• • •

Jaxon D. Carter

I watched Kyser walk out of the bathroom after listening to her tell me that I didn't love her.

The irony in that statement, as I loved her more than life itself.

But I couldn't knowingly let Rachel kill her self. Not after all of the times she tried to be who she thought I wanted her to be.

Not after the years she spent crying because I couldn't be who she needed me to.

I thought she was lying at first, trying to manipulate me into staying with her after I told her that I didn't want to lie to Kyser anymore, that I wanted to only be with her.

Then I got a call from Cheyenne telling me she found her mere seconds away from death.

When I got to the hospital, she promised me, no swore, to me that the next time wouldn't be in vain.

Now I'm stuck in a marriage because I feel indebted to her, and I fucked up the only thing in my life that wasn't tainted.

It was my fault really, for agreeing to a threesome when I knew that I had some type of feelings for Kyser. Even if I was too stupid to realize it was love then, I should've told her no.

That was Rachel's only condition though, allow her to meet whomever it was I chose to have sex with. At first she just wanted to watch us, see how we interacted I'm assuming, then she gradually started participating, likely thinking that's what I wanted.

After seeing Kyser and I together, she asked that I stop seeing her and find someone else.

But I couldn't even if I wanted to.

Taking a deep breath, I walked back over to where Rachel, along with Heidi and the rest of my family, were talking in low voices.

"Well she deserved to know." Heidi told my mom, "You're a woman, you should've told her time she stepped foot into that restaurant."

Heidi and I went to undergrad together, forming a connection though our shared interest of BDSM. We were never in a relationship, but had sex occasionally.

Despite what I'd told Kyser, I considered her an actual friend. In this moment though, I hated her.

"I don't understand why you can't mind your fucking business." I interrupted angrily, "I told you I was going to tell her on my own terms."

"You're a lying piece of shit Jaxon." She replied in the same tone, "You weren't ever going to tell her. You picked her because she was young and you wanted to manipulate her. An older woman would've questioned everything and you knew that."

"I 'picked' her, as you so stupidly put it, because I wanted to fuck her. I didn't plan on falling in love with her. I left all of the manipulating to Rachel over there."

She was in the process of lifting her glass to someone across the room and I followed her line of sight just in time to see Kyser lift hers back.

Brad also saw her, "As if you have any right to be smug."

Along with my mother, he was the only one who liked Kyser. It also didn't help that he knew what Rachel had threatened to do.

"Let's calm down." My father spoke calmly, "It needed to happen, now Jaxon can focus on rebuilding his marriage."

"What marriage?" Heidi demanded, "He's just going to find somebody else and the cycle will repeat. You should have more respect for yourself Rachel."

"And you should focus on pretending to love your husband when you're as gay as the day is long."

My mom shook her head, "I'm so disappointed in you, Jaxon."

I didn't care. I'd long since stopped caring about their disappointment that always seemed to be right around the corner.

A hand clasped my shoulder, "Congratulations Jaxon. On your degree and anniversary. A lot of people don't make it to five years."

The smile appearing on my face was automatic, a result of all the fake smiles that I'd put on during my life, "Thank you."

The guy started a conversation, and I replied at the right times but my mind was elsewhere, my eyes drifting back to Kyser who was now making her way towards the door.

I needed to give her space, and once I found a way to leave Rachel, I'd have her again. I'd do all the things I told her I wanted to do with her.

Except I'd never get that chance.

That was the last time I'd ever see Kyser Moore.

• • •

I was on my...

I'd actually lost count of how many drinks I'd had, the liquid now going down my throat without any sort of burn.

A guy sat next to me, doing the same thing I was, though I'm not sure what prompted his need to drink.

"Bitches man." He slurred while looking at the bar, "I'll never fall in love again."

I didn't respond because I was still in love and fully planned on being with Kyser again.

"She fucking lied to me for months, made a fucking fool out of me in front of my friends, everyone who knew."

"Sucks." I responded uninterestedly, in the hopes that he'd shut up so I could be alone with my thoughts.

I only had about an hour left before I could make my exit without raising questions about why I was leaving so early.

"And a fucking black guy. She was fucking a black guy for money."

My eyes went to him then, "Would it have mattered if he was white?"

He shrugged, "I don't know man."

Being adopted by my family, I often received looks ranging from curiosity to disgust. Of course I came across the occasional racist though I didn't give a damn.

"Maybe you don't make enough money." I suggested.

"I own this fucking hotel we're in, as well as many others. I make plenty of money."

"Then maybe you couldn't fuck her properly."

He looked up at me, something shifting in his eyes, "You're Jaxon."

"Maybe she fucks other people for money because you say obvious shit."

He was growing visibly angry yet I continued, "Who cares anyway? It's just a couple dicks."

"A couple?" He asked, seemingly horrified.

"Maybe she fucks other people for money because you're an idiot."

The urge to pee came, so I stood up, "I'll be back with more theories in a second."

I actually had no intention of coming back and would probably be leaving after I left the restroom.

To hell with this party.

I stayed there longer than I intended, simply reflecting on the night and how terribly wrong my life was going.

Once I was done, I was about to go find Rachel so I could leave when the door opened and in came the guy from the bar.

"You have the nerve, the audacity, to fuck my fiancé and brag about it in my face."

"I don't even know who your fiancé is." I replied.

"Ava!" He shouted, "You fucked Ava!"

Kyser's friend who continued to see other men even after she was engaged.

Had I not been drunk, I would've put that together at the bar and would've made the decision to not antagonize him.

"Never knew she was engaged." I said carefully, watching him. He was irate, and provoking him at this point would be stupid.

"That's a lie!"

So being rational was out of the question.

"I'm not lying."

"She saw you for months. I know how it works, I know you talk when you're done and I know she told you about me. That's why you said that shit earlier."

He clearly didn't know shit since the only conversations Ava and I had concerned sex.

"And you're married." He continued as a vein twitched in his forehead, "To one of us."

That provided confirmation that he was in fact, racist.

"Not for long." I told him.

"You're right."

Had it been a fight, I would've won. I was easily twice his size and likely could've beat his ass in seconds, drunk or not.

But it wasn't a fight.

The first gunshot rang out throughout the restroom.

I feel kind of free.

My hand gripped the sink as I struggled to comprehend that I was just shot.

I put my hand on the stove, to see if I still bleed.

The second one tore through my stomach and I fell to the floor gasping for air.

As I lie there staring at the ceiling and feeling the life leave my body, the only thing I thought was that I'd once again lied to the only woman who I've ever loved completely.

Kyser I'm so sor-.

And nothing hurts anymore.

______

10 years later

Kyser J. Hartford

A tiny finger was stuck up my nose and I scrunched up my face, trying to remain asleep.

The giggle followed by another finger going into my nose showed that wouldn't be happening.

I kicked the person lying next to me, "Get your son."

"No." He replied sleepily rolling over, "I don't have any kids."

"Yes you do daddy. I'm a kid."

"Not mine."

"Josh when I finally start beating your ass, I'm not stopping."

He sighed and sat up, reaching for Noah, "You so worrisome."

"What's that?"

I snickered into my pillow, listening to him tell our four year old son what worrisome was.

Saturday mornings were my favorite.

Neither of us worked so we slept in until Noah decided it was time for us to wake up, coming in and climbing into bed with us.

Eventually he decided he was tired of being in the bed, getting down, "I want cereal."

"Wait for me. You know you can't pour milk without spilling it."

"I don't want milk."

Nasty just like his father.

Once he was out of the room, Josh moved closer to me, kissing my forehead, "Are you okay?"

I nodded and leaned into him, "I'm fine."

I'd like to say I had forgotten what today was, but that would be a lie.

I could never forget the 10 year anniversary of Jaxon being murdered.

I wished I could forget receiving a call from a distraught Melissa a mere 2 hours after I'd left, telling me to come to the hospital.

My bedroom was dark as I lie on my back staring at the ceiling and trying to forget what had transpired tonight.

Just the simple thought of him made me sick to my stomach.

Another person whose love came with conditions, who gave half-truths and false promises.

My phone rang, and I ignored it, thinking it was probably Jaxon.

When it rang for the fourth time, Nasir shifted beside me, looking at the screen, "It's not Jaxon."

Sighing, I reached over him to answer it, "Hello?"

Melissa's voice, distorted by sobs, came through the phone, "Kyser."

She refused to tell me what was wrong on the phone, so Nasir and I met her at the hospital.

Everyone was crowded in the waiting room, and I ignored Rachel asking why I was here as I stopped in front of Melissa waiting for her to tell me what happened.

She never did, hugging me while I made eye contact with Brad.

"He's dead." He whispered.

It may have been Melissa who fell to the floor first but I'm sure I was the one who initiated that fall. One would think she should've been comforting his wife instead of clinging to me as if I could somehow bring him back.

Rachel didn't allow me to attend his funeral, hiring security to literally prevent me from entering. That may have been just as well since it was a 'high profile' event and I was already being drug through the dirt by the media when the story broke about what caused Matt to kill him.

Melissa and Garrett arranged for a private ceremony though, one that consisted of just them, his siblings, and myself.

I would've rathered him be alive and be with someone else than to never see him again. Just knowing he was somewhere hopefully happy would've been better than this.

Rachel blamed Heidi, asserting that if she'd never invited me, Jaxon wouldn't have felt the need to drink and would've never been at the bar near Matt in the first place.

It also didn't help that Matt was Heidi's brother in law.

In return, Heidi blamed her, saying she should've allowed him to leave when he wanted to instead of trapping him in a loveless, on his behalf, marriage.

I found it funny that no one was willing to blame Jaxon for his actions, just for me to turn around and blame Ava.

She was the cause of this, her selfishness and stupidity preventing her from being truthful with whom she claimed to love.

When I left the hospital that night, I went to find her.

I knocked on the door, breathing unevenly I waited for her to answer.

Anger ran through my body as I thought back to the times I told her to tell her dick of a fiancé about her lifestyle.

Realizing she wasn't going to answer, I called her, hearing the phone pick up the first ring, "I'm sorry Kyser."

"Where are you?"

"I'm about to board a flight. I can't be there right now."

How had I never noticed how self-centered this girl was during our supposed friendship?

"Ava you deserve every bit of the hell your life is about to become."

She scoffed, "I knew you'd try to blame me but this is on you. If you would've done what I told you, none of this would've happened."

I'd had that exact thought but pushed it away. Chris was going to tell Matt no matter what.

"Why the fuck would you give out his name?"

"I didn't! You know I have a separate phone for clients, and he went through it. I have contact pictures."

So .

Right as I opened my mouth to respond, she hung up.

According to Nasir's detective work, Ava now lives in New York, doing what she does best, fucking people for money.

Matt killed himself after killing Jaxon, making it a murder suicide. I wish he'd stayed alive, thinking he got off too easily by taking his own life.

It was about a year or so after Jaxon's death that Josh and I began dating.

Our love was so easy, so simple. He was patient with me, genuinely being a friend to me, a shoulder to cry on, before we actually became a couple.

I would never get over Jaxon, the strongest love I've ever felt, I just learned how to love from a different place in my heart.

Some might say I settled, but if that's the case then I would've always settled.

There was a jab in my side and I smiled, "Your daughter is kicking me."

Josh scooted down in the bed, Placing his lips on my stomach, "Good job mamas."

• • •

"Why are you walking like it's something up your ass?" Nasir asked as I walked out of the restaurant, "I didn't take Josh for the anal type but okay I guess."

I paused to laugh, hoping I wouldn't pee on myself, "Will you shut up? You know I can't laugh hard."

We continued our walk to the car, "She's making me uncomfortable. Noah never sat like this."

"Babies sit on your booty hole? I knew there was a reason I couldn't have kids."

"Fuck you Nas." I laughed, "I just peed a little."

"Ew. Pissy ass."

Once we got settled, he reached for his phone, "You're going to visit your grandma?"

"I saw her yesterday."

My grandma was in a nursery home.

I didn't feel bad for my decision, in fact I was happy I did it.

Josh and I tried letting her live with us after Veronica disappeared again and refused to take care of her, but it didn't work out. She had turned into the cynical type and it just wasn't room for it in our lives.

The drive to my house was filled with comfortable silence as I leaned back looking out of the window.

"Tell Connor I said hey." I said as I reached to hug him before opening the door.

He'd finally found someone who wasn't ashamed to be with him, and they'd been engaged for almost a year now.

I walked inside, hearing the t.v blaring Shrek. Josh felt it was his job to make sure Noah watched all the 90's kids movies, so every Saturday a different one was watched.

Leaving my shoes by the door, I waddled to the living room to join them for the ending.

I stopped when I saw them both asleep, Noah's foot directly in Josh's face. My husband and my son, the two people who filled my heart with happiness.

So no, I'd never love anyone like I loved Jaxon, but Jaxon wasn't mine. We were in love on borrowed time, a love bound by desire that was sure to end eventually.

But this love was forever.

______

well... here's the epilogue.

i'd originally planned for this to be apart of the main story, only jaxon wouldn't have died (if i had done a sequel she would've ended up w/ him)

i honestly feel like this was the only way to end the story bc if jaxon was alive then ^^^

kyser got her happy ending and my sweet baby got his exit from that marriage without having to feel guilty if rachel killed herself. a win-win? i think so

also, the sexual consent form at the beginning of the story said that kyser was on the shot. so no, jaxon couldn't have gotten her pregnant.

if you have any questions, then pls feel free to ask.

thanks for reading 💕