“Hello, could you spare a few minute to answer our survey ?”

I looked doubtfully at the imposing bald figure that faced me in what could be called an infinite white space. Still amazed as I was to have recovered my youthfull 20 years old appearance.

My naked 20 years old appearance to be precise …

Also without genital parts for some reason …

Those that started reading this story for the mature tag are gonna be disappointed ...

And … with four finger instead of five. Lost the pinky somewhere along the way ...

Now I will never be completely sure which finger to use when I flip the bird at people …

Aside from that, everything seemed in order. I had kept my height, around 1m86, my short brown hairs and my green/grey eyes. A quick check also revealed that the few scars I accumulated during my life had also disappeared, alongside my penis …

Also, apparently, I had lost 2 toes somewhere. I don’t know it that’s for the sake of hand/feet symmetry or what not, but I was also down to four toes on each foot.

The little pinky probably went wee wee wee all the way home ...

Ah yeah, before I forget, I also recovered my ability to move and talk !

Which feels pretty amazing after weeks of silent immobility.

Yeah .... I’m living it up people !

It thus took me a few seconds to recover my bearing.

To check the movement of my arms, making sure everything was working …

To get over the loss of my dear penis also…

May he rest in peace in heaven, he meant a lot to me. *snif*

My right hand is gonna feel lonely now …

They used to spend so much time together … *snif*

But I had expected such a situation after all !

Well maybe not the survey part ..

Nor the naked part … or the lack of pinky part ...

And definitely not the lack of penis part…

…

Ok, I hadn’t expected any of this shit, at all !

I thus magnificently willed myself not to freak out, which didn’t really work by the way.

But hey, gotta see the positive side too !

Those terrorist are surely gonna be goddamn disappointed when they get their 72 virgins …

*hum* Moving on ...

“Does it look like I have anything better to do ?” I responded, while throwing glances around to signify that there really was nothing here but him and me.

At least hadn’t lost my talent for sarcasm … I will give myself a good job for that.

“Perfect” He then responded cheerfully, either not catching the sarcasm in my answer or ignoring it masterfully. Cheerful tone which was quite weird by the way, since it was coming from an old 5m tall, scary looking, bald humanoid figure. It was completely out of character, but he didn’t seem to care as he continued with a “Let us begin then”.

He then clapped his hand, and a white set of stools and table appeared for him to sit. Another stool then appeared in front of me, suited to his size ... he then urged me to sit with a well mannered and distinguished.

“Please, have a seat” With the little inviting arm movement and all.

I thus climbed the more than 2m tall wooden stool, a feat that was quite taxing, even for twenty year old me. Well, twenty year old asthmatic me was probably a closer description ...

Aside from the strange situation involving the old man … figure … god thingy, my lungs were now badly trying to kill me due to this slight, momentary effort. After a moment to catch my breath, to the point where I wasn’t dying anymore, I made myself comfortable on the chair, leaning slightly on the table to give myself a serious, business like, vibe.

By the way, I was standing … on the chair.

And even while standing, my nipples barely reached the table ...

What ? It’s not my fault if that giant couldn’t make me a more appropriately sized baby chair …

Or a table lower than three fucking meter high. I would have to clone myself and stand on my shoulder to barely reach that height !

Still, I shall give myself a good job for that business pose, very professional given the circumstances. By the way, I also vowed never to do chair climbing again in my life(s) …

If I could help it at least …

After that, we stared at each other for a few seconds before he finally broke the silence.

“So, first question, where are you from ?”

What kind of question was that ? What do you expect me to answer ? London ? Europe ? The hospital ?

“Hum ... Earth, i guess … ?” I responded with a doubtful tone.

“... Just a minor world, I see ..” He nodded, continuing immediately with his questions.

Seems like that was a satisfactory answer … somehow ? Also minor world ?

“What was your name during your last life ?”

“Cyndric Einerson” That one was easy, much like me.

“So Cyndric, how was your death like ?” he said while taking notes.

“Unpleasant ?” I responded hesitantly.

“You know what I meant mister Cyndric”

I nodded, somehow I felt like pissing of the big guy was a very bad idea.

Maybe I should go easy on the witty responses ...

“I died peacefully in my sleep in an hospital at the beautiful age of 83”

Answer which he noted seriously while giving a nod.

If this was a test, then I was acing it people !

“During your life, how did you identify yourself as ?”

“On what level ?” I asked, not understanding the question.

“Every level.” He then responded with a smile.

That’s not fucking helping !

“Then as a … man … I guess ?”

“I meant more specifically” he said, still taking the time to make a quick note before answering.

I hate that guy ...

“A white skinned european man then ?”

He seemed to consider that for a moment.

“A bit more specific if possible ...”

I sighed, couldn’t that guy be more specific himself ?

“During my life, I identified myself as a white skinned asthmatic male programmer with hetorosexual preferences, brown hair, around 1m86 tall. Born in London, the capital from the united kingdom which is a country situated in Europe. I was born in 1993 from two loving parents, which soon divorced after making me a sister. Finally, I died in march of the year 2077, I don’t quite remember the exact date because I don’t give a flying fuck about it but it was a monday around 3am, if that help ... Good enough ?”

“... Well, maybe a bit too specific, but I will make do ...”

“...” Did I mention that this guy pisses me off.

“Any religious belief ?”

“I’m a die hard pastafarist !”

“Hum, I see, atheist then.” He said with a frown “Did you suffer of any particular diseases during your life ?”

“What are you, my doctor ?“ No, seriously, what are you ?

“Please, just answer the questions.”

“Well, except asthma, I didn’t really have any. Maybe back pain, I guess, but that was caused by my job and hobbies more than anything else, I can only blame myself from that.”

“Huuuum, I see” he said with a pondering expression “You’re not the first to mention that so I should probably have them fix that in the next patch. I shall keep it in mind”

“Hum, patch ?” What the fuck is that guy talking about, don’t tell me it’s one of those game settings story. I did not pay for that ! I want a refund !

Wait, I didn’t pay at all … shiiit, I’m screwed ...

“Nothing much, please just keep answering the questions. Favorite meal ?”

“Bolognese pasta but could we come back to the patch topic ?”

“No, no time for that, why was it your favorite meal ? I never heard of them being particularly tasty ...” He asked, seemingly interested in that topic.

“Well, it’s quite tasty, relatively healthy and extremely easy to do !”

“I see ...” He said with a disappointed look on his face “I shall write lazy among your personality traits, if you don’t mind”

“Honestly, I don’t give a flying fuck as long as you explain me what the fuck is going on at some point.” I responded, getting slightly angry at the attitude of the indolent giant. I mean, he ask questions all the time, can't he answer one of mine ?

“Huhum, will do, survey first” He said nodding “Now let’s see, what are we missing ? Oh yeah, could you describe the highest point of your life, your very best moment ?”

“Well, i’m not quite sure what to say ...” My life was goddamn awesome all along after all.

“Don’t mind me, take you time ...”

“Weren't you in a hurry ?” I asked

*sigh* “We both know that I just don’t want to deal with your shitty humor”

“Hey, I take offense to that !” I responded with an angry, fakely shocked, tone.

“... Well, to quote your own expressions, please be aware that I don’t give a ‘flying fuck’ either.”

Well, that guy sure know how to make a shitty comeback, I will give him that.

So, the highest point in my life …

“When I received my college degree, I think” I responded while putting the hand under my chin in a pondering manner.

“I see, why ?” He noted, not appearing too interested.

“Because I can’t think of anything else ?” I said, unsure of the real reason.

“Come on, you lived until 83, you can surely give me a better reason than that.”

“Well, not really, my life after college was usually a succession of boring days that looked alike yet were always slightly different … and after entering college I realised that my previous life sucked balls in comparison to my whole life during and after college.”

“Well, yeah, that’s what’s life is all about, high and low, but generally people mention their marriage or the birth of their children. You know, something more significant than obtaining a piece of paper with your name on it.”

“Hey, I worked very hard for that piece of paper !” I responded, fakely offended once more.

*sigh* “That’s not my point and you know it !”

Crossing my arms over my chest I then answered. “Well, I never married nor had children soooo ...”

To that he seemed interested, quickly asking.

“Why ? Were you ugly in your past life ? You didn’t mention any diseases earlier”

“Nah, I just kind of never met the one” I responded, shrugging my shoulders.

“... You’re really gonna give me such a crappy reason ?” He asked, frowning while leaning back in his chair. Forgetting it was a stool.

Not like he fell back or anything, the stool just morphed into a chair casually before he lost his balance. Yup, quite a let down in my opinion. I lost a chance to laugh my ass off...

“... Crappy or not, it’s still the best I got ...” I then responded, shrugging my shoulders. Feigning I had not seen his little look of uncertainty right before the stool morphed ...

*sigh* “Ok, I will just write that you had a very boring and lonely life” He responded, focusing on his sheet of paper.

Now that got me angry. “Hey, my life was awesome, I don’t care if it didn’t meet your standards. It’s written nowhere that a guy should marry and have children to have a happy life, that’s just your screwed up standards !” Seriously, feels like I’m back on earth, can’t people just take care of their own business ?

“Well, fair enough … I will add stubborn and loosy at social interaction too, while I’m a it”

“Great … just do what you want ... any other question ? ... While we are at it ?” I really want to get that over with and there is simply no point arguing with a god ...

“No, I was about to ask about the lowest point of your life but, considering what you told me about your life, this should do.”

“Great ... so could I please have an explanation on what’s happening and all that ? Also, I want to hear about that patch thingy !” That seemed like important stuff, far more than this dumb survey anyway.

“You’re quite impertinent for a mortal, you know ? Making so much demands and requests ... Generally mortal tend to beg for mercy when I appear !” He answer with a sneer while pulling a stack of paper from somewhere.

“Well sorry, I've been out of fucks to give for years already ! I don’t think I need to owe respect to people just because they’re five meter tall or call themselves god !” I said angrily “Also, I believe you owe me that answer, I helped you with your survey right ?” I finished, smiling.

“...”

“Right ?” I asked again, confused about the lack of answer and the frowning face …

Did I say something bad or anything ? I don’t think I mentioned his slutty mother yet ?

“Actually no, I don’t owe you anything at all.” he responded with a smile. “Also, the likes of you do owe me respect !” he then said with an insistent voice. Waving his hand he then said “Bye bye” as a big smile appeared on his face.

And a gigantic hatch appeared in the floor, just as the stool disappeared from under my feets.

And I fell because … well … because I can’t fly and gravity’s a dick ...