It took about five minutes after Keith left for me to realize that he never did answer my question about the fact that he said he didn't do black girls.

He said he isn't racist. So is it like a food thing? The way I don't hate carrot but I still don't eat it? The way he doesn't hate grapes but he still doesn't eat it? If I was given a carrot I wouldn't mind eating it if I had no choice. Wow Maya. Good job comparing yourself to a carrot.

I shook my head and decided not to give it so much thought. Just to keep busy since my little men had taken over the TV, I started moving from one part of the room to another, looking at posters, reading post-it notes that were years old, smiling at his cursive writing that was so familiar and finally looking at old pictures taken with his friends when he was in highschool and college. I burst out laughing when I saw a picture of a teenage Keith with black hair, eye liners and eye shadows and snakebites piercings with ridiculously tight pants and a guitar. Even an eyebrow piercing. He even had a spiked choker and spiked wristbands on. The black nail polish killed the look. I took one of the pictures as I laughed some more.

Who would have thought..? Blackmail material... Oh God this is going to be good.

Flipping through the album some more made me loose my smile a little. I didn't have pictures like that. I never had friends in highschool. I really did stick out like a sore thumb and I was really awkward socially, so there was no one like that. I really did hope to have some but it never happened. That was why I considered Avery a beautiful breath of fresh air. He had been my very first friend, and remembering him brought a smile back on my face because I loved Avery to the point that I believe that if not having friends as a kid was the price to pay to have someone like Ave, I was happy to pay that price.

Logan was the first to get cranky. I looked at where they were and found out Lucas had fallen asleep, so I quickly rushed over and picked Logan up before the noise would wake the sleeping one up. The fact that he fell asleep so close to our feeding hour bothered me because I didn't like disturbing them when they were asleep but for my sanity, I tried maintaining a kind of schedule and for that reason, we had a feeding hour. I just pushed the stroller closer to the bed for easy reach and then went back to the bed and got comfortable as Logan got crankier. I had just made sure he was properly latched when there was a knock on the door.

Not really putting my mind to it, I asked who it was and Amanda replied. I jolted up and that almost made me disrupt the feeding baby.

"We're kind of busy right now..." I called out while looking around for something to cover up with. This was someone that had never made me feel comfortable since I became a member of her family, so you'd understand why I didn't want her to see me nursing. I had big breasts that naturally got bigger when I got pregnant and much much bigger when I started nursing, and she had called me fat in the past. So I definitely didn't want her to see me nursing. But when the door opened, I concluded that she either didn't hear me or she didn't care that I'd said I was busy.

I turned away a bit when she saw us and looked away. "Oh.. I didn't realise you were busy. Pardon my intrusion. I thought you said I should come in."

I shook my head while turning away to back her a little. "No.. I said we were kind of busy. Good afternoon."

She nodded and looked around. There was an awkward air in the room. "Should I go ahead and sit down or leave? I can leave if it will make you uncomfortable." She said and I felt my jaw hit the ground at her words. Amanda was being polite to me. She was actually speaking to me like I was a human being and not something lower. Sure, she'd come when I was still pregnant to apologize and ask me to talk to Keith but that was it.

I cleared my throat. "I can back you a little if you sit down there." I replied, nodding towards the chair close to the stroller. I backed her a little, not completely so that I'd keep an eye on her and the sleeping Lucas.

I watched her sit down and look into the stroller to look at Lucas who was beginning to wake up after just 20 minutes of napping. She sucked in a deep breath when she saw his eyes. That was her first time of meeting them. Because Keith had refused to meet up with her or see her, she hadn't been able to see her grandsons too. She didn't even know they're identical. Lucas was the first she was seeing.

"Oh my God." she whispered. They looked like their father. All they got from me was my nose, ears, fingers and toes and perhaps a little melanin. Apart from those features, everything else was Keith.

"May I?" she asked and I nodded. She picked him up and I was almost too embarrassed to watch Amanda, hard hearted, mean, hates-poople boss bitch Amanda making teary eyed goo-goo faces at her grandson. And then he yawned and she was gone. It was funny to watch.

"What's his name?"

"Lucas. He's Lucas Mitchell James and this lil guy over here is Logan Michael James."

She chuckled softly. "I guess Keith named them."

"Yes. He did. Terrible names." I said without thinking.

"I know. He has never been good with names. He called his first pet goldfishes King, Queen, Emperor, Constantine, Bishop and Irene. I still don't know how he knew which was which." she replied and I laughed a little even though it was a little awkward and weird because this is my mother in-law we're talking about. She never told me stories or joked with me. Ever. She never even talked to me.

Realizing that Logan's sucking had reduced, I transferred him to the other and after a few minutes, he let go. Tucking myself back in for a little privacy, I started rubbing his back to burp him and what snapped me out of my thoughts were the words "I can burp him while you feed Lucas if you want."

I looked out her outfit and shook my head. "If something comes up with the burp it might stain your outfit." I argued but she shook her head and said it was fine. What's an outfit compared to burping and meeting your grandson? were her words and so I gave him to her and took Lucas.

"They're identical." she gasped and I nodded with a small smile as I tickled Lucas's stomach and getting a smile from him before getting down to business.

After a few minutes of silence, I cleared my throat. "Is he going to be okay down there?"

"I believe he will. He's strong."

"He's not as strong as you imagine him to be."

"I know him. He's strong, he's like me. He will be fine." she argued and I shook my head. She didn't know him as much as she thought she did. Keith was not like her. Similar, yes. But the little difference between them made all the difference in the world. To think that he found out before I even gave birth. The fact that he had to deal with all that and still deal with my snappy hormonal ass made me respect him more.

"He's similar to you but you're not the same at all, and the fact that he has a really soft spot for family is the reason why it hurts so much. And dealing with how he has been for the past month, I hope he will be fine."

There was another moment of silence before she said anything else. "How was he then? How is he now? Didn't see or hear from him in months, and I worry about him. He's my son. I wouldn't have lied to him if it wasn't necessary. I didn't even like the fact that I lied."

"I can't exactly explain it in words. He just tried to mask it and bury it deep down by keeping himself busy with work, me, the kids, anything time consuming. Why did you lie, if I may be bold enough to ask?"

"His father hated what his life had become after the accident. He was paralyzed neck down, and there were so many close calls that time. We thought he wasn't going to make it, stay around for long. But he actually made it. He stayed alive but he wasn't able to do anything by himself. They said he'd never walk again but there was a little hope of using his arms again. He didn't want to live like that. What if at the end of the day they said he had no hope of even using his hands? He didn't want to be a liability to anyone. He was the sporty really active type, so to get the news that he'd never walk again was devastating. He was suicidal and didn't want his son to see him deteriorate like that. So he said it was best to leave and if after a while he didn't get to move again, he'd speak to his doctor. There was no way I was going to tell Keith that his father left because he didn't want his son to watch him depreciate. He'd have thought it was his fault. He was a child. So I lied to him. It was to protect him not to do anymore harm."

Well that was a lot to take in. Sure, what she did was wrong but I didn't exactly blame her for trying to protect her son.

"But why now? Didn't he recover a long time ago? Why did it take him this long to suddenly want into his life?" I asked but she just shrugged. I let out a deep sigh and leaned in and kissed Lucas's forehead who was beginning to fall asleep with the nipple still in his mouth. I pulled away, buttoned up and started rubbing his back to burp him too. Logan had fallen asleep in Amanda's arms. So I just put the pillows at the end of the bed and Amanda placed Logan on the bed first and then I placed Lucas and she walked to the door and opened it to leave. She turned back and gave me a small smile. "Thank you for being there for him, and for being good to him too. I truly appreciate that. And thank you for listening to me and letting me spend time with them. Last time I held a baby was when their father was born."

I nodded and smiled at her before she closed the door behind her. I looked at the screen to know what was on and it was Adventure Time. I just decided to use the table and turned on my PC and went online to continue reading articles I had to read to learn more about opening an Animal Rescue since it was something I was passionate about. That was where Keith found me about an hour later when he returned to the room.

"Need a hug? I have been told I give the best hugs."

"Yeah." he said as he squeezed me so hard I thought the life would leave me.

"How do you feel?"

"I'll be fine." he said softly and I knew he would. He was going to be fine.

"Want us to leave now or do you want to stay some more?"

"Mother invited us to stay for dinner. And he wants to meet you, if you don't mind. And the babies."

"It's fine. I don't mind." I murmured into his neck before letting go. "Your hair's longer. I like it." I said and he smiled a little.

"I'm trying to be as normal as possible but it's difficult. When I asked why he didn't come back, he gave a reason as weak as I didn't want you to see me like that. And I asked why he decided to come back now? Didn't that defeat the whole aim of leaving in the first place and he replied that he realized that it was a stupid thing to do, and that because he was a stupid young man he had missed out on the important things like watching me grow. What sort of reason is that? Fuck, that hurts Maya."

"There's nothing you can do to change the past, so you just plan to make the present and tomorrow better. You try your best to be the best dad and try not to take selfish decisions that will hurt your kids. You'll be fine, I promise. It's very hard in the beginning, but you'll get there. You'll be fine." I replied and he nodded and sniffled before looking around the room.

"What did you keep yourself busy with while I was away? There's almost nothing to do here. Sorry I dragged you out today. Didn't want to come alone. Kinda needed the support."

"It's fine. I finally got to enter Mrs Amanda James's house. I always wondered how the home you grew up in looks. And to your question, we fed, they're napping now, I looked around and saw blackmail materials I'll definitely use in future and then found out about King, Queen, Emperor, Constantine, Bishop and Irene."

He frowned a little before realization dawned on him. "You spoke to my mother?!"

"Yup. She came in not long after you left. Met and burped her grandsons and guessed immediately that you chose their names immediately she heard them. Your naming skills are terrible. How were you even able to tell the difference between Irene and the rest of the fishes?"

He laughed out loud and I slapped his chest and pointed towards the bed and he tuned it down.

"Sorry." he mouthed. We laid down on the couch at the window side of the room. "She loves you so much you know."

"I do. And I feel the same way." He sighed as he placed his head on my chest. "You're so soft I could fall asleep."

"Your bed is big enough to hold all of us. I already used the pillows to barricade the twins and made space for us, so we can actually sleep if you want to. I'll stay until you sleep and then I'll watch some TV." I replied.

"That's a good idea. The only problem is that your boobs have accepted me as one of their own. To leave them would amount to betrayal. They see me as one of their own. And you smell so nice." he said as he pulled me closer and buried his face in between my breasts as much as he could. I wondered how and why the sofa was that soft and how it contained both of us.

"I always smell nice." I replied with a shrug and leaned down to kiss him. After a moment of silence, he asked "How did you do it?"

"Do what?"

"Forgive me, your dad. I treated you like shit for 3 years and hurt you much later because I was unnecessarily stubborn and a grade A asshole. I know you didn't have a good relationship with your dad too. He wasn't even there the day we got married, and there was this uncomfortable air in the room whenever you were together, but then everything suddenly changed. I want to know how you were able to do it, let go, let him back into your life, let me back into your life."

"Oh" I muttered as my mind went back to those days. "Well I always wanted to have a relationship with my parents. My mum telling me not to call her mum because it made her feel old had been a low blow, and my dad hadn't been the best person to talk to. He wasn't like mum but it wasn't like that made him better. But it still didn't change the fact that I really really wanted a relationship with them. I craved my dad's approval, his attention, his love. So whatever he wanted me to do, I did. I was the definition of pushover. So the day we tried mending the relationship was one of the happiest days of my life. He suddenly asked if I was happy and I was so happy and automatically felt so loved. Most people would have made it so much harder, said he had to prove he was worthy enough to be called "dad" and build that relationship with but my dream of having a relationship with my parent was about coming to pass, so I had no room to entertain such thoughts. But the funny thing about it was that during therapy, I realised I resented him, my mother, you, everyone that was an ass to me. For the inattention, the hurt, everything. Then I realised that I wasn't that kind of person. There's this liberation that comes with letting things like that go, kinda feels like a weight has been taken off your shoulder. The sun seems sunnier, the earth looks and feels happier despite global warming, you feel as light as a feather despite being at big as I am. So that was how I was able to do it. I wanted to be free of toxic feelings, so I went with my guts and purged them. It was not easy, but I got there eventually."

I said that without taking a break, so when he didn't reply, I looked at his face only to realize he had fallen asleep. A thousand and one thoughts went through my mind.

What the...?! He asks a question and I answer only for him to fall asleep midway? First of all, he falls asleep too quickly. Secondly, what the hell is up with him always falling asleep when I'm saying something important which is usually an answer to one of his questions? Thirdly, Maya you're either too boring or he is very tired or he is one of those people that fall asleep at random which you know he isn't, so you're boring. Well excuse me for being boring! He asked a boring question that required a boring answer! What was I supposed to tell him? That how I did it was by drinking carrot juice? Eww why carrot juice? Eat the carrot, Do not juice it yo! Stop it! You're getting sidetracked again!

I felt like kicking him, which I didn't. I just shook him awake and told him to go to the bed which he didn't and just continued looking at me with a confused expression on his face.

"What are you looking at?" I asked with a frown on my own face.

"I feel I was in the middle of an important discussion but I'm lost."

"Next time don't fall asleep when someone is talking. I don't like it when you do that. Makes me feel stupid."

He yawned. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to. I am tired, and your chest is so soft and even though what you were saying was important, it was also boring and your voice lulled me to sleep. But I heard what you said."

"Oh really? Tell me the last thing I said."

"You're hungry?" he replied and I pushed him off me and he ended up on the floor with a thud, and then he groaned and actually ended up relaxing on the floor.

"Contrary to popular belief, fat people are not always hungry and don't always think of food." I snapped, my insecurity suddenly riling up. And then I frowned "...What are you doing?"

"It's kinda cozy down here." he drawled and I rolled my eyes and picked up my phone.

"Maya come on. Don't be mad. I didn't mean any harm. I just said the first thing that popped into my head probably because I'm also hungry."

"Whatever." I grumbled and almost rolled my eyes when he reached up to lace our fingers together.

"Do you want to meet him now?" he asked and I shrugged.

"Sure. Let's get it over and done with."

**********

That day, I made a decision. I was going to try as much as possible to make girlfriends because my goodness the testosterone around me was too much. I did meet Keith's dad, who Keith looked like but his accent was thicker, probably because he spent the last 20+ years there. In fact, apart from her hair color,eye color and whatever else he got from her, Keith did not look like Amanda. Keith looked like his father, and our babies looked like Keith. Everywhere I turned, I saw that face. Then there's my dad, awesome Leo and Sammy who I never did truly understand, my sugary Avery, my sons. Oh it was too much.

Next stop?! New girl friend. Ohh remember that woman you met that day you went for your scan? Ariel or something close to that? Why not call her?

No! It has been a long while. She won't remember me.

You should just try Maya. The worst that could happen is she might say she doesn't remember you.

Well.... That is true...

I snapped out of my thoughts when Keith tapped my shoulder. "damn. I've never seen anyone zone out the way you do. It's a talent I swear." I blinked and remember that we were still in Amanda's house.

"Come on. We're leaving." he said gruffly.

"Hey.. What's wrong?" I asked softly when I looked at him and found out he looked really upset.