Intimacy was a prospect to me that I couldn't find myself participating in. I stayed away from men and I didn't have any interest in being physical or emotional with anyone in my life. The thought used to, both, disgust me and cause me severe anxiety. I hated the thought of someone seeing my petite and thick body. I never cared about my body, I wasn't overly insecure about it but when I thought about someone else seeing it, I wanted to cover up like a nun. I practically was one.

That was before. Now, with Alex, the thought didn't repluse me. We had been intimate. After kissing and removing most of the anxiety and hesitation when it came to the physical side of a relationship, it didn't repulse me as much. Instead, I found myself wanting intimacy with Alex just as much as he wanted them and considering our relationship and my disorder, it didn't take that long for us to open that door.

However, just because that door was open and I was fully in the room, didn't mean it was open for discussion.

I was embarrassed and uncomfortable to talk to Alex about it so when Morgan brought up the topic five months after Alex and I became an item, I wanted nothing more than to dig myself a hole in the ground and lie in it.

I was, indeed embarrassed about my actions with Alex, but I wasn't ashamed. I loved our time together. I loved him and he loved me too. But that didn't mean I was going to talk about it.

"I'm really happy for you and Alex." Morgan commented as we sat on my sofa. We had adjusted our agreement to meeting two days a month. She nearly burst my eardrum when I told her. "He's a really good guy for you, he's helped you so much with your anxiety and confidence."

"Are you just saying that because he encouraged me to see you more than once a month?" I ask her, biting my lip to stop smiling.

Her smirk is the answer. "It is a factor but I've seen you together. You're happy, happier than I've ever seen you in your whole life and I'm happy for you." Her smile fades and a solemn look replaces it. "Yours and Alex's relationship. It is normal isn't it?"

"Is there such thing as a normal relationship?" I question, confused by her term.

Is a relationship between a recluse who loves her dog more than anything in the world and a workaholic who has a screaming match over the phone considered normal?

She exhales and she leans closer, an uncomfortable look on her face. "Is intimacy a problem for you guys?" I stay quiet, shocked by her question. She mistakes my silence for confusion. "You know... do you play a game of hide the sausage? Does he park his Lamborghini in your garage? Is it a Lamborghini or is it more if a Ford Ka?"

"Um... I am very uncomfortable right now." I scoot further away from her. I'm pretty sure he didn't have a Lamborghini. He said it was an audi. Why would a billionaire own a Ford Ka?

"Oaklee." She smiles calmly. "I've been your closest friend for years and I still am, as I hold that position in your life I'm allowed to ask. Are you and Alex having sex?" My eyes widen at her question and I immediately downturn my gaze, away from her. I curse myself internally when I feel all the heat from my body travelling upwards, flaming my cheeks. I hear her gasp and there's a slight bounce on the sofa. "Oh my god you are! You bad girl."

I quickly stand and head to the kitchen, needing a bottle of water to cool and calm myself. Sex wasn't a conversation people should talk about so openly. I wish I was confident enough to talk about it but I wasn't. I wasn't confident and the thought of talking about it caused a rush my panic.

"It's nothing to be ashamed of!" She called out, following me to the kitchen, standing a foot away from me. "It's perfectly natural."

"It might be perfectly natural but it's not perfectly natural for me to talk about." I splutter nervously, inhaling a sharp breath and squeezing the bottle of water in my hand.

The air was heavier, feeling more like water than gas and I felt iron weights around me wrists and ankles, drowning me in nothingness.

"Oh it's just sex Oak, I bet he's gifted in that department."

The air was thicker, heavier somehow, worse than before. I was choking. My throat closed. I couldn't breathe. I couldn't...

"Hey it's okay." Her soothing voice reached me. Her fingers wrapped around my wrists and suddenly I was forced down on to my knees. The action scared me and my breathing only accelerated but my racing heart calmed slightly when her hands guided my fingers in to the warm soft fur.

I exhaled, my throat relaxing and my muscles released themselves from their automatic lockdown, running my hands through Loki's fur and relaxing when his muzzle snuggled in to neck, helping to calm my heaving chest and my burning lungs.

It's just Loki and I for a while but from the corner of my eye I see Morgan sitting beside me silently.

"I'm sorry." She mumbles, leaning her head on my free shoulder. "I didn't think and I was so caught up that I didn't realise you wouldn't want to talk about it."

"It's okay." I whisper in to Loki's fur. "He's my first boyfriend and the first person I've ever been interested in. It's obvious you're going to be excited and intrigued."

It's silent for a minute, just our breathing filling the quiet air.

"I don't know how you do it. Be with him. He's a man and you know-"

"I know." I cut her off, not wanting her to say the words. "Sometimes I get scared when he touches my arm or he pulls me in to a hug without warning but then I remember that it's Alex." I pull my head out of Loki's fur and she lifts her head from my shoulder so we can look at each other. "That's why I can leave my apartment more. It's why I'm happier. It's Alex."

She smiles. "I'm so happy for you Oaklee. You deserve it more than anyone."

Warmth spreads through my body. Morgan was my oldest friend and I loved her with all my heart and it was these moments I treasured.

"You deserve it as well." I remind her. "If I can find someone then you can too."

She nods with a laugh. "That is very true. If a hermit can find a man then an extrovert like myself can."

"That's the spirit!" I laugh. "I never said thank you. For everything you've done for me. For understanding and for being there for me all these years."

She shakes her head slightly, leaning back down on my shoulder. "You don't need to thank me. Ever. That's what best friends are for."

Without Morgan, I don't think I would have survived. She helped me through the hardest years of my life, she encouraged my writing and publishing, she pushed me to get Loki and she forced me to retreat from my shell. Even in my darkest times when I felt so alone, she was there, holding my hand.

She was my closest friend, and I'm not just saying that because she's my only friend.

We both look up when the door to my apartment opens, revealing Alex in a crisp suit and his usual neat twisted hair and beard. He glances at the sofa, his eyebrows screwing up slightly, his eyes go to the hallway, then the kitchen and then finally, on to us on the floor.

"Why are you on the floor?" His lips upturn in to a confused smile.

"We're having girl time." Morgan answers for me.

"And that involves sitting on the floor?" He walks towards us, gently grabbing my bicep and hauling me up and in to his arms. "I missed you, love."

"I missed you too." I smile against him, a rush of home washing over me as his scent invades my senses. His musky and earthy cologne sends a tidal wave of warmth through my body.

"Alex you're my best friends boyfriend and I think it's my responsibility-"

"I'm not buying you a sports car." He mumbles against my hair.

I hear her huff. "Oaklee I think you need to reconsider your choice in men."

"Man. Singular not plural. She's mine."

"He's possessive as well. That can turn in to a toxic trait." She tuts.

I laugh from Alex's side, staring at her while she stands with her hands on her hips and a disappointing expression on her face. "Alex has worked hard for what he has. He didn't get it from giving sports cars away."

"Did he work hard or did his daddy present it to him on a silver platter?"

"Oh I'm sorry... how many figures does your bank balance consist of?"

"Mine is through hard work-"

I laugh as I watch them argue playfully back and forth. I had never been so happy. My closest friend and my boyfriend, two things I thought at one point in my life that I'd never have.

And I love them both with all my heart.