hand over my mouth and glared. "Stop saying that."
My mouth turned into a smile under her hand.
She clicked her tongue and took her hand away. "You're so annoying. Come on." She stood up and brushed herself off. "Your stupid face is ruining my view."
It was obviously a quicker trip down than it was up. Saki had already put her guard back up, and I was sure it was going to be a long time before I saw her drop it and open up again. I was thankful though, even if she trusted me just a little bit, it was something I could work with.
As I expected, Saki and I ended up in the principal's office the next day. It already felt stuffy in that small office because of his large desk and the overflowing bookshelves he had packed in there, but I think the air probably felt even heavier than normal with the principal and our homeroom teacher glaring at us.
When they asked us why we had skipped school together, Saki didn't have anything to say. I told them it was merely a means to an end. Mr. Nagashima had stared at me a long time after I said that, as if he were deciding something, then we were dismissed after a fairly long speech about responsibility and the importance of education. That gaze from Nagashima had not been lost on me. They clearly knew more about Saki's situation than I did, but I probably would have started to lose hair if I tried to put the whole thing together at that point, so I shoved it to the back of my mind with all the other stuff I didn't know.
Despite that mess, and the crap I was no doubt going to get from Hiromasa, I was feeling pretty good that day. Saki had opened up to me without any prompting, even if it was only for a few minutes. She had accepted my plan, even if she had been scared to do it, and even if it was on a trial basis, none of that mattered. It was going to work. It had to work.
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