Chapter 12

“Is he looking over here?”

I glanced over at the table where my crew sat, then back at Kyle.

“No he’s still talking to Nathan.” I told him with a shake of the head.

Kyle looked crest-fallen and I sought to cheer him up. “Maybe they’re just having an important conversation.” I tried but Kyle wasn’t convinced.

“I was so sure he liked me but no matter what I try he doesn’t really react.” He said then seemed to think about it for a second before looking up at me with wide eyes. “Shit, do you think he’s straight?” he exclaimed, his eyes darting to John, then back to me.

I stared at him in surprise. “How should I know? I thought he told you he was gay or something, you’ve just ben assuming this whole time?” I questioned in disbelief and Kyle’s frown deepened.

“I don’t know, I just went with my instincts.” He mumbled and I shook my head. “Plus he barely even talks to me, so there’s no way I can just go up and ask him if he’s gay…what if he’s not and I piss him off?” he continued then glanced at John again. “Have you seen the size of him?”

I shrugged. “I say screw John, I’m sure you can find somebody else, who’s actually friendly and decent and isn’t likely to crush all your bones with a single hug.” I went on bitterly, my hatred of John never far from the surface.

“God, imagine me getting a hug from him.” He shivered then his eyes went all dreamy and I turned away from him to glance back over to the table.

Like John, Nate hadn’t glanced my way since lunch started either, as a matter of fact, he’d been strangely distant all morning. He hadn’t said a word to me when we woke up; even after I’d practically chattered his ear off and when I asked him a question he’d answered in monosyllables or not at all.

At first I’d chalked it up to him just being a grouchy morning person, but as they day had progressed I’d changed my mind about a hundred times already.

“Does Nathan seem...different to you today?” I asked Kyle, who seemed to be having difficulty tearing his eyes away from John to face me.

“I don’t know…he’s emotionless, unsmiling, glaring at everybody…I’d say he’s acting like he always does.” He shrugged and I nodded slowly.

“But he hasn’t said a word to me all day and he was looking at me weird earlier.” I told him and Kyle rolled his eyes.

“No dumbass, he was looking at me weird…he probably thinks I’m out to steal you away or something. No offence dude, but I prefer my meat muscular, tatted and grouchier than a motherfucker.” Kyle said describing John perfectly.

“I’ll never understand what you see in John...he’s a dick and he hates me for no reason.”

“And I’ll never understand what you see in Nathan, he’s an emotionless dick who hates me just because I’m sexy.” Kyle said with a smirk and I chuckled.

“You’re such a girl.” I commented but Kyle’s response was to wink and turn his attention back to John…who still had yet to even glance this way.

“You know, I think we could round up a space at our table for you twinks...no point in letting all this fresh meat go to waste.”

I looked up in shock when I heard Beans’ voice and started pushing up from the table so I could get out of his reach. He stood hovering over our table, a smirk pasted on his pudgy face.

“Keep dreaming asshole.” Kyle said in a bored tone and I glanced back at my companion in shock.

“Shut up Kyle, let’s go.” I told him, pulling at his sleeve to get him out of the chair.

My eyes darted back to Beans who looked puffed up and ready to beat the shit out of Kyle, but Kyle remained seated…not an ounce of fear in his expression.

“You should listen to your friend boy, I’ve killed men for less.” Beans spat and my heart kicked up a notch.

Kyle shrugged my hand off his arm. “Why are you afraid of this tool? You know what I don’t like?” Kyle spoke, turning to face Beans, “Assholes like you who think you have the right to boss people around just because you got on a few extra pounds. Gimmie a break.” He said and before I could blink, Beans fist smashed into Kyle’s face, causing him to topple over.

He landed with a thud and a groan but was up again in a flash and seemed ready to fight.

“Don’t be a fool Kyle, come on.” I grabbed his shirt again and pulled and he turned to me for a second, “You shouldn’t let them boss you around Riley.” He said, shrugging my hand off again.

I was shocked that the entire cafeteria hadn’t noticed what was happening yet. Only a few inmates looked on; everyone else seemed caught up in their own worlds and I searched desperately for the sign of a guard.

“Hey Beans calm down, he’s an idiot, he can’t help it.” John suddenly appeared, stepping between Kyle and Beans as he said the words.

Beans, glared over at us, his eyes looking murderous but he spotted the guard the same time we did and fell back a step.

“You better keep them safe Johnny boy, because the moment I catch them alone...” he trailed off then and turned to make his way over to his table.

John turned to us then, looking more pissed than I’d ever seen him.

“I know you don’t use your head much, but if you’re gonna do something stupid, how about you leave my crew mate out of it?” John said to Kyle who stood, holding his cheek and glaring back at John.

When he walked away looking disgusted on top of the attitude, I turned to Kyle, “What an asshole.” I said, expecting him to agree but Kyle’s glare melted the second I said the words and his expression softened.

“Did you see that? He practically saved my life.” Kyle said in awe and I raised a brow.

“No, the guard saved your life, John was a jerk to you remember?” I tried to get him to understand but I knew I’d lost him when his eyes got all dreamy again as he stared off into the direction John had gone.

“I knew he had to care about me and of course he was pissed, wouldn’t you be if someone you cared about did something like that?” Kyle questioned and I stood staring at him in disbelief.

“I don’t mean to burst your bubble Kyle, but John is incapable of caring and why’d you do that anyway? Beans could have crushed you.”

“Because I’m sick of the way those assholes treat us. Like they can just walk all over us. Aren’t you?”

“…Well yeah but that doesn’t mean I’m gonna sign myself up for my own death.” I countered and Kyle rolled his eyes.

When he moved his hand from his cheek I could see that it had already started bruising. It was going be a nasty one by the looks of it.

“Shit. He hits like a fucking truck!” Kyle exclaimed then, scrunching up his eyes as he touched his cheek.

“How about you two get your asses to the table and stop causing problems for yourselves.” A voice spoke up. Eddie stood before us with his arms crossed. He didn’t looked too pleased and after giving him a sheepish smile I grabbed Kyle’s arm and pulled him along with me over to the rest of the crew, who sat watching our approach.

My eyes fell to Nate who didn’t even glance our way. John was saying something to him and he was nodding in response, then they both turned to glare at Kyle which just pissed me off.

Why couldn’t John just get a life!

I dropped down into the chair directly across from Nathan and Kyle grabbed the seat beside me. “I swear you’re a magnet for trouble Riley.” One of the guys said with a chuckle and I felt my face heat.

“Beans is a fucking joke; I can’t stand him.” Kyle said bitterly and when John snorted I glared at him but Kyle seemed to take it in stride; gazing at John as if he’s hoisted the sun.

I shook my head, glancing back at Nate who was watching Kyle with an expression akin to confusion, then as I watched something seemed to click and his eyes widened as he looked between John and Kyle.

He’d finally figured it out it seemed and when Nate’s gaze settled on mine; his brows lifting in askance I nodded.

Now we both knew that Kyle had a thing for John and I wondered how long it would take the others to realize it too.

I offered Nate a small smile then, happy to finally have his attention and at first he looked like he was about to return it but his face fell flat and he turned away from me, his mouth tightening.

I swallowed hard…confused by his behavior and without really thinking about it, I reached across the table and grabbed hold his hand.

“Are you okay Nate?” he seemed surprised at my actions but when he glared down at our joined hands I quickly let him go, realizing that the others had a front row seat to my little display.

My cheeks warmed and John’s eyes narrowed.

Kyle was the first to speak. He cleared his throat then addressed John. “Thanks for what you did out there.” He said; a smile blossoming on his handsome face but John being John cut it down pretty quickly.

“I didn’t do it for you so don’t get your panties in a twist.” He snarled and forgetting my problems with Nate for a while I turned to address him.

“Why do you always have to be such a dick? Didn’t you get enough of that in your lifetime?” I shot back and Nathan pulled John back into his chair when he made to lounge toward me.

“I don’t know what Kyle even sees in you, you’re nothing but a sad excuse for a human being and one day karma is gonna find your ass and I hope I get a front row seat to all the shit it’s gonna dish out.” I retorted.

It wasn’t until I finished my tirade that I realized I’d just outed Kyle and I glanced over at him wide-eyed.

“Oh shit.” I said, covering my mouth but it was John’s expression that took the cake.

He looked at Kyle in shock, then he looked at the others at the table who were just as surprised by my outburst before he settled back into the chair to glare at me.

“You just outed your friend and I’m the dick?” he said calmly and I felt the shame burn through me at his words.

“At least he has the balls to say what’s on his mind!’ Kyle spoke up, surprising me when he came to my defense. “Riley just told you I like you and you can’t even look at me. Are you gay or not?” Kyle asked then and I swear this table had never had such a drama filled meal.

We all glanced at John who was now looking at Kyle as if he wanted to reach across the table and pummel him. Then he glanced at Nate who shrugged in answer and I wondered what strange silent question had passed between them.

I turned to look at my friend who had his gaze focused entirely on John but to my surprise John had no retort to offer. We all watched as he took up his fork and continued his meal as if no bombs had just been dropped.

“How about we just get back to our fucking food.” He mumbled after a few minutes of silence passed and just like that, the others turned away from him, and the scraping of utensils sounded.

Kyle turned to me then and I saw the hope shining in his eyes as a small smile formed on his lips. I think we had our answer.

………………………………..

~One day later~

I hated mopping floors. Give me kitchen duty, let me rake up leaves in the prison yard, I’d even clean the damn bathrooms, anything but mopping floors; especially when Nathan was just a few feet away and I wasn’t allowed to talk to him.

I knew he was moody; everyone knew, but to be completely ignoring me when I’d done absolutely nothing to deserve it? I just couldn’t understand him. I’d tried to have a conversation with him the night before but after giving me the usual one worded answers then brushing me off altogether he’d hopped up onto his bunk and promptly gone to sleep.

After weeks of sleeping together he’d just completely disregarded me and in turn hurt my feelings. I’d tried talking about it with Kyle but he had just about as many answers as I did, plus he had his own ‘John issues’ to sort out.

I sighed, running the mop over the same stain patch I’d been trying to clean for the past five minutes. It was no use; I couldn’t get rid of the stain; no more than I could get rid of the nagging feeling that I’d done something to upset Nathan.

I abandoned the stain, gliding the mop over the floor as I moved closer to where Nathan worked. Up ahead I spotted a guard talking to his colleague, an inmate angrily wiping up a spill he’d made when his bucket of soapy turned over, Kyle annoying John into talking to him and Nate pushing his mop back and forth over the filthy tiles.

I inched closer still, needing to get a chance to confront him. There was no way I was wasting the short time I had left with him with us not talking to each other. No way in hell.

When I was close enough to speak without being overheard I stopped inching closer.

I glanced over at him. “Nate.” I whispered.

“This isn’t the time for talking Riley.” He whispered back.

“Why are you being like this?”

He took a deep breath and let it out slowly before he turned to me, still pushing the mop back and forth. “Do you remember the rules we made that morning? The night after we-”

“Yeah I remember, what about them?” I cut him off, the raised my brows in confusion.

“What did I say would happen if you broke one?” he asked then. His voice had hardened and my heart sped.

“But I didn’t break any, I swear.” I hissed, focused more on him now than the work we were supposed to be doing.

“What did I say would happen?” he asked again, this time more forcefully and I cringed.

“That we’d go back to the way it was before?” I said and he nodded.

“Well now you have your answer but I know how you can get, so until you accept that what we had is over, I’d prefer if we keep contact between us to a minimum understood?” he said again and I felt that sudden, intense pain in the region of my heart.

“But…but I didn’t do anything. I swear I didn’t tell anyone about us or anything!” My words came out a little louder than I’d anticipated and I watched him look to where the guards stood.

When he looked back at me, his eyes had narrowed into slits. “You’re in love with me.” He said simply and I felt my face heat as the horror of what he said sunk in.

“No I’m not!” I retorted unconvincingly and when he gave me that knowing look I deflated.

“Did Kyle tell you?” I asked in a small voice and when he stood looking at me, his face devoid of emotion I suddenly felt lost.

“Kyle didn’t tell me anything. You did…in your sleep and now you’ve confirmed it.” He looked so serious and I knew that no matter what excuse I gave or how much I pleaded he wouldn’t budge but I tried anyway.

“But it doesn’t change anything. We can still be together, I won’t ever bring it up Nate I swear!’ I’d given up even the pretense of cleaning and it was only when Nate pointed to the mop in my hands that I started again.

My heart felt so heavy that I feared his next words.

“Like I said before. I don’t do love and what we have won’t amount to anything Riley. No matter how much you want it to.” He told me. His tone wasn’t as sharp as it had been before but I felt his words pierce me.

“I know that. I know Nate I really do.”

“No you don’t. If you did you wouldn’t be setting yourself up to get hurt. This is the best way and I’m not budging on this.”

“I don’t care if I get hurt, who do you always get to make the decisions? Why can’t you just let everything stay the way it is?”

“Because it would be cruel.”

I felt my bottom lip start to wobble and the tears filled my eyes.

“Stop it!” Nathan hissed when he saw that I was about to cry and it only made the tears come faster.

“Riley don’t start.” He warned and in that moment I felt an anger I didn’t know I harbored, rear up in me and show its ugly head.

I flung the mop and it landed not far away. Nathan swung around to see if the guards had noticed, then he looked back at me in surprise.

“What are you doing?” he hissed and I stepped away from him.

“Why can’t you just admit that you care about me? Why do you always have to push me away?” my voice sounded foreign to my own ears.

I hurt so badly for him and just the thought of him wanting to end the beauty of what we had scared me.

“I can see that you care about me Nate, I can feel it…you couldn’t kiss me the way you do without feeling something. Just admit it!” I hadn’t gotten loud yet but I watched as Nathan glanced around to see if anyone was taking in our argument.

He walked the short distance and snatched my mop from the floor then thrust it toward me.

“Don’t be ridiculous. Take this before you get yourself into trouble.” He ordered and I stepped even further away from him.

His eyes widened.

“Riley.” He snapped.

“No I’m not taking it until you admit it.” I told him, the tears had already stopped flowing as my anger took over and I watched as Nathan became increasingly flustered.

“We had sex Riley, that’s all it was, Jesus I knew I shouldn’t have gotten involved with you!”

That hurt. I had to admit. It hurt me something terrible, but I knew he was lying; I could feel it to my very soul. He cared about me. He had to.

“What’s going on here, why aren’t you working.” A guard finally appeared and I felt no fear as I gazed at Nathan who once again held out the mop for me to take.

I shook my head. “No, just admit it. Please Nate, stop being like this.”

“Get back to work.” The guard issued and I watched him pluck the mop from Nathan’s hand and drop it onto the floor at my feet.

I shook my head and stepped back.

“Riley, don’t be stupid, pick it up.” He sounded anxious as he said it and when he took a step in my direction, the guard shoved him back, then he spoke into his little radio and Nathan’s eyes cut to mine.

“Riley do you have any idea what you’re doing? Take it up!” this time Nate shouted the words. He was getting angry at me when he was the one who was doing this.

“I can’t believe you can’t just say it.” I whispered; hurt.

“If you don’t take it up and get back to work right now, you’re going to solitary.” I vaguely heard the guard’s words as I looked at Nathan.

I loved him so much, more than I could even explain and he couldn’t even do this one thing? I turned away from him then and before I could bend to pick up the mop I felt something slam into me and I was shoved to the ground, then my arms were being forced behind my back and I heard Nathan shouting something. I couldn’t hear over my breaking heart.

When they hauled me up from the ground, I caught a glimpse of two other guards holding Nathan back as he shouted something my way and it was then that I realized I could’nt hear him because of my sobbing.

I felt so heart broken, no matter how hard I tried with him it was like I was getting nowhere. I fought to put one foot in front of the other as I sobbed my heart out in front of the on looking inmates.

……………………………

My tears had long since subsided by the time they pulled me to a stop before a metal door but that’s when my struggling began. When I saw the room they planned to leave me in I fought, fear lodged into my throat. It was dark, I couldn’t make out a window and only a small bed sat bolted to the wall.

They couldn’t lock me in here, I felt the claustrophobia taking hold as they shoved me in and the door slammed shut behind me. I clawed and screamed and slammed my fists against the door. I couldn’t hear anything on the other side, I felt trapped and alone in the dark room.

I had to get out

I had to get out.