I made too many mistakes, better get this right

-Ariana Grande

He asked me to take him to his apartment. He didn't want to face his parents when he was like this, and Tobias was out of town. So I took him there. When we reached, I'd got out of the car behind him and followed him inside, saying that I wasn't going to leave him when he was in that condition.

But that wasn't the only reason. I'd tried gathering all my strength on the drive, tried to frame sentences in my head on how I was going to tell him everything. He needed to know why I was the way I was, and if after listening to my shitty past, he still wanted to be with me, I would never let go.

So currently I was rummaging through his drawers to find a first aid kit. His knuckles were raw, reddish white, and I wasn't going to sit back and see him in pain. I internally beamed when I found it, and I went over to his room. He was sitting on the bed, looking at the wall, his eyes looking dazed.

When he heard me come in and looked down at my hands, he sighed. "That really isn't necessary."

"Well I'm doing it whether you like it or not."

Theo rolled his eyes but didn't say anything. He shifted his legs apart as I stood in between them and brought his wrists up. He hissed when I accidentally brushed my fingers against his sensitive flesh. I applied an ointment on them, making sure to keep my touch very gentle and soft. I looked down at him to find his eyes already on me. His hands were warm, like always. He was always warm. I looked down as I bandaged his knuckles.

"There, all done." I whispered. His wrapped up knuckles made it look like he was about to box, giving him more of the dangerous aura.

"Thank you." The whisper made his voice deeper and huskier, making me shiver. I sat down next to him, neither of us saying anything. He looked down at his hands, blinking, then shaking his head and looking at the wall.

"Theo?" I said after a while.

"Mm?"

"I'm sorry."

"For what?"

I took a deep breath. "For letting you go. For making you believe I didn't want you. For letting you think I was lying and faking it this whole time when that really wasn't true."

He didn't say anything, so I took that as a sign to continue.

"All my life, I've had people leave me. No one ever sticks around. No one but Bridget. She was the only one who had been there for me when I was at my lowest. People who I never expected to leave me went away. I don't know how to trust people, Theo. I've always been cautious of who I let inside, because I'm just giving them an opportunity to hurt me."

"I would never hurt you." He whispered.

"That's what everyone says, but they still do. I always thought you would leave too. I was waiting for you to realize I was fucked up and leave, like everyone. But you didn't."

"I didn't want to." He said. "I didn't give a fuck that you were fucked up, Mia. I had never wanted a perfect relationship out of you where we're both in this wonderland and happy. I wanted you to have your ups and downs because I wanted to be there for you each step. I wanted to know why you were always so fucking scared. I wanted to break your walls and show you that you didn't need to have them with me." His voice broke off at the end, and that clenched my heart.

I took a few deep breaths, feeling my heart pound in my chest at the thought of doing this. No one except Bridget knew, and now I was telling Theo. I was doing this, I would not back out now.

"My parents had a love marriage. I remember we used to go to our farm house each Sunday and they would always be smiling and then at night I used to clutch both of them close to me and sleep." I smiled as I recalled those moments. "They never fought, never ever. I mean yeah, there were ups and downs, but I wouldn't exactly call it fighting. And then, everything just suddenly...stopped. They smiled a lot less, we stopped going to the farmhouse. They wouldn't even sleep in the same room." I shook my head.

"They thought I wouldn't hear, but I heard them shouting at each other every night. My father," My breath hitched. Theo shifted closer to me, warmth radiating from his body, his shoulder touching mine. "My father started treating my mother like a bag of shit. He called her such...such disgusting things that I-" My throat closed up, I felt emotion clogging down. "I can't even say them."

"Angel, shh, it's fine. I'm here, okay? And I'm not going anywhere." He whispered to me.

"He became overprotective of me, so fucking overprotective. He wouldn't let me go out, he wouldn't let me meet my friends. He'd drop me to school and pick me up, I was practically a prisoner in my house. My parents didn't talk, and when they did they cursed and screamed at each other. My life had become so shitty, and whenever I asked them why they behaved this way, they shut me up." I gave a meaningless chuckle, shaking my head.

"My father had a problem with my guy friends. He never let me talk to boys. Sometimes I even wondered if he had some kind of a bodyguard assigned to me because he always knew if I talked to a guy."

"Why did he have a problem?" Theo asked.

"I didn't know at that time. I believed that he always thought every guy I talked to would have an ulterior motive, that they would want to sleep with me and nothing else, as if no one could actually like me, as I couldn't have friends who were guys. And you know what sucks," I looked at him. "Deep down I knew he was looking out for me, but his ways were so damn fucked up that I-" I blinked back the tears. His hand came up to rest on mine, completely engulfing my small one. "I started hating him, Theo. I hated my own father."

"Angel." He lifted his other hand up and brushed away my tears. I hadn't even realized they'd fallen down. "Please, don't cry."

"I just- how could I hate my own father? Even if he was strict and messed up, how could I hate him? He gave me everything I asked for, he loved me, even though he didn't say it I knew he loved me. But I hated him, how could I do that!"

"No, listen to me. He was your father and he should have talked to you about his worries instead of controlling your life. Angel, you can't blame yourself for something he did."

"I didn't even know why he started behaving that way. I wouldn't be able to sleep because of their shouts, I couldn't study because of the stress and the pain. And then-" I swallowed hard. "And then Noah came."

I felt his body tense. "Who's Noah?"

You have to tell him, A. He deserves to know.

So I took a final deep breath, knowing what I was about to say would change everything, and maybe would drive him away. "My first love."

His grip on my hand loosened, his breath came out as a long exhale as he closed his eyes. "Your first love?" He croaked out.

I wanted to reach out and hold his hand again, but I stopped myself. "He was my first everything, actually. He'd just moved to town when we became friends. Everything was just so...easy with him. He always listened to me when I told him about my parents. Then when some days I couldn't take their shouts I used to go to his house and sleep there. He never once asked me questions and never said anything, maybe that's what I desperately needed at that time which is why I started falling for him."

"He was always there for me, always. I couldn't," I chuckled. "I couldn't imagine my life without him."

"What happened?" He asked, even though I could hear the pain in his voice.

"Dad found out about us. He filed-" My breath hitched. "He filed a restraining order against Noah."

"What the fuck?"

I gave a gentle shake of my head. "After that Noah left town because he couldn't handle the embarrassment. The hatred towards my father just increased a million times after that. I started believing he never wanted me to be happy. I started believing that he was making me pay for whatever happened between him and mom."

"Then-then one day," Theo gently rubbed my cheek, his green orbs filled with remorse. "One day we got into a fight. I told him I hated him and that I was ashamed to be his daughter. I screamed at him that he never treated mom and I right and stormed out of the house."

"Shh."

"He- he was out there looking for me, Theo. He drove all night looking for me. And the next day I heard that-" I buried my face in my hands as the tears feel down like rain. "He had an accident."

Theo grabbed my waist and lifted me up, placing me on his lap as I straddled him. He let me bury my face in his neck as he rubbed my back. "Angel, shh." We stayed like that for a long time. He rocked us back and forth, playing with my hair and comforting me.

"That was the day I realized I never had hated him." I continued when I felt my tears dry away. "I cried so hard that day, the tears never once stopped. But I noticed that Mom didn't cry."

His body jerked.

"I asked her why she didn't feel sad. I asked her why she wasn't bawling her eyes out like me. I asked her why she didn't feel any pain when her husband died."

"Angel, no, don't say anything. It's fine, you don't need to say-"

"She cheated on him. Everyday, for years, she'd been cheating on him. She made him that way, Theo. She made him all protective and cautious of boys. He was fucking looking after me and she let me believe she was the victim when she wasn't."

"My last words to him were how much I hated him." My body shook with the sobs erupting from my mouth. "I could never apologize to him. I couldn't tell him how sorry I was for punishing him for something my mother did. I couldn't apologize for always taking my mother's side, for thinking that she was the one who was hurt, when all along, he'd been the broken one."

"Angel, I'm so sorry you had to go through that."

"I hate myself for making him think I hated him. I hate my mother for making me believe lies. I've beaten myself up everyday for letting him go away forever, thinking that he was a bad father."

He cradled me close to him, pushing my head in his chest, rubbing patterns on the bare skin of my back. I coiled my hands around his neck, tightening my legs around his waist, clutching his shirt tightly, afraid he might disappear if I let go.

"I'm so messed up."

"No, you're not. Look at me." He cupped my face. "You are not messed up. You're not."

I looked at him through watery eyes, cupping his jaw. "I'm so sorry I hurt you. I was scared, I was selfish, I'm sorry, Theo."

"You're here now, I'm fine." He whispered.

"I don't deserve you."

He closed his eyes as if in pain. "Stop saying-"

"No, listen to me. You're perfect, absolutely perfect. I don't deserve you. But at the same time you're the only one who's managed to break my walls in such a small amount of time. I can't stop thinking about you. Ever since I saw you, you've been there in my mind constantly. I can't get you out of my head, Theo. I don't know what's happening to me."

I saw a small smile appear on his face as he remembered these were the same words he'd said to me when he'd first confessed. I blinked back tears, smiling at him, trying to convey everything, every emotion, trying to tell him how sorry I was and how much I regretted losing him.

"Catch me." I moved closer to his face, such that I could feel his breath on my lips. "I want you to catch me."

*

*sniffs*

So much explaining to do in a single chapter. I know it isn't perfect, I tried to convey their emotions in every line, but it took a huge amount of time to get it somewhat right. I know y'all might still have a lot of questions, and I know there are a lot of things which are still not explained, but come on guys...gimme a break this chapter literally got on my nerves.