I take a big gulp of my water while I try to ignore my stinging eyes and burning throat. The water soothes it somewhat, but I feel as if I've been screaming for hours. My breathing is uncontrollable, and my ribs hurt because of the constant sobs that take me by surprise every single time.

But it's out.

I've told her everything, and even though it hurts and I don't ever want to talk about it ever again, I know this was the right thing to do. Because if she didn't know everything, she wouldn't understand why I couldn't wait until tomorrow to talk to her.

When I called Alice and asked her if she had time for me today, she didn't even hesitate even though I know she has a family of her own with whom she probably spends today given the fact that it's the first day of the new year. She even let me decide on the time, and she kept repeating how happy she was that I called her.

But after settling on noon because Hero has an evening shift, I realized what it meant. What it actually meant that I wanted to talk to her today instead of tomorrow. It means that, even though I've only spoken to her for three sessions, I trust her. I know she is there to help me because that's what everybody says, but during the last session I had with her, I felt it too.

I felt how liberating it is to talk to someone that doesn't know me. Someone that isn't involved in the situation whatsoever. Someone who looks at the situation emotion-free, or at least with less emotion than everybody else I know. Someone that is a woman too.

And it was precisely that liberating feeling, along with the new-found trust I discovered, that made me tell Hero to pick me up around two. Because the moment he drove me here, I knew I was going to tell Alice everything. And I knew it would take a while.

I've told her the whole truth. Every little thing I can remember from the moment he took me until the moment Hero found me. I've shared things that I never wanted to replay ever again. Personal things about what they did to me. Things that I will never tell Hero because I know he won't ever touch me again if he knew. Not because he thinks I'm disgusting; he has proven to me that that's the last thing on his mind when he touches me. No, I'm afraid he will never touch me again because the things they did were so cruel, he'd be convinced that his touch would never feel good to me.

I could tell Alice didn't see all the details coming. She rubbed her eyes and placed her hand over her mouth multiple times, and although she didn't cry, I did see emotions flash over her face a few times. It doesn't surprise me; even though I still feel what they did to me, talking about it makes it even more real. And also even more unrealistic that I survived, to be honest.

And now that everything is out in the open, I do feel that relief I had yesterday too. I feel horrible, spend, and tired, but the relief is overpowering. And despite Alice suggesting that it is enough for today, I told her it wasn't. Because now that she knows everything, every single question and uncertainty is waiting for an answer.

Answers that I hope she can give me, or at least push me in the right direction to find the correct answers myself.

Alice knows about the article as well. She's read it which proves that it comes to people's attention fast. She asked me about it the moment I walked in, first figuring out how I felt about it before questioning if I have any idea who could've told them.

I honestly have no idea. The only people that know about the situation are professionals and people that Hero trusts. The idea that someone betrays that trust -professional or friend- makes me want to hide in a room and never come out again, and that says a lot coming from me.

I told her I didn't know, but it was the perfect opening for what I wanted to share with her. And now, about fifty minutes later, I'm finally able to take a deep breath of air as I take the last few sips from my glass. I wipe my eyes with the sleeve of Hero's sweater -for whatever reason he insisted I wore it today and I couldn't refuse since it smells like him- and then sit up straight so I can focus on my breathing.

Across from me, Alice is watching me intently while she's taking a sip of her water as well. I can tell she is at the loss of words; her finger is mindlessly scrolling over the tablet in front of her, her eyes only ever so often actually looking at the screen.

I know that she has excess to my files; she told me that and I'm almost positive that she's read them as well. But I can tell that hearing the truth from me -the truth that was first only based on assumptions of police officers and medical staff- has made an impact on her.

And weirdly enough, that reaction makes the hurt of telling a little less difficult, and the pride because I dared to tell her a little bigger. It gives me perspective and hope; maybe I'm not that broken after all and maybe -with a lot of help from the right people- I can eventually see myself as more than their possession.

"How are you feeling now that you've told me everything?" Alice eventually breaks the silence after she's finished her glass of water completely. She's placed the tablet on the small table in front of us, and her hands are folded and laying in her lap. Now more than ever, I feel how her full attention is solely on me, and it's almost as if she asks this question because she really wants to know, and not because it's what her professionalism requires of her.

"Relieved but very tired. It hurts, but at the same time, it lifts something very heavy. Talking about everything also means replaying everything in my head, and that's the hardest thing. Especially because you're the first one that knows every detail about what they did to me when..," I don't want to repeat it, and thankfully Alice catches on immediately, holding up her hand to tell me she understands.

"Why did you feel the need to tell me this today? Is it because of the article?" She flawlessly reads in between the lines, picking the connections before I have completely linked them myself. It's remarkable, and for some reason, it's only adding my trust in her.

I slowly nod my head. "Among other things, yes."

For a short moment, she waits if I'm going to elaborate, but when I don't, she leans forward to grab her tablet once more. "What about the article terrifies you? What about it made you tell me all this?"

For the first time since Hero showed me the article, I'm properly thinking about the feelings that rushed through me at that exact moment. The first thing I felt was no doubt protective. The need to protect Daisy has never been as strong and all-consuming as it is now, and it's because I don't want her to know what happened to me. I don't want her to have that burden, but I'm aware that this article will not leave any time soon. Hero told me that, even though the people that work for Martha are going to try, the chances are almost zero.

The second thing that I felt, was fear. Fear that I recognize from the last few years in that apartment. A fear on a level that's almost unbearable, caused by what the five men did to me. And now, it's there because I'm afraid they'll read that article too. I'm afraid that they will know where Daisy and I are, and I'm petrified that they will search for me to make sure I won't talk.

And then there is the whole realization about everybody knowing it. From now on, everywhere Hero and I go, they will know who I am. They will know who Daisy is, and they will know what Hero isn't to me and her.

It immediately brings back the sight of Hero and Daisy in that restaurant yesterday; how easy he was with her. How I realized that I want him to be her father. How the kind server thought that she was ours instead of mine. Those little assumptions -those looks- will never be the same.

Now, they will look at us and think; that's her, the girl that was locked up all her life. The girl that was held against her will while she was pregnant. That girl that got pregnant by one of her rapists. It won't be the same.

"The idea that everybody knows," I answer her, settling on the sentence that describes everything that ran through my mind just now best. "For as long as I can remember, nobody but him knew I existed. And after a few years, five more people knew. But now I feel like the entire United Kingdom knows, and it scares me."

Alice's fingers expertly move over the screen while she nods her head, and her eyes find my face the moment she's done with typing. "Are you ashamed of what happened to you? Is that why the idea of everybody knowing scares you?"

I think about her question properly, questioning myself if I ever felt ashamed. There were moments in that apartment that I did feel shame, but that shame always came forth because of how degrading their actions were. From the moment Hero found me, I've never felt shame. Not because of what happened to me, and not even when he helped me deliver Daisy. I just felt relief that I wasn't alone anymore.

"I don't think I'm ashamed," I eventually answer her. "I'm afraid that they will find me. That he will read the article and that he'll find out where I am. That they'll take Daisy from me."

"Are you afraid that they will make sure you don't talk?" Alice counters immediately and all I can do is nod my head.

During the years in that apartment, there were a few times that I was afraid they would kill me. Moments that they just kept going for so long, I lost every sense of time and consciousness. Those were moments that I was convinced I couldn't wake up. Maybe I even hoped I wouldn't wake up. I know what they are capable of, and I'm almost confident that they would kill to make sure nothing about them comes out.

"What if you talk, Jo?" Alice then asks, and when she sees my confused expression, she sits up straight. "What if you decide to talk? What if you fight them, properly this time? What if you finally let your voice be heard, and by that acknowledge that you are a survivor? What if you won't be silent anymore?"

There is a type of fire in her eyes that wasn't there before, and I feel it radiating onto me. It's intense, but I'm not sure if it's intense in a good or bad way. "What do you mean?"

"I think the question that you need to ask yourself is simple. Do you want them to have control over you still? Do you want to live your life in fear because they are still out there? Do you want to always feel the need to hide or do you want to take that control from them?"

"I want control," I answer without even thinking over her questions properly. If there is one thing I want, it's control. I want control over what I'm feeling and over the choices that I make. I want control over the questions that I have. I want the power and control to keep my daughter safe.

Alice nods, a small, somewhat proud smile forming her lips. "Then you need to fight," she simply states.

"Fight?" How can a weak, broken girl like me fight against those six men?

"Fight," she confirms, this time with a strong voice. "I don't think you realize that you hold the key to your own control, Josephine. There is a team out there waiting for you to lead them. The best team of this district is assigned to your case, and they are waiting for you. They have one man in custody already, and they are waiting for you to lead them to the other five. They need you to make sure they are punished for what they did."

I have never heard her talk this passionately before, and it surprises me as much as it confuses me. How in the world would they need me to lead them?

"But how? What could I possibly do to fight him?"

Alice leans forward and moves her hand over mine, gripping it tightly while her eyes bore into mine. "You can talk. The moment you talk and tell the police what they did to you, he won't ever have control over you again. When you tell them what they did, there is a case that's based on so much more than just the assumptions they have now. You're a survivor Josephine, and your statement weighs so heavy, he won't stand a chance."

"But I don't know who they are," I protest, still not seeing how I could possibly lead to his conviction. I'm just me. What if they won't believe me?

"You don't have to. You just have to tell the police everything you know. You know what they look like and you know what they did to you. That's enough. The rest is up to the police, and I can reassure you they have the most skilled and experienced people on your case. They will find out. But it starts with you, just like it can only end with you, for you."

I let her words sink in for a moment, and the more I replay them in my head, the more sense they make. They scare me, no doubt, but somewhere deep down, she pulls a string that tells me to do what she says. That begs me to fight to rectify all those years of torture.

"You don't have to decide right away," Alice says after a moment. "I just want you to realize that the only way up, the only way to a future that won't include them and the fear, is by demanding control. Your control, Josephine. It belongs to you."

''But I feel like their victim," I weakly respond. To be honest, I have no idea what I want right now. I need to let Alice's words settle before I can properly think over the option.

Alice squeezes my hand once again, pulling my thoughts back on her completely. "Only until the moment you start to see yourself as a survivor."

I'm once again speechless as I repeat her words in my head. A survivor. It's up to me. "Can I think about it?"

For a split second, what seems like an endeared smile flashes over Alice her face. It's so brief, before I fully register it, it's gone. "You should. I'm not here to tell you what to do."

I nod and fumble with the strings of Hero's sweater as I let this loaded subject fade for a while. I need time to think through my options, and I want to talk to Hero about it as well. As a part of the police, he might be able to tell me more about my case and what they've done up until now.

It's all such a big mess and I don't want to get caught in it.

"Is there something else you want to discuss?" Alice asks, and for some reason, I feel like she already knows the answer to that question. The way she's looking at me, her expression curious as she scans my face, I'm almost sure she's expecting another subject to discuss.

I take a deep breath and try to clear my thoughts as I think about how I can best formulate what I want to tell her. "There is one other thing that confuses me," I start, deciding to filter as little as possible.

"Yes?" Alice encourages me by nodding, her expression back to neutral.

"Well, as you know, Daisy and I have been staying with Hero since we came from the hospital," I start, to which Alice nods. She keeps looking at me questioningly, giving me all the room to talk. "And since then Hero and I have been... closer," I settle on after searching for the right word. Why is this so hard?

Alice frowns but quickly recovers. "Closer?"

"Yes." I nod. "Closer. At first, we could talk easily and he made me feel comfortable. He took care of me and Daisy in the very beginning, and therefore he is the one I trust the most. And since a few days, that feeling of trust seems to grow."

I see how Alice slowly nods her head as what I say starts to make sense to her. "Has the contact between you two changed as well?" I find it difficult to tell her how close Hero and I have become, but thankfully, her question makes it a little easier.

"Yes. We've kissed. And since a few nights, I'm sleeping in his bed with him." I feel how my cheeks heat up and I'm not sure why. It's the awkwardness because it feels as if I'm admitting something I shouldn't do, along with the slight fear that she will question my trauma.

But Alice just nods her head for me to continue. Her expression doesn't tell me anything about what she thinks of my confession. She doesn't judge, she just listens to what I want to tell her.

"I've taken a shower with him too. Yesterday," I continue, ignoring the flutter in my stomach that confuses me as I think about his warm skin against mine.

"Is it nice? All the things you do with him, do you like doing them with him?" She asks, once again placing the tablet on the table in front of her.

I slowly nod my head and fight the urge to bury my face in my hands. "Yes. It feels nice. And I feel safe. But..."

"Yes?" Alice presses, again with an encouraging nod.

"It confuses me too. The last couple of days, I've been feeling things that suggest something that I shouldn't want." My hands are sweaty as I confess my thoughts for the first time, my eyes cast down as I wipe my palms against my legging.

"Why shouldn't you want them?"

I frown as her question surprises me, not expecting her to ask this. I'd expected her to agree with me; to tell me that it is indeed not what I should be thinking about right now. That I should solely focus on recovering and processing my trauma.

"Because of what they did to me," I tell her while looking at her knowingly. "How can I want things from Hero that broke me? How can I look at him and feel this way, while they scarred me like that? That can't be normal, Alice."

I feel the emotion rise once more, and this time it's purely because I'm so confused. I don't understand what's happening with my feelings, and all I want to do is shut them off.

"Does Hero force you to do anything that you don't want?" She carefully asks, and I immediately feel a sting in my chest. How could she think that?

"No!" I tell her while furiously shaking my head. "He doesn't. He is so patient with me. And he is the sweetest with Daisy and me. He would never do that."

"Have you talked to Hero about this?" Alice asks, ignoring my change in tone. She keeps her composure the same, seemingly unaffected by how I just raised my voice.

"No, I haven't," I tell her, leaning back against my chair and wiping my eyes with the sleeve once more. In reaction, Alice chuckles while she takes a tissue from the box that stands on the table.

"Here," she says, offering me the thin piece of paper. "I want to help you, but I suggest you discuss this with him. You know, Josephine, it all comes back to control. In the end, the only one that can lead you and your daughter to that bright light is you. You have to learn to trust on yourself, your mind, and your body. You have to trust the decisions you're going to make based on those feelings. The moment you do that, you'll be able to take back that control. Although I have the idea that in this particular situation, you already have that control. You're just not trusting yourself."

"What do you mean?" I wipe the tissue across my nose, inhaling in a very un-feminine way to prevent my nose from running.

Alice just smiles as she folds her hands in her lap. "Start trusting yourself, Josephine. And don't be so hard on your thoughts and feelings. They are there for a reason."

"What reason?" I counter immediately. She can't be this vague, it leaves me with more questions than I had in the first place.

"What do you think?" She raises her left eyebrow slightly. "Why do you think you feel that way around Hero?"