Her fingers are laced around my thumb, her eyes wide and curious as she looks at Hero as he wipes the cotton stick against the inside of her cheek. She doesn't move; it's remarkable how still she stays put given how she's discovering how to move her arms and legs more and more.

Hero is concentrating hard even though the task isn't difficult. He hasn't looked at me once, his eyes are solely on Daisy, and I know it's because he doesn't know how to feel at this moment.

He told me just before he started taking the sample. He hates that there needs to be one, but at the same time he wanted to do it because he didn't want to burden Daisy too much.

I know that Daisy doesn't care. She is too small to even notice what is happening, let alone by who. But it was important to Hero that he took the swap, just like he wanted to do it at home instead of at the station.

"There you go, love," he mumbles as he takes the stick from her mouth. He then immediately seals it, making sure nothing comes into contact with the sample before he takes off the white gloves. After he's thrown them on the table, he reaches for Daisy, taking her from me and hugging her against his chest.

The sight makes me smile and it replaces the heavy feeling from moments ago slightly. "Nothing will change," I weakly promise him again, even though I know that the swap will change some things. "Nothing that is important to us," I correct myself when I see his expression.

Hero hums, pressing his lips against Daisy's head. "The rage is already unbearable now," he quietly admits. "Let alone when I know who it is for sure."

"But it will make sure they'll get the punishment they deserve."

A humorless chuckle leaves his throat. "They don't deserve the comfort of a thin mattress and three meals a day." His eyes then switch to me, his expression serious. "I dreamed about them last night."

"You did?" I ask to which he nods. And just when I wat to ask what the dream was about, he already tells me himself.

"I killed them. In my dream, I made sure they got the only punishment they deserve. And you know what?" He swallowed visibly, and I try to hide the surprise that was caused by his unexpected confession.

"What?" I'm almost afraid to ask it, but at the same time, I know he'll tell me anyway, even if I wouldn't want to know.

"I didn't feel guilty. If anything, it felt good." He swallows again, this time clearly in disgust as he shakes his head. "That's not the person I am. It's not the person I was before I met you."

He sounds disappointed, and because of it, the only thing that comes to mind as reaction is an apology. "I'm sorry."

His gaze on me stays the same, almost as if he didn't hear me. "There is this persistent, protective urge that rushes through my veins, an even greater one than the rage that I feel too. And it's getting bigger and bigger. More consuming with each day."

He looks at Daisy again while shaking his head. I can tell he's wrapped his arms around her even tighter, and she seems to welcome it because her head drops to his shoulder as her tiny fingers find her mouth. The moment she starts to suck, her eyes flutter closed, oblivious to how tensed Hero seems to me.

"I want to protect you two," he softly continues, his cheek dropping to Daisy's head. "Ever since I met you and Dais, I have this need to protect both of you. But it's getting bigger and heavier with each day. And now that Dais grows..." He shakes his head, his complexion white as a sheet. "I realize that I won't be able to protect her from everything, but that thought is giving me panic attacks, Jo."

He bows his head again, closing his eyes and pressing his nose against Daisy's head. I know exactly how he feels. I want to protect her too. The thought of anything happening to her -even a scratch or bruise- makes me sick to my stomach.

But looking at Hero now, it seems like his fears for her to get hurt go deeper.

"And the fact that one of them will know she's his... They don't fucking deserve that. They don't deserve to know."

And while I understand him completely, I have no idea how to prevent that. If we go through with this, they will know. And since I want to have as much evidence against them as possible...

"But they deserve the biggest punishment there is," I tell him, my voice soft. He is so tensed, I'm not sure if I've ever seen him like this, and it makes me nervous.

He nods, his lips forming into a thin line. He seems disappointed now too, and it confuses me even more. What does he want me to do? Is he mad at me?

"What do you want me to do, Hero?"

My tone is still soft, but I can't hide the edgy tone that laces through. He must understand that this is the only way. For me, this is the only way that will make sure there isn't any doubt about what they've done to me. This is my only way to fight back properly.

"I don't know," he answers. "Do you realize what happens in that courtroom will eventually be public? It means everyone will know who her father is. Everyone will be able to read about it in newspapers and online on the internet." His expression is serious, and I'm not sure why he is telling me this. If I didn't know how much he wants them behind bars as well, I'd think that he's trying to convince me to not talk at all.

"You remember what happened with that article a few weeks back, right? We managed to get it off the news site, but it's still out there. People still read it every day, and they will be able to read it whenever they want, forever." He looks at Daisy and then at me. "That will happen with all the information about the trial as well. It will never disappear. And given the attention your case already has now, even though details aren't made public yet... You can imagine how big the attention will be once it truly starts." He looks at me knowingly, but when I just shrug, he continues. "It means everything about it will be out there forever, including who Daisy's father is. And when Dais is old enough, she will eventually stumble upon that information, whether it'll be intentional or not. And that means..."

"It means she will know what happened to me," I finish his sentence, suddenly understanding what he's trying to tell me.

Hero nods. "Yeah. She will. And she will know I'm not her biological father." He sighs, once again ghosting his lips over Daisy's head. "Listen, I'm not trying to convince you of anything. You need to do what you think is right. I just want you to realize what will happen. The English press isn't fluffy and kind, Jo. If something is interesting and juicy enough, they don't have boundaries or limits. It's been proven many times before. Just take that with you when you make decisions, okay love?"

I can't believe that I haven't thought about this until Hero mentioned it. He is right; there is no way I will be able to keep this from Daisy. Eventually, she will know what happened to me, with every consequence included.

I was so busy with fighting back, so consumed by having that piece of revenge and justice, I haven't thought about the consequences for Daisy for one second while I've always thought that I never want to burden her with my past.

"I'm not saying this for me," Hero softly whispers when I keep quiet. "I don't care what people think. Daisy and I have a bond that goes beyond people's opinions. I know what I am to her, what you let me be for her, and I hope that, when she is older, she knows that I love her like she is my own. I will make damn sure she'll always know that I love her like she is my own. But she will grow up, and especially during those teenage years -when life is already a disaster in her eyes because of all the changes that will hit her- she'll be confused. Or even more. and it might all feel like years ahead, but you have to think about that now because it's all laced together."

I nod, suddenly feeling very loaded. "Everything I do now will have a consequence for later. For her."

Why haven't I thought about this before? Was I really this selfish? Was I so in my head with fighting for myself and every other woman that has ever been through something similar, that I forgot about what it will mean for my daughter's future?

How could I?

"Jo," Hero starts when he sees tears form in my eyes. He then walks to the baby box that's standing next to the couch. He bought it for Daisy. Now that she is growing, she doesn't want to lay in our arms all the time. This way, she can move around and still be with us. When he's put her down, he returns to me, kneeling in front of me and laying his hands on my upper legs. "Jo, it's okay."

I shake my head, whipping my nose with the sleeve of my Bordeaux blouse. Old habits die hard. "It's not. I was so busy with myself and revenge that I didn't even think about what it would mean for her."

"That's why I'm here though," Hero reacts, one hand now on my upper arm, moving up and down. "I'm here to remind you. We're in this together. That's how relationships work. We call each other out when something happens and we support each other, no matter what."

I lift my head, finding his kind green eyes. It's the first time that he talks about us with the term relationship. It sounds nice but it also makes sure old fears crash in.

"Relationship?" I whisper, my voice a little heavy because I'm still crying.

He smiles shyly. "That's what we're in, yeah? Or are you randomly asking me to be the father of your daughter?"

His attempt to make me laugh only works half, and when he notices that, he squeezes my arm. "Hey, you know I'll help you, right? Now, but also when Dais is older and when she has questions?"

For some reason, I haven't dared to think about the future that far down the road. Sure, I thought about Daisy growing up, but not in the realistic sense, more abstract. Never with the thought that Hero and I would still be like this. Not because I don't want that, but because I kind of always kept in mind that Hero will eventually understand what he's getting into, only to realize that it's too much. And that thought petrifies me.

I'm traumatized. Badly. And although I'm looking up now, I have no idea what the trial will do to me. And the fear that Hero will eventually meet someone else -someone that's normal and happy and not broken- is too big. He's never given me a reason to believe that he'll leave, but realistically I just don't see how he'll stay.

I think I do it to protect myself. Hero and I have never really spoken about the far future. We've never talked about what happens when the trial is over. He only once mentioned it, on New Year's Eve, and he followed by saying he had too much alcohol.

"I've never really thought that far ahead," I quietly admit. "I mean, a lot can change in a few years. The trial can change things..."

At this, Hero frowns. "What do you mean?" He leans back a little as well, creating some distance. his hands drop to his sides, and I don't like that he's not touching me anymore.

"Well," I start, a lot more guarded since his gaze is making me nervous. "I know that this is all a lot. And we're focussing on me so much. I mean, the trial, therapy, Daisy. And I have no idea how long that will take. Maybe I'll need therapy my whole life. Eventually, you might be done with all that." I can see that he doesn't agree with what I'm saying at all. "With me. Not with Daisy, with me. You will always have Daisy. I want Daisy to have you," I therefore add.

But it doesn't seem to matter because Hero's expression stays the same. He stands, his hands now running through his hair. "You really think I would bail?" His accent is heavy, very much like when he talks to his friends. This time though, I'm not sure if it's a good thing.

I shrug, not finding the right words to explain. I don't necessarily think it, but I fear it. So badly. But before I have my words ready, he speaks, his tone a mix of disappointment and anger.

"After everything, you still think I'd leave you?" He shakes his head in disbelief. "I love you, Jo. I love you and your daughter. I can't fucking wait until her birth certificate includes my name. I'm fucking fantasizing about what will happen after the trial every chance I get, about you and me and our future, and you are doubting if I'll still be around?"

His demeanor throws me off guard completely and therefore all I can do is shake my head, but he doesn't even seem to notice.

"I'm here, fully committing to you, with my whole heart because I want you. I fucking want you for the long haul, and you think I'm throwing you out once the hard part is done? Jesus Christ, Jo, why the fuck would I?"

"I... I don't... I didn't mean..," I stutter. I'm at loss for words. How can I explain what's going through my mind?

"Fuck this." He shakes his head while he turns around. And for a moment, I'm convinced he'll leave. But right before he's stepped out of the living room, he turns around with force so he looks at me once more. "You know what yeah? I only want Daisy if I can have you. To me, you two are a package deal. You're crazy if you think I'd be able to look at that little girl, at her blue eyes that are identical to yours while knowing you're not mine. To know that eventually, there will be another fucker that she'll call her stepdad. No fucking way."

He sighs, blowing out a long breath which he seems to do to calm down. "My parents divorced, and I can tell you it was shit. It still is shit. It will always be shit, for the rest of my life. I don't want that for Dais. I want to give her stability and loving home, and I want to do that with you. Together."

He walks to the table and grabs his phone, putting it in the pocket of his track pants right after. "I know what I want, Jo. I've known from the moment I realized I love you. So maybe it's not me you should be doubting but yourself."

And with that, he turns and leaves, for real this time. I hear his march through the hallway, and when the door falls shut and silence falls over the apartment, I properly realize that I'm alone.

He really left.

And while I'm beyond confused about what just transpired, especially because it seems to have escalated so quickly, it hits me that I did not once feel scared or unsafe.

This is the first time Hero is mad at me. The first time someone outside of the five and Leonard has raised their voice to me, yet he didn't scare me. If I think about this more carefully, I can even admit that I understand where he's coming from.

Even when he's angry, he's gentle. I throw a glance at Daisy, and I see that she's looking at me through the bars of the box. Her two fingers are pressed between her lips, and if I didn't know any better, I'd swear she's not happy with me either.

"Don't look at me like that, sweetie," I mumble as I stand and walk over to her. The moment I'm standing next to the box, her legs and arms start to move frantically. It's something she always does like she is excited, and it makes me smile.

I pick her up and then walk to the corner of the couch where I sit down. On cue, she starts to search, and when I check the time I notice that it's already been three and a half hours since her last feeding. "Time flies, huh, baby?"

In response, she squirms, and then inpatient whimpers follow suit. Now that she smells me, she wants to drink, and every second that she needs to wait is a second too long.

I lift my shirt and unclasp my feeding bra before I offer her my nipple. She latches on immediately, sucking greedily as if she's starving. Within seconds the familiar sting follows, and when the milk spills free she finally relaxes while she starts to drink contently.

And as her tiny body slumps against me and her eyes close in comfort, I feel myself properly relax as well. I hadn't noticed I was tense, but now I do feel it. And as always, a moment with Daisy helps me to calm down.

I know why. It's because, during a feeding, I can't do anything else but let her drink. And the more I'm lost in my thoughts, the less she drinks. She feels it when I'm tensed or when my thoughts drift off, and she's always able to pull my attention back on her.

It's beautiful really. I'm so thankful that I can feed her like this. For fourteen weeks, I'm keeping her alive with my body. It's something I didn't dare to dream about when I was still pregnant. And once again, it's all because of Hero.

A half-hour, three big burps, and a clean diaper later, Daisy is full and content. I nestle back into the corner of the couch and pull my legs up, lying her on them so I can look at her. "I think I messed up a little," I mumble, breaking the silence that still hangs in the apartment.

In response, she smiles. She has no clue what I'm telling her. She just smiles, her eyes focussing on my face for just a moment before she is distracted once more.

She's changed; she is so wise now, and I feel like she's seeing more and more of her surroundings. Her hair is a little longer and a little darker brown than before, and her lashes have grown too. They are brown as well, and Hero's commented on them multiple times, saying that those eyes are going to be his ending. I know what he means; I can hardly believe I'll ever be able to deny her anything if she looks at me the way she's looking at me now.

She's chubby too. I can hardly remember or believe how small she was when I gave birth to her. In the hospital, she had to be monitored because they were scared she was too tiny and light, and now she is growing so fast, it's as if I need new clothes for her every single day.

When I was pregnant, I had so many fears. There were so many insecurities about my future and the future of my baby, and I never would've dared to hope that I would be sitting here like this, with a healthy, but mostly, with a happy baby girl in my lap. In a beautiful, cozy apartment that feels like home to both of us. Surrounded by people that help us and care for us.

Surrounded by Hero. Our Hero, in so many ways.

Guilt rises in my throat. It's a feeling that I haven't experienced as heavy before, and I hate it. Why did I say that to him? Why didn't I choose my words more carefully? "What do I do now?"

On cue, Daisy sighs deeply, a small high whimper leaving her mouth. If she was older and wiser, she would've probably rolled her eyes as well. And it's the perfect answer to my question really. It's as if she's telling me the answer is simple.

I need to talk to Hero and properly explain where my feelings are coming from, even though they are a tangled, uncertain mess that I hardly understand myself.

I carefully lift my hips a little so I can take my phone out of the back pocket of my jeans. When I push the button on the side, the photo that Mercy took of the three of us during our Christmas dinner lights up. It seems like so long ago; it's as if I'm looking at a completely different person. Somehow, I feel so much more confused and fragile now, and I know this is only the beginning. It's a terrifying realization.

I unlock my screen and then open the call app. Hero's name is on top of the list, and with one click my phone starts to search for contact. I hear the familiar waiting tone. Three times, four times, five times, and then it switches to a robotic voice that tells me he can't come to the phone right now.