Knowing I was pregnant and keeping it from my husband who was the father of my baby took so much from me both mentally and physically. I was usually too tired and depressed from thinking so much. I couldn't find it in me to utter those words to anyone because my fear of the unknown was huge. I feared knowing whatever negative reaction Keith would exhibit once he found out. In as much as he's been really nice to me for almost 10months, I still feared that maybe it was all an act, that maybe he didn't actually care and would flip once he knew about the baby. I kept imagining him say why would I want a baby with you? What the fuck were you thinking when you didn't protect yourself to prevent this outcome?

It got so bad that getting rid of the baby crossed my mind and I couldn't forgive myself for even thinking of killing my own baby. I hated myself for it. I had tried pouring everything out in my journal but it hadn't helped.

So the day Avery came to see me, I broke down before him. I couldn't stop wriggling and squeezing my fingers as I poured it all out to him and I couldn't even face him because I was so scared of seeing judgment on the face that had come to mean so much to me.

"Danica..." he started but I cut him off as I buried my face in my hands.

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry sorry. I would never do something like that. I don't know why it came to my mind in the first place. I just thought that even if he is pretending, so long as there's no baby, he won't feel the need to..."

"Danica shut up and listen to me first. You need help. I don't mean to be rude but your low self esteem right now is just at the height of it. I don't know what is going on with you right now, why all this is happening, why you're suddenly this depressed and negative. You were never like this in the past. I knew you were insecure but you've never been in your head the way you are right now and it's not healthy. You were stronger than this, you stood up to your mother in-law and Keith. You stopped letting them walk all over you. I don't know what led to this, what caused you to regress so much but you seriously need counseling and you need to talk to Keith."

Everything he said was true. I had gotten stronger or at least I thought I had. But Amanda's words made me regress so bad; it made something click in my head and all those times I felt I was never enough for anyone, all those times I thought my parents didn't care about me, they all came back and if I found out that Keith who I'd come to rely on and care for also saw me as just a means to an end it would break me emotionally and that scared me so much. Besides, I didn't even know if he wanted a baby. Shaking my head, I replied "I can't."

"You can and you will. You said it yourself that he has been great, awesome even. Very supportive and helpful, sweet, kind, loving. He hasn't done anything out of place. What went wrong?"

"I *sniffs* I fell in love with him."I replied as I blew my nose into a tissue.

"Isn't that something good? I believe he feels the same way too. What does that have to do with anything?"

"I started hoping and believing that maybe he feels the same way too. He always wanted us to do something together, go out, see a movie, go on dates, and it was like he couldn't keep his hands off me. But then his mum said my father sighed me off to her as a broodmare, a means to an end. I started imagining that maybe it's actually all a game to all of them, to him. I mean the day we got married his mum had said just do it for the business son. And then that night two weeks ago, she then said that the plan was that along the line he'd get me pregnant so as to not void the contract and then move on with his life, casting me to the side to just bear the heir that will inherit the merged business. And I wondered what if he was just nice to get in my good graces so that I'd put out. What if the past 10 months have been just a play thing to him? At a point I even imagined him saying that he'd never want to have a baby with someone like me."

"But he didn't say any of those words did he?" he asked and I shook my head. He'd actually never said anything like that. He'd just been so good.

"Talk to him about it."

"I can't find it in me to do that. What if it's true?"

"And what if it isn't? It's not fair on him for you to decide that he's the bad guy without giving him a chance to explain himself. You can't just assume he's the bad guy all because his mother is a mean old woman that hates you and says nasty things about you and your family. It's so bad that you have thought of killing your child just so you'd convince yourself that there's no problem so you'd continue living a lie just because you are scared of finding out that he never cared. There is a problem and the only way to tackle that problem is by facing it head on. If you don't tell him I will, and it will just make everything worse and you know it. It's better he hears it from you than from a third party. It's your call now. What I'll end up doing is based on what you do." he finished with finality in his voice. I just nodded and sniffed as I cracked my knuckles. When Avery says he will do something, he will.

When he left, I went to the kitchen to prepare dinner. Keith had said that he was coming home early and he was coming with Leo because Leo said its been a while since I last saw Danica.

That was where I was when he came in. I had been cutting lettuce when he walked into the kitchen with Leo.

Putting on my best fake smile, I turned to say hello to them. A hug from Leo and a kiss from Keith changed the smile to a real one even if it was a small smile. Leo was such a cool person and Keith was the man I loved. I couldn't help the joy I felt at seeing both of them. Telling them dinner would be ready soon and shooing them out of the kitchen, I made a mental to-do list.

¤ Tell Keith about the baby.

¤ Talk to him about my insecurities.

¤ Talk to him about how his mother's

nastiness was affecting me negatively.

¤ Confide in him about needing help.

I had just finished cutting the tomatoes when I heard the door upstairs slam shut and thundering footsteps rushed down the stairs before he came barreling into the kitchen with a familiar notebook in his hands. Throwing it on the island, he pointed at the words written in black ink with my own curvy handwriting.

Dear Diary, today I thought of aborting my own baby.

"What the fuck is this Danica?"