Soft whimpers wake me from my sleep, my head pounding slightly as I open my eyes. For a moment I have to get used to my surroundings, but soon I see the Christmas tree with Daisy's bauble, and the events of yesterday and last night come back.

I move my head slightly and then feel a type of warmth against my cheek that makes me jump up instantly. My heartbeat accelerates and for a moment my whole body feels frozen as I look at where I was laying moments ago.

Hero is laying on his back, Daisy on his chest while she is starting to wake from her sleep which is causing the whimpers that woke me. His arm is sticking out which serves as evidence of where my head was laying just moments ago.

On his chest. With his arm wrapped around me. And I didn't have a nightmare or freak out. Again, his touch didn't freak me out and didn't cut right through me like a burning flame.

I take a deep breath to calm myself down and organize my thoughts. I shouldn't be surprised, yet every time he touches me, I'm reminded of how I should despise the feeling. How I should hate how his arms feel when he holds me and how I should hate how he fights every demon while I can't even do that myself.

I should keep him at a distance -my brain and body should feel entirely different when he's around- but I can't.

When he touches me - just the small graze of his arm against mine or the hug that he gave me when we decorated the tree- I don't feel all those hands that haunt me at night. I don't feel dirty and in pain. I don't feel the need to fight back. All I feel when he touches me is him, and it's so confusing, I'm hardly able to enjoy it.

I look at Daisy, who is now wide awake and looking at me while she sucks on her two fingers. She's lost her cramps, and my full, painfully heavy breasts make me question just how long we slept.

I throw a glance at the kitchen, where on the oven the time reads thirty-five past twelve. No wonder I feel as if I'm about to explode; she hasn't drunk in over eight hours. The fact that she slept for more than seven hours straight baffles me too, and without a doubt, I know that the cause of that is the tall, brown-haired man that's still completely knocked out in front of me.

Daisy feels safe in his arms. I can tell by how she is still laying across his chest right now. She knows him and seems to have a connection with him. Her wide eyes -that thankfully have my hues- which now have found the flickering lights of the tree, look utterly peaceful. Her small body seems even tinier while she's spread across his chest, and his hand is huge compared to her tiny frame.

His nose is touching the top of her head, her brown hairs reminding me of the memories of when she was conceived, even though I'm not precisely sure when that was. I should hate her hair color, but I can't. I can't hate her, even though she is the result of horrific events that haunt me.

I can't hate her, because she is half mine too. She is half theirs, but also half mine, and therefore, she is everything I have. She is the only thing in this entire world, that's truly mine, even though just for half of her.

Her kicks kept me sane all those months she was still safe inside me, and now her cries remind me to fight. I need to fight to make sure she has a proper future.

I need to get myself on track so I can give her everything she deserves.

Daisy whimpers again, this time a little louder and it's my cue to carefully take her from Hero's chest. He stirs and turns slightly, but doesn't wake up. The moment Daisy's in my arms, she starts to cry, no doubt because she's suddenly reminded of how hungry she is.

As fast as I can so her cries won't wake Hero, I attach her to my right breast, and she starts sucking greedily right away. The familiar sting towards my nipple follows, and the moment she tastes the milk, she relaxes against me. She closes her eyes, her small hand finds it's go-to spot on the swell of my breast, and she cuddles against me with her tiny body.

I lean against the couch, making myself comfortable as well, knowing that this will take about fifteen minutes before I need to switch her to my other breast.

I never could've hoped I would be able to feed her like this. I'm so happy that I eventually could, and I'm enjoying every feeding as if it's the last. It's the moment when we're both utterly relaxed, and I know she pulls comfort out of it as much as I do.

It's a magical moment, every time.

I can't seem to take my eyes off her. Every time I look at her, I'm amazed by how -in just shorter than nine months- such a perfect little bundle was made. I'm shocked how an act so cruel and violent, can make such a sweet creature like this. And I shouldn't think too much about how men that are that filthy, aggressive, and gross can make such an angel.

Men. It's maybe the worst thing about this whole situation. Men because I don't know who her father is. There were five of them, but I think I'm able to narrow it down to two, given her brown hair color.

I don't wish to know for sure though. The only thing I hate about it is that I can never tell her who her father is. She will always wonder who he is, and she will always have questions about her roots. It's something that I won't be able to fix for her, both because I don't ever want her to know how she was conceived, and because I don't know anything about the two men except for the fact that I saw them regularly, each two times a week.

On Sunday and Wednesday. Like I was a check-list.

Tears sting in my eyes as I think back, my throat tight and breathing shallow. I shouldn't allow the memories in my mind because I can't handle them. Every time I think about it, it's as if I'm there all over again.

I feel their hands. I feel the hard, dirty mattress underneath me. I feel the cold metal tightly wrapped around my wrists. I feel everything; the pain, the shame, the fear.

I wipe the tears from my cheeks, using the sleeve of my free arm before I look down at Daisy once again. She's the one that takes the pain away and pulls my thoughts away from the dark places I don't ever want to return to.

A silent sob leaves my lips before I lick them to fight the dryness. I try to control my breathing once more, forcing the memories out of my mind and focussing on the little girl in my arms. I have to be strong, for her.

I move my free hand over her soft hairs and watch how her eyes open for just a second to see who's touching her before they close again. She looks utterly content, completely depending on me and trusting me to take care of her. She's beautiful. She really is.

Movements in the corner of my eye tear my attention away from Daisy, and when I look at Hero, I see that his eyes are open. He is clearly confused for a moment; staring at the Christmas tree with thick, sleepy eyes while he ruffles his hair with his hand.

He stretches, and then slowly and lazily turns his head towards me so he is facing me. His eyes flicker from my face to Daisy. The corner of his mouth moves up slightly as he sees that she's drinking, his eyes opening a little further with what I assume is an endearment gaze.

"Morning," his hoarse, sleep-filled voice says, his eyes moving up to meet mine again.

"Good morning," I whisper with a small smile. "She was hungry," I tell him right after as a matter of explanation.

He nods and lifts a little so he is sitting with his back against the couch. He then pulls his phone from his pocket. The moment he sees the time, his eyes widen. "Wow. Did she only woke up just now?"

A small giggle leaves my lips as I nod. It's funny how he is just as surprised as I was about the fact that she slept for so long. "She did," I confirm, looking down at her again. Her eyes are open now, no doubt because she hears our voices.

"How did you sleep?" He asks, eyeing me curiously.

"Good," I honestly tell him. "I woke up because she was whimpering and then I noticed how full I felt." My cheeks heat up slightly as I give him this information. I'm not entirely sure why I say it, but he doesn't even blink. He just nods in understanding before his gaze falls on Daisy once more.

The shirt I'm wearing -one of the many that Mercy left for me- is a little tighter than usual, therefore I'm not able to cover up entirely. It makes me very aware of myself, yet Hero doesn't even look at it. He's in awe of Daisy, and I doubt he even notices how my entire breast is visible.

Or maybe he just is very good at hiding that part.

His hand reaches over and grabs one of her feet, his thumb moving over the sole. She's lost her sock during her sleep, her pink small foot is sticking out of the romper she is wearing while the other is still covered.

"Her toes are so tiny," he mumbles full wonder.

I nod my head in agreement but otherwise stay quiet. It's a weirdly intimate setting we're in. I'm feeding her, and he is leaning close and touching her feet. It's nice, but at the same time, I try not to let it affect me. If I do, it will be so much harder when I have to leave again.

"And then to think she was even smaller when she was born," he continues, his voice soft and his eyes still on Daisy's foot in his hand.

I think back to the moment she was born. I was so scared, but somehow Hero kept me from freaking out. I remember how every shame was gone, and I relied on him completely. At that moment, I -for the first time since I could remember- trusted somebody entirely. I trusted him to help me and make sure Daisy was safe. During birth but also when I felt myself slipping away after she was born.

And he did. He kept her safe. He kept both of us safe.

"Were you scared?" I ask him, and his head moves up in surprise. "When you saw me on that floor?"

He slowly nods his head before clearing his throat. "Yeah. I mean, when we got the call, we thought it was about a cat or some other kind of pet. So I was surprised when I saw it was you."

Somehow his explanation makes me giggle. I think it's the nerves; this is the first time we are talking about Daisy's birth. "And not a cat."

He chuckles and nods. "Yeah. But somehow I could shake it off easily. Especially when I saw how much pain you had and how panicked you were. I figured I needed to act as if everything was going to be okay."

Daisy lets go of my nipple with a pop, and we both look at her once again. There is a small trail of milk running from the corner of her mouth, her eyes are open, and she looks very full.

"Looks like she needs to burp," Hero chuckles, voicing my thoughts.

I pull my shirt over my exposed breast and then carefully lift Daisy over my shoulder. She's up for a second before the first loud burp escapes from her tiny form.

Hero laughs and I giggle as well. "That such a sound can come from such a tiny girl," he says, shaking his head. "You know, the first time I fed her, she burped that hard as well. I was shocked."

I smile and think back on how he explained that he'd finger-fed her. He looked so awkward, and I felt just as awkward too. I had no idea how to react or how to feel. I was jealous that he'd given her the first feeding while I wasn't even there, but I was also thankful that he made sure I could still breastfeed her.

From the moment I met him, Hero proved that I can trust him. He never lied to me, and always kept his promises. If there is anyone in this entire world that I trust with Daisy completely, it's him. I'm happy that she has him and had him in the first few hours after she was born.

"You don't know how much it means to me that you kept her safe and warm while I couldn't," I softly whisper while kissing Daisy's head. I can't look at him; I feel too vulnerable, but I still want him to know how much I appreciate what he did. "You offered her comfort and warmth during the first hours of her life, and I believe that she still remembers that. Her start was weird and chaotic and I wasn't there, but the thought that you gave her the love I couldn't give her at that moment, means the world to me."

I swallow my tears away, hoping that he doesn't notice. But he does. And without warning, he wraps his arm around me and pulls me against him. When I'm leaning against his chest, his other arm wraps around me as well. Daisy and I are both trapped in his embrace, and once again the feeling of safety engulfs me. There is no darkness and no fear. It's just him, his arms, and his steady heartbeat against my cheek.

"I know how much it means to you, Jo," he mumbles in my hair, the short version of my name coming from his lips giving me goosebumps. "It means just as much to me that you let me come that close to her."

It's all he says. No long speech with heavy words, no sentences that don't seem to end. Just those words, along with the kiss that he leaves on my head, that bring warmth to my heart and light in my head.

After a minute or two, his vibrating phone disturbs the moment, and with an apologetic glance my way he pulls back so he can take his phone from his pocket once again. He doesn't walk away though; he stays on the couch as he answers the phone.

"Hi, mum," he greets the person on the other end. I occupy myself in offering Daisy my other breast, which she takes after two tries. I need her to drink at least a few gulps to get rid of the full feeling.

"They are doing great," Hero says while throwing a glance our way, and I give him a small smile in confirmation.

"Mum," Hero sighs after a short silence in which he listened to his mother on the other end. He also turns away slightly, and I look down at Daisy to make it a little less obvious that I can hear everything he says. "I've already told you it's a bit much for them. They just came from the hospital."

Without hearing the question of his mother, I know what this is about. She's inviting us to come over today. Hero mentioned it briefly, but also added that he'd already declined. I was happy about it back then since I wasn't feeling comfortable with meeting all those people at all.

And although I'm still not feeling entirely comfortable with the idea, there is this nagging feeling of being rude and unthankful in my gut.

Hero's sister Mercy, his brother and sister-in-law, and mother did so much for me. I know they did, even though Hero remains vague about it. Mercy helped me in the hospital and gave me all these clothes. Hero's brother helped him with fixing a room for me, and his girlfriend arranged a whole wardrobe for Daisy. And his mother helped as well. I know she did, and to top it off, she is inviting me to her home for Christmas because she doesn't want Daisy and I to be alone.

Maybe it will be good for me to be around people. Maybe the thought is scarier than the actual action. And Hero will be with us the entire time. I should just go. I owe them a thanks.

So, I move my free hand to Hero's shoulder to catch his attention, and when he turns to face me, I nod my head slowly. "If we're still welcome, we can go."

He eyes me for a moment, his eyes slightly wide and doubt covering his face. "Mum, I'll call you back in a second," he says before he takes the phone from his ear and pushes the red button. "Are you sure? You don't have to."

I nod my head again, this time more determined. "I'm sure. I'd like to meet them and thank them for helping you. I just don't have any fancy clothes to wear," I giggle, trying to lighten the mood.

He chuckles and shakes his head. "Don't worry about that. Are you really sure?" He asks again.

"I'm sure, Hero," I tell him, squeezing his arm to give my words more power. This will be good for me. A first step in my way to being strong. For Daisy.

His eyes scan my face one more time before he slowly nods his head. "Okay. I'll call my mum. She'll be ecstatic."

I smile and then look at Daisy, who has stopped drinking. She's looking at me, her blue orbs bright and clear. As if she feels what a huge step I just took, she lays her tiny hand on the swell of my breast en nestles her fingers into my skin. And I might be imagining it, but I swear she -for one short second- gives me a sloppy, smile which causes another trail of milk to run out of her mouth.

The small smile is gone as fast as it came, but it's the reassurance I needed to know this will be a good thing. For Daisy and me. It will be good.

_______________________________________

🖤