A pool of anxiety bubbled inside my stomach, growing and growing as I watched the clock tick second by second.

Tick.

Tick.

Tick.

8:59.

One more minute and he should be here.

What if he forgot?

My hands gripped the cotton bag, twindling with the handles and twirling at a loose string. I could feel my pounding heart beating against in my chest like it wanted to burst out.

Thirty seconds.

Did I want to go? What if I had a panic attack? What if they didn't like me?

Oh my god they aren't going to like me. I'm a stranger, a complete stranger spending Christmas day with them. This is insane. I'm deranged. Why didn't I realise this before? Why didn't Morgan tell me how insane I am for agreeing to this?

I have to text him and tell him I can't co-

"Oh excrement." I muttered when a knock echoed through the apartment. "Loki don't repeat that."

He wagged his tail slightly, jumping off the sofa and stretching. Shakily, I walked to the door, counting my steps and counting every tick of the clock.

Seven steps. Eight ticks.

"You ready to go?" Alex asked once I opened the door.

I opened my mouth to say something but I couldn't, my throat constricted. I felt Loki touch my jean clad jeans and I picked at the hem of my oversized cream jumper.

Loki and Zeus will be there. I can lock myself in a room if it gets too much.

I'm okay.

"Let's go."

Alexander explained that he owned two living spaces, one which was the family home where the whole family met for celebrations and the second was his apartment in the city where he spent most of his time. His family house was a lot further out than I first thought. It wasn't a fifteen or twenty minute journey, instead an hours car ride. A car ride filled with awkward small talk and talking myself out of throwing myself out of the car to stop the rise and fall off anxiety that bubbled away in my chest. I couldn't help but exhale out of relief when we reached his house.

We had passed the suburbs with all the detached and lone houses, with all the playgrounds that were deserted now due to the time and day. The suburbs transformed in to fields and greenery, the houses and apartments blocks lessened in to cottages and villages and cows and sheep popped up grazing on the fields like clouds on the ground.

His house was rural; bushes, farms, fields and trees scattered on either side of the roads. The greenness was everywhere, invading the countryside.

Again, my first thought of his family house was very different to how I imagined it to be. Instead of a small quaint terrace house with limited space on a main road or a semi-detached house in the suburbs, or even a cottage near a field. His family house was a mansion.

It was grey stone, a brown wood foundation congregating on the outside. There were multiple stories, the house on different levels, some higher and some lower with a long grey road leading up to the house. A guarded gate, face recognition and an army of trees guarded the premises and it made me wonder what exactly his job was to afford all of this.

The inside of the mansion matched the outside, elegant and dark. It was open plan which made everything look bigger, sets of dark wooden stairs leading up each layer of the house. Dark wooden pillars held the house together and, like the outside and the stairs and the pillars, all the furniture and walls were stone grey and dark.

As I looked around, and followed Alex through the house, trailing my hands on the grey stoned walls, feeling every crevice and bump in the stones, my anxiety fluctuated. The open plan helped with my breathing, calmed down any form of claustrophobia that came with being in a new surrounding, but the darkness threatened me, attacking my dislike for dark colours and mocked me for my anxiety.

He walked in to a room and I followed, momentarily blinded by the amount of colour that attacked me.

Everywhere we passed was dark, every hallway, every piece of furniture grey or black or dark brown but this room was red, green, white, silver, blue. It was like the house had only allowed a small splash of colour and had detatained it to this room so the rest of the house could be alone in its solitude of darkness.

"Oaklee, this is my dad, Michael King." Alex gestured to the older man in the room. Dark grey hair sprouted on the top of his head in small twisted knots like Alex's. His skin was slightly darker than his sons but his eyes were the same shade. He was handsome for an older man. "This is my sister, Jada." Next he pointed to the only woman in the room, beside myself. Her skin was the exact same shade as Alex's, if not a fraction lighter. Her hair flowed an inch or two passed her shoulders in a slight wave. She was incredibly pretty. "Her husband, Aiden Lennox." Aiden's skin was darker than mine but lighter than everyone else's in the room. His hair was light brown, reminding me of hot chocolate. "And their kids. Sam and Lucy. They're twins." The twins were the complete combination of Aiden and Jada. Brown hair that wasn't black nor light, eyes that weren't dark brown nor honey-coloured and caramel skin. It was like someone had mixed Aiden's and Jada's features in a mixing bowl, resulting in the perfect creation of the two.

"This is Oaklee. My friend"

Were we friends?

"It's nice to meet you Oaklee." Jada stepped forward, wrapping me in a hug.

I froze briefly, staring wide eyed at Alex who looked like he was suppressing a laugh. When the shock passed, I patted her back until she let me go.

"Sorry. I'm a hugger." She laughed.

"It's okay. I'm not." I smiled.

She laughed while Aiden stepped forward, joining his wife. "It's very nice to meet you Oaklee. We were surprised to hear that Alex was bringing someone."

"I have no one to spend it with. I think he felt sorry for me." I explained with a smile. His smile faltered slightly but he regained the expression.

"Oaklee. You're very pretty." His dad, Michael stepped forward, grabbing my hand in a shake.

"So are you."

"Okay!" Alex interrupted while the others laughed. I looked at him in confusion. I was getting on with his family wasn't I? "Oaklee, you said in the car you brought stuff."

I nodded. "I didn't know what I should bring when being invited for dinner so I bought a variety of items." I smiled before leaning closer to Alex so only he could hear. "Morgan got it all so I'm sorry if they aren't acceptable."

He suppressed a smile again. "I'm sure they're perfect. You didn't have to. Dinner should be ready in a few hours. Do you want to lock yourself in with the dogs or join us?"

I couldn't help but smile at his question. At least he understood that I was uncomfortable around people. But now that I had met them all and I hadn't messed up yet, the anxiety had bubbled down a little. Instead of an entire swimming pool, it was a kiddy pool. "Can I join you?"

"Of course." He smiled.

As the day went on, Christmas dinner was digested and I listened to the adults talk while I mostly stayed with the twins and the dogs. I didn't feel the need to lock myself in a room with two dogs while at Alex's and I didn't feel like I was about to drown in my own anxiety.

I was okay and for once, it wasn't a lie when I said that to myself. I was okay.

They sipped on the wine Morgan had picked out for me and started on the biscuits and chocolates and snacks while I drink juice with the kids. As the afternoon turned in to evening and the background music increased, it was pretty obvious that Alex and I were the only level headed ones here.

"Why didn't you spend Christmas with your family?" Lucy asked me while I started plaiting her hair.

She had insisted I turn her hair in to Elsas and even after I had explained that I had no idea how to do hair, she wouldn't take no for an answer.

"I don't have a family." I murmured softly, concentrating on the three sections of her hair.

Do I twirl it or cross it?

I vaguely remembered my mum plaiting my hair, crossing the three strands under each other so I copied from my memory. I was slow, being very precise and gentle in my movements in case I messed up.

"Why don't you have a family? Are they dead like my nan?" Sam replied loudly from the chair a few feet from me.

"Sam!" Jada gasped at the six year old.

"It's okay." I smiled warmly. "My mum is but I'm not very close to my dad so I spend Christmas alone."

Lucy turned her head slightly and I stopped the braiding. "But why? Aren't you sad because you have no family?"

I wasn't lonely because I had no family, I wasn't depressed because I had no family and I didn't think about that very often. But sat on the floor in Alex's mansion, surrounded by Christmas decorations and his families love, I found a twinge of sadness. Not because I was truly sad about not having anyone or because I was by myself, but because of the glimpse of a future that could have happened.

If my parents never got involved in that accident, if my mum never died, if I wasn't forced in to solitude and have the life I did, then maybe I would have a family to spend Christmas and my birthday with. Maybe I wouldn't be alone, with my dog as my only companion and an agreement with my one and only friend to only see each once a month. Maybe I wouldn't have constant and chronic anxiety that plagued my mind and body every day like an unorthodox companion, and maybe I wouldn't suffer from panic attacks that made the whole world around me collapse and cave in on itself.

But then, as I thought about all the what ifs, my mind conjured up what I might not have if I had that life. Maybe I wouldn't have Loki or Zeus, maybe I wouldn't have met Alex and maybe Morgan wouldn't mean as much to me and maybe I wouldn't have become a writer.

My life could have been completely different if it wasn't for the accident that caused my mums death but I might not have discovered my passion and met my best friend if it didn't happen.

I missed my mum so much and I will always love her, a part of her will always be with me but I was content with how my life was now. Everything happens for a reason and in some mean but spiritual way, my mums death had to happen.

It moulded me. I had moved on from my past.

"I still have a family." I started braiding again. By now everyone was listening and my anxiety increased at all the stares and ears focused on me but I pushed it as far down as I could, taking a deep breath and focusing on Lucy's hair. I was safe here. "I have Loki and my friend Morgan."

"And us!" Sam and Lucy exclaimed together.

I smiled as I met Alex's eyes. He raised his wine glass that was only partly full. "And us."

And I had Alex.