“All squeaky clean now, boss man?” Botnik spun cheerfully in the air, as Tyrone stepped out of the bathroom wearing nothing but his birthday suit. The washing machine had blasted him with heated air to dry him off completely, so he didn’t have a towel to cover his unmentionables.

His skin glistening like polished bronze, and his bald scalp shined like a fresh milk dud. “I-I don’t want to talk about it…”

You have equipped: Razorboar Jumpsuit Armor! Info: Not only is it stylish, but this durable jumpsuit was also made from the hide of the ever-tenacious Razorboar! And just like that wicked beast this suit can take a serious beating; it’s thick hide can prevent most slashing or stabbing attacks from either claw or blade. Armor: 30. Effect: +20% Resistance to slashing and stabbing attacks.

You have equipped: Seasoned Adventurers Boots! Info: These are standard issues when joining the most prominent of Adventuring Guilds. They can handle nearly any terrain being completely water resistant, flame retardant, shock resistant, and provide excellent arch support! Armor: 10. Effect: Basic Element Resistance.

The jumpsuit basically looked like a leather jacket that was stitched seamlessly with a pair of leather pants, but the elbows and knees were padded with extra layers. Whatever a Razorboar was, it had a dark brown hide and skin that was like a shark, smooth one way and like sandpaper the other way. Surprisingly though, it was very comfy.

The boots were hands down the most comfortable pair of boots Tyrone had ever worn, they reminded him of the old-fashioned combat boots; back when they were made out of leather and needed to be polished. These were made of some sort of leather, but the texture gave him snakeskin vibes. Wait, snakeskin is leather, isn’t it?

“Aw man, I should have gotten a different color. I look like a UPS worker...”

“Don’t forget to take the Wuxia Pill!” Botnik reminded him as he flopped down on the bed. “It’s best to take it before bed. Rest up and wake up a new you!”

“Right, right…” Tyrone sighed as he plucked the small glowing pearl from his inventory.

Squinting at it carefully he marveled at the swirling blue liquid, it looked like a waving whirlpool was trapped within the marble sized pill.

“Best if taken dry, without water.” Botnik’s emoticon smiled at him.

Shrugging, Tyrone flicked the pill into his mouth. “Hmm, blueberry…”

“The cleansing process will be intense,” Botnik spoke up again. “Explosive diarrhea is a common side effect, but it’s passes quickly…”

“Wait, I thought the diarrhea was a sign of it not working right.” Tyrone interjected.

“Thats right.” Botnik chimed. “If it works right then you get a very upset stomach as the impurities are expelled from your system. But if it doesn’t go right then you don’t just expel out your impurities but also your intestines...”

“Enough!” Tyrone held up a hand. “I’m human so I should be fine right?”

“Correct.” Botnik said after hoovering silently for too long for Tyrone's mental well-being.

“If I wake up and shit myself to death, I’m going to use you as toilet paper with my dying breath,” Tyrone growled as he jabbed a finger in Botniks still smiling face. “... Let’s just go through the rest of the gear. You download the files to use the cannon yet?”

Magical Element Cannon: This is a tech companion upgradable weapon developed by the engineers of NexTech! This weapon can fire a wide variety of elemental discharges according to the ammo supplied. Can even fire unspecified mana blast when out of ammo. Cost: Minimum Mana to use. Recast: 1 second. Current Level: 1.

“All good to go! It was very kind of Nurkle to supply us with a hundred fire and water ammo packets, if we run out, I can just use unspecified mana bullets if we are in a mana dense area. Speaking of which, how are the new spells you purchased? The transfer of knowledge can be an uncomfortable experience.”

Tyrone pulled out the three spell books he’d purchased, the first two were about as thin as a magazine but the last was at least book six of harry potter thick. A twinge of excitement ran through him, he was finally going to learn how to do magic. Real magic! It was beginner stuff, but hey you got to start off somewhere. With a wide smile plastered on his face, he opened the first book.

The smile slipped right off his face as the words leapt from the pages, The letters looked completely alien to him but they did somewhat remind him of Egyptian hieroglyphics. He gaped in awe as the symbols fluttered in the air like butterflies and then they all froze and flew right into his head.

You have learned a new spell! Mana Dart! Info: A basic low-level long-range attack spell. Shoot a small portion of unspecified mana at a target. Use this spell often to increase its power and range. Cost: Minimum Mana to use. Recast: 1 second. Current Level: 1

“Holy damn, that was a rush!” Tyrone whooped. Even with his head feeling like it was being split apart and re-stitched back together, the understanding of how to manipulate mana was still exciting. Even watching the book poof into smoke was fun to watch. “Okay, two more to go baby!”

“Uh, actually sir taking a break would be…”

You have learned a new spell! Dissect! Info: This spell allows you to easily separate a corpse into more manageable parts. This spell can only be used on non-living entities. Cost: Minimum Mana to use. Recast: Instant. Current Level: Mastered

“Aw, that was a light one.” He said as he wiped his nose and blinked at the blood smeared on his hand. “Huh?”

“Please you have to take a break in between using spell tomes!” Botnik warbled. “Dumping so much alien information in your mind can be very taxing! Side effects including headaches, nose bleeds, loss of consciousness, and even death! This is all new to you so…”

“Right, right, I got it.” Tyrone waved Botnik back and lifted the last book. “Just one more, alright? This is just so fucking cool.”

“No, not alright! It's the complete opposite of alright actually!”

You have learned a new spell! Life Wisp! Info: A unique spell created by the Mage Academy of Roxelt’s. This spell allows you to summon a small wisp which will continuously heal you for a short amount of time. Only one wisp can be summoned at a time. Be wary, the wisps can be destroyed by outside sources. Use the spell often to increase its power and durations. Cost: Moderate Mana to use. Recast: 3 seconds. Current Level: 1. Effects: Heals Minimum amounts of health to target for 30 seconds.

Tyrone slumped over into the bed; his head completely numb as words flowed into it. A grin creased his lips as the words twirled and spun around him, his eye’s glazing over slightly as consciousness claimed him. “Knowledge really is power.” he said mostly into the mattress, his voice coming out muffled.

“I’m frowny facing so hard right now!” He heard Botnik grumble. “You’re lucky you didn’t fry your brain; did you know that…”

Tyrone wasn’t sure what Botnik said next, more than likely a lecture about nearly lobotomizing himself or something. Learning the last spell drained not only his mental compacity but also his stamina because it wasn’t long before he was snoring into the mattress.

The next morning was quite an ordeal for Tyrone as he woke just as the Wuxia pill was kicking into gear. His stomach made sounds he’d never heard it make before and then suddenly he became a fountain of bile as what he could only assume as impurities literally poured out from every hole. At the end, when all of his inner demons were properly expelled, he crawled into the shower and chose the highest setting.

Walking out of the nodes safe zone Tyrone felt like a brand-new man, mainly because he was.

"Well at least I learned that the Bubble Guts is an actual debuff status effect. Think Nurkle is going to be pissed when he sees what I did to that bathroom?"

"I'm quite sure he's going to have the entire room decommissioned."

You have successfully made your first steps into becoming a pure being! New innate abilities unlocked thanks to: Wuxia Pill.

New Innate Ability: Wuxia Energy Flow. Info: You can now not only sense the natural energies around you, but also control how it flows through you. You are now on the path to achieve your true self. Current Rank: 1 Effects: Natural Regen, you now regenerate all of your natural energy pools faster.

Checking his status page, Tyrone expanded the buffs tab and saw that the natural regen trait would boost his overall health, stamina, and mana regen two times over.

“Sweet Christmas!” He whooped.

But that wasn’t the only change. He now stood taller; it was as if he’d gained nearly a foot of height. His skin was now smooth and unmarked by years of acne and razor burn, and not just that he could swear that his vision had been improved as well. Both his mother and father wore glasses, so the pills must have cured his incoming stigmatism as ridiculous as that might sound.

He just felt stronger overall, it was different from when he levelled up. During a level up he would feel energized like getting a shot of pure adrenaline, but now he could feel that he had better control over his strength and power.

“Try to keep up.” Tyrone smiled over to Botnik, who was already warning him to watch his step as he broke out into a sprint.

The road ahead of them was full of obstacles, fallen over trees, abandoned vehicles, fissures tearing the asphalt apart, and even a few bodies. He leapt over the fallen trees, pivoted around the vehicles, skipped across fissures, and tried his best not to look too closely at the rotting corpses.

It’d take them quite a few hours to reach the city, but they were making up good time. Every now and then Botnik would alert him through their link of a creature it had picked up on its sensor, and Tyrone would either pick up his pace or dive behind a bush or vehicle until the monster stalked off. I don’t have time to waste on every beastie that comes my way. He thought to himself. Best to avoid fighting and just get to mom’s apartment.

“Stop!” Botnik called out to him, making Tyrone nearly trip. “Something isn’t right. Can you feel that? The mana energies around this area are very dense. Best to proceed with caution, buddy.”

Flicking on his thermal vision, Tyrone looked around in search of any hiding monsters. Earlier Botnik had mentioned that areas dense with mana usually attracted stronger creatures but he didn’t see anything. An idea struck him and he opened himself up to feel the energies around them using his new innate ability and could feel the mana pressing against him like a thick fog.

The area in front of them was a normal four-way intersection, what threw him off was how there weren’t any vehicles within it. “You’re right, this is strange. Look, there are cars down the street but after that first light post it’s completely void of anything… not even a splatter of blood.”

“Where are the bodies?” Botnik inquired. “It’s as if everyone just stopped driving, got out, and walked off. None of the vehicles are even crashed together like the others we’ve seen… Uh oh.”

As Tyrone stepped foot into the intersection a prompt popped in front of him.

“Aw, fuck.”

You have entered an Instance Dungeon! Warning! You can’t leave this area until the objectives are met, or you fail to complete them.

His body locked up and it was as if someone had flipped the light switch as the sunny day transitioned to a foggy night. When he could move again, the entire area had changed. It was now night even though it didn’t feel like any time had really passed, the street was covered in an ankle high mist, and a shimmering dome sealed them off to the boundary of the intersection. Just as Tyrone was about to ask Botnik what the fuck was happening, another prompt appeared.

Instance Dungeon quest received! Title: To Best Death! Info: This instance dungeon has a test for you and a few questions. How long can you last? Can you best death? Complete the objectives and proof yourself a true enduring soul. Objective 1: Defeat 0/5 waves of enemies. Objective 2: Survive for 5 hours. Optional Objective: Defeat Dungeon Boss 0/1. Rewards: Title, XP, 1500 credits.

“Oh! A title as a reward?” Botnik said as it read the prompt. “That’s a rare treat.”

“Rare treat my ass,” Tyrone snarled. “We’re stuck in this damn nightmare zone for five whole hours!”

“Not quite true, if we beat the boss that usually completes the quest and we’ll be allowed to leave.”

“So where is the-GAH!”

Tyrone shouted in shock as the ground rumbled underneath his feet and skeletal hands grasped his ankles, he reflexively tried to yank himself free, but the hands gripped down like vices and held him in place. With a flick of his wrist, he summoned his spear, but before he could do anything else the ground shook again.

In the center of the intersection a stone pillar erupted from the ground and standing on top of the pillar was a robed skeletal figure. Well not quite standing, the thing was actually floating due to the fact its lower half was gone. The robe it wore was a tattered piece of cloth clinging to its half-rotted corpse, its ribcage was fully exposed, some of its internal organs leaked out and dangles inches from the ground. Tyrone gaged at the sight of it.

Name: Lich Apprentice. Level: 8. Disposition: Angered.

“Trapped within the matrix of this accursed system, your death will be the key to my salvation and release me from this foul imprisonment.” The Lich’s voice was surprisingly deep considering Tyrone could easily see that its lungs were just dried up lumps within its ribcage. “Arise my minions! Kill this churl!”

At the wave of the Lich’s gnarled staff the ground rumbled again, and asphalt crumbled as five skeletons crawled free. Each was humanoid in shape and wore rusted out sets of armor, their empty sockets locked onto Tyrone.

You: Botnik go weapons hot. Put that new cannon to use as I get myself free.

Botnik sent an affirmative as Tyrone began to hack into the boney hands clutching his legs. Just above Botniks face screen, a panel slide aside and revealed a small cannon muzzle which began to fire off bb sized pellets that left red streaks as they shot towards their targets.

“Eat fire ammo!” Botnik shouted as he fired. Despite the cannons pellet bullets being no larger than a pea, they did substantial damage to the skeletal warriors. Already one of the skeletons had fallen to its knees as the fire ammo set it ablaze.

With a few swipes of Tyrone’s spear, a few more finger crushing stomps of his new boots, he was finally free.

Deciding not to let Botnik have all the fun, he took a step back and raised his left hand up in a finger gun shape, used his right hand to steady his aim, and unleashed his own new spell. Ping pong ball sized orbs flew from his fingertip and crashed through the nearest shambling skeleton’s forehead, the blow caused its skull to shatter, and its body crumbled to the ground like a puppet with its strings cut. Tyrone felt like Yusuke from YuYu Hakusho.

“Pew pew pew, motherfuckers!” He cackled as his hand turned into a magical semi-automatic pistol.

Though the mana dart spell only required minimum mana, firing off so many shots consecutively was really draining his mana fast, not to mention that he was still learning how to properly use the spell and missed nearly sixty percent of the time. But he did learn that he could charge up the shots before firing it off and it’d spray out like a shotgun blast, doing this actually helped him once a fully clad skeleton tried to rush at him brandishing a leg bone as a club.

The good thing was that the skeletons were very fragile, being that they were just bones. Some did wear armor, but it was terribly rusted armor with huge gaping holes and rusting spots that provided easy weak points.

The bad part was that they were inexcusably fast for things that didn’t even have muscle, but luckily for Tyrone there were some street dividers he could run around and a few vehicles he could use to provide cover. This resulted in a tiring game of cat and mouse until Tyrone decided that he needed to rework his strategy and climbed onto a dodge caravan to achieve some high ground. It was then he noticed the other issue, more skeletons were crawling out of the fog.

Glancing at the quest objectives, Tyrone grinded his teeth in frustration as he saw that they were still in the first wave of enemies. “We must have downed at least thirty of them by now!”

Being undead things, they didn’t fear death and just kept throwing themselves at them with reckless abandon. What started out as a small group had quickly evolved into a small army.

“Just how many is a wave of enemies!?” Tyrone shouted to Botnik.

“It varies, but most commonly a wave is about forty to fifty enemies. Though sometimes that can be- Look out!”

Tyrone was too slow to react as an arrow slammed into his right shoulder, causing his spirit gun to be thrown off aim. He nearly caught another arrow with his face, but Botnik flew down to intercept the arrow which harmlessly bounced off his shielding. Looking up Tyrone glared at the zombie archers in the rear of the undead mob, with a grunt he pulled the arrow from his shoulder.

The arrow was barbed, making him gasp in pain as it tore flesh and muscle on its way out. Thankfully his new healing spell could be done one handed. Automatically his left hand went through the spell motions and words of power spilled from his lips as a life wisp sprouted into existence above his head.

“You alright there, pal?” Botnik continued to fire at the swarm of undead, some had tried to climb on top of the van but were deterred after it shot a few skeletal hands off. “The longer we stay here, the worse it’s going to get. My fire ammo isn’t even setting them on fire anymore, the lich has reinforced them somehow. Have a battle plan to take down the boss?”

“Kinda feeling the opposite of alright,” Tyrone groaned as the healing energies of the wisp began to slowly knit his flesh back into place. “But this wisp is patching me up nicely. I’m cooking up a plan.” He lied.

Tyrone had tried numerous times to shoot at the damn lich, who was still waving his twisted staff about on his concrete perch, but whenever Tyrone’s mana dart got within a foot of him a shimmering green sphere would flare and absorb the shot. He had even thrown his spear at him, but that did diddly squat as well. They were screwed.

Another arrow flew towards Tyrone, this time he was able to dodge it. Face twitching in irritation, he summoned his weapon and heaved it at the shambling archer then grinned as the spear crashed through the undead marksman and caused a domino effect as it knocked into another undead bowman which then caused it to fire an arrow at a lurking decomposing axe man.

“A three for one!” Tyrone beamed. “And don’t worry,” he said as his spear appeared back in his dominant hand. “we’ll be out of here in no time.”