I took a long swig of water, feeling droplets of sweat slide down my spine. The sun burned bright. I had slathered on layers of sunscreen earlier, which made me feel all kinds of sticky.

Aella had called an hour ago to invite me for dinner. I would've gone if she hadn't mentioned Alexei's name.

After a whole week, he was back.

I wasn't too sure how long ago he returned but I hadn't seen him yet.

It was also largely attributed to the fact I was actively avoiding him.

As soon as I knew he was back, I left the house and left my phone on my bedside table. I wasn't prepared to see Alexei because the fact was, I was hurt.

I had so many things I wanted to say to him but all of it were things I didn't want to say in anger. I didn't want my first words to his face to be blades when we saw each other again. I needed a clear mind and until I was ready to pull on my big girl panties, I couldn't risk myself being too close to Alexei.

Hence, the space.

It also had been a while since I trained. My body was slightly out of whack because of the lack drills I'd done. When I had been a Recruit, I had filled my days with improving myself to be a skilled fighter. Aella helped a lot during those days but after she would teach me, I would stay a few more hours on my own to polish the things I had learnt.

Up until this point, Alexei too had helped.

As I drew in a long breath, I closed my eyes and just listened.

I thought of the reasons why it was so difficult for me to shift.

I finally had a Pack. Yet, my wolf made no attempt to surface at my will. The only times she surfaced were when I found myself in certain situations that disrupted the control between my wolf and I. I had no power over the shifts, which was pathetic. It wasn't just pathetic, it was dangerous. There would be times that I would need her, but when the time would arise, I wouldn't be able to do anything.

I had no control over my wolf.

I was baffled by it all.

Was my wolf punishing me in a way?

I tried to seek her out but as usual, I felt nothing, not even a stir in my chest.

It was like I didn't have a wolf.

The thought sobered me up instantly.

There had to be something else going on.

Although it was my last resort, I decided I needed to go see the Pack Healer.

There had to be something wrong with me.

The thought didn't upset me as I originally assumed it would.

Instead, my lungs filled with air.

This moment reminded me of the time Seamus found me bleeding out. It was the lowest point in my life. Briefly, for a split second, I thought dying right there would be okay. I would be fine. It wasn't like I had family or friends. I thought I had done enough. The bodies that surrounded me in scarlet stains back then were finally dead. The remainder of them took their last breath. I had taken it from them.

I used the memory to keep going.

I didn't think I would ever forget the stillness that came over me during that time.

I really had been prepared to go but something stopped me from giving up.

The last bits of the memory was a hazy mess. After I had picked myself up, Seamus had suddenly appeared in his fancy suit. He called me by name before the memory completely abandoned me.

For the next hour, I ran the circuit I mentally mapped out in my mind. I kept going even when I tasted blood.

***

I sensed him near before I could see him.

I held still, keeping my attention on Daisy. She held out her wonky crown of flowers with a small, toothy grin. She did a good job manipulating the delicate, white petals into a simple weave. "It's pretty, right?" She gestured for me to come closer. I dipped my head as she leaned over, placing it on top of my head. "You look like a mermaid princess now."

I held out my own crown that I constructed, slipping it over her head. "I think you have me beat now."

Daisy grinned shyly but her focus moved over my shoulder. Her grin broadened as she scrambled to her feet and darted to Alexei.

"How are you Daisy?" He asked warmly.

His voice tempted me to look over my shoulder, but I plucked at the grass, trying to look occupied.

"I haven't seen you in a while." Daisy said.

You and I both sister.

I muted my thoughts quickly. I was being rude.

The two chatted for a while. I hated that their conversation warmed me. His words were softly spoken, with a hint of mirth in his tone. Daisy giggled every few words, enraptured by the spell Alexei was no doubt spinning.

"I'm just going to talk to Pen for a bit. Is that okay if I steal her for a few minutes."

I chewed on my lip as Daisy gave in rather too quickly for my liking.

The traitor.

"Bye Pen!" Her little voice chimed behind me. I forced myself to turn and give her a little wave. She beamed before she ran off, her locks dancing in the wind.

Okay, maybe she wasn't a traitor, but I would have appreciated it if she at least tried to seem more reluctant leave me, especially in this particular Enforcer's hand. I was need in of a buffer. Daisy had been perfect.

"Can I join you?" Alexei asked, his voice carefully subdued.

I waved my hand to the space in front of me. I should've known he would find me, even if I was somewhere I didn't usually go to.

Alexei moved. He went to sit in front of me. I caught glimpses of dark denim and his caramel hued boots.

I started plucking the grass harder.

"Are you planning to mow this whole field by plucking it?"

There was humour in his voice.

I clamped my jaw shut, grinding my molars.

When I didn't reply, his hand tapped my knee gently. "Solnishko?"

"That's not my name!" I snapped.

I knew it was a bad idea to see him so soon.

Not when I was a walking bomb, waiting to erupt.

"Penelope. What's going on?" He asked, trying to take my hand in his. I snatched my hand away and glared up at him, genuinely surprised when I felt something warm slide down my cheek.

Fuck, I was actually crying.

Why couldn't I just cry when I was only sad rather than when I was angry?

Alexei looked completely alarmed. He eyes searched my expression as I dabbed away the tears leaving damp tracks over my face.

He tried to take my hand again, but I stood, holding my hands tightly at my sides so he wouldn't make a grab for them again. I used the material of my shirt to wipe the crests of my cheeks hastily as he rolled onto his feet.

"Come here Penelope."

I hesitated.

"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have been pissed at you. I'm so fucking ashamed that you think I would think anything less of you because you were a Rogue. The words that came out of my mouth about Rogues, I hate that I said it. I didn't want you to think about me being the Rogue Killer and when it came from your lips, I didn't think. The words just spilled, and I said shit that should've been locked up tight because they weren't true."

There was real despair in his voice as he continued softly.

"If you'd give me your eyes Solnishko, I want to apologise while you look at me and know the truth that I fucked up. Please, allow me this."

The knot in my chest loosened.

I gave him my eyes.

His wide chest stuttered as he drank me in greedily.

Our gazes held as he whispered his apology again, "I'm sorry Solnishko."

"I didn't mean to trigger something when I mentioned the Rogue Killer." I finally spoke.

Alexei nodded.

"I've never heard about the Rogue Killer before, even when I had been without a Pack. Are you really this person some people call the Rogue Killer?" I asked.

"I was the Rogue Killer, back when I used to be reckless. I had no sense of what I wanted to do. So, I chased after thrills. My thrill was going after Rogues, the ones that made it their life's mission to go after vulnerable wolves. For maybe three whole years before I became an official Enforcer, I hunted down Rogues. It consumed everything I did. I lived for the thrill to go after them, and they feared me. I...I enjoyed it."

"Those Rogues in the mountains sounded like they more than just loathed you Alexei. I could smell their fear."

"Because I made a mistake." He confessed.

I waited patiently.

"On one of my hunts, I came across a group of Rogues that had long submitted to the wild call of their wolves. They had been causing chaos to the surrounding Packs, I began to tail them. They left a trail of hell behind their paws. I trekked them down over the weeks because they were good at hiding, and they knew that I was coming for them. When I finally found them, they had been pestering a weak Pack that just recently officiated a young Alpha who could barely look after his own Pack, let alone protect it. The Rogues easily killed off half his Pack and almost went for the kid, but I came and killed them all. I was chasing the thrill again. It wasn't the act of killing that made my adrenaline pump but the fact I was ridding the world of one more black soul."

"And you saved the Pack?"

"Yes, after painting it red with blood." He admitted. "I still see the horrified faces of the Pack members that witnessed everything. Flecks of blood coated them, but they just watched on as I beheaded each and every single wolf."

"Then why the wariness in the Rogues I met?"

"I accidentally killed a man who hadn't been one of the mindless Rogues. He was just a man without a Pack. He was like you. He had been terrorising the Pack too, so I automatically assumed he was part of the dangerous Rogues. I didn't realise how wrong I had been until I took his last breath."

"How long ago was this?"

"A little over a decade."

He'd been carrying this burden for that long? Had he spoken with anyone?

"Alexei." I whispered.

"I was a reckless wolf Penelope but that day I took that man's life, I stopped chasing any sort of thrill."

"I'm sorry." I told him. "I didn't mean to bring this all up."

Alexei shook his head, running a hand through his hair. "No. I should have told you before. I just didn't want to tell you because I was mortified that I had been so stupid to the point a life was lost."

"You said the man had been terrorising the Pack?"

"Yeah-"

"-then how can it be your fault? If he had been going after an innocent Pack and causing trouble, it was only right you did something about it. Tell me, did you like killing those wolves?"

"Not the act itself. I always tried to give them chances, but it was always dangerous to hesitate. If I hesitated too long, it would only endanger my life. Each life taken by my own hands was always carefully thought out until the last possible second."

"See? It's not your fault. What was the man doing that made you go after him?"

Alexei opened his mouth but struggled to get his words out.

"You can tell me Alexei. Speak to me." I pleaded.

"He had a little boy in his hands...and a carved blade in the other. He made it clear that if no one listened to him, he would hurt the boy, so I retaliated. Before I could process the thought, I already hand my hands around his neck."

My heart hurt for him.

It was clear the event had tainted something in him.

"He was a were-bear. I should have noticed it but the lust for blood I had was stronger. I just saw the boy and the fear in his eyes. I had been across the field, simply watching but then I was in front of him, curling my fingers around his neck."

"You were protecting the boy Alexei."

"Yeah, but I ripped that man into pieces. I could've ended him quickly without the torture, but I wanted the pain to last. So, I took my time. He was still conscious when I ripped his arms off."

I realised the were bear was the very same one everyone seemed to whisper about when they spoke about Alexei. Whispers circulated that he had ripped a were bear with his bare hands. He never did speak about it but now, I knew he avoided the topic altogether because it haunted him. People always spoke in awe when they retold the story but now, I thought just how much it made his insides twist, remembering what he had done and what it had cost him.

The imagery made my belly cramp with nausea. Yet, there was one thing that made sense. "He was a bad man Alexei. You stopped that. The boy is safe today, is he not?"

Alexei's lips tipped up an inch. "I talk to him any free time I get. He's in his first year of college. He's a smart kid. He's studying medical engineering."

I grinned. "He's there now because you saved him."

Alexei dipped head from the praise. He didn't respond, struggling to accept it.

"Thank you for apologising." I said quietly when several quiet seconds ticked by. "And for sharing. I would never judge you for protecting someone from harm."

Alexei intently scanned my expression. However, a little wrinkle appeared between his brows the longer I remained unmoving in my spot. He noted that I wasn't exactly hurling myself into his arms. "If you've accepted my apology, why are you still holding yourself away from me Solnishko? What's going on? You're worrying me."

Now it was my turn to squirm beneath his scrutiny.

He didn't know about my Needing.

Just the truth Pen. Just say it.

"I had my Needing while you were gone." I whispered, avoiding his gaze.