I'm so bored. What am I going to do when Sasha finally does go home? I'm so used to her being here all the time it's like I don't even know what to do anymore when she's not around.

I really hope her thing tonight went really well with Nik. I was surprised he was leaving me alone at practices considering I knew how unhappy he was about mine and Sasha's relationship. Was relationship even the right word? I know she's trying to work out her family stuff right now and she wants to give me time to process the loss of Sabrina and Jake. But I just want her to be with me, I want her around all the time.

Does she want that to or is she just content in this odd middle ground? I didn't want to push this if she was dealing with too many things. I also didn't want to pressure her into feeling like she needed to make up her mind. I'll always be here for Sasha, no matter what.

I just wanted the chance to take her out on a date, to kiss her and not feel so guilty, to tell somebody that she was my girlfriend. I wasn't sure what was wrong with me but I just couldn't function properly anymore. All of my thoughts were consumed by Sasha, everything I did I worried about her and if she was alright. But it didn't feel like a chore anymore, the way it did with Sabrina. It felt like something I wanted to do now instead, I felt happy to be with her.

The other thing I was mildly concerned about was the fact that I didn't know where we stood intimacy wise. I knew it was a sure bet she hadn't been with anyone before me, so most likely the thought of all of that made her particularly uncomfortable. I just do what I know she's comfortable with, I try not to grab her or try to take her clothes off. I loved what we had this far, but I wanted so much more than that with Sasha.

I was just scared I'd ruin things between us, the flow would be destroyed if we had to have a serious conversation about where we stood. But at the same time, I wanted to know what she wanted, how she felt about all of this stuff.

Just then I hear the door open downstairs, followed by the lock twisting shut, shoes coming off and footsteps upstairs.

"Hey Nathan." She says quietly walking into my room and shutting the door.

"Hey Sash." I say quietly and she smiles walking over to the bed. "How was your thing? How was Nik."

"Good, it all went really well. He seems to be relaxing about you and me." She says and then climbs on top of me. "So that's good." She whispers leaning down closer. "I missed you." She says quietly giving me a quick kiss. She then goes in for a longer one and I'm almost surprised. It wasn't really like Sasha to be this way, the only time I'd seen her like this was last week, when she pulled her top off and let me see her.

I won't ever forget it. She was absolutely stunning, Sasha's beautiful. She has an athletic physique but she's still got these fantastic curves, abs and of course, that heart-shaped birthmark.

I sit up with her keeping my hands on her back when I feel her grab hold of my shirt and pull it off my body. Then I feel her small hands moving over my back, nails lightly grazing my skin. She then moves to her own sweater pulling it over her head leaving her in just a bra.

"Sash-" I start but she cuts me off by pulling me back and getting even closer to me. Then I feel her grab my belt loops and I clear my throat.

I had yet to see this side of Sasha, the pushy side. She never instigated anything drastic, I almost had to wonder why she was doing this?

"Sash." I say again and she runs her hands through my hair and kisses the side of my neck. "Sasha." I repeat more firmly, holding her face in my hands. "What's going on?"

"Why?" She asks in a playful tone and then stops, her face falls and she looks down. "I knew I was going to embarrass myself." She mumbles trying to move off me, but I grab her waist holding her tight.

"No, that's not it." I tell her shaking my head. "It's just....." I fade off trying to find the best way to say what I mean. She looks upset looking around for her clothes, wanting to run away. "Sash you're just not very pushy about any of that stuff. I thought most of it made you uncomfortable."

"It does." She says quietly. "T-that's why I wasn't really.....too confident about all of that."

"Hold on." I whisper in what I hope is a calming voice. "Just talk to me alright? Be honest with me about how you feel when it comes to intimacy." She takes a deep breath and sighs it out, running her fingers through her hair.

"I-I don't know how I feel really." She admits quietly. "It does make me a little uncomfortable, I'll be honest. I obviously haven't done anything with anyone." I watch as her cheeks heat up and she presses her lips together. "I don't know what I want."

"You know that this isn't the only way to show someone you care about them right?" I remind her. "You don't have to push yourself on my account."

"Well it's not all because of you." She says. "I always think I want more than I do. Like how I think I want a full meal but then halfway through I just start to get worried. Worried I made it seem like I was ready to take on more than I was." She sighs and looks away before looking at me again.

"But on the other hand I think you're....amazing. I want to trust that everything is going to be totally fine. That I'll love being so open with you, but there's just so many things I think about all the time. I worry.....what you think of me." She admits with a tear running over her cheek. "And I know you've told me how you feel about me, but I still feel this way in my mind."

"Oh Sasha." I say quietly, running my thumb over my cheek. "You have to know how beautiful I think you are. I promise, nothing you do would ever make me second guess how I feel about you." She nods her head at that but doesn't look up and I sigh.

"I know this is brand new for you." I remind her. "I also know you like to be perfect at everything, but this is just one of those things you take at your own pace. You need to know it's not something I have tons of experience with either." She looks up to me, eyes wide and she rests her hand on my shoulder.

"Tell me." She says quietly and I shake my head not quite understanding what she's talking about. "Tell me about everyone else."

"What?" I ask shaking my head. "No, you know it's not about any of them."

"I know, I just want to know." She says with a shrug. "You're not going to say anything that's going to change how I feel about you. I'd just rather know."

"Are you sure?" I ask and she nods. "Fine......first it was you." I tell her and she laughs a bit. "I've kissed seven people after you. First was at a party when I was thirteen, a girl named Abby. I didn't know her super well but I got sent to play seven minutes in heaven and we kissed. Then when I was fourteen, four happened in one night. Maureen, Jenn, Courtney and Lisa, spin the bottle.

"The next was just after that, a girl named Sara." I gulp before sharing the rest of the story but she just waits for me to continue. "We didn't just kiss.....it was at a party and I was half in the bag. She brought me to one of the spare rooms, we made out for a while. Then....." I fade out.

"Just tell me." She says and I groan, feeling particularly upset about reliving that memory.

"She was well known in our grade at the time as 'easy'. I didn't really like thinking about her that way and I wouldn't have gone anywhere with her if I was sober. She pretty much pulled her top off, let me grab her boobs and then.....I'm not sure if it was a hand-job or a blow-job.....or both." She averts her eyes and clears her throat.

"Right well......after it was over I just felt really weird about it. I didn't have any sort of feelings for her and I regret ever doing that to begin with. Then I met Sabrina, for a while I don't know if I really did feel something, or if I was convincing myself I did. She was always poking at me, wanting more all the time.

"We did.......a lot. We were together for almost a year, naturally we messed around. She's the only person I've ever slept with, but at around the nine month mark we stopped being physical. I just didn't like it anymore, it felt wrong all the time." I finish hoping I hadn't ruined anything too badly. I know it seemed pathetic compared to most of the guys I knew but to her it probably seemed insane.

"That's it?" She asks and I nod.

"That's it." I tell her and she nods.

"Don't be mad......I just thought it would be more than that." She says furrowing her eyebrows and I laugh a bit. "I mean, you were with Sabrina for a long time so it would have been stupid for me to assume nothing happened between you two."

"Does it bother you?" I ask feeling genuinely interested and she shrugs.

"Not.....horribly." She says, shrugging her shoulders. "I guess it would be nice if......we were on the same playing field? But it's probably good that one of us knows something."

"You're still the first girl I ever kissed." I remind her. "The only one I'd ever want to kiss again." She laughs a bit at that and shakes her head.

"It just makes me feel like I'm not...out in the world. Makes me sad I don't know anything about any of that stuff. Part of my plan was just to get so lost in it I couldn't stop to worry."

"Sasha, I want you to know that there's no hurry. If you're not ready.....don't force yourself to be." She nods a bit, running her hands over my arms.

"Was all of that really horrible?" She asks quietly.

"The kissing?" I ask and she nods. "God no, of course not. I just....wasn't sure where your head was at. Thought I'd stop you, see what was on your mind. Sasha, I love when you feel confident in yourself, it's nice to see. I'll do whatever you want, at whatever speed you're comfortable with....but if you really don't like something I'm doing you need to tell me." She nods at that.

"I will." She promises. "I-um......I'll tell you when I'm ready."

"For....."

"Sex." She whispers the word like she'll get in trouble for saying it and I smile.

"Oh." I say feeling my heart beat faster. She was talking about getting really physical. Granted, I'd thought about that with Sasha a decent amount too. It was one of those things my mind couldn't shake about her, knowing she was so perfect. That nobody had even kissed her other than me.

"No rush alright?" I remind her. "I want that to be special." She gives me an embarrassed smile and puts her hands over her eyes. "C-can I ask you something else?"

"Why not?" She teases, referring to the deep conversation we'd already been having.

"How are you feeling about.....everything else between us?" I ask.

"I really like you." She says quietly. "It's actually getting worse." I laugh, knowing that was exactly the way I felt.

"Do you.....you know maybe-but only if you want......to possibly-"

"Are you asking me out?" She asks with a small laugh.

"Yeah." I admit sheepishly. "Sash, I want to take you out on a real date. But only if you're ready."

"I....." She starts and fades off. "I'd really like that, but-"

"But what?" I ask leaning in and she laughs a bit.

"But we're both living in the same house right now." She points out. "It's not that I don't want to, because believe me, I really, really do. More than anything, but I'm just worried it's not a great idea right now, especially with your mom down the hallway."

I sigh feeling mildly disappointed with that answer, I know she's right but at the end of the day it still feels a bit like rejection.

"Hey." She says and grabs my face. "I didn't say no, but Nathan when we really do get together I don't want to have to hide you or how I feel about you from other people anymore. We did that for over a month and all it did was make you and I really upset. I just want to be proud of you, and the way things are right now.....well it's just complicated."

Her words easily take the sting out of rejection. I know what she means, neither of us want to sneak around or lie anymore.

"You're right." I tell her quietly. "I just.....can't wait."

"Neither can I." She admits running her hands through my hair sending chills down my spine. I always loved when she did that. She then leans in close and wraps her arms around me, pressing us against each other. She kisses my shoulder and feeling her lips on my bare skin makes me feel like I'm on fire.

"I'm cold." She says quietly and I smile squeezing her tighter. I pull her down into bed with me and cover both of us with a blanket.

Laying there with her I feel strangely protective, like I want her as close as possible. I want her to be mine one day, just as much as I want to be hers. I don't know if I've ever felt anything as strong or absolutely suffocating as I do for Sasha. I couldn't figure out what on earth was wrong with me.