"I thought you were going to kill them!" I laugh as we walk out the main doors of the school. "They weren't doing anything, they were just talking." 

"Sasha, they weren't just being friendly." He whines and I laugh. "They think you're hot."

"So what's the difference between them and you, hmm?" I tease and he rolls his eyes. 

"The difference is I've known you my whole life." He huffs and I laugh finding it so endearing that he got all protective about it.

"Exactly, why do you think I shut them down?" I remind him. "You're the only guy I want to spend any one-on-one time with. But what's the harm in branching out a bit and meeting new people, especially if you're there. You know these people don't you?" I ask and he sighs with a small nod. "And are they sleazy, bad people?"

"Well, no." He admits and I smile.

"Nathan, we sleep in the same bed at night." I tell him quietly and he nods. "Some would say we spend too much one-on-one time together." He laughs a bit at that and throws his arm over my shoulders leading me to his car. 

"I know." He mumbles quietly. "I'm just glad you feel the same way about me that I do about you. I just don't want to lose you, or watch other guys move in." 

My heart almost can't take what he's saying. We climb into the car and I sigh reaching across to put my hand on his leg. Poor Nate, deep down he wasn't any tougher than Jell-o. Soft and sensitive, just like he always was.

"Nathan, if I'm not ready to be with you than what on earth makes you think I'd be ready for someone else." I ask quietly. "You know how I feel about you, I just want to know what it's like to have a normal night out. Why do you think I kept pushing that we all go together?" He smiles a bit and nods grabbing my hand.

"But you need to be forgiving about all of this. I don't know the rules of friendship or what is socially acceptable in everyone else's eyes. All I know is what I think, and I want you to know that anything that you might interpret as something else.....don't." I tell him and he laughs. "There's no chance in the world that I'd pick somebody else over you."

"Okay." He sighs. "I'm sorry."

"You don't have to be sorry." I whisper quietly. "There's nothing to be sorry for."

Soon enough we're driving back to his house but when we pull into the driveway, he stops and turns to me.

"So I had an idea." He says quietly. "You don't have to say yes or anything but.....if your brother asks me about you tonight, how would you feel about having him come over for a while?" 

I feel a bit shocked by that, wondering how he could even be thinking of that when there was so much going on with him.

"I don't know....." I say not knowing if I was really ready to put myself back into the middle of everything I hated thinking about.

"I just think he'd like to see you, and it would give you an idea of what's going on. I know how much you love your brothers and I know Nik's.....really angry about me and you, so I just figured you might like to see him for a while.

I did really miss Alex, I missed Nik too truth be told but I wanted to meet with him in the outside world so he couldn't pummel Nate before I got a chance to explain myself. 

"Okay." I say quietly with a nod. "I do miss him, and I intentionally tried to stay away from him at school today."

"Alright, but only if he asks me alright? I won't force him to come over." I nod with a small smile happy Nate had come up with something fair to help me start to make my way back into my family.

"Thanks, Nathan." I whisper and lean over to give him a hug before the two of us get out of the car and head for the house.

He asks if I'm hungry and I tell him, just like always, that I'm not. He sighs and gets a snack before bringing me upstairs to his room. He sits and I tackle him into a hug that he gladly accepts, he turns on his laptop and fires it up and we pick a show to watch. 

"You know I have practice tonight right?" He whispers running his hands over my back and I nod.

"You already told me that, remember?" I tease and he laughs shaking his head.

"Right, well.....are you going to be alright here alone tonight?" He asks and I nod.

"Yeah it's just a few hours, I wasn't lying I have a bunch of homework to do." I tell him and he smiles. "But I'll miss you." I whisper leaning up closer to kiss his cheek.

"I'll miss you more." He whispers back and captures my mouth with his. I feel chills move through my body and I smile into it. This truly didn't scare me, it was only when he'd run his hands over my body or try and grab at my clothes that I'd start to get worried. 

I just got mad at myself for that though, why couldn't I just relax? He'd seen me in a leotard and a pair of tights before, how was it any different? Would he change his mind about me if he really saw me? I was so scared of how I looked and how other people saw me that I'd fallen into my own insecurities.

I knew it had to do with the fact I just couldn't be perfect growing up. That I was never good enough and something always needed improving, the fact that I was so self conscious of what I ate that I no longer cared about my food. 

I wanted to take my body back, like myself for who I was on the outside. I wanted to start over and that had to do with really enjoying the body I was in. I nervously roll over Nate and pull back, he almost looks shocked that I'd been that assertive. It wasn't like me really. I slowly move my hands down to the hem of the large cable knit sweater I've got on, but he reaches out and grabs my hands.

"Sash, you don't have to." He whispers and I take a deep breath, determined not to let him stop my confident streak.

"Nathan, I want to. Now stop it before I change my mind." I scold and he laughs resting his hands on my hips.

I slowly yank the fabric away revealing the tank top I had on underneath. I nodded to myself feeling determined and pulled that off too. I pulled my hair out of its bun and let it fall around my shoulders. He looks frozen and I start to feel embarrassed wondering about how I look to him. Maybe I wasn't as good looking as he thought I was.

He smiles suddenly and sits up yanking off his own sweater before carefully putting his hands on my waist then starting to move them up the sides of my body. "You're so beautiful." He whispers suddenly as his hand hold on to my shoulders from behind my body, keeping us close. He kisses me once and then moves to my shoulder, then my collarbone, then my neck leaving a trail of light kisses. Once he reaches the spot under my ear I squirm and press my lips together.

"Nathan." I groan quietly without meaning to and he smiles. 

"You're gorgeous Sasha." He whispers resting his forehead on mine. "Birthmarks and all." He whispers letting his thumb run over the heart shaped spot on my stomach.

Soon enough our time in bed is cut short by his mom calling out to us. So we got up and got dressed, heading downstairs. 

Then came the time I was dreading, watching Nate leave for practice. We hadn't been apart for a few days but I knew the space was most likely a good idea. So I did my homework, until he came home, just killing time. Surprisingly it was a good distraction.

Then I heard the door open downstairs and I got out of bed, rushing downstairs. Even if Alex hadn't asked about me and he wasn't here, at least Nate was back. I get to the bottom and see Alex's big frame just behind Nate's in the entryway. We don't say much of anything, we just walk straight to each other and he wraps his arms around me. It takes absolutely everything I have not to cry, this reunion was overwhelming. 

Nate and his mom offer to leave to let us chat but, I instead took Alex up to the guest room I was staying in where he hugs me again and I sigh.

"Hey." He whispers and I smile wiping away a falling tear.

"Hi." I whisper back and he laughs. 

"How have you been?" He asks and I shrug. 

"Okay I guess." I tell him, still feeling rather upset. "Nate's being really good to me, his mom too." He nods a bit and moves to sit on the bed where I join him.

"I'm really sorry." He says quietly. "I should have stuck up for you on Saturday, everything you were saying was true and you were making an alarming amount of sense."

"It's okay." I tell him. "You can't fight all my battles for me."

"What's been going on lately?" He asks furrowing his eyebrows. "You've been different, it's like you're not afraid to call anyone out anymore or go against the grain when you don't like what's going on."

"Do you want the honest answer?" I ask and he nods. "I think it's honestly been Nate." I admit, now realizing it for myself. "He made me realize how unhappy I was, how much figure skating had taken over and ruined my life. He reminded me there was more to life than being a winner."

"You're really happy with him, aren't you?" He asks and I nod shamelessly.

"He's really important to me." I tell him feeling my cheeks heat up. "Do you....do you know how Nik feels about this? Do you know if he's still mad?"

"I think he's just more upset with himself honestly." He says quietly. "He's upset that you're gone and he can't talk it all out, and I think he thinks it's part of the reason you left."

"It's not." I remind him. "It was to do with mom and dad." He nods seeming to absorb what I've said before he answers. 

"Do you....want me to tell you what's going on at home?" He asks and I sigh but nod reluctantly.

"Alright, first of all, I'm lonely without you. I look across the hall now at your dark room and it just makes me think I didn't do enough. It makes me miss you all the time." He says and I feel my heart break. I didn't even think about how Alex might react to all of it.

"Nik mopes around the house, because of the aforementioned belief that he made you run. I keep finding mom in tears at random times. Usually looking at family pictures and stuff like that, I think it really bothers her to have her family all divided and messed up." He says quietly and I think about how unreal that is. I haven't seen as much as a genuine smile out of mom in years.

"And then there's dad, of course after you left he was pissed yelling to everyone that you wouldn't last one night and you'd be back. That he was going to make you beg and he'd only let you come home if you promised to return to skating, no questions asked. Then after about three hours you weren't home and I think then he started to get worried." I scoff at that and roll my eyes.

"Dad isn't worried, he's just pissed he doesn't have a skater." I say bitterly and he shakes his head.

"No this is....different. He won't speak to anyone in the house, I'll find him all the time watching home movies of when you first started skating. He's been drinking and muttering things in Russian like 'what have I done?' and 'fuck'."

"He hit me." I tell him and he nods.

"I know, I've never seen him hit anyone before." He says quietly. "I think he might regret it though, it's hard to tell. If there's one thing that's bad about our family, it's the fact that we don't like being vulnerable and open." I laugh a bit knowing that was all too true.

"He asked me and Nik if we'd heard from you this morning." He says quietly. "I didn't say anything but he asked us that if we had, would we tell you to come home."

"I'm not coming home yet." I tell him and he nods. 

"No I know that. I personally think you need to make him sweat a bit, he deserves it for everything." He says and I nod. "But he looked really sad so I caved, but all I told him was I knew you were safe, nothing more."

"Well that might make him stop from calling the cops, and trying to force me to come home." I say and he nods.

"I also brought you this." He says passing me my phone, charger and headphones and I smile.

"Thank you." I say with a smile giving him a hug.

"I was also supposed to ask you something. You know that girl Nik went out with like a month and a half ago?" He asks and I nod. "He's dating her now and apparently she really wants to meet our family." I cringe and shake my head.

"Maybe not a great idea." He laughs and nods too.

"No I know, so he's bringing her to coffee on Friday night and he asked me to come meet her so she could get to know someone from his family." He explains. "If you're feeling up to it you could come. I think it would mean a lot to him."

"I don't know." I tell him. "I'll see how I'm feeling on Friday."

"Well if you're up for it, shoot me a text." He says and I nod giving him a hug.

"Thanks for coming." I tell him and he nods.

"I'm really glad to see you Sash. You're doing a lot better than I would be, but then again you're tougher than I am." He says giving me a squeeze and I laugh.

"Oh and before I forget, guess who's social life is taking off?" I pretend to gloat and he laughs.

"Really?" He asks and I nod.

"Today I was at lunch with Nate and these two guys sat down with us. Introduced themselves and we're all going to go somewhere on Wednesday?"

"You're going to hang out with three guys alone?" He asks and I roll my eyes.

"One of them's Nate." I tell him and he nods. "I also told them you were my brother and they almost passed out, so I think we're good." He laughs a bit and shakes his head.

"Good, then I've served my purpose." He says and I nod.

"We'll be going somewhere public, so don't worry." I tease and he sighs.

"Do I know them?" He asks and I nod.

"Yeah, they're on the hockey team. Malcolm and Adrian?" I ask and he chuckles to himself.

"You'll be fine." He says instantly. "Those two can barely talk to girls, I always tell them just smile and wave. Girls in sophomore year love the guys on the hockey team."

"Oh so is that why I barely saw you when I was in eighth grade?" I tease and he laughs.

"Maybe....." He says and I laugh harder. "Speaking of going out.....are you and Nate-"

"No." I tell him shaking my head. "Well not yet anyway. He-um...he told me he liked me.....and I might have told him the same thing." I say feeling anxious that he might be incredibly upset but he just nods. "But he just broke up with Sabrina, and we're both living here right now. Plus I told him I wanted to work out my stuff at home a bit first."

"You know as annoying that it is that Nathan Carter is the one person you really seem to like.....he's good for you. He cares more than I thought he did, hell he broke up with his girlfriend and let you live with him." I smile feeling happy to have received validation from Alex. "Just promise me that you'll take it at your own pace, don't rush."

"I can't take it any slower than I have been Alex." I tell him shaking my head, my eyes landing on my scrapbook. "This relationship is ten years in the making."