Never in my life had I seen Alexei so lost.

He made my bed look infinitely smaller than it actually was, sitting on the edge, staring listlessly at his palms again. He held them up against his thighs, staring. Studying. Regretting.

"Alexei." I called his name for the third time.

I expected him to be despondent, but he suddenly reached out, grabbing the back of my thighs, and pulling me forward until his forehead hit the middle of my stomach. I took his weight, cupping his head against me a hush lingered between us.

Seconds passed until I felt something warm against my stomach.

A slight tremor shook his body as the warm spot grew bigger.

Tears.

"I already know what you think of me." His voice was a low husk.

I took one of his locks, twirling it around my finger. "I don't think you do." I said softly.

His hands twitched against my hips. "Those men you stumbled across while we were in the mountains, they had a right to fear me. I'm not a good person...at least I try not to be. You...I'm unworthy of you."

I released him.

He lifted his chin, until I had a clear view of his watery gaze. The rims of his eyes were pink and shiny with tear stains.

"Shut up." I whispered, shaking.

Remorse fell across his face. He glanced down at his hands but not before I caught a glimpse of the lone tear that fell and soaked the sleeve of his shirt. He hid his face from me, curling his arms around his head as his shoulders still shook from the weight of his emotions.

"You are not unworthy of me. You deserve all of me Alexei Vasiliev." I closed the distance between us. I gently pried his arms away and tilted his chin up until his pink-rimmed ones stared back up at me. "You don't decide whether you're unworthy of me. You could never be." I reassured him, brushing away the shiny tracks along his cheeks.

"Didn't you hear what that man said?"

"I heard everything."

"You should be disgusted."

"Why? That you protected your baby sisters? That you trekked down your parents to stop them from harming anyone else, even when it killed you inside? Am I supposed to be disgusted that you dedicated a portion of your life trying to keep your promise to your parents, even if it meant that you would take their last breath in the end and kill something inside you?"

"I didn't want you to hear any of that. I didn't want you to know what I did."

"I needed to hear that Alexei and the only emotion that overwhelms at this moment is adoration for the things you did. You're selfless, you know that?"

"I'm not." He rasped; his voice broken.

I gripped his chin, feeling it tremble beneath my touch. I felt something tight in my throat as I straddled his hips at the edge of the bed. He stilled. I watched his golden brown eyes dart from left to right, studying my expression.

"Do you really want to know what I think of you?" I asked softly.

Alexei didn't speak but I felt his hands span along my waist, holding me.

Judging from his expression, I knew he was bracing himself for the worst.

"I never understood why you hated me at first." I started.

He flinched. "-You know I never hated you."

"I know, once you confessed everything I was surprised. I didn't expect you to like me at all and I had thought that maybe it was because I was a Rogue-"

He opened his mouth to speak but I covered his lips with my hand, "It's my turn to talk."

Instead, he nipped by fingers before he allowed me to get another word out.

"I'm not trying to make it sound like I'm the victim or that the reason people generally stayed away from me earlier was due to the fact that I was a lone wolf. I'm not ashamed of it and if I'm being completely honest, I think being a Rogue has helped me a lot. It taught me not to be afraid of loneliness."

"Solnishko." He buried his face into the crook of my neck.

"I learnt how to protect myself too."

"Of course you did, because you're-"

"-a badass bitch." I finished.

Alexei blinked in surprise. I felt the moment his body softened as he chuckled against me, pulling me against his wide chest. "-I was going to say strong but that works too."

"My hands aren't clean either." I confessed quietly.

Alexei slightly drew back, watching me. "What happened?"

I sighed, combing my hands through his thick hair. "Before I entered this Pack, I killed people."

Alexei's expression remained unchanged, but he held onto me, encouraging me to speak.

"Remember my Meemee?"

Alexei nodded.

"Human hunters killed her."

"Solnishko." Alexei rasped.

"I crossed paths with one of the girls who used to stay in the orphanage around the same time I had been there with Meemee. The first thing she did was offer her condolences. At first, I was confused but when she mentioned Meemee, I couldn't breathe. I couldn't fathom the one person in the world I wanted to protect so much had passed and I didn't have a clue because I was so busy running, to keep her safe."

Alexei pulled me closer into his touch, sliding his lips against my cheeks.

I drew comfort from the touch. "She told me where her grave was. I visited it." I admitted forlornly, "I never felt like a failure until I saw that small headstone with a single sunflower. She liked sunflowers Alexei. She wanted to get married with a bouquet of sunflowers. I promised her that I would gift it to her, but do you know what killed me Alexei?"

Alexei's misty gaze found mine. "Tell me."

"Her death date was the day after I left the orphanage Alexei. The whole time I was running, Meemee was already lost to me. I cried so much at her grave; I didn't leave it for days."

"When I could pull myself together, I looked into her death and found out that it had been human hunters who had kidnapped her from the orphanage. They took her because they knew her connection to me. She died because of me Alexei. She died because of me." I rasped, trembling from the onslaught of memories. "I had to find the people who hurt her. It took me years to find every single person, but I did. When I found and took down the few who killed her, I figured I would just die along with them-"

"-no Solnishko." Alexei buried his nose into my neck, holding me tightly.

I clung onto him, "-I didn't. Seamus saved me when he found me that night. If he hadn't scouted me, I don't know where I would be."

"I'm going to buy the man flowers." Alexei vowed fiercely against my neck, "And kiss his feet for saving you."

I broke into a surprised laugh, wiping the tears that had soaked the skin beneath my eyes. "No, Seamus might like it too much."

Alexei chuckled. I felt his smile against my cheek.

My wolf and I inwardly cheered, knowing that we drew out a smile from our mate. For a few minutes, I let the silence settle around us like a comfortable blanket. With my chin propped up on his shoulder, I drew circles on his back in soothing strokes. The longer I did this, the more he relaxed into my embrace. I heard him take in my scent as he nuzzled the spot just beneath my earlobe.

I counted each of his heartbeats as I drew a heart on his back.

When he didn't react to my ministrations, I drew an 'I' across his spine. Alexei still didn't react. I slowly dragged my fingers across his back again, outlining the shape of a heart. I held my breath, wondering if he was aware of what I was doing. When he didn't move or lift his head, I drew my fingers down his back, forming the letter 'U'.

I counted to three. Alexei didn't face me. He simply kept his arms around me, keeping his forehead against my collarbone.

I smiled secretly.

"Tell me about them. Your parents." I prompted gently.

He grip tensed for a split second before easing. "Y-you want to know about my parents?"

"They're a part of you and your story Alexei. I want to know everything about you. I don't care whether they're ugly or not. I want to know it all. You can trust me to embrace your darkness, just like you've been doing for me."

For a minute, he kept utterly silent, I was afraid I had scared him off, but I felt his lips kiss the base of my neck before he spoke.

"Their names were Lev and Anastasia, both from St Petersburg. Both Papa and Mama grew up there. They were actually what you would call high school sweethearts."

"That is adorable." I sighed.

"Back then, I thought it was disgusting. Little me couldn't comprehend the idea that boys and girls could like each other, to the point of kissing. I thought girls had the nastiest germs."

"And when did you find out we weren't so gross?"

"Probably my last year in high school but even then, I wasn't chasing skirts."

I pulled back, catching his sparkling golden brown eyes. "Really?"

Alexei nodded, "I really wasn't. I had some heavy things on mind at that point. That whole year, I sensed there was something going on with my parents. I thought they were going to leave each other because they were constantly fighting. Mama always cried herself to sleep and papa always paced the hallways in our home, quiet. They tried to keep their fights away from us, but I was always up late at night, studying."

"What happened?"

"I didn't like not knowing, so I eavesdropped on one of their arguments. I found out that mama was sick. It was something even the Healer couldn't help with. Her wolf was trying to overtake her human side. I was too damn oblivious to realise that she had been fighting her wolf for years. If I had known, I wouldn't had badgered her so much to shift into her wolf as a kid."

"Alexei."

"Being around you, it reminded me of mama. When I found out in the cabin that you had suppressed your wolf, it almost brought me to my knees Penelope."

I always wondered why Alexei had such a strong reaction to my being supressing the wolf.

Now, I knew.

"Mama knew she was at the end. She knew she wouldn't be able to hang on for much longer. She fought so hard because she didn't want to lose herself to the animal since we were still so young. At that time, Sascha was only three. Tatiana was a few years younger than me, and I had just turned 18. She also didn't want to give in either because she loved papa so much, she held on for so long in silence."

"Papa wouldn't allow her to suffer alone. He had been ready to go to battle with her. When mama's wolf took full control, papa left with her. The night before they left, papa sat me down and explained to me that he would be leaving. He couldn't let mama wonder off alone, completely controlled by her wolf. He wanted to keep her safe but also stop her from harming innocents. The day we lost mama; it was the same day we lost papa. He dedicated his whole to loving her. Losing her to her wolf broke him but he couldn't let her go alone. It was inevitable that she would infect him."

"And then it started."

Alexei nodded. "Babushka took us in. Sascha was too young to understand what was going on. Tatiana had become despondent at that point. It took years for both Babushka and I to get her to talk again. Although it pained her, she spoke of mama a lot. It was the only time Tatiana would engage. She told us all the stories she could about how blessed she was to have Anastasia in her life and how she named her after the youngest daughter of Tsar Nicholas II because she was portrayed as a head strong girl who laughed a lot. Babushka wanted her daughter to be just as vivacious as the young girl had been, so she bestowed that name to her only child in hopes that she would be an infant full of laughter."

"Anastasia."

"Anastasia Vera Belikov." Alexei whispered.

"One of the strongest women I know."

Alexei closed his eyes, resting his forehead against mine. "She would have loved the hell out of you Solnishko."

"If she made someone like you, she has nothing but my gratitude and respect."

He whispered something I couldn't understand but I could pick out the single word 'Solnishko'.

It wasn't long until I fell asleep dragging my eyelids low. I was ripe for sleep. I could even feel Alexei's heartbeat slow as he drew in long, tired breaths.

I guess tonight's drama had taken the last of our strength. I made a move to lift off from his lap, but he caught my hips. He drew his head back, catching my gaze. "You're really not disgusted by me?"

"Never." I told him, "If you bring this up again, I'll rip your balls off." I half teased. I wasn't going to allow him to even think for a second that he could even degrade himself either.

"Baby, my balls like to be caressed." He said quietly with mirth.

"Exactly." I kissed his nose before sliding off his lap.

Alexei groaned, landing flat on his back as he hid his eyes behind his forearm. "You're dangerous to me."

***

Jude motioned for McKenna to come forward.

The Pack Healer held out a deep purple concoction, encased in a large teardrop shaped crystal, closed off with a piece of fabric and thick strings. "This is the antidote for the poisoned changelings. It contains a little of the nightshade and if consumed, will feel as if it is burning the insides of your organs but it works. I've measured each ingredient precisely to ensure that not too much or little of the plant had been used in this treatment."

I was amazed.

The Pack healer placed the fragile glassware in the Alpha's palm before shuffling back, "It's good to go."

"We need to test it." Alexei suggested.

"I know." Jude replied, "That is why I'll be going out tonight to seize a changeling."

"No, leave it to me." Jamison intercepted, "I'll do it."

"I agree that it shouldn't at least be you." Alexei told the Alpha with meaning.

"You have a pup coming along. It's too dangerous for you." Emerys added.

"And I am the Alpha. I protect this Pack."

"You're a new father Jude. Think this through. Aella would not like it if you're going to put your life at risk, especially since she's carrying your pup. We need to exercise caution, for now at least."

"Jamison." Jude sighed, "I don't feel right letting you do this."

"I don't doubt our Healer's abilities. If she says it works, then it works."

Jude raked his hand through his hair, still reluctant.

"I know what I'm doing Jude. Let me do this. I won't die. I'm too fucking stubborn to drop dead." Jamison assured him. "Plus, I don't need your permission. I'm doing this because I want to."

"Stubborn to the core huh?" Jude raised a brow.

"You know how determined I can be." Jamison flashed his teeth.

***

"We should be named the three Musketeers or something since we seem to do this a lot." I told my two companions.

I could sense that Jamison so badly wanted to roll his eyes, but he took a quick glance at his side, seeking Alexei's expression. Alexei was too occupied scouting the area around us.

Jamison had driven us up here about an hour ago into the mountains. Sure, if we wanted a poisoned changeling, we could have visited the Blue Cave's old Pack grounds, but that spot was specifically too overcrowded with the changelings. We probably would be able to take down several but that wasn't our goal this time around. We had to be smart. So far, from our observations, the mountains didn't have too many of the poisoned wolves to safely complete this mission. We only needed one wolf and the mountains were our safest bet.

Jamison marched in front of us, whistling a random tune.

Alexei and I kept our eyes on the rustling trees, looking for a sign for a stray changeling.

Ever since we arrived, we had bypassed the cabin and went straight for the mass of trees behind it, hoping to see something.

Jamison began whistling a note higher.

"Why hasn't a changeling come yet?" I asked no one in particular.

"It's because they fear me." Jamison unhelpfully equipped.

Someone clearly needed a dose of humility.

I watched as Alexei put one knee down on the mulch, grabbing a fistful of it. He let the particles sift between his fingers before he repeated the movement.

"What are you doing?"

"A piece of fur or anything really."

"Do you think there's one here?"

"There has to be."

I touched the glass vial in my pocket, feeling the outline of it. McKenna had warned that the amount was only enough for one person and to make another one, it would take another two weeks as the nightshade needed to be fermented and dried before turning it into an antidote suitable for consumption.

We had to get this right.

"Let's keep going further." Jamison announced.

We followed behind him silently.

I jerked when Alexei's hand settled on my waist. "You're quiet." He noted.

"I'm just nervous. What if something was to go bad? We have only one antidote, enough for one person."

"We'll be fine. We've been doing this before we even had an antidote."

"I know. I guess I've just been high on my emotions." I reasoned.

"We'll be fine. Let's just get this done so we can go home. I have something I want to talk to you about." He said, pressing a quick kiss to my temple before catching up to Jamison who was assessing something on the ground.

I sauntered behind the duo, lost in thought. I scanned the forest. My steps faltered as I saw something dark dart between the trees. Alexei and Jamison had paused in their stride, exchanging a few words. They hadn't even glimpsed the moving shadow. Heck, I saw it, but instinct or intuition did not tell me that it was there. I only knew it was there because I caught sight of it.

"Guys, there's a changeling." I warned.

Immediately, they straightened, looking to the left where I pointed.

We had a split second before the changeling leaped, splitting them apart as it landed.

The changeling caught Jamison first, clamping its teeth on his sleeve.

Jamison made no move to rip himself away. The wolf took a chunk of material from his sleeve before snapping his teeth over Jamison's wrist. I watched in horror as the changeling sank his teeth into his forearm. All of my instincts demanded that I grab him and kick the changeling away, but this was the purpose of why we were here in the first place.

The attack only lasted a few seconds before Alexei sprang into action.

I followed suit, assisting Alexei to pin down the beast. It struggled beneath us, wrangling this way and that as it tried to gnaw on our limbs.

From my peripheral, Jamison approached. Blood coated his right forearm. He did not look affected as he came up behind the wolf. He signalled us to release the changeling. As soon as we did, he gathered his arms around the head of the animal and twisted.

I flinched as bone crunched.

Jamison dropped the limp wolf.