What did I do?

What did I get myself into? I wasn't supposed to do it. I swore to him that I'll never be his queen yet I wore the crown myself. I swore to be the queen of Zaeris, his companion in ruling this huge kingdom. What was I thinking? Why didn't I stop myself? What took over me?

My act has proven to Arles that I can be easily scared. He'll use me again in the future. He'll threaten me to get things done in his way. My act has proven to him that I am weak and I don't have the power to stand up for myself.

He forced it upon me and I am easily accepting it- which I shouldn't be doing. I should be revolting against him, finding ways to destroy him but Vesta won't let me do it. We have different thoughts and feeling being the queen.

I am not ready. It feels like a shard of broken glass is being forced down my throat. On the other hand, Vesta is happy and satisfied to have claimed the throne. She always wanted power. She always wanted to be powerful. Her dreams are coming true while my reality is turning into my worst nightmare.

After the incident in the coronation ceremony, Ishtar and all the guests left. They were astonished by me and so was I but it wasn't me who was on the surface then. It was Vesta. She had the full control and she did as she pleased and now, I'd have to pay the price.

I watch the land covered with snow before me. I am back in Arles' room, trying to tell with my internal turmoil which continues to hollow me day by day. There's this despair and frustration inside me. I want to take it out in any form possible. I am suppressing this part of me deeper and deeper each day. It's suffocating me.

I hear the door open and close faintly behind me. I feel his presence in the room. The way the air buzzes with electricity and the way this tension builds around me. We haven't talked once after the ceremony. He's probably here to laugh at me, to remind me again how he could bend me as he wishes.

He stands just behind me as his eyes linger on me. His hot breath fans my neck and goosebumps erupt all over my skin. I close my eyes and swallow the lump building in my throat. I open my eyes and see his faint reflection in the glass of the window.

"Is it true..." I trail off as I fight to keep my voice steady, "did you really kill your family for the throne?" I voice my question. He sighs heavily behind me before his deep voice rumbles close to my ear, "Would it make you hate me more if I answer yes?"

His question hangs in the air as his words sink in my mind. Ishtar was speaking the truth then? Did he really kill his family? Am I really paired with this heartless monster?

I take a deep breath and turn around to look at him. I stood up for this man. I defended him when Ishtar was accusing him of the gravest of sins. I look him in the eye and search for the answer. He's looking down at me broodily.

"I have enough reasons to hate you, one more wouldn't do much of a difference," I tell him.

"I killed Zair for the throne," He speaks as he continues to look down at me pensively.

"He was your brother?"

"He was my half-brother," I am taken back by his words. Half-brother? But as far as I remember, the book never mentioned the king having another queen. He had only one queen and her name was Brida. Is he lying to me?

"And Ishtar was his mate?" I ask him further.

"She paired herself with Zair so that she could get her hands on this kingdom," He speaks. His eyes are on me all the time, watching me pensively. I am trying to make sense of the entire incident that unfolded at the coronation ceremony. I am curious to know more about the rivalry between Ishtar and Arles into which I have got myself involved too.

"Why did she pair me with you?" I ask. My voice falters as at this question and his eyes soften. The pupils of his eyes are dilated.

"She wants to get back at me by hurting you-"

"Then let her hurt me. Death is much better than being paired with you. And if..." I swallow hard and fight back my tears as I pick the next words carefully. I want to hurt him. I can't do that to him physically but sometimes words have more power than the actions. If I am to hurt him with my words then they should be sharp enough to pierce through his steel heart. "And if it destroys you then I am willing to get hurt by Ishtar,"

His eyes darken at my words while a tear escapes my eyes. He steps closer until our toes are touching. His breath is fanning my face. I am burning from inside. Vesta is clawing at me to take those words back but I meant what I said. I'd rather be dead.

He raises his hand before grabbing my chin and making me look at him. I feel one of his hands go round my waist before he pulls me flush against his body. My hands are on his chest but I don't even try to push him away because I know it won't affect him.

"If you want to destroy me then destroy my kingdom and my people. There's not much left of them anyway and you..." He trails off as he wipes the single tear away with his thumb, "I don't deserve you but if you think that death can take you away from me then let me tell you one thing, I broke the rules for you once. I am willing to break more again."

My chest is heaving up and down as he finishes speaking. I am looking at him in surprise while he's looking down at me fervently. The intensity of his gaze melts me away. I want to run away from him but he'll follow me. I am tied to him.

I clutch his black cloak before I bury my face into it and sob silently into it. I let the tears out. They've been pooling inside me for a long time. I hate how his presence calms me and makes me safe yet he's the person I hate and fear the most.

His hand rests at the back of my head as I cry, wishing that my depression and frustration could leave me in the form of tears.

"I wanted to see my family," I sniff as I continue to tell him, "But they're dead and..." I sniff more into his cloak. I can't destroy him but I can destroy his cloak, if that what helps me to feel satisfied, "and..." I tell him everything. He listens to me carefully as he sits on the bed and cradles me on his lap while I keep my face buried in his chest.

The room is silent except my silent sobs when I am done telling him. He keeps running his hand through my hair constantly while his other hand is wrapped securely around my waist.

"Why do you want to meet them after what they did to you?" He asks after a period of silence. I stop sniffing and contemplate. I wanted to meet them because they're my family. They raised me. I've been with them for the majority of my life. They mean a lot to me.

"Because they're my blood-"

"Blood never makes family, Nefret," He speaks and at this, I lift my head to look at him. The expression spread across his face says that he means what he said.

"It's easy for you to say that because you're not in my shoes," I say while poking an accusing finger in his chest. He looks down at me pensively before speaking, "I killed my own father and my half-brother. They were my blood,"

I stare at him speechlessly.

This man is something else.

~

As she cried in my arms, I drowned deeper and deeper in my sea of guilt. I know that half the reasons due to which she is crying are related to me. I caused her so much pain and trouble already. I couldn't help but hold her closer, wishing that somehow her pain and despair could drain into me.

I was taken away by my anger when I ended up marking her without her consent. For that moment, I felt like I've had the upper hand but when I saw her empty eyes and sensed the turmoil inside her, I realized that I've committed the biggest mistake. I regret doing it now. The guilt consumes me.

The choice should have been hers but I am afraid that she wouldn't have let me mark her then. I am so afraid and scared to lose her. I wish I could tell her. I just couldn't find the right words to put all my feelings in. It's so intense and unspoken of, sometimes I wonder if she could understand it without me telling her about it. Of course, she couldn't.

I want to apologize to her but I know what I did can't be forgiven easily. I don't deserve her forgiveness. Heck, I don't even deserve her. The way Nefret stood up for me, it melts my heart. She sprouted those humane feelings inside me that were long dead when I killed first. She plants new emotions in my numb heart.

I need her so much, if only she could realize.

The way she swore to be the queen, it makes me feel more blessed and proud but at the same time, I know that it was her wolf. Her wolf is doing it because of the mate pull whereas Nefret never wanted this.

Since I marked her, her wolf and mine are well connected and whatever affection she shows for me is due to the mate pull. Otherwise, she doesn't have any feelings for me except hatred. She wants to destroy me. She'd rather not live with me. It's not her fault. I made her feel that about myself and I am afraid that she might try to leave me again when she'll learn about my past.

The thought of her leaving makes me hold on to her tighter. Please never leave me, if I could say that to her.

"Nefret?" I call for her. She sniffs in response.

"Would you ever try to leave this place again?" I ask her while I cup her face and make her look at me. Her eyes and face are red due to crying. It takes some moments for my question to sink in her head before she asks, "What if I do?"

"I'll hunt you down,"