EIGHTEEN: LOOT

"Listen, Nora," said Finn. "We didn't mean any trouble. They—"

"Ambushed you, I know. The Dungbarrows always ambush you if they think you look weak and you're not a human. It's kind of their thing."

"Wait." Lars blinked. "This has happened before?"

"Yep." She sighed. "At least once a week. More often if there’s an event that brings out of towners into Stranglehold, like—nevermind."

"Nora," Finn said as he stared at the spot where Dungbarrow's lifeless body had been mere minutes before. In its place sat a comically cartoonish pile of meat and bones. "We're—I'm sorry about the mess we've created. Listen, I know you’re the Sheriff and we’ve caused a bit a trouble in your town. But like I said before, we’re not from around here—not familiar with how things work. So, to keep it simple, what do we have to do to make this right?"

"Hmm," she considered. "Where were you three headed?"

"To the pub," Lars answered. His mouth watered at the thought of a cold beer.

“Well, I do enjoy a good ale from time to time, especially some of the house brews they have down at The Squared Circle.” She beamed at Finn. “Buy me a drink and we’ll call it square?”

Finn’s face, despite being as green as a ripe lime, went red. “Um…”

“Down here, elf lady.” Lars snapped his fingers.

“Half-elf,” she corrected. “My father is a human and my mother was a wood elf.”

“Whatever. Despite how much my young friend would clearly love to grab a cocktail or three with you, half-elf lady, we ain’t got no money. So we’re going to have to figure something else out.”

“Oh, yeah?” She crossed her arms and looked down. “Like what, weird looking gnome boy?”

“Boy? Shit, I’m a man’s man. And I don’t mean to be a dick about this, ma’am, especially since you just saved our bacon, but you killed the shit cart man. Like my friend said, we don’t know how things work around here, but I watch a lot of TV.”

“And?”

Lars grunted. “Lady, I’ve seen enough of the twenty-four news cycle to know that law enforcement killing a citizen never goes over very well. I suggest we all take advantage of this golden opportunity to forget that this ever happened.”

She stared at him for the longest time, then the corner of her mouth broke into a smile. “Fine. But only because of Biscuit. And the Dungbarrows will be back tomorrow morning. They always are.”

“Really?”

“Unfortunately. But that’s how things work around her.” She winked. “You’ll learn.”

Biscuit barked. “I’m like, totally, in love with this lady, dude.”

Lars chuckled as he glanced at the still red faced Finn. He mumbled, “I don’t think you’re the only one, Biscuit.”

Nora sheathed her sword. “Well, I have, um, some work to do, but… before I go. Uh, what’s your class, weird looking gnome? I didn’t see you with a weapon.”

He raised his fists in his best boxer’s stance. “I’m a fighter.”

"You know?" She chewed on her lip. “I’ve been looking for a fighter, but you are pretty… small. Have you picked a second class yet?”

He shrugged. “I don’t think so.”

“You, like, totally haven’t yet, bro. You literally can’t even until—but... what was I talking about?”

“No,” Lars said with a little more confidence. “Not yet. But I will.”

“Hmm.” She thought for a moment. “Nah, I don’t think it would work.”

“What wouldn’t work?”

She ignored him. “Well, I’m off—again. Please, please stay out of trouble this time. Okay?”

Lars nodded. “Will do.”

“And you, Finn? You come find me if you get your hands on some coin. I was serious about that drink.” She laughed and lowered her voice. “And don’t forget to loot your corpses. The Dungbarrows never have much, but you never know what luck will bring you.”

***

“Two copper coins and a poop covered scroll!” Finn snapped. “We killed three NPCs, and all we got were two copper coins?!”

“And a poop covered scroll. And technically,” Lars said as he looked up to the door of The Squared Circle. “We only killed two NPCs. That elf lady killed the other one.”

“Half-elf! And her name is Nora!”

“I know, kid. But it’s weird to call people their real names. That’s why I call you kid. Forget about that though.” He rubbed the two copper coins together. “Do you think it’ll be enough?”

“Will what be enough?”

“These two coins. To get a beer and something to eat? I’m parched as all fuck and I’m so hungry I could eat a damn horse.”

“Lars!” Finn sighed. “We need that money to get you healed, remember?”

“I know, but—”

“You should, like, ask him to give you one of those weird Monsters Energies he made, bro. His inventory is totally glitched out and he could blaze those things for days if he wanted to.”

Finn’s eyes narrowed. “Are you ignoring me?”

“No, kid. I was just listening to Biscuit. She says you should give me one of those Health Potions of yours. She also says you have a lot of them, I think. It's hard to follow her sometimes. She sounds like Jeff Spicoli’s twin sister. I think she might be the AI the Help Desk guy was talking about. Can’t you hear her?”

“Lars, have you gone nuts? Of course I can’t hear her! She’s a capybara.”

“Maybe I’m the only one that can hear her then? But then again I am the one talking to capybara, so I guess I could be nuts.”

“No, my dude. It’s, like, totally my fault. See, I ate some stellar munchies and Finn was totally crunching on my vibes, so I—hehe—muted him. Don’t tell him this, bro, but all his rubbing and smooching and whatnot, like, creeps me out, fam.”

Finn huffed and made air quotes. “Are you ‘listening’ to her again?”

“Uh, yeah. She wants me to tell you she accidentally had you muted… and that all your heavy petting creeps her out.”

“Not cool, bro. That’s a major party foul.”

“Holy crap!” Finn gasped. “I can hear her in my head. She sounds like… she’s smoked all the pot. Like, all of it. That’s insanely disappointing.”

“Not as disappointing as getting stuck as AI for you,” Biscuit bit back. “But since I am your proverbial spiritual guide, bros, I think I need to hit you with some bitchin’ notifications. Comin’ in hot, or whatever.”

Lars nearly fell backwards as text materialized in front of his face:

LEVEL UP

YOU ARE NOW LEVEL 2

ALL ATTRIBUTES HAVE INCREASED BY ONE

YOU HAVE LEARNED A NEW SKILL: DRUNKEN HAYMAKER

“Drunken haymaker, huh?” Lars said. “Pretty self explanatory, I guess.”

“Totally,” Biscuit said. “It’s a sweet skill, too. You have, like, a fifty percent chance to hit for double damage. You also have a five percent chance to miss and hit for no damage at all, plus when you miss you get a stupid one second cooldown before you can attack again. It may not seem like much, dude, but it totally blows when it happens. So I guess it’s kind of like taking a hit of acid in an unsafe place or something, not that I would know what that’s like or anything, bro.”

“So, it’s a high risk high reward move. Got it. What did you get, Finn? I saw you level up too.”

“Um, I got an increase to all my attributes, then I learned a new skill. A weid one, too. I’ve played a lot of Dungeon and it's one that I’ve never heard of before. It’s called… Hype Song?”

“Gnarly! Hype Song is a killer bard skill. Your entire party gets a bonus to constitution and charisma when you jam out. You’ll have to pick a specific song for the skill—or, like, make one up—but be sure that’s the one you want, dude. The song you pick is kind of like a homemade tattoo. Sure, it might seem like a good idea at the time, but it's best to sober up and make sure you pick something you can stand whenever you see yourself naked in the mirror.”

"Thanks for the disturbing visual." Finn nodded. “But let me think about it for a minute then.”

“Biscuit,” said Lars. “How come you can talk?”

“Well, it’s like that doofus back at the Help Desk said. I’m your AI. I’m really only supposed to, like, guide you two cats through the game, but something seems a little off. I totally shouldn’t be able to help you out like I did.”

Lars and Finn exchanged a glance. Finn said, “We noticed that. Can you tell us where we’re supposed to be going? Give us a waypoint or something?”

“Uh, yeah. But it would be useless.”

“Why?” Lars said as he chewed on his lip. “Why would it be useless? Are we not high enough level or something.”

“Geez, bros! I thought I was paranoid from the—nevermind. It’d be useless because I’d tell you to go to The Squared Circle to start your quest. And I don’t know if you forgot your glasses or something, but we’re, like, totally already here!”

Finn frowned. “I was hoping for a little more than that, but point taken.”

Lars placed his hands on his hips. “Are there any other tips you can give us? Anything at all? Maybe about what we’re supposed to do next.”

“Nah. I’m pretty much hanging out near the blacklight with you on that one.” She barked. “I do have a bunch of loading screen style gameplay tips I can pull up. You bros want one of those?”

Lars shrugged. “Sure.”

Words appeared in front of him again:

LOOT FAST. LOOT HARD. LOOT OFTEN.

AND DON'T BE THE BRO THAT FORGETS TO CHECK THEIR LOOT

Lars frowned. “What does that even mean?”

Finn sighed. “It means she wants us to read the poop covered scroll.”

“You got it, bro ham! And that's not just any scroll! That’s a lore scroll! Totally rad!”

“Lore is so boring, and I don’t want to open it.” The kid held out a clawed hand. “Rock, paper, scissors for it.”

“Don't worry about it, kid,” said Lars. “I’ll open it and take a look. Hand it over.”

Finn reached down and handed Lars the scroll. As soon as his hand touched the soiled parchment, it shrank down to a size far more manageable for him. He held his breath, rolled it open, and read:

LARS AND FINN,

I FUCKED UP. I TRIED TO MAKE THE GAME BETTER BUT I FUCKED UP SO BAD.

SPUD IDAHO

P.S. FIND STEVE AT THE SQUARE CIRCLE