I always thought about what happens to you after you die. After my mom passed I thought a lot about where she was, rather if she was a ghost lurking about or just a corpse in the dirt. I was never a religious person, just wasn't raised that way. The more comforting thought for me though was Heaven. Knowing that she was sitting up somewhere on a cloud kickin' it back with God comfortable as can be with her feet up, watching Belly and I grow up. Smiling at my sister's successes and shaking her head at my fuck-ups.

I can hear her voice so clearly now. As the years passed by since she passed it was getting harder and harder to remember as she was, but not now. Now I could see her so perfectly.

Swinging on that swing, back and forth. Back and forth.

A glass of her favorite wine in her hand, the breeze caressing her soft age-less face.

She looks at me and smiles.

"Mom?" I ask and she waves at me.

"My sweet boy. Come sit."

I blink twice and sit next to her on the swing her bare feet barely grazing the grass below and she wraps her arms around mine laying her head on my shoulder. Her warmth surrounded me and suddenly we were outside. The warm sun enveloping us, the smell of our back yard and salt in the breeze accompanied by the sound of the wind chimes that hang off our back porch.

We were home.

I lay my head on hers not understanding what was happening, but a sense of peace spread across my chest.

"What's happening?" I asked her hesitantly and she takes a deep breath letting it out slowly.

"You're not supposed to be here. It's not time yet."

"Am I.... dead?" She laughs.

"Not quite." She looks at me and squeezes my arm. "What are you running away from?"

I look down at my lap. "Don't you know? You're supposed to know everything."

She shakes her head laughing again. "Yes, that is true. But I'd like to hear it from you."

I look out to the swaying weeping willow. "Life is too hard. Being Belly's big brother. Being a friend. A man that.... Is worthy of getting the girl," I look at her, "A good son."

She smiles. "Oh sweet heart. I never said life was going to easy. It's a hard journey, but coming into this world you are provided with different tools to help you get through it. A mother that adores you," she's my strong hold.

And as she started listing them off, I knew.

"A sister that looks up to you." Belly...

"Friends that support you even when they can't stand you." Luke...

"A beautiful girl that will make you feel things so you don't go through life feeling numb." Ashley.

"As much as you feel like you're fighting this alone sweetie, you're not. You're never alone. You never were."

Tears sting my eyes and I grab my mother's hand holding it my throat tight. "I miss you so much, Mom."

"But I am always with you," She puts our joined hands over my heart, "right here."

I realized then I was a damn lucky man. Id lived my life bitter and angry towards the world for everything it's done to me, but never appreciated the things it's given me. I'm an asshole with a temper, a drunk, and complete man whore.

Yet even with all those things I'd managed to take care of my sister thus far, Luke's carried my sorry ass around and kicked me when I needed it, and met an innocent, clueless, smart ass, gorgeous sexy girl with a heart made of gold and she was willing to give it all to me.

And what had I done?

Chosen my reputation, my persona, over her. That day I saw tears in her eyes and her cheeks tinted red caused by my breaking heart for the umpteenth time. Something inside of me crushed when I saw that face, and the way she ran away from me with hurt, but I thought it was better that way. That I could never be what she needed or what she wanted. That somehow before her my life was better.

But without her, it was miserable.

And, "I love her."

My mother smiles.

"I'm in love with her."

"You're not done there yet. Go get her." She winks at me clapping her hands the sound ringing in my ears and I blink everything turning black.

_______________________________________________________

Beep... beep.... Beep...

My head was pounding and my mouth was dry.

"Ugh." This was like a bad hangover.

I hear a gasp and something fall and shatter. I open my eyes to see a shocked pale nurse run out yelling for the doctor.

Not a beat later a doctor with a team of nurses walk staring at me like a ghost.

The female doctor with a long copper ponytail and warm smile approaches me. "Welcome back Mr. White. I'm Dr. Leslie, but you can call me Ronny. I know how confusing things must seem, but we first have to run some tests and check up on you to make sure everything is okay. I'll answer your questions as we go, deal?"

I nod my head things still a little fuzzy and she starts taking my pulse and giving the surrounding nurses orders. "Do you know your full name?"

"Bain Daniel White."

"Do you remembered what happened?"

"I was.... Angry. Driving really, really angry, and I saw a truck. The pavement was wet, by the time I hit my brakes," A flash of the fast approaching truck and my bike turning on its side crushing my leg came into my head and I flinched, "... it was too late."

I look at my leg now and finally notice it in a full cast from just above my knee down.

The doctor asks the nurse to give us a minute and she pulls up a chair looking at me more like a concerned friend than a healthcare professional.

"I want you to understand something. I found high contents of alcohol in your system, when they found you, you were flipped with the bike completely crushing your left leg and broke two ribs. Along with that you had a concussion, multiple scars and bruises and brief internal bleeding. You are extremely lucky to be alive, Bain. Now, I have yet to speak to the police, but it's not above me to call them at any time unless you promise me you are going to stay away from the alcohol. Now I know I may not know you personally, but I know you enough to tell you that whatever you're facing, you shouldn't be hiding behind a bottle. Be a man, do what you have to do, but don't risk your life. Because something tells me there are people in your life that will be crushed when you're gone." She raises a brow at me.

"And where would that put you in life, huh?" She looks at me intensely and what she says next for some reason makes the hair on the back of my neck stand up.

"Don't you want to win?"

She gets up and leaves making her point and I finally look at myself in the mirror hanging on the wall next to me. I look battered, bruised, and beaten.

I shake my head and sigh. How could I have let things get this far? A couple of months I had everything. I was happy.

Now, for being a complete Idiot, I've lost it all.

The strange dream I had with my mother, it all came back to me. Everything she said, everything she did, her smile her warmth, everything was real.

I was an ungrateful bastard. I let the world make me mean and hateful. I let my father ruin my life, my relationships, and my mother.

So many things could have changed if I would have seen the truth a long, long, long time ago.

Now, I have to fix things. How will do that as a one legged idiot? No fucking clue.

But I sure as hell am going to try.

"Bain?"

I look up to see a red faced tear stained Belly and she comes running to me hugging my neck sobbing into my shoulder.

I hug my shaking little sister and see a relieved looking Luke standing by the door way. "You scared the hell out of me you little prick."

I chuckled and groaned as the action made my ribs hurt. Belly looked at me with worry and sniffed. "I'm sorry I-I didn't mean to hurt you."

"It's alright, Belly. I'm sorry for worrying you... and for not being the best big brother. I know since mom died I've been.. difficult. Angry. I want you to know that, I want to be better. For you, for mom. I'm going to change. Take better care of my little sister."

She smiles wiping the tears off her cheeks and sniffles. "Does this mean I can date Sam?"

Oh hell.

As much as I hated to think of the fact of my little sister having a boyfriend, I have to learn to let her live her life. She has to grow and I have to let her.

And maybe letting her date Sammy will soften Ashley up enough to give me a chance to tell her how I really feel.

"Yeah... You can have your little boyfriend. But if he hurts you, I will shoot him."

She smiles and hugs me tightly. "I don't know what happened to you, but I kind of like it."

I laugh.

"Belly, how about giving your brother and I a minute to talk?"

She nodded. "I'll go get him something to eat from the cafeteria." She kisses my cheek and walks out of the door.

Luke shakes his head pulling up a chair next to the hospital bad and sighs. "What happened out there? What the hell were you thinking?"

"She told you?" With the look of anger in his eyes I was guessing my doctor blabbed on me about my driving drunk as hell.

"Harry. After the accident he came up to me freaking out worried about you. He looked for you but couldn't find you so he came to the house. I was over there talking to the police on the phone and watching over Isabella. You should know better. You have to start thinking about more than yourself, Bain. You have a sister, friends, me. People that care about you, that you have to think about before you go out doing your stupid ass stunts. I know I've let you have a drink on your bad days, but you know my rule. No going out driving or even leave the house period, after having a drink."

I shake my head and sigh hating the fact that Luke was absolutely right. That I have to start thinking about others. Let go of my anger and my pride. Stop letting myself get blinded.

"I spoke to my mom Luke."

Luke looked at me confused. "What are you talking about?"

"I mean.. I spoke to my mom. I don't know if it was a vision, or a dream, or what but, I know I spoke to her. We talked. She told me things, same as you. I want to be better. I want to try."

He leans back in his chair and crosses his arms. "Does this have anything to do with Ashley?"

"It has everything to do with her. But for the most part I want to be better for myself. For my mom."

Luke nods his head. "I'm glad you finally realized it. I thought I'd have to tie you up in the basement."

We both laughed.

"It's good to have you back." Luke says and I know he meant it because I could read the relief on his face. He was worried I could tell, even though Luke wasn't blood, he was the closest to a loving guardian that Belly and I had.

He was more than enough.

"Thank you, Luke."

He raises a brow. "For what?"

"For being there for me, for us, when we needed you."

He stares at me for a minute. "How hard did you hit your head?"

We both laugh.

"You're welcome." He replies and I nod my head.

"Now, I need a favor."

"I knew somehow that was coming. What do you want?"

"I need you to help me get Ashley back."

Luke sighs rubbing his eyes. "Dude, are you really going to go through this again?"

"I'm fighting for her Luke. I'm tired of going in this pointless circle. My mom told me-,"

"She didn't tell you anything man, c'mon,"

"No- she did. I saw it, I felt it. She told me there was more for me in this life to experience, that's why I'm here. I could have died, Luke. You'd be planning my funeral right now if I didn't have some kind of purpose."

I groan sitting up in bed a pain shooting through both my leg and my ribs, but I didn't care I had things to do, places to go.

Beautiful girl to see and finally tell her the truth.

"I'm in love with her, Luke. And I'm going to tell her."

Luke shakes his head and sighs. "Nothing I say is going to change your mind is it?"

"Nope."

"It has to be right now?"

"Yes right now! The fuck is wrong with you!"

Another voice chimes in. "I'm not sure if that's possible."

Luke and I both look towards the door to see Ashley's friend Ryan, Trip, and her brother Sammy.

"Wow. You look like shit." Trip comments and any other day I might have punched him so hard he'd be admitted, but I'm trying to change so Instead I take a deep breath.

"Thanks. Why are you here?"

Ryan's face softens. "We heard about the accident at school. We decided to come see how you were doing, and Sammy also wanted to come support Isabella."

"I'm going to go see her in the cafeteria." He chimes up and nods at me walking out.

"Tell me why I can't see Ashley."

"And by that Bain means, thank you for your concern." Luke chimes in and stares at me hard.

Damn this whole change thing was going to be a pain in the ass.

"She's on a date tonight." Trip replies almost smug and I almost wish I was cuffed to the bed so I could fight the urge to beat the shit out of him cast and all.

"With who?" My stomach tightens and a pain in my chest comes to surface just thinking of her being on a date.

"With Ben." Especially with that asshole!

"And you let that happen? Aren't you supposed to be her best friend?"

"I'm not her mother, Bain. I can't do that, and with the way you've been treating her for the past couple of months, anyone would be a step up from the likes of you."

If she wasn't right I would have lost my shit, but right now I have to keep my thoughts on her. It doesn't matter who she's on a date with. I have to see her. I have to tell her the truth and get on my knees if I have to, or whats left of them, and beg her for forgiveness. Because If I have to spend another second without her, this life wouldn't have been worth coming back for.

She's my purpose.

The my unfinished business, the thing that makes me live life to the fullest and makes me the best man I can be.

With that I attempt to get out of bed ripping off my cords and trying to stand on my one leg when pain shoots through my ribs like a bitch.

"What the hell are you doing?!" Luke asks me and I groan out of frustration.

"I don't care if she's on a date with that prick! I know I hurt her, I know I'm a dick and she will always deserve better, but I need her. I need to tell her how I feel, I love her. I do and even if she's going to reject me I want her to do it to my face."

Ryan shakes her head. "You're a crazy persistent bastard, you know that?"

"I've been called worse."

"How are we going to get you out of here?"

"A wheel chair. I just need some clothes that's it, I'll handle the rest."

Luke stares at me hesitantly, I could tell he didn't want to do this, he thinks I'm wasting my time. Or more like, I'm wasting her time.

But not now. Not this time.

"Luke either you bring me clothes or I will get them myself. You guys could either help me or I can do this on my own, but regardless I'm doing this."

Silence filled the room when suddenly Trip claps his hands nodding his head. "Alright. What's the plan?"

Maybe he's not so bad.

"I'm crashing that date, and I'm going to win her back."