"If you're feeling the hornies, I don't know why you're not doing it." Avery said while running on the treadmill and I shushed him while looking around us to make sure no one was close enough to hear what he said. I met up with him in the gym because he said he was beginning to lose his abs to fat. So I brought cake and soda, he cursed me for hating him and bringing the things responsible for his extra pounds but he still took them. If I had brought veggies he would have complained too. Somewhere along the line, my sex life or the lack of it came up.

"Stop screaming Avery! We don't need the whole world to know my business."

"What are you talking about? It's just you and I and that guy over there. There's no one here. You're just being paranoid." I knew I was being paranoid.

"Still keep your voice down. The walls have ears."

"Where are the boys again?"

"With my dad."

"Okay. So as I was saying, before I was rudely interrupted by an insect, if you want to do it just do it. I didn't know even married people have issues like that."

"I'm still recovering."

"Bullshit Danica. It's been 4 months. How long does the vagina need to recover from being cut open? I remember hearing 6 weeks. That's a month and two weeks depending on how fast a person heals. You healed a while ago. You're just giving excuses. What's the real reason?" he asked as he turned off the treadmill and focused on me.

"I'm really dry down there." I whispered in an embarrassed voice.

"Lube exists for a reason." He replied with a shrug. "When last was there any action between you guys?"

"After my exams, that was a year ago."

"I remember hearing he's really sexual, full of so much energy it makes you wonder."

"Yup."

"And there hasn't been any pressure from him to do the do?"

"Not exactly. He usually stops once I say I'm uncomfortable."

"So he hasn't gotten any in a year basically."

"I guess so, yes."

"Well then. He's either getting it somewhere or he has the patience of a saint."

"I have been finishing him off, just not the actual thing."

"It you have concerns, talk about them with him. He will listen. And ask him if he's been getting it somewhere else. I'm so used to cheating partners I can't help but be paranoid on your behalf. I can't help but wonder why he's being so patient even though he is this wild ball of sexual energy."

"I didn't call him that."

"Nah. You just implied it. Also, I want to eat your lasagna. Call me whenever it's lasagna night over there in the James' household."

I zoned out of the conversation. I didn't want to suspect Keith. Yes, there hasn't been any between us since that night but still. I did everything except go all the way. I hoped it would hold him off till I was fully ready. Yes, I'd been thinking about it for a while but I was yet to go all the way without freaking out or feeling weird. I didn't even know why I was feeling that way.

"Earth to, Danica." I heard Avery say followed by a snap of his fingers in my face. "You shouldn't think so hard about it. Just ask him, that's all. Now I regret saying anything in the first place."

"It's fine. I have to go. Have to go pick up the boys. I'll call you later about the blog thing." I replied before walking out of the gym. Avery and I had been considering opening a blog to reach out to people. He'd get to talk about makeovers and dressups and fashion and stuff while I'd talk about self love and battling with your insecurities and acceptance, saying no to internet trolling, bullying, racism, hate in general. But we hadn't decided on when to begin and a name. My thoughts wandered back to what he said and I shook my head. Did I suspect Keith? No. I didn't. He didn't give me any reason to do so. Was I going to ask him if there was someone else? Yes because the Avery's logic had taken root in my head. How could a virile young man like that just be okay with handjobs and heads? Before we really got together those years ago, there had been so many women. I didn't even keep count because there was no point.

No. I don't suspect him. He wouldn't do that to me. He loves me.

I said that over and over again in my head as I drove to my dad's house to pick up my kids. I continued saying it while I made dinner at home, I was quiet during dinner because my mind was preoccupied with the thought. So while he rinsed off his plates, I continued picking my food before I sucked it up and asked the question.

"Keith I want to ask you something."

"Shoot."

"Are you...seeing someone else?"

"How?"

"Are you with another woman?"

"Why would you ask me that?" he asked while turning to face me.

"Because the last time we were together that way was a year ago. And you like sex but you haven't even tried pressuring me or anything. So I was wondering if you're that chilled because you're getting it somewhere else."

"Why will I pressure you to have sex when I know about the lubrication issue you're having and the paranoia that you'll get pregnant again once it happens? You've been weird about the whole sex thing and I figured it just had to do with childbirth fucking with your system. I even called the doctor to ask her if it's normal and she said it is. I like sex, who doesn't like it? But I'm not cheating on you. I'm not getting it elsewhere and I have a lot of things going on which are actually impeding on my libido to even think of pressuring you or getting it elsewhere where. I have this pressure on me to get a company to sign a contract, I have this shit going on with my family and so many other things. Now if you'll excuse me..." he growled before leaving the kitchen and I let my head fall on the table.

Why did you ask again? Because you wanted peace of mind. Now that you have that peace of mind you have to find a way to appease the sensitive baby that is your husband. How am I supposed to know he is under pressure when he didn't even tell me anything?

I groaned and left the kitchen to meet up with him. I heard the shower running and got out of what I had on and went in there to join him. He was leaning on the wall with his back to door when I came in. When he didn't even move to acknowledge my presence, I wrapped my arms around him and waited for him to turn around. The good thing about being quite tall were that he wasn't so taller than me and I could easily kiss his neck and upper back without trying too hard. And I could also reach into the kitchen cabinets on the wall without climbing a chair.

"Have I ever told you that this tattoo is the sexiest thing about you?" I asked with a small smile while pressing a small kiss on his spine and I felt him shudder a little.

"Not my virile masculinity?" he asked with a small laugh.

"Nah. That's just a bonus. I love your butt too. But this right here is. You scarred your body for me. How many women out there have their names tattooed on their husband's hot bodies?"

"A lot I think."

"I don't care. I'd like to think I'm the only one....I'm sorry. I didn't mean to hurt your feelings. I just wondered and decided to just ask you instead of being unnecessarily suspicious." I apologized and he shook his head

"I overreacted. It's okay. If I were the one I'd wonder too."

"What's going on with your family? What's going on with you? I won't know or help if I don't know Keith, and I'm your wife. You can talk to me and confide in me. I don't like seeing you like this."

He just shook his head and turned around to pull me into his arms. "It's nothing. I'll be fine." he whispered before burying his face in my neck. The weight of the water that soaked through the towel I had tied around me made it loosen and I caught it before it hit the ground.

"Who goes in to shower with a towel? It's like showering with your clothes on." he said as he pulled it off me and ended up dropping it on the floor that I'd saved it from as he claimed my lips. After what felt like an eternity of blind groping that didn't feel quite right, I pulled back and turned off the water. "We should stop wasting water and just talk about whatever is bugging you. I know what you're doing. Kissing me to distraction isn't going to work this time around."

"I already said I don't want to talk about it." he snapped at me as he let me go and just left the stall.

"If it's making you snap like a bear with a sore thumb then maybe you should just get it out of your system." I pushed again and he turned to face me.

"What the hell Maya? I already said I don't want to talk about it. Let it go and don't nag. If I wanted to talk about it or knew how to go about it I would have done that. Do not compound my problems. Instead of doing that sort yourself out instead of asking me if there's another woman."

Well that shut me up. I just took a bathrobe and my pajamas and pillow and when I was picking up the monitor, he began with "Babe I'm sorry." I just gave him the middle finger and left the room.

You can eat your problems for all I care ass.

I checked on the twins and then made my way to the sitting room to watch something. Deciding to set up camp there, I went back upstairs and saw him already in bed and without a word, I pulled the duvet he was underneath off him. He can freeze for all I care were my thoughts as I pulled it off completely, ignoring his gaze. I went to my old room and took the one there too and went downstairs. I put on a music channel and then started setting my duvet nation up. Once I was done and covered, I went on Instagram to watch cat videos. Imagine my shock when he joined me under the duvet about thirty minutes later. He just spooned me, no words, nothing. After sometime, he asked "What are you doing?"

"What does it look like? I'm watching women twerk on Tyga's music video while watching cat videos at the same time....And you're interrupting."

"I missed you."

"You can go upstairs and continue eating your feelings while I remain here in order to deal with my sexual dysfunction. I won't want to nag you or wonder if you're with another woman." I replied in a salty manner.

"I never said you're dysfunctional."

"You didn't have to. I just have to sort myself out instead of asking if there's any other woman." I replied with a shrug.

"I'm sorry for snapping love. I've been under a lot of pressure as of recent and it's getting to me. I didn't mean to transfer aggression. You don't nag, and you're not dysfunctional. I wouldn't want sex too if I gave birth to two babies." He muttered and I turned to face him. Pressing my lips against his nose, I gave a small smile.

"I didn't say I don't want to because I really do. But apart from the phobia of getting pregnant immediately again and the dryness, I also feel unattractive. I feel really big and with the new stretch marks and so many other things."

"You've already started working on the baby fat, and your stretch marks are your momma battle scars. Wear them boldly. You're beautiful to me, but at this point, it's whatever you want." he said with a shrug and I let out a deep breath before pulling him closer.

"I love you." I whispered and got a "Right back at ya".

I could hear Chris Brown's Freaky Friday in the background and I turned to watch the video. We cuddled up for about thirty minutes before he said something else.

"My dad's alive." he said and that caught me off-guard. "What?!"

"Yeah. He is. He didn't die. I always wondered why there was no funeral. It was because he never died. He just up and left. And now, more than 20 years later he's saying shit about wanting to know me. My mother lied to me for years."

I was amazed at how horrible our parents were. I thought I had it bad. He had it worse. "Talk about horrible parents." I whispered and he let out a pained chuckle.

"I know right? But it hurts so much. We were really close. I was 10 when it happened. I told you about the accident that left him paralysed right? It was obvious he hated what his life had become. I missed him so much and everyday I wished he'd come back. And now this? I'm almost a 32 year old man and now he wants to be involved? I hate him. I hate my mother. Mother looked me in the eyes all these years and lied to me, and she expects me to just let it go?"

I pretended I didn't see the tears on his face, I pretended I didn't hear the tremble in his voice as he tried to hold it in. I just pulled the duvet over our heads while his tears soaked through my shirt. I kissed him softly. It was just so strange. Keith wasn't a crier. A ridiculously spoiled pampered petty child, yes. But he never cried.

"Baby?" he called out as his breathing normalized again and I hummed a reply. "I need you. We don't... We don't have to go all the way. I just...want to." Keith wasn't the type that stumbled over his words. He always knew what he wanted and the words with which to get his message across but this was new. I just pressed may fingers against his lips to halt him from saying more.

"We can go all the way so long as we use protection." I replied with a shrug.

When it was all over and he'd fallen asleep beside me, I struggled to sleep since it just refused to come. Immediately I started slipping away, the baby monitor went off and my eyes snapped open again. Shit. This life is difficult.

********

Watching Keith pace had to be the most tiring thing I'd ever done. He'd stop and then start again. Then stop again, give himself and pep talk and start again. It was a cycle. He had finally agreed to meet up with his dad and I tagged along for support and because I wanted to know how he'd react. It's not everyday that your father once thought dead comes back to life.

We were in his old bedroom in his mother's house because he didn't want to do it in our house. He preferred meeting hi there where it all started. I looked around the room again and tried making conversation.

"So our anniversary is in 3 weeks time. And my birthday is in 2 weeks time too. I'll be 24. I feel so old."

He chuckled a little. "I was 24 a lifetime ago. Any particular thing you want to do on that day?"

"Not exactly." I mumbled in return. And there was a moment of silence as he let out a deep breath and ran his fingers through his hair. I tried again. "So you play the piano."

"I used to. I haven't had it in me to do so in years." he replied before standing up again and going to where our sons were watching the cartoon we had put on to keep them busy. Finding out they loved watching cartoons was the best thing ever because they easily got bored. I watched him pull Lucas's finger out of his mouth and slipping in the pacifier in place of the finger. Logan had the end of their blanket in his mouth and Keith pulled it out and replaced it with his own pacifier.

"Babe. Come sit. They're fine. Let them watch their stuff now before they'll also lose interest in that one too." I said while patting the bed and he came over and sat down.

"I don't think I can do this."

"Yes you can."

"I'm too angry. I have hate in my heart but deep down I still want to know why he did it. I'm very nervous because I don't know how I'll react. I really loved my dad, and to think that he'd choose leaving over staying. I know you've been teaching me a lot about forgiveness and honestly, I've come really far but I don't know."

"I can't tell you what to do, but you're smart. You'll do the right thing. Now tell me about him. Is he racist too?"

He frowned. "What the hell? I don't know anyone that's racist."

"What? Your mum isn't? You are not?"

"No! What even made you think that?"

"The day we got married your words were she's black? I don't do black girls mother and she told you to deal with it just for the business. And if he judges body size too let me know so that I'll grace myself for whatever he'll have to dish out." I said with a shrug. I wasn't pained or anything. I just preferred knowing.

"Sheesh. We're not racists Maya. My mother just hates people generally. If she were racist she wouldn't have wanted anything to do with your dad. And if I were racist Sammy wouldn't be my friend, and I won't be married to you. And I definitely wouldn't be a fan of So Ji Sub." he deadpanned and I pressed my fist against my lips in shock.

"You watch Korean dramas?" I said with a gasp and his eyes widened when he realised what he said.

"No." he said looking at anything but me.

"Yes you do! Why the secrecy?"

"I do not. Who watches their sappy love stories? It's not manly to watch love stories... And I never said I do."

"Why else will you be a fan of So Ji Sub if not because you watch his movies? It's definitely not because he models." I asked while cackling like a crazy bat. That was the funniest thing I'd heard all day, finding out that my husband secretly watched Korean dramas. I tried imagining him with so much hate on his face for some characters. It was too precious. I decided to pick on him.

"Oh my Venus was a waste of time."

"Take that back Maya. It was a good movie and the girl was very pretty and..." he saw the look on my face."Shit. I.. Fine." he said while raising his hands in mock surrender. "You got me. I watch them."

"That was too easy." I said with a laugh before leaning in to kiss him. "How do you feel now? See? It's better to have a conversation than to pace."

"Yeah. Much better. Thank you." he said before deepening the kiss. A knock on the door made him break away. "Yes?"

"Mrs James said I should inform you that Mr James has arrived." .

Keith stood up and took a deep breath and then let it out over and over again and

said "It's show time. I'll be back soon."