It was early in the morning. Early. I was missing class because I was waiting in my trailer. All my makeup was done, I was in costume everything was ready to go. We were supposed to be filming but SOMEBODY had to be pushing back ALL the scenes because SOMEBODY wouldn't come out of their trailer! The scenes were pushed back for another hour! And this scene was the scene I had to film with her! It was the first one where we actually had to be civil to each other and I wasn't looking forward to it. And she's still in her trailer! Oh man, I've had it with this Amber girl! She had been in her trailer the entire morning doing God knows what! Ugh! I looked out the tiny window noticing that her trailer is right next to mine. That's it.

I marched on out and stomped up to hers. I knocked on it three times violently. I was pissed. To my surprise the door swung open. I think maybe a part of me felt that she wasn't going to answer? I don't know.

But Amber didn't answer. It was a tall maybe fifty year old man with a neatly timed beard that was beginning to turn grey who answered. He was in a formal dark blue sports coat, khaki slacks and nice beige business loafers. I had no idea who this was. "Hi-" "Hi who are you?" I froze. "I-I." "That's Alyssa Barron, her co-star." A woman in her late forties came into the frame of the trailer doorway. She was of course in a clean formal cream shirt, business blue pants and very high black heels. Wow. They had money. They looked so trimmed and proper. So together. "Oh yes so sorry." The man was speaking very kindly and so was the woman. "No I'm sorry I'm just searching for Amber."

My eyes then landed on the teary eyed girl seating on chair. It was Amber. She was sitting on the edge of her seat. Her hair was all over the place and so was her makeup. All scattered and dirty. She was in a grey T-Shirt and sweatpants. It looked like she had been crying for some time. Actually it looked like she was still crying. I had never seen her like this before. She was always in some fancy expensive jacket I couldn't buy not unless I sold my soul. Or in that Mercedes of hers. I wonder what had happened to make her so upset. Something wasn't ok.

The woman then moved back to Amber and then the two began bickering. That must have been her mom and this must have been her dad. The dad just smiled at me as if what was going on behind him was not happening. Amber and her mom were not bickering loud enough for me to hear. Of course. I guess to maintain that perfect image of theirs to go along with their business shirts and loafers. No wonder why Amber was so image obsessed her parents wouldn't even just shut the door in my face to solve whatever problem their having. They were just pretending like everything is good. But I could see how Amber's lips were moving and the anger in her eyes. She looked over to me. It was the first time I ever saw her so vulnerable. The first time I actually felt sorry for her. It was like something changed inside of me.

"The makeup artist wants us to get ready. She says it's the final call." "Oh ok thank you!" Dad was devilishly polite. "Oh wait!" I heard the mom trying to stop Amber. She trying to fix Amber's cried off mascara. She just ended up wiping it all off. Why did the mom care so much about Amber's makeup? Why? Who cares? Amber dashed out of the trailer and shut the door. She stood a couple paces in front me not turning around. "So the makeup artist needs me?" "Yea I made that up." Amber turned around at me pissed.

Wow she looked completely different without makeup on. Tears were still coming out of her eyes. Her shirt was snot stained. I guess her mom didn't notice that. But Amber looked so tired and so broken. I did kinda feel bad for her. "Look I originally came over here to yell at you for holding everybody up. But when I saw your mom...and your dad...and I just thought you needed to get away." I was expecting a snarky comment from her but instead but instead she just looked me and wiped some tears out of her eyes. "Thanks." She was actually being ok. Tolerable. Although she kept glancing to see if anyone saw her. I had an idea.

"Do you want to go someplace and fix your makeup? Try and cool down." "Uh, yeah thanks." I decided to take her to where I knew there wouldn't be people. To where I felt the most relaxed and calm and where I some great memories. We walked down a couple sound stages until we entered sound stage 17. We walked around a couple old sets until we got to the one in the very back of the big warehouse. It was that old fake town my brothers had made two or three years ago. The one with old timey street lights, cobblestone road, windows and doors that led to nothing and the alley way. I used to come here so much to visit my brothers. Back when my mom and dad were still around. It was a calming presence being here. And I was hoping Amber would find it relaxing too. Maybe just the fact it was far away from her parents and from anyone seeing her looking not as together as she usually does.

"What is this place?" "My brothers are set carpenters. They helped build this place sometime ago. I guess they still haven't taken it down." We were a couple spaces away from each other on the grey cobblestone road. "It's really pretty. What set was it for?" "I don't remember but, I used to visit them a lot while they worked. I always thought it was a relaxing place." We walked over to the alley way and sat in it. We didn't talk. Amber just kind of sat there playing with her white acrylic nails.

"What happened?" She looked up. "If you don't mind me asking." "My parents are trying to make me move to New York to try and model too." And that's what she's upset about? Are you kidding me? "Why do they want to do that?" "Because it I'm not the lead in this movie." She looked up at me. But oh there's no way she's making me feel guiltily for this. I earned this part fair and square. "I don't blame you for getting the part. You're really good. I'm just not good enough. Or that's what my parents think. That's why they're trying to get me into modeling. It's another business."

"You'll be the lead in other movies." "Not something that's this big and either way it's hard to change my parents' mind." "So are you going to move to New York?" "Yeah, I guess so. I mean their smart at this kind of stuff." "But you don't want to move." "Of course I do not I've lived in LA my whole life but, my parents handle the media and my career. So I have to move." "I'm sorry." "Yeah me too. Thanks though for pulling me out of the trailer. I owe you one. And you know don't hate you right?"

"Your constant eye rolling and pissed off facial expressions say otherwise." "I was just mad because if I had your role I wouldn't have to move." "If you had my role my family wouldn't be able to pay off their bills." She looked up. "Yeah. I don't just drive that Corolla just for show ok? We don't make a lot. It's no secret. That's why when I got this part it felt like a God forsaken miracle." "It's not a miracle. You earned it." Amber might have just cracked a smile at me. "Thanks." "Yeah." "Look I'm sorry about earlier. I was just mad about not getting the part and when I saw you pull up in that car like you knew the place, I got even angrier. I guess it all just came out." Wow. She effing apologized. I was in shock.

"Thanks. I'm sorry too. And just so you know, I know I'm really lucky to be. And it did feel like a miracle because my life is changing so much so fast. I'm just glad I didn't have to sell Chad." "Chad? That's what you named your car?" She chuckled. "Yes! Because in all the movies I've watched the girls are all like 'oh chad' and 'I love Chad.' You know? So I thought it would be funny to named my piece of shit Corolla Chad. Because that's the guy girls fanaticize about: a piece of shit." "That was poetry Alyssa." "Thank you." The both of us were giggling and then the both of us were walking back to our trailers.

"Thanks again." "Yeah. Don't mention it." Her trailer door opened and immediately I could see the angry facial expressions on her parents when Amber walked in with no makeup. They were pissed once again about her image. I went into mine to get ready for the scene her and I had to film together.

In this scene, Tracey and Violet are supposed to be working on Violet's immigration case when the subject Miles, the guy they both love, comes up. The scene was at Tracey and Miles' apartment at Tracey's work table. I was in a beanie, grey t-shirt, worn out jeans. I kinda looked a skater I'm not going to lie. I was sitting at the table waiting for Amber. And then she came all in her formal white white white suit shirt and black lawyer law student looking skirt. Her blonde her was brushed and her makeup was put back on. She looked at lot better. A lot happier.

She took a seat across the table. I noticed a lot of the stage crew staring. I guess wondering what the holdup was. "Hey." I mumbled. "Hey." "Quiet on set. Ready and action!"

"Tracey is all this really necessary?" I skewered through the papers on the table.

"If you want to win this case we have to prepare at every angle."

"Look, I just don't understand why they care so freaking much! I was getting the drugs for our patient. I had no other choice! He needs them! What else was I was supposed to do! And they're going to throw me out of the country for them? I came here when I was two months old I didn't have a choice! And now I live a nice quiet little life! I obey the law. I go to work and I come home!"

"You used to be addicted to drugs, Violet."

"Yeah, that was also back when I was in high school when everybody did drugs and back when."

"And back when you were with Miles. I thought we agreed to not talk about this."

"Look I made some mistakes and yes Miles was part of the reason why I started using but Miles is not one of them. I really cared about him. He's a great guy you know?"

"Yeah, I know." She let out a sigh and looked at me with those eyes shaking. Mine began to shake too.

"I'm worried about this Tracey. I-I don't want to go back. Like I can't my whole life is here." My voice cracked.

"Hey." We both stood up and gave each other a massive hug. This was the first time Amber and I touched. She felt so soft and warm and she smelt like flowers. Her arms were wrapped around my back so gently and delicately. I almost forgot I was still doing the scene. We pulled away and were left staring into each other's eyes. My heart was racing so fast. This was much more emotional than any scene I had filmed with Zach. Much more passionate. I was staring at her. Just as how the scene was supposed to go. Her eyes, they were so big and blue. I saw her red lips quiver for a second. She doubled blinked. I think she noticed I was looking at her lips. But she didn't panic; but her lips trembled.

"Cut." The director called. I held still for a moment with her in my arms. She gave me a smile and I returned it. I could go from hating this girl to thinking alright of her in a matter of an hour. It was crazy. Maybe she wasn't so bad after all. Maybe I was just playing her up in my head. She let go and walked away so effortless. So calm. I think I had a bit more than a girl crush on her.

I needed to figure this out. This whole me liking girls thing. Or if I did like girls that is. I got home early from filming that day because we started so early in the morning. Gunnar told me he was going to take his lunch break and pick up Robbie because I wasn't sure of how late I was going to work. I went into my room and pulled out the Playboy. I had to figure this out. Elizabeth and that mom and then Amber. I needed answers. Like now. So I started taking Vince's advice. I started masturbating. I was looking at the Playboy, at the women, their curves, their skins, their arms. They did look really nice. I began to fantasize about them. Oh man I was really wet. Maybe I really did like them.

The door opened. I threw my hand out of my pants. Oh fuck no. "Hi Alyssa! Huh, what is that?" Robbie came running up to me and before I knew it he snatched the Playboy out of my hand. "No! Robbie give that back!" "Haha, haha!" He was racing around just like he did with my script that day of my audition. Except this time it wasn't a script, it was a magazine with a completely naked girl on the front! "Boobies!" Robbie shouted! "No!" I screamed in response. "Alyssa?" It was Gunnar in the other room. Not at the computer anymore. My paychecks were finally making a difference. "Alyssa! What is going on?" He called again. "Uh! Nothing." I wasn't able to grab the magazine but I grabbed Robbie. I pulled him into the bathroom and locked the door.

"Give it back!" "Why?" "Because it's mine." "Aren't these for boys?" "Alyssa!" I heard Gunnar yell. "Just a minute!" "No. Not always. Now give it back." "What were you doing with it?" "Nothing important. Now give it." He didn't budge. "Robbie!" "Fine." I got it out of his hands. "Don't tell your brothers anything about this. I know you're not very good at keeping secrets." "No am I!" "Then just don't tell them ok? Please." I took his hands and looked at him. "Ok but can we leave the bathroom?" "Yes. Yes of course."

Dinner was quiet. Frankly because Robbie wasn't very good at keeping secrets. He just sat there silent eating his spaghetti. "So Robbie what was it that you were shouting earlier?" Gunnar asked. And he wasn't asking in like a manner that he already knew. Like he did not know. He was genuinely asking. "Nothing important." Robbie mumbled under his breath. "Wait what was going on?" Nico, who wasn't even home during that situation, was very confused. "Robbie and I were just chasing each other or well I was chasing after him. He was shouting: 'that's mean!'" I figured that kinda sounded like boobies. In a way. I guess. Boobies? Ugh, I did really like staring at those women on the magazine. And that whole scene with Amber today. Oh man, maybe I was a little into girls.

Speaking of Amber. She came waltzing off of set after filming a scene. She seemed pretty chipper. She met me by the food table. I was eating some gross chips. How was it for an unbelievably expensive and professional movie they couldn't have better craft services? Amber was getting closer. I thought for a second she was just coming over to get a part of these gross chips. "Hey." She was actually trying to make conversation. Oh! Ok! "Hey." "The food's shitty here isn't it?" "Yea. It really is." "When's your next scene? Do you got an hour?" "It's little ways away and yeah how come?" "I was thinking we could go back to that old set you showed me yesterday. We could kill time until we gotta film." "Yea sure."

"So how many brothers do you have?" "Three. They're twenty-one, nineteen, and six." "Six? How did that happen?" Amber laughed. We were wondering around that fake cobblestone road. "My mom had Gunnar, the oldest, when she was twenty-three. And Robbie was also an accident." She laughed even harder. "Were you an accident Miss Roselake?" "No, Miss Barron. I was perfectly planned out. One child. That was all my parents wanted." "You're an only child?" "Yup, and no I don't want any siblings. I like having everything to myself." "So you're spoiled?" "Yes." "Wow. At least you own up to it. But are you sure you don't want any siblings I mean they're cool. I mean except for yesterday." "What happened yesterday?" We took a seat in the alley way.

"Uhhhh." I didn't know if I was comfortable about sharing that with her. I mean I literally just started thinking nicely of her yesterday. "It's ok you don't have to tell me I get it. I was really mean to you about my car and then about the part. I'm sorry." "Yea you were really fucking mean. But then again I was too. Sorry about cussing you out. I felt that might have been a little extra." "You think?" She chuckled. But then again who cares if people know if I like girls. But then again I don't really know her. Ok I have an idea.

"Ok so yesterday." "Yes?" "You can't ask anything questions ok?" "Ok." "My little brother, the six year old one, ripped the Playboy magazine out of my hands and was running around shouting boobies at the top of his lungs." "Oh my!" She was laughing at the top of her lungs. "I had to pry it from his grip. Ugh! Thankfully I stopped him before Gunnar could actually figure out what was going on." "That's hysterical!" Damn she couldn't breathe!

"Wait why on earth did you have a playboy magazine?" "I told you no questions!" "Ugh! That's no fair! That's probably the most interesting part." She bumped into me. Why did I want to tell her the truth? And why did I wish she would keep her weight pressed on me? "Umm, trust me it's not. It's not. I can assure you that." "You can assure me that?" "Yes. Yes. I can. Have you had any crazy embarrassing things happen to you Miss Roselake or is your life as spotless as the media makes it out to be?" Without missing a beat Amber just spat out: "I accidentally locked myself in a smelly porta potty at the carnival and my parents ended up having to get the security guard there to open it."

"What the fuck Amber!" I was laughing so hard. And so was she. "I can totally see your parents with the cream colored blouses and the navy sports coats just calmly talking to the security guard just calmly telling him the situation and then just you screaming in the porta potty. You must have been a scared little kid!" "Oh I wasn't a kid. This was last month at the Orange County fair!" "Amber! How! That magazine should have written a story about that!" "America's Sweetheart gets locked in a porta potty at age eighteen. Page three to read more!" She was cracking herself up!

I was glad she was cool enough to make fun of herself. "You saw that magazine of me on it?" "Uh, duh everyone has." "I love the photo that they chose of me. It makes my boobs look really huge!" I was laughing: "You care about that kinda stuff?" "Let's just say I know what people wanna see." "Your massive boobs?" "Yes! And with this gorgeous face! Duh!" I couldn't stop laughing. I looked at her. She was just straight laughing. Those pure white teeth. That smile. She was gorgeous. I really noticed that. I really liked this. And she honestly wasn't that bad. Maybe after learning that she learned all that bad behavior from her parents it gave me some sympathy for her. I'm glad she didn't hate me and I'm glad I didn't hate her anymore. She gave me a smile, looking into me. I felt butterflies. I guess you could say I was beginning to like her. I knew I was attracted to her but did I like like her? Or just like her?