I didn't realise my anxiety wasn't controlling my life as much until very recently.

I had been alone, walking Zeus and Loki along the canal on our usual route. A woman had walked past with her dog and I didn't panic when I saw her, my mind didn't race with all the possibilities of what I should say or do and I didn't feel nauseated.

Instead, she walked past and smiled at me. I smiled back.

It didn't occur to me what I had done until I walked a further few metres, stopping in my tracks and stared wide-eyed in to nothingness.

I then went home and wrote some of my book with Loki and Zeus curled up on either side of me to calm myself down from the post anxiety that wracked my body.

It was a tiny action, miniscule, and someone else might not have even noticed they had done it but this was me. I had anxiety, I couldn't talk to someone without feeling like the whole world was concaving in on itself.

I had smiled... at a stranger... without even thinking about it.

After I spent hours writing and letting myself dive deep in to the world of my characters, I told Alex when he came to pick Zeus up. The smile on his face made me forget the anxiety that followed my smile and instead I felt proud of myself. Proud just like how Alex felt towards me.

"That's great!" His white teeth gleamed as he smiled. "I'm really proud of you Oaklee."

Crimson crept up my cheeks. "Thanks. I did freak out after and I spent three hours on the sofa with Loki and Zeus, writing with a fan blowing on my face." I point to the large fan on the coffee table that's now turned off.

"It's okay. I'm still proud of you." His smile dimmed a little and his breath sharpened.

I instantly became alert. "Are you having an attack? I can turn the fan on."

Just as I was about to turn to the fan, he grabbed my arm, his touch sending warmth through my body. "No I'm not having an attack but can we sit down? I want to talk."

"Sure." I smiled, leading him over to the sofa.

Instead of us both sitting down, he sat in front of me, on the coffee table and creaked slightly under his weight.

There wasn't enough room for him to spread his legs out so he looked awkward and uncomfortable, boxed in to a space that wasn't accommodating to his size, like putting a giraffe in to a horses carriage.

"Oaklee." He said my name so lowly I almost missed it. "My dog walker called me four months ago. She wanted to come back to work."

Four months ago? That was-

"That was Christmas time." I looked up at him in confusion. "You've had a dog walker since Christmas."

He nodded. "I told her I didn't want her as a dog walker but she needed the job so I hired her as a cleaner."

"If she's been there then why have you been bringing Zeus to mine every day?" I ask, shaking my head to try to understand.

He slid of the table, kneeling in front of me. Somehow he was still taller than me on his knees. "Every day I look forward to dropping Zeus off in the morning, talking to you for a few minutes and then picking him back up in the evening and talking to you for a few minutes again. I love talking to you at night where we discuss our day and when I make you laugh about stupid things. I especially love the days when I accompany you on the walks with our dogs. I like spending time with you. I keep bringing Zeus round, and I didn't say anything about the dog walker, because the highlight of my day is when I see you and hear your voice. I like you Oaklee. A lot more than I thought I could ever like anyone."

I sit stunned. Time was frozen as I stared at him in shock. I never thought anyone would like me, I never thought I would spend enough time with them for them to be able to develop feelings. But here he was, on his knees, laying his heart on his sleeve.

"It's okay if you don't like me back. I just wanted to tell you because I couldn't keep it in anymore." He added when I stayed silent, hurt crossing and settling on his face.

He started to stand up from his knees but I grabbed his arm, like he did with me earlier, and kept him as close to eye level as we could get.

I could feel the familiar knot tightening and my muscles shook in their respective places. Normally when I felt this, the world world was caving in, but this time it was me. I was concaving and suffocating at the same time but it didn't feel the same. It wasn't overwhelming or overpowering so I couldn't breathe. It was a different kind of panic, a nervousness that I had never felt before.

I was okay. I was with Alex.

"Uh-"

Why couldn't I talk? Force the words out Oaklee. Get. Them. Out. Anxiety does not control you.

"I don't know what liking someone feels like!" I burst out, breathing heavily from the moments of my words being trapped in my throat.

He nodded slowly, an understanding look on his face. He didn't look angry or impatient or frustrated. He understood. "I didn't realise what I felt either until very recently. It was really strange when I started feeling it. How do you feel when I'm around?"

I glanced down at Loki on my one side. He was asleep. I glanced to my other. Zeus was asleep as well. How could they sleep when the oxygen on the planet was being sucked out?

"Happy." I forced out. Inhaling, I allowed the oxygen to inflate my inflate, calming my whole body in the process. "I feel comfortable when you're here." Except not now. This is a very uncomfortable situation. I thought to myself afterwards.

He nodded again, a small smile on his face. "When I touch you." He picked up my hand gently, like it was made of the finest and most fragile glass, intertwining our fingers together. My hand was dwarfed compared to his but when our fingers locked together in a tight embrace, it felt like they were made for each other; they fit perfectly like a jigsaw puzzle made up of a variety of sizes but when they come together they create the most beautiful puzzle in the world. "How does it make you feel?"

I focused on our joined hands and absentmindedly, a smile attached itself to my lips. "Your touch makes me feel warm and not just because you have blood and your emitting body heat." I added to clarify and he let out a gruff chuckle, his dark eyes lighting up just a fraction. "I like holding your hand, it makes me feel better. It makes me feel less alone." He opened his mouth to say something but I cut him off. I knew how I felt now, I didn't know what it meant but I was aware of the feelings inside me. "When I'm with you I don't feel anxious or scared. My anxiety isn't as crippling and the air around me is easier to breathe. For once in my life I don't want to be alone. I like when I'm with you and I like when we talk on the phone and I like the days you take off work to spend with me and the dogs. What does all that mean?"

"It means we have something special. It means we're more than friends. If you'll have me." He speaks so softly that I almost miss it. His gruff voice isn't as rough, like he's putting smooth peanut butter over sand paper, trying to smooth it out and make it lighter. In a way it works, it makes me feel better about the situation.

"Like... boyfriend and girlfriend?" I ask hesitantly, leaning back in case I'm wrong and it explodes in my face.

"Exactly like that." He nods encouragingly.

As much as I felt suffocated and like I'm not in control of what's happening, I don't feel the oncoming storm of a panic attack. It isn't the calm before the storm. It's just calm. Because Alex is here.

"What would that entail?" I tilt my head slightly.

"Hugging, holding hands, kissing and being more intimate with each other." He continued before I could panic. "But we do all that when you're ready. Not yet." My anxiety calms a little. "It means we'd be there for each other in a way no one else has. It will be strange at first, for both of us, but when we look at each other, it will make it all worth it." He stands from his knees, sitting on the sofa, keeping our hands in their embrace. "Oaklee how I feel when I come here to pick Zeus up after a stressful day at work is what I want to feel for the rest of my life. Happiness, calmness, like all my problems are melting away."

My understanding of it all was starting to come together. "Like when I told you I smiled at someone? That's the feeling I should feel?"

"Yes!" His voice was lower now but the excitement has increased. His fingers squeezed mine tightly but I don't think he realised he did it. "Happiness? Excitement? Tranquillity?"

"But I don't just feel that when I tell you I smiled at someone." I started. "I feel like that whenever I'm with you or talk to you."

The grin that broke out on his face made my lips turn upwards. There was a tugging in my chest, my heart pushing towards him. "That's it. That's the feeling."

"So I like you? More than a friend could ever like anyone?"

He nodded quickly. "Say it." He bounced slightly in his seat, like a child who couldn't sit still after being told he was getting sweets.

"I like you." I inhaled the air around us, an unfamiliar feeling of happiness bursting through me. "I like you."

"And I like you." He whispered slowly. His eyes were swirling with so much emotion that I was stunned, I had never seen him like this before. "Oaklee... be my girlfriend. Be mine."

I nodded hesitantly and he released our hands embrace and pulled me in to him. Our arms wrapped around each other, mine loosely and his tightly.

I was trying to wrap my head around what was happening and the unfamiliar emotions that were coursing through my body. It was strange but I couldn't deny that I was happy. I was anxious and scared of the future, of what this would mean for Alex and I but the feeling wasn't overpowering. They were there, like a dull ache beside the thundering happiness.

I was terrified of what would happen in the future, of the shift that would occur between Alex and I but I could handle it. I had Alex with me, the man who calmed me and slowly started pulling me out of my shell of solitude.

I was going to be okay. I think.