Daisy

I woke to soft, feathery sheets enveloping me; memory foam surrounding my head; and a big, strong arm wrapped across me. Nate was holding onto me as if I was about to slip out of his hold if he didn't. Fingers curled around my waist, while the rest of his rock solid body pressed against my back. I hummed contently. I'd missed this so much being in hospital. The beds were uncomfortable and my gorgeous boyfriend - no fiancé - wasn't beside me all night, holding me tight.

"Morning, beautiful." His husky voice was music to my ears, so sexy and hot.

I turned so I was facing him. Sleep looked good on him, his eyes were heavy and his hair was more tousled than usual. "You're so sexy."

"As much as I want to ravage you right now, and show you just how sexy I can be," He growled, nipping at my earlobe. "Hope is due in school today and there's nothing better than her mommy being able to take her."

A big smile spread across my face. I'd completely forgot about Hope being back at school. "When does she finish for the Christmas holidays?"

"End of this week, so we thought maybe she would like to go back for a few days." Nate had informed that she had been doing work from home, having regular visits from the school. Apparently, the stress of me not being here was getting too much for her. My heart ached for my baby girl.

He stood from the bed, stark naked and practically gleaming in the light. He was beyond gorgeous, he was so hot I could feel my blood rushing south. As soon as Hope was at school, I was having this man for myself. Twice last night wasn't enough.

"Sorry baby, but you can't have me just yet." He mocked, reading my mind. He walked into the bathroom and I shook the image out my head. I had to focus. I had to take Hope to school.

I looked down at my ring as I pulled a pair of yoga leggings on, and threw a T-shirt over my head. It was rose-gold and shining so bright. It was beautiful. How he'd managed to pick something so perfect, I had no idea. I couldn't wait to marry him and call myself Mrs Clarke. I sighed as I remembered that first I needed a divorce from Robert, which shouldn't be too difficult if he's in prison. Only, he wasn't. He'd fallen off the face of the Earth, nowhere to be seen. I just hoped to god he wasn't watching me, spying on my every move. How was I supposed to take Hope to school and trust that she was safe there?

That thought sent a shiver shooting across my body, I didn't want to take her. I wanted her here where I could see her. I began to panic, my chest tightened, breaths heavy and my hands began to shake with pins and needles. I bent over the drawers, trying to catch my breath and take slow, deep breaths, but it wasn't working. I could feel the room spinning, my eyes couldn't focus.

"Oh my god, Daisy!" Nate knelt beside me and pulled me so I was sat on the floor with my head between my legs. "Just breathe, baby. Everything is okay. I'm here." He ran his arms up and down my arms, soothing me a little. I start to calm, his presence made me feel safe and protected.

"H-hope." I managed to get out, still trying to catch my breath.

"What about her? She's fine, she's asleep."

"No-" I shook my head. "She needs to stay here, she's not safe at school." Tears were marring my cheeks, making them sticky where they had dried. I hadn't even noticed the tears fall.

"Baby, just calm down. Okay? Everything will be okay." He continues to rub my arms, and I practically leaped into his lap. His arms engulfed me tight, surprisingly not making my breathing worse but actually calming me, and shushed me till I was relaxed.

After ten minutes of agonising pain, horrific panic, and struggling to breath, I lifted my head to notice an excessive amount of water on his chest from my tears. His eyes were focused intently on me, worry swimming through them. Guilt bit at me.

"I'm sorry-"

"Baby you don't need to apologise. It's okay."

We were still in the middle of the floor. I stood, pulling him with me.

"I'll call Hopes teacher, we won't send her back until after Christmas. And then later, you're going to tell me why you got so worked up about her going, albeit I have an idea." He kissed my forehead as he left to make his call.

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"How about we take Hope to the park?" Nate suggested. We'd had breakfast nearly an hour ago, and Hope was getting frustrated. She'd been jumping around all morning as it is, now she was ecstatic to do something.

After I told him why I got worked up, I'm surprised he's suggesting such a thing. The thought alone was making me uneasy.

"Baby, we can't keep her and yourself locked up forever. We can't let him win." He had a point, and I didn't want that, but I couldn't help it. I was more worried about Hope than myself, but now he'd said it, there was risk he could hurt me again. Because of him, we lost our baby and there was no way I was risking losing anyone else. He could shoot Nate this time and I couldn't think about the possibility.

"I get that, but he could hurt any of us. He could do anything."

"And I'll be there to protect you, so will the police." He said, trying to reassure me. But if anything it made me flip.

"And who's protecting you? Huh? Who's going to be standing making sure you won't get hurt? Because I don't think I'll forgive myself if something happens to you, Nate." Tears were threatening. Again. I was sick to death of crying. I couldn't cope with all this stress. "We lost our baby. If I lose you," I shook my head, unable to speak the words. He had to understand this was difficult for me, surely.

"Daisy, nothing is going to happen to me. The police are there to protect us all. Please don't be like this, you can't live your life inside all the time." His eyes were pleading with me, but all I saw was the fear reflecting from my own. I couldn't risk his life. Maybe I was being selfish, but I couldn't live without him or Hope.

"I'm sorry, I can't." I left for the bedroom, leaving him sitting on his own.

Within seconds I heard his feet following. He smashed his lips on mine, needy and aggressive. "I will not let you subject yourself like this because of Robert! I love you way too much and I'm not letting it happen, beautiful. No fucking way."

"What do you suggest I do then? Experience panic attack after panic attack each time I open the front door? Each time you go outside? I can't do it, Nate!" I screamed, forgetting Hope was in the other room most likely listening.

"No because I'm going to help you. We can do this together, you just need a little help-"

"Don't! You don't understand, Nate! He will never be found and we always be living in his shadows. In fear that he will be back. I don't think I can do this to you."

The thought of doing what I'm about to do breaks me. But I know he will leave him alone if I do. This time I've got to be strong, I've got to do it. I have to leave.

"I love you so much. But it's not enough, baby. I can't protect you, look after you. And I can't put you through this." I reached for the ring on my finger, which hadn't even been here twenty four hours, but his hand stopped me.

"Don't do this. You're just stressed, this is an irrational thought. I need you, Daisy. I can't live without you. I don't need protecting or looking after and I've already been through this. You can't walk away and think I won't be involved anymore, because I will. Please."

I continued to pull the ring off my finger. "No, please. Stop. Fuck! No!" He grabbed my face and kissed me, it was more aggressive than the other, messy and rich of emotion. The love that radiates from him made my heart literally break. But he was better off without me. This argument was proof, he didn't understand that him getting hurt would break me. I had to prevent it from happening.

"I love you, Nate. I always will." I kissed his cheek, grabbed a few things and hurried towards Hopes room.

"Come on, baby. We're going to auntie Amanda's."

"But why mommy? Why are you and daddy arguing?"

Oh fuck. Daddy. Fuck! She sees him as her daddy, what was I doing? I was about to break my own daughters heart. I took a long sharp breath and threw some things in my bag.

"Daisy, please." He cried from the doorway, tears streaming down his cheeks. "I'm not letting you leave here. You need help, I've called Amanda over here and she can talk to you. If you leave, it will only make you worse baby."

I sobbed as I leaned against the drawers. He was right. The thought of no longer having him was breaking my insides, but him getting hurt and possibly dying was hurting me even more. His life was in my hands, what was I supposed to do? He came up behind me, picked me up off the floor and carried me out of Hopes room.

"No, put me down. I have to go." I fought against him, but he was too strong.

"No, I'm not putting you down. Fuck, Daisy! Look what he's done to you!"

The same tightness as earlier filled my chest, along with the pins and needles in my fingers and the dizziness. I gripped Nate to try and breathe, but failed. I knew that deep down I didn't want to leave him, even as I looked into his tear stricken eyes, I would always irrevocably be in love with him. But fear got too much. I don't know what I'm doing anymore.

"Daisy?!" Amanda came shooting into the bedroom to us, but not before ushering Hope back to her own room. My poor baby was witnessing me have a breakdown.

"What are you doing? Look at me! You don't want to do this, okay? It's just your anxiety speaking. Remember all the time's you turned this man down because your anxiety got too much? Well that's what's happening now. You love him, Daisy. You can't live without him. You need to calm down or I'm going to call a doctor. This is not you, it's not the Daisy I know."

I had two pairs of eyes lingering on me, one full of tears and another full of fear.

"Baby, I love you. I know you're worried something will happen to me, but it won't. I promise you. I promise I will always be here."

I sobbed at his words. I knew all this. I just let my anxiety get the better of me. He cradled me closer to his chest and I felt Amanda move away. "I'll go check Hope."

I nodded, unable to speak, and held onto Nate. "I'm sorry."

"It's okay, just please don't leave me. I can't live without you. You're my whole world, beautiful." Each time he calls me that, my heart swells. I was a mess. And he was right, I did need help. Robert had well and truly ruined me. Destroyed me. Corrupted and damaged.

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