I said yes. His parents were home. He snuck me into his room. We were making out like we did thousands of times before. But this time was different. Because I knew he wanted to go further. He began to unzip his pants and it sent me into a panic. I had given him blowjobs before so why was I so terrified now? Because he wasn't wanting a blowjob. He was wanting something more. He kissed me harder and harder. It wasn't gentle or soft or relaxing. It was so aggressive.

His hands were running all over me, he was kissing my chest, slightly pushing into me but, I didn't get a reaction from it. He began to take off my dress for me so then I was just in my underwear. And then he took off his shirt so then he was only in his pants. I should be so turned on right now right? I wasn't even sure if I was. It was all just so happening so fast. But finally he stopped kissing me for a second.

His hand wasn't going onto my boobs or butt or anywhere else. He was sliding his hand up on my neck. He was looking at me with those kind eyes of his too. "I wanna feel your pulse and see how nervous you are around me right now." He was trying to be sweet. He slid his hand up onto my neck just trying to feel my pulse. Oh no. I watched his hopeful expression turn into a confused one. He pressed a little harder into my neck touching all around. "Huh, that's weird. Your heart rate isn't that fast." "Huh. I wonder why." I took a deep breath in. For the first time in my life I knew why.

I got home really late that night. Maybe three or four in the morning. I snuck in. Everyone was asleep. Or so I thought so. Robbie was sitting up on the bed with the lights on and everything. ''Robbie! What are you doing up?" I was so worried. He's a little boy he should have been asleep so long ago! "Why are you coming home so late?" He seemed angry. Had his little arms crossed and everything. "Are Gunnar and Nico asleep?" He didn't answer my question.

"Why are you coming home so late?" He was pissed. "Look you'll understand when you're older ok? Now get to sleep. Why are you even up?" I was too tired for this. I was just getting into my sleep clothes. "I wanted to know when you would come home!" "Why do you care when I come home!" "Because mom didn't come home one night!"

Oh Robbie.

I rushed over and gave him a great big hug. "Robbie. I'm not mom. I'm not gonna end up like mom ok?" He rested into me. But didn't say anything. "You know mom wanted to come right? You know that? She would be here if she could." She died in the hospital that night. She said everything was fine with her cancer. Said she was just going in for some checkups that night. But she didn't come home in the morning. "I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to worry you like that. I promise I'll tell you if I'm staying over somewhere or or or if I'm not coming until the morning ok? Ok? I'll tell you I promise ok? God, I love you so much." He didn't say a word. Not a sound But he nodded his head and that was enough for me.

I didn't realize how much I scared him. Or thought that I could scare him that much. I was so worried. I hadn't seen him so fragile like this. He never was. Not since that night. He was so young. To be perfectly honest, I didn't realize how much of mom he remembered. But apparently he did remember a lot about that night. I promised him I would tell if I was going to be out late or staying over somewhere. I promise I would do that. I truly promise.

That whole night had been something. And that something wasn't good. I felt guilty and sad and alone. I fucked up big time. I went into school on Monday morning quite solemn. "Hey Wes. Can we talk?" He was leaned up against the lockers. "Yeah." "Look, I'm so sorry about Saturday. Like I really am. I didn't mean to be mean or anything. I just totally panicked I just-" "No I was wrong to press you into something you aren't ready for. I get it."

"I'm just I'm sorry. Please don't be mad." "I'm not mad Lyss. I just think you're really beautiful and I wanted to be with you like that." "Thanks Wes." I gave him a hug. "I just don't want to lose you." Which was true I really didn't want to lose him. He was my best friend. "You're not gonna lose me. Ok? Sex isn't really that big of a deal." I felt even worse. He was such a good guy. "Look let's move on from this ok? Not feel uncomfortable about it because I have drama I wanna talk to you about." He chuckled. "Ok good. What's your drama?" I chuckled too.

"So apparently Vince likes this girl." "Vince likes this girl? Yes go on." "Her names Mary she sits in the very front of class in English." "Thong girl! The one who couldn't wear a pad because she was wearing a thong right?" "Yes! That's her." "Anyways, she's having a party this Friday and fricking Vince has been badgering me to go so he can try and talk to her." "That's it we're going." "Oh for sure." "How did Vince not tell me he liked someone?" "You've been pretty busy with the movie." "And with you. And with Amber." Not to mention every time I hang with him we just kind of focus on me. I feel bad.

"Amber? Amber Roselake Amber?" Oh goodness gracious what have I done? "Her and I talk on set sometimes." "You! Talk to Amber freaking Roselake no way!" "We work on a movie together dingus!" "Yeah well I know that but, you guys are like friends now? I thought you hated her!" "Did but, it turns out she is America's Sweetheart!" I made a fake voice and joked. "She's actually pretty cool and I like her." Oh fuck. "You like her?" Oh no no no no no. "Yeah I went to her house the other day. Fucking gorgeous." "Do you think you could like invite her out with us?" Wes was totally starstruck. "You mean invite her out with you?" "Lyss, you know I've been dying to meet her and we could invite her to the party on Friday and like you saw you guys are friends!" Wes stuck out his arms and was so filled with joy at this actually being a possibility. And I felt bad about Saturday. And Amber and are kind of friends. And she might have fun. Right? "Yea ok I'll ask." "Yes! Woo!"

"So did you do it?" Amber came waltzing into Roselake with some cheesy fries and a Dr. Pepper from that place down the street. We had agreed to meet here in the alley way for lunch. "Nope." She said down next to me. I took a fry. "How come?" "I don't know I just." "You just don't love him?" "No, no, no, it's not that. I don't have to love the person to have sex with them. And I'm not waiting to be in love. For me it's just the attraction part." "And what you're not attracted to him?" I sighed. "He asked if he could feel my pulse to see how nervous I was around him and." "Your heart wasn't racing because you're not nervous." "Bingo."

Amber, to my surprise, reached over and held my hand. I really liked it when she did that. It just felt so nice. So natural. She looked into my eyes. "I'm so sorry. Did you guys break up?" That's why she was looking at me. "He was sad about it. Clearly. But we're still together." She took her hand away and looked over at the cheesy fries. "That's nice." She maybe sounded a little disappointed about my response. I wasn't sure about it but maybe. A maybe was better than nothing. I needed to try. I reached over and I held her hand. This was the first time I ever initiated anything between the two of us. She turned her head and smiled at me. She began to brush her thumb on the back of my hand. I smiled at her too.

Her eyes were so gorgeous and blue and her yellow hair just was so silky. She was so feminine and angelic. The way she sat there in her hot pink mini skirt and black off the shoulder sweater was so girly. It was so attractive. I looked up at her. She had noticed I had been looking at her long legs. But she didn't panic. That just wasn't her. I bit my lip a little just looking at her. Her eyes went to my lips and then back up to my eyes. Three times. I think she had an urge to kiss me. I wanted to kiss her too but Wes, and what would happen, and would if she didn't actually want kiss me and I was just making this up ahhhh! I panicked: "Thanks for being here for me about this whole Wes thing." "Yeah of course." I let go of her hand and picked up a fry and then she drank some of the Dr. Pepper. Gosh it was awkward now. But I knew how to fix awkward.

"So like Wes. He ok has a crush on you." Amber pretty much spat out her drink she was laughing so hard. "Really! He has a crush on me?" "Yeah, you're his celebrity crush." "That's too funny." "But I mean who doesn't right?" I gave her a smirk. "He showed me the magazine with you on it. He thought you looked good." She smirked back at me. "Do you think I looked that good?" Goddamn yes. "Yeah." She I think blushed. "Anyways, I told him you and I like hang out and now he wants to meet you." "Oh my gosh." "Yeah. Whoops." "Like how would this go? Like us meeting each other. Like at a restaurant or something." "That reminds me. It would be at a party on Friday."

"A party?" "Yeah like you know a party?" "Ok yeah that sounds cool." "Seriously? You'll meet him?" "I mean we know each other. Might as well meet some more of your friends." "Ok! Thank you!" "But just so you know. I've never actually been to a party before." "Wait really? Actually that doesn't surprise me." "You're so mean I swear. But yeah I've never been to one. I mean for one I don't go to high school. I do online school. But I mean I've gone to things with a lot of people. But I 've gone to like birthday parties where everyone's instagraming the whole thing and my parents are there and like events for a clothes or makeup companies but never like one of the high school movie ones. You know where a crowd of people are drinking and smoking and making out all crammed into someone's house."

"My Christ you're so sheltered. I can't wait to expose you to the mess of my high school." "But like about that. Don't you think someone will recognize me?" "It's at night in dim lighting." "Amber Roselake, America's Sweetheart, caught drinking and doing drugs doesn't sound like a good headline." "So what I'm hearing is you're going to drink and do drugs on Friday?" "You're missing my point. And no. But I might drink just a tiny a little." "Just a tiny little?" "Just a tiny little. Look, I'm going to have to do something with my appearance just so people won't recognize me." "Just where a wig or something. But don't tell me you don't own a wig I've seen your closet." "Fine I'll find something."

Oh I really hope you do Amber. Because I was excited for that party. Nico and Gunnar were excited for me too. They both laughed at the fact Wes liked her. Robbie even thought it was cute. We were at that retro diner Frankie's like we always were. That same pretty blonde waitress stopped by again too. She took our order. "A cheeseburger. Miss?" "Thompson." "I was gonna say Miss America but works too." She giggled at Gunnar's comment. Blushing and smiling a crazy amount. She was really pretty. She gave me a smile looking into me. She then walked away.

"Goodness man just look at her!" Gunnar leaned over into Nico. They were both staring at her ass. "Guys knock it off. Don't demean her like that." "We're not demeaning her. We're just noticing her." I rolled my eyes at them. "She's so damn sexy." Nico said. "Beautiful. Please say beautiful. I'm sure she'll appreciate that more." Ugh they annoyed me sometimes.

But I still bought cigarettes for Gunnar at Wes' family's convenience store. "So?" He gave me a smirk. I knew what he was asking about. "Yes." I smirked back. "Yes! Wow! I'm about to meet Amber Roselake! Haha! Wow!" "Don't go leaving me for her!" I joked. "I'm so excited! Thank you so much!" He was so excited the rest of the week and he could barely drive he was so jittery and anxious. "I have never gone this far in the hills before."

We were driving to pick up Amber from her house of course. Who else lived in the hills? "Guys do I look ok?" Vince was in the back trying to fix his hair for this girl her liked. "Yes you do. And before I met Amber. This was as far up as I'd gone too." We pulled up to that modern home in Wes' little 2009 Honda. We looked like we were about to rob the place we looked so poor compared to it. We waited for a minute. I texted her and then I could see this dark red headed girl in a grey oversized hoodie and blue jeans set up. "Is that her? Is that her?" Wes was losing his shit. She was standing in the doorway talking to Amber's parents. I swore it must have been like a neighbor stopping by or something like that but, then I noticed those bright white shoes. Amber always wore those. Holy crap that girl was Amber? "Yes." "Oh my gosh I can't believe we're outside her house!"

It looked like she was fighting with her parents or something. She kept looking back at the car and them back at them. I saw her sigh and then take out her phone. A moment late I got a text: "Hey do you think you could come to the door for a minute?" Of course Amber's parents want whoever it is to come to the door. Jesus they were so formal! "Guys I will be right back she just needs me to talk her parents hang on." "Wait can I come?" Wes was so egger. "I will be back with her in like one minute ok?" "Ok."

I went up over there and put on the best fake smile I could. "Hello Mrs. and Mr. Roselake." "Hello Alyssa." "Where will you be guys be going to tonight?" "I told you mom, dinner and then a movie." "She can speak for herself." "Yeah we're gonna go to Sugarfish and then seeing a film at the AMC in Hollywood." I figured given the chance I could make myself sound more classy. They actually seemed to buy it. "Ok well when will you guys be home." "Amber and I looked at each other in confusion. Neither of us had thought this far.

"Ugh probably like 1." I mean it was already nine. "Well ok. Amber baby please have your cell phone on. The whole time." The mom then proceeded to kiss her on the forehead. Amber was so embarrassed. It was too funny. "Yes. Mom. Ok bye sweetie." They shut the door. Amber pointed at her hair. "Red headed wig so I don't get spotted. And my parents understand that. And I've worn this thing before. So they get it." "Ok Hannah Montana looking ass." She playfully hit me on the shoulder. But I still had to ask.

"Please don't tell me you're wearing that." That ugly grey hoodie that was. Amber smirked at me. She unzipped the hoodie and holy crap. I felt bad. I couldn't stop staring. I kinda understood what Gunnar and Nico were getting at the other day about that waitress. Amber had on this tight tight tight white tube top that just made her boobs look like they were so huge. "That hoodie was only so my parents would actually let me out of the house." "You look really good." "You think?" I kinda moaned the word: "Mhmmhmm."

"You wearing that leather jacket?" I unzipped it. I had on a black crop top. I could feel her staring. I was happy. "Yes. Because it's cold out." I joked. But she was still looking. "What the hell you have like washboard abs! How the hell did I not know this?" I giggled. They weren't that defined but they were there. "I don't know I played a lot of sports as a kid so I guess they just formed and never left." "Wow that's so cool. Can I-" "Sure."

I thought she was just going to poke at them or something but instead she put her hand on them. She had never touched me there before but I never wanted her to stop. Oh gosh I really liked it there. I really wanted her to go lower. Oh my gosh she moved just a tad bit lower. It felt so good. Oh shoot. I breathed really heavily and she felt it. Her eyes widened. I pretended to cough and sneeze at the same time trying to cover up my embarrassment. "Are you okay?" She kinda laughed. "Yup. Yup. Ok let me introduce you to Wes."

We walked up to the Honda and immediately Wes jumped out. "Hi Amber! It's nice to meet you I'm Weston. I'm a big fan." He stuck out his hand and she shook it. "It's great to meet you. Alyssa has told a lot about you." "Really?" "Yeah. You seem really nice!" "Thank you um here let me get the door for you." "It's really ok that's though." She stepped into the backseat with Vince and I went up to the front. "Weston really? Since when has anyone called you Weston?" I playfully joked with him. "You know what it sounds fancier." I chuckled and so did he and then we were off.

"Ooooo Amber this is Vince. Vince this is Amber." And then I playfully hit Vince. "You did not tell me you liked someone!" "Well I felt we had more interesting topics to discuss!" We both glanced over to Amber. Which was probably true but, still. He then started to look at Amber and then at me. Just shifting back and forth raising his eye brows. I was afraid Amber was going to catch on. "Vince! Vince! Knock it off." He then started laughing. "Ok what's this girl's name so I remember to embarrass you in front of her?" "Jasmine." He blurted out. Wes corrected him: "It's Mary." "Yes, ok her names Mary but you better not embarrass me in front of her. I need this to go right." "Don't worry we'll make you look good." "She's gonna be here tonight?" Amber asked. "Yup. It's her party that we're going to."

And the place was packed. Cars were lined up all down the block. Dark silhouettes of people smoking getting out of Ubers. People laughing and talking. By the entrance. The bass of the rap music was so loud even from the street. We parked somewhere along the field of cars, we left our jackets and stuff inside and I could tell Amber was nervous. We weren't in Bel Air or anywhere near anyone of those kindsa places. We were in a poorer seedier community and I could tell she was on edge. I swear she was like a puppy dog or something. "That's her. That's her. That's her." Vince was staring at some girl with a drink in her hand out front in the yard. "That's her?" Amber asked. "That's her." Wes replied. She had on some jeans and was laughing to some girl about something. Just a little too loud. We were coming across the yard when I gave Vince a nudge. She noticed. "Hey Mary. What's up?" And then Wes, Amber and I went inside.

"Wow!" Amber said as we stepped in. There were so many people. I knew Amber could feel it too. White vape clouds puffing out. The whole place stank of weed. Some speaker was blasting rap music. People with blue Coronas and sliver Bacardi in their hands. Not like Bacardi mixed into any drink just straight Bacardi. Mixing would be too complex for the teen around here. Yet colorful figures of people still danced on each other, talked, laughed. "Is it everything that you thought it would be?" "Yeah. Just without the red solo cups." But as we shuffled in more we saw people with them. "Never mind!" She called out. It made me laugh.

We got a little closer in. We hadn't been there some five minutes and some random ass guy shimmed through the crowd and approached Amber. Oh how in the world did he even see her? It's almost like they could smell her attractiveness. "Hey beautiful! What's going on?" This guy was clearly crossfaded yet his friends stood around him. Amber pretended to not hear him. I shot Amber a funny look and she returned it. And hell, Wes was just happy this dude wasn't hitting on me.

"What's your name?" This hair weirdo proceeded to ask. I swear he looked like a real life version of a troll. On the bright side, he didn't recognize her. And you know what I didn't blame him, she looked so good in that tube top anyone knows that. "My name's Tracey!" Oh how original Amber. "And thanks but, I'm not interested!" She yelled over the crowd. "What's there not to be interested about huh? I'm a nice guy!" He stretched out his arms with this gigantic smile across his face. "Look, I'm not interested in men!" Wow ok Amber. You go girl.