• • •

Once I realized I had feelings for Jaxon, the next couple of weeks were awkward, for lack of a better word.

I went out of my way to not think about it, which just made me think about it more. Sometimes I would literally just stare at him, drinking in all of features, enthralled by the sight of him.

I'm obsessed and it's sad. He should've never given me his dick.

It was actually more than that though. I was captivated by his mind; Interested in him, the way he talked, his mannerisms, shit even the way he breathed.

So yeah, he should've kept his magical penis to himself.

It was Friday afternoon after class, and I was sitting in the library making myself study.

"Kyser." Josh, a guy from one of my classes, and neighborhood greeted as he sat down, "Wassup?"

"Go away."

I actually enjoyed talking to Josh. He was funny and we had kind of 'grown up together'.

He laughed, "What you doing tonight?"

"Not whatever it is you're about to ask me to do."

"You so mothafuckin' lame." He complained, "I'm tryna get you to live the college life and you don't be wanting to do shit but sit in the house."

I hated college parties. I'd only been to a handful of them, leaving early each time. I felt like you couldn't enjoy them unless you were really drunk, and I hated getting really drunk.

"Whose party is it?" I asked as if I would really go.

He shrugged, "Hell if I know. I just know the time and place baby."

Josh was also cute. Not Jaxon cute, but right behind it.

Maybe an 8, 9 on a good day.

"Definitely not your baby."

Before he could respond, my phone rang with the nurse from the hospital being the caller. We talked a lot since I was there everyday, to the point where I gave her my number and she would call just to see how I was doing.

"Hello?" I answered while gathering my things and waving bye to Josh.

"Kyser, where are you?"

"I'm on campus. Is something wrong?" I asked, scared that she had passed away.

She paused, "I was just wondering why you weren't here? Ms. Pam has been awake for a few hours now."

What?

"Are you serious? Why would no one call me?"

All of the nurses saw me come in there literally everyday and it was hospital protocol to call the family member on file when she woke up.

"Well your mother was already in the room so maybe they didn't feel the need. I was ju-"

"Wait a minute," I interrupted, "My who?"

The nurse backtracked, "Well she looked too old to be your sister so I assumed she was your mom."

Not caring if I was being rude or not, I hung up the phone as I ran to my car.

• • •

I mugged the nurses at their desk as I walked by, ignoring their greetings. I don't care who was in the room, they still could've called me.

Once I made it to my grandma's room, I took a deep breath before pushing the door open.

And there sat my supposed 'mother' laughing along with my grandma as if there was anything that could be found funny in this moment.

Their heads turned towards me, the smiles instantly dropping.

No one said a word as I stared at her, wondering why she would be coming to the hospital and not saying anything to me when I've seen her once or twice.

I felt as if her face were familiar, like I'd seen seen her somewhere outside of the hospital before.

"Kyser." My grandma said softly trying to get my attention.

I ignored her, focusing on bringing that memory to the forefront of my mind so that I could place her face.

Then it hit me.

When I was around 8, a woman would come over to have dinner with us every once in a while. My grandma always introduced her as her friend.

So the whole time, I was having dinner with my mother, and my grandma never said a fucking word.

All those instances I'd asked for details about my mom, where she was, what she looked like, and my grandma never thought to tell me that I'd met her before.

I turned and walked out of the room, not paying attention to their calls for me to come back.

The woman who raised me is turning out to be someone who I didn't know she was capable of being. She knew exactly where she was, yet chose to pretend like she had no fucking clue.

As I walked out of the hospital and drove back to my apartment, I became more angry. Why do the people in my life continue to fuck me over?

I don't think of myself as a bad person. Yeah I've made mistakes, but who hasn't?

At this point, the only people I trust not to hurt me in some way are Jaxon and Nasir. I'd call Nasir and tell him later, but I hoped Jaxon would be at my apartment when I got there.

Luckily for me, he was, listening intently as I told him about the new information I had.

When I expressed to him my earlier thoughts of if the way people treated me was because of something I've done, he immediately stopped me.

"Kyser you have one of the purest souls I've ever seen." He said while staring at me intently, "It could never be your fault that you happen to have shit people around you."

As he held my gaze, I felt something rise within me, the urge, a compelling need, to tell him how I felt.

I hadn't realized the words had left my mouth, but the fresh panic in his eyes told me that they must have.

His eyes left mine, looking at the floor, "I uh, I have somewhere to go." He lied as he stood up and patted his pockets for his keys.

I didn't try to stop him, realizing that I had likely put a halt to anything I hoped we would have.

As I watched him leave my apartment without so much as a bye, one thought replayed in my head:

I told Jaxon I loved him, and he left.

______

thanks for reading as well as commenting & voting 💕